How to arm yourself for parenting in public

Image: www.positiveparentingsolutions.com

It’s murphy’s law that as soon as you come across another mother of four amazing, well-behaved children in the isles of Woolies, floating along on an aura of complete calm and composure... your (*ahem*... quiet and reserved) toddler will have a complete temper tantrum over the fact that you will not let them have the entire sweet shelf to themselves… What do you do? How do you cope with such a moment, especially in the face of everyone in the shop who have obviously noticed your debacle, and yet pretend not to as they rubberneck like they're passing an accident on the N1 in peak hour…

Lizette offers four ways in which to prepare for, and react to such a situation, as well as an awesome tip for parents of slightly older toddlers and young children.

1. Prepare your children
The first key is prepare your child in advance and to explain exactly what you expect from them.
    Using our Woolies example, you could say “We are going to Woolies and mommy wants you to sit quietly in the trolley and help me find all the groceries. Mommy doesn’t want you to be naughty, because if you are, then mommy will have to give you time-out when we get home. But if you’re good for mommy, you can choose one sweet when we get to the till.”
   This prepares your child for what is going to happen and how you expect them to behave.

2. Always put your child’s needs first
Although it may be tempting to try and hush over a moment where your child oversteps the boundaries that you laid out in point one, you need to keep your child’s need for your guidance and discipline at the top of your priority list.
   You will need to act swiftly and with conviction, despite what you think other’s may be thinking of you, your child or the (rather embarrassing) situation.

3. Never embarrass your child socially
While, in the heat of the moment, some parents may be tempted to scream, shout and perform, just so that all the other people (read: spectators) can see that they mean business and that they’re not the kind of parents whose kids walk all over them, do not do this.
    It is very important that you do not embarrass your child in a social setting. Take them aside and talk sternly to them about the situation, in a way that does not draw attention to them and in a way that they understand that you respect their feelings.

4. Be consistent
As with any form of behaviour direction, consistency is key. If you say you’re going to go straight home after Woolies, don’t be surprised when your children have a meltdown when you quickly decide to make a last-minute stop at Clicks too. Stick to your story. The same applies for discipline. If you say that you will discipline your child for screaming or throwing a tantrum in the store, then do this in a discreet and respectful way.

Great Tip (from age 2.5 to 8 years)
A wonderful idea for taking your empty threats and turning them into concrete results, especially when you’re out and about with your children, is to carry a black marker in your bag. When your child misbehaves or oversteps their boundaries, and you pull them aside for a respectful word, you simply mark their hand with a circle. You explain to them, and they will soon learn, that this mark means that when you get home they will be disciplined as agreed – e.g. time-out, loss of a privilege, or whatever works in your household.
    This little black mark is a tangible reminder to your child that they have misbehaved and will have to face the consequence for their actions, but does not embarrass them or cause undue stress while you’re in a public place.

We hope that these pointers and the tip will go a long way towards making outings more fun for your family!

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

3 Tips on how to Calm an Angry Child

picture: http://www.myguitarsolo.com/

In a previous post called “The Two Kinds of Tantrums” we described how certain tantrums require that parents move towards their children to help them to deal with their overwhelming emotions, while a second kind of tantrum requires that parents move away from their child.

With this in mind we’ve sourced a few practical tips from http://www.allsands.com/ for you; something to keep up your sleeve for when your child genuinely needs emotional support and you feel as if you need a “magic wand” to make things better!

3 quick comfort measures for a child of any age

There are times when all children become angry or upset. It can be caused by something as simple as having been out at the mall too long, or even something more obvious like a sibling taking the other child’s favourite toy. There are quick and simple ways you can calm your child, but be aware that each child is different and may prefer different methods to settle down.

1. Small children are often comforted by being held tightly. Rock and sing to them. Express your love for them in terms that increase in size. For example, “My love for you is as big as a bug.” Then progress to, “My love for you is as big as a gorilla.” Encourage your child to help you think up bigger and bigger things until they are no longer focused on the anger.

2. Whisper in your child’s ear. Whisper that you love them, or whisper something silly. If they’ve been screaming this will stop them as they strain to listen to you. If you can think up something really great to say, often the upset turns to laughter or at least a less frantic mood.

3. Hold your child and tell them they have a smile inside, and if they don’t let it out it will turn into a giggle. Often it will. If your child is reticent to smile, tickle them gently, or say “no laughing” and usually this will turn things around until the anger is replaced with laughter and smiles.

These methods are not meant to encourage any parent to ignore their child’s anger. Once you have your child calmed down, you can then ask what the trouble is. The point of calming them is not only for emotional reasons, but they will not be able to communicate very well if they are screaming, crying or too upset to speak. Talk softly and gently to your child so that talking about what just angered and upset them doesn’t bring it all back, causing another fit of anger or tears.

The Practically Speaking Team
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za.

The Two Kinds of Tantrums

Photography: Loren Stow

What is a temper tantrum?

Some temper tantrums are violent storms of emotion which occur because your child's thinking-brain is not yet sufficiently developed (if you missed the post on amygdala hijacking, go here), while other tantrums are efforts by your child to manipulate a situation.  As parents we all feel helpless, frustrated and overwhelmed when our child throws a tantrum, but sometimes, the surge of emotions that your child goes through are also scary for him to experience.

Firstly, it is good to understand that temper tantrums are actually important experiences that aid in brain development - they are great opportunities to teach your child to develop the neural pathways in their brain that will enable them to manage stress when they're older.

Two different kinds of tantrums

As the post heading suggests, there are two different kinds of tantrums, each requiring their own specific reaction from you as a parent. Simply put, in the case of a Distress Tantrum you need to move towards your child and in the case of a Little-Nero Tantrum, you need to move away from your child.

When to respond softly and with understanding

The first type of tantrum - a distress tantrum - happens when your child's lower (emotional) brain is affected (as in the case of an amygdala hijacking). In this instance, your child has experienced a loss, frustration or disappointment so incredible to them that they cannot stop the emotions that erupt from them.

When your child has a distress tantrum, there are excessively high levels of stress chemicals racing through your child's body and brain. Your child is in genuine distress and as a parent you need to model for your child how to cope with these intense and scary feelings.

When your child has a distress tantrum, their ability to talk or listen is severely limited - their emotions literally take over. It is important to understand this because talking to (and trying to reason with) your child at this time is futile. You need to move towards your child, hold them, and soothe them. Your goal should be to meet their feelings of loss, frustration or disappointment with sympathy and understanding.

By doing this, you are developing your child's ability to regulate stress in his higher thinking-brain. If you hold your child, you are telling her that you are there for her. Speak softly, using simple words, and your child will begin to feel safe again as she realises that you can help her to understand and deal with these huge feelings she has.

Why a fixed approach is not advisable

If you adopt a single fixed approach to tantrums (walking away or time-out for example), you may loose an important opportunity to teach your child how to handle stress appropriately. In addition, imagine how reassuring it is for your child to know that mommy or daddy can understand these intense storms of emotion that rip through his body and brain. Alternatively, imagine how disturbing it is, when your child is having a genuine distress tantrum, for you to walk away from him... you would never walk away from a friend in true distress, so why would you walk away from your child?

The best way to handle a distress tantrum is to use simple and calm actions, try to distract your child with something interesting (this often helps to reactivate the thinking-brain), hold your child with tenderness, avoid using the time-out technique or sending your child to their room alone, and keep reminding yourself that your child's distress is very real for them.

When a tantrum is unacceptable

On the flip-side of the coin, a Little-Nero Tantrum is the complete opposite. Where a distress tantrum activates your child's emotional center and shuts down the thinking-brain, a little-nero tantrum occurs in your child's thinking-brain. This tantrum is about manipulation - which takes lots of thought.

A Little-Nero Tantrum is about getting what they want through bullying or manipulation - the point of this tantrum is to get a desired response. But how can you tell the two tantrums apart? A Little-Nero Tantrum often has a lack of tears and your child will be able to articulate exactly what they want(remember that with a distress tantrum, your child isn't even able to speak coherently).

Little-Nero Tantrums that are not handled correctly may teach a child to become a bully - a child that believes that they can get their own way all the time. The way in which you handle this tantrum is very different - firstly, if you are certain your child is not having a distress tantrum, walk away. When no one is watching, there is very little point of having a manipulative tantrum! Don't try to reason, argue with or persuade your child, and don't try to negotiate. Be firm and also remind them of the more socially acceptable ways to get the result they want. Use your own method of discipline in this case. But whichever way you choose - be consistent and stand your ground.

When the tantrums spill over into each other

It is sometimes difficult to distinguish between the two types of tantrums and sometimes one tips over into another - a little-nero tantrum can become a distress tantrum. For example, when your child is verbally demanding a sweet and your 'no' is so disappointing that they have a powerful surge of emotions that tips them over into a distress tantrum. 

If you sense genuine pain in your child's tantrum and know that it isn't an act, you need to help her with her feelings. As a parent, your child needs to know that you will not give into demands, but that you are there for them when they are in genuine pain.  All children are programmed to react with intense emotions if they do not get their anticipated reward, especially because their thinking-brain is not yet properly wired.

Common triggers for tantrums

It is also a good idea to recognise 'triggers' for tantrums in your environment. In addition to tiredness and hunger, boredom and under-stimulation is an important trigger for tantrums - have you noticed how your child has fewer tantrums when they're engaged in something interesting? Frustration and disappointment are also two key triggers for tantrums, and coping with these feelings is one of the things that parents need to teach their children.

Dealing with tantrums are not easy - but if you can learn to differentiate between the two different kinds of tantrums and respond to each kind by 'moving towards' or 'moving away' from your child when appropriate - you will start to see results.

The important point to remember once again is that as a parent you should not give into demands, but you should offer yourself in times of great pain and anguish.

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

*Practica Parents: It's much easier to comfort rather than to discipline a child, because there are so many different methods of discipline. At the Practica Advisory Service, we advise parents to choose their method of discipline with two important considerations in mind: the method that you use should be one that you will be able to use consistently under pressure, and it should also be one that helps you to stay calm and in control of your emotions during the process.

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za 

Amygdala Hijacking



Image from EQtoday.com


"Amyg... what?" I hear myself say as Lizette suggests this post... But this has turned out to be one of the most interesting topics I've written about so far.

Imagine you're in the traffic... you've had a particularly bad day so far, and nothing is quite going your way. Just as you're about to get your turn to go through the intersection, after waiting at the traffic light for what seems to be hours, someone cuts you off and takes your spot. 
You. could. kill.
The rush of emotions - pure rage - seem to take over your entire body, threatening to implode if you don't do something. You shout. You hoot. You hit your steering wheel.  And long after that driver has disappeared, you are still angry, feeling emotional and on high alert for any other person who thinks they can cut you off...

Sound familiar? Hmmm... do I hear a 'yes'?

Well, simply put folks, that's an Amygdala Hijacking - and countless adults (and toddlers) have experienced this.

To understand how an Amygdala Hijacking works, we must first explain how your brain works.

An adult brain (which is very different from a child's brain) works by receiving information through the senses. This information goes via the brain's switchboard (the thalamus) to the emotional center of the brain (the amygdala) and the thinking part of the brain (the neo-cortex) simultaneously. Both parts of your brain process the information and then decide on a reaction - but for the most part (and on good days...) it is usually your 'thinking-brain' that calls the shots.

For example, you visit the zoo and spot a lion. The emotional center of your brain sees the lion and sets off an alarm, but your thinking-brain reminds you that you're at a zoo and that the lion can't get to you, so you're safe. Your thinking-brain has the metaphoric 'pin code' to deactivate the alarm that your emotional brain sets off, commonly known as the 'fight or flight' response.

Remember that the emotional center of your brain is really just a reactive piece of engineering - one that is not logical. Rather it is very important and useful in times of severe stress and pressure, as well as a host of other functions - but logic? No...

Sometimes though... your emotions hijack your brain, whether it be because your day has been terrible, you are not feeling well, or something triggers off an emotion that you didn't remember even existed... for whatever reason, your thinking-brain does not have enough time offer a 'pin code' and your emotional brain just takes over. This... is an amygdala hijacking.

Other examples of amygdala hijackings are when we tell off our boss, when we write that foul email and hit 'send', when we scream at the cashier, and basically - when we are so emotional that we behave terribly, and regret it later, once we are able to 'think clearly' again. In other words, we come to regret our actions once our thinking-brain has taken over again.

When the emotional center of your brain - your amygdala - is hijacked, you are literally not able to think straight. Your thinking-brain is side-stepped and you're running on pure emotions with not a logical thought in sight...

Studies have found that you're in this state of amygdala hijacking for a total of 18 minutes. For this time you are highly illogical, emotional, and basically in 'fight mode'. You are not able to think reasonably for these 18 minutes.  When this passes, you still have the 'fight or flight' hormones racing through your body for another 3-4 hours, during which time you'll still be rather defensive, sensitive and prone to emotional reactions.

So why are we talking about amygdala hijacking today? Well, we wanted to introduce the concept to you as a parent so that you would be able to understand your child's amygdala hijacking (commonly referred to as a tantrum) much better...

As adults, we have the luxury of our thinking-brain's assistance for the most part, but what about our little ones, whose neo-cortex's are still in development? They experience everything exclusively through the emotional center of their brains until the age of three, when the neo-cortex has been wired to the point that it can start to lend a helping hand.

This means that everything a child sees, hears, touches, smells, tastes, or learns is emotionally-laden - figuratively dripping with emotion... This is why babies learn much better when emotions (like love) are involved, but it is also why they are prone to emotional outbursts. They have no 'pin-code' - they just have raw emotion (at least until the age of three).

Now, can you better understand why your child can be so emotional, self-centered, reactive and sensitive? It is because their amygdala is running the show... Their thinking-brain is still being wired and isn't of much use - which is why it is important for parents to help wire the logical part of their children's brain and patiently teach their children the self control they so desperately need.

We can create the ideal environment to foster self-control skills by modeling self-restraint, by ensuring that our children's day-to-day environment is not over-bearing, and by creating routines that give them feelings of security and predictability.

But, as we've seen, not only children have amygdala hijackings... As parents, we have bad days. As parents we also have to deal with highly emotional little ones, having their share of amygdala hijackings throughout the day, every day... It can be tough to cope sometimes.

The good news?

Firstly - as a parent you now have a better understanding of your child's world and can relate to them when they are having a tantrum. This understanding fosters much needed patience.

Secondly - studies in adults reveal that simply an awareness that you are having an amygdala hijacking is enough to give you the ability to deal with it appropriately. Just acknowledging it, gives your thinking-brain the heads-up and enables it to use the 'pin code' to deactivate that emotional outburst. You know you have 18 minutes to calm down (before you hoot, swear or send that email...) and a further 3-4 hours of being a little more sensitive. So you can remove yourself from the situation, and take a few deep breaths.  Remember to be gentle with yourself and your loved ones in this time and avoid indulging in behaviour that you'll probably regret later.

Now isn't that great news?

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

*Practica Parents: The very nature of the Practica Program is to create the structure, order and predictability that your child craves and needs for optimal development. The Program offers a wide variety of activities that may seem overwhelming to time-strapped parents who try to do everything - but this variety is only there to offer choice and it's not intended to be a fixed curriculum. Remember, however, that no one is more central in your child's life than you are and that no one can take your place. So relax and focus on using the Practica Program in your unique situation to make the most of the time that you DO spend with your child.

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za