Asking and answering questions made simple

Image: www.lorenstow.co.za

Most parents can agree that it is incredibly frustrating when your baby or toddler wants something but can’t communicate what it is… You don’t know what to get them or do for them, and they get increasingly frantic… Another example is when you know that your child knows something, but when you ask them a question about it, all you get is a blank stare, like when you ask your child to show you the blue crayon and all of a sudden they can’t.

    With this in mind, we thought it would be fitting to do a post on how to teach your child to ask and answer questions. It is not as difficult as it sounds and is based firmly on encouraging your child to take part in his day-to-day activities while giving him a running commentary of what’s happening and why.

    Other than the obvious benefit of being able to understand what your child wants, teaching him how to ask to questions will also boost his confidence, help him to learn more about what’s going on around him in his world, and eventually increase his social skills.

Learning to ask

The process of teaching your child how to ask questions is, as with everything else, an on-going ‘dance’ that will continue well into adolescence, but you can get started from about the age of 21 months.

Question skills generally follow a typical order as follows:


2 yrs             Q: Yes/No     Eg: May I go?
2yrs              Q: What       Eg: What is this?
2 ½ yrs         Q: Where      Eg: Where is my shoe?
2 ½ - 3 yrs    Q: Who         Eg: Who is that?
4 – 5 yrs       Q: Why         Eg: Why is he crying?
4 – 5 yrs       Q: How         Eg: How did you make that?
5 – 6 yrs       Q: When       Eg: When is she coming?

“What” and “Where” questions develop first because at that stage a child is typically more interested in the names and locations of various things in their world. The “Why” and “How” questions develop from age four because this is when children start to think in more abstract terms. And the “When” questions develop after a child has learned a concept of time.

Why do some children struggle to ask questions?

There could be three reasons, and if your child is struggling at all it may be a good idea to see which area could use some attention. In order to ask a question your child needs to:

1. Know how to put words together to form questions
2. Have the thinking skills to think of something to ask
3. Trust that the other person is going to react positively

Encourage your child to ask questions

• You can start by modelling the behaviour and showing your child how people think about certain things, and then answer your own questions, for example “What is this? A feather!” or “What are we going to do next? Close the door!”

• Give your full attention when your child is asking a question, get down to their eye level and be patient, allowing enough time for the question to be asked.

• Answer your child’s questions – when you do this your child knows that they have been successful and their self-confidence is boosted.

• If you don’t understand the question, ask your child to repeat it or to try and show you. If your child hasn’t asked correctly or hasn’t used words, repeat their question in a simple, correct way and then answer it. For example, if your child points at their juice on the table you can say, “You want your juice? Here, mommy will get your juice for you.”

Learning to answer

The ability to answer questions develops at roughly the same rate as the ability to ask questions, and it’s a good idea to meet your child where they are at. So, if your child is asking “Why” questions, then you can assume that he can answer “Why” questions as well.

    The best time to ask questions is when you and your child are engrossed in an activity together. Wait and watch your child and see what his attention is on, and then ask a question about that. Make sure you have your child’s full attention before asking the question and allow your child some time to answer the question, creating a calm and accepting atmosphere.

    As a parent, it’s important to ask your child questions, but don’t overdo it and become like 00-Mom/Dad… It is all too easy to dominate the conversation. Try using questions to discover what your child is thinking and what he knows so that you know how to relate to him, rather than turning the conversation into a test or a lesson.

    And don’t forget, questions like “You know what?” are your child’s way of getting your attention so that they can share something with you – so respond with interest and love, and most of all have fun!

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better


Comments? Suggestions? Or simply want to be added to the emailed updates? Contact lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Six weeks to a happier home

Image: http://www.cartonera.co.cc/

Let's face it, as parents we spend most of our time directing our children's behaviour and sometimes it can feel as though all we ever say is 'no', 'don't' and 'stop'. While it is important to guide our children, there is a way to do it that is more positive for both you and your child.

Here's a six-week plan to a happier home - we hope it helps to make a difference!

Week 1: Don’t be surprised when your child acts like a child
Even the sweetest child will repeat just about every bad behaviour at least a few times before he eventually learns from the negative responses that he gets, telling him that certain behaviours are to be avoided.

    You’ll do your child an enormous favour if you accept that it is natural for a young child to experiment with various behaviours, both good and bad.

    Practise for a week to stay calm when your child does something ‘bad’ and do not give in to your emotions. In fact, try to establish why you feel emotional in the first place. Is it not normal for a 3-year old to act like a typical 3-year old?

    Instead of getting upset, or ignoring your child’s bad behaviour to the point where you explode in a fit of rage, rather act quickly and decisively when he does something that is unacceptable. Discipline him as if his offence, as well as your reaction to it, is perfectly normal and within your ability to handle.

    Then go on with life with the firm belief that he is a sweet and good little person who just needs a little nudge in the right direction every now and then.

    Refuse to label your child as ‘bad’ and don’t see anything he does as a personal insult. He will soon discover, and learn to believe, that he is a good person as he learns to see himself through your eyes.

Week 2: Ask for consideration instead of judging
Practise for a week to tell your child how you feel and what you need, instead of telling him he's wrong.

    Say: “I don’t like it when the house is a mess. I need you to help me pick up the toys.” Instead of: “I can’t believe the mess you’ve made! You’re such a slob!”

    Say: “This is my favourite CD and it makes me happy to listen to it. I need you to go and play outside if you’re going to continue being noisy.” Instead of: “Get out or shut up!”

Week 3: Put his feelings into words
Practise for a week to put your child’s feelings into words.

    Say: “You are sad because your toy broke.” / “You are angry because I won’t let you go outside to play.” / “You’re excited about going to the beach and it’s difficult for you to wait.”

    When needed, explain what you expect.

    “You are sad because your toy broke, but sometimes toys do break.”

    “You are angry because I won’t let you go outside to play, but it is time to go to bed now.”

    “You’re excited about going to the beach and it’s difficult for you wait, but you need to help me to get everything ready before we can go.”

    Hearing you put his feelings into words over and over again in various situations lets your child know that you understand him. As a result, he will feel less frustrated when you set boundaries and he will find it easier to deal with his emotions.

Week 4: Talk about what to do, instead of what not to do
Practise for a week to put requests in a positive way, so that your child knows exactly how to stay within the boundaries.

    Say: “You need to walk while we’re in the shop.”
    Instead of: “Don’t run in the shop!”

    Say: “Look with your eyes, not with your hands.”
    Instead of: “Don’t touch!”

    Say: “Pet the cat like this.”
    Instead of: “Don’t hurt the cat!”

Week 5: Express confidence in your child
Practise for a week to build your child’s feelings of self-worth by telling him that you believe in his ability.

    Say: “I know you can do this.”

    Say: “I’m so proud of you for doing what I tell you to.”

Week 6: Avoid trying to use guilt as a tool
No happy and successful man has ever stood in front of an audience with the words: “I want to thank my mother for making me feel guilty most of the time. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without those feelings.”

    Many parents doubt their own ability to set boundaries and to discipline their children appropriately. So they resort to using guilt as a tool. They don’t allow themselves to relax or to be happy when they are around their children, because they are afraid of being caught off guard. Instead, they act like frustrated martyrs, in an attempt to evoke sympathy from their children and blackmail them into being ‘good’.

    It takes courage to be happy and enjoy life. Practise for a week to relax and enjoy your children while they’re within the boundaries. When they overstep the boundaries, deal with it as quickly as possible - without laying a guilt trip on them. Then resume where you left off. Soon, being happy will become your default state of mind!

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better

Comment or want to be added to the email update list? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

3 Tips on how to Calm an Angry Child

picture: http://www.myguitarsolo.com/

In a previous post called “The Two Kinds of Tantrums” we described how certain tantrums require that parents move towards their children to help them to deal with their overwhelming emotions, while a second kind of tantrum requires that parents move away from their child.

With this in mind we’ve sourced a few practical tips from http://www.allsands.com/ for you; something to keep up your sleeve for when your child genuinely needs emotional support and you feel as if you need a “magic wand” to make things better!

3 quick comfort measures for a child of any age

There are times when all children become angry or upset. It can be caused by something as simple as having been out at the mall too long, or even something more obvious like a sibling taking the other child’s favourite toy. There are quick and simple ways you can calm your child, but be aware that each child is different and may prefer different methods to settle down.

1. Small children are often comforted by being held tightly. Rock and sing to them. Express your love for them in terms that increase in size. For example, “My love for you is as big as a bug.” Then progress to, “My love for you is as big as a gorilla.” Encourage your child to help you think up bigger and bigger things until they are no longer focused on the anger.

2. Whisper in your child’s ear. Whisper that you love them, or whisper something silly. If they’ve been screaming this will stop them as they strain to listen to you. If you can think up something really great to say, often the upset turns to laughter or at least a less frantic mood.

3. Hold your child and tell them they have a smile inside, and if they don’t let it out it will turn into a giggle. Often it will. If your child is reticent to smile, tickle them gently, or say “no laughing” and usually this will turn things around until the anger is replaced with laughter and smiles.

These methods are not meant to encourage any parent to ignore their child’s anger. Once you have your child calmed down, you can then ask what the trouble is. The point of calming them is not only for emotional reasons, but they will not be able to communicate very well if they are screaming, crying or too upset to speak. Talk softly and gently to your child so that talking about what just angered and upset them doesn’t bring it all back, causing another fit of anger or tears.

The Practically Speaking Team
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za.

How to keep sane when the going gets tough

Picture: http://www.thiscrazythingcalledmotherhood.blogspot.com/

Being a parent is certainly a challenging undertaking, especially since most children can push the boundaries and be emotionally-charged at times. Nowadays, it seems as if the concept of ‘good’ parenting is forever changing, depending on which expert is doing the talking. This is because the very context in which parenting takes place (our cultures, society and the global community), is in a state of constant flux...

While it certainly is a blessing to live in an age where information is so readily available, there is a flip-side to this golden coin. The result can be a parent that is overwhelmed, tired, unsure and lacking confidence. Unfiltered and contradicting information can paralyse instead of galvanise.

However, one thing has not changed... That little person standing in front of you who is throwing a wobbly because he is not getting whatever it is he so desperately wants. Young children the world over are more alike than different, and they all share the same uncanny ability to push the limits with relentless stamina at times – as if they are programmed to ‘go, go, go!’.

Another unchanging fact is that all children experience frustration from time to time. It may be caused by all sorts of things – not getting their way, not being able to get their body to do what they want, not being able to reach the chandelier from which they so badly want to hang... This is one their jobs as children – to experiment with what is and what isn’t possible.

However, many parents today feel that they need to ‘protect’ their children from becoming frustrated, as if frustration in itself is a bad thing. They overlook the fact that frustration teaches children valuable lessons: how to be patient and to persevere. Being able to delay gratification is not inborn, it is a learned ability (and one that many adults can’t do too well either) – and it is an important factor in developing Emotional Intelligence (EQ).

Nowadays many well intended parents try to give in to their children’s every whim in an effort to protect them from feeling frustrated. In the process, these parents (mostly mothers) become tired, overwhelmed, and quite frankly grumpy...

Sadly, when parents are noticeably emotionally battered, their children run a very high risk of experiencing intense feelings of guilt. And a child who is riddled with guilt and shame is far worse off than a child who is given the opportunity to learn to deal with the natural frustrations of everyday life!

Every parent will undoubtedly feel unsure, tired and overwhelmed at times. The road which parents walk is long and winding… But the good news is, whatever your parenting style or philosophy, there are six tried and tested steps and thoughts that you can keep in mind to help ground yourself emotionally - to keep you just a tad further away from slipping into a ‘bad place’ when you’re facing daily challenges with your little one:

Make Friends with Frustration


1. Stop seeing your child’s frustration as ‘bad’... Remember patience, perseverance and the ability to delay gratification are not an inborn qualities, but learned skills (and “obedience” is not a four-letter word!).


2. Don’t feel guilty for being the ‘bad cop’ parent... If you’re worried that you’re the one who is always dishing out the discipline, don’t let the lure of being the ‘good cop’ push you off course. Children desperately need boundaries. Over the long haul they naturally gravitate towards adults who discipline and guide them in a nurturing, but firm way. It’s simply a part of their innate need to have structure in their lives.


3. Fight the urge to ‘give in’ so that your toddler leaves you in peace... There comes a point when parents are just too tired. So in an effort to maintain their sanity, they undermine months of hard work by giving in to their child just to get some peace and quiet. Sound familiar?

Make Friends with Yourself


4. Align your expectations with reality... Children are children after all. The sooner we all start talking about reality, the better. And toddlers specifically are little tornado's of energy with very little life experience... 


Accept this. Understand that things will not run smoothly (most of the time). Accepting that your toddler is just ‘being a toddler’. Because a child is prone to make mistakes does not mean that you condone undesirable behaviour. But, acceptance makes it possible to guide and discipline a child with love instead of with anger.


5. Set firm boundaries... Exactly what these boundaries are is up to you. Some of the rules in your home may seem trivial to others – but if they keep you sane and grounded, go ahead and do what you need to do in order to keep yourself and your emotions on an even keel. A tired, frustrated, ‘empty’ parent is no good for a growing child.


6. Nurture yourself as a caregiver and parent... In order to give abundantly of yourself to your children, you must have a resource from which to draw. You cannot draw from an empty tank. If this means taking 30 minutes a day to help you re-charge, or a whole afternoon once a week, then so be it.

The bottom line is that frustration is a natural and normal part of life – not only for adults, but for children too. The key is to adjust expectations without condoning undesirable behaviour. Then you will be able to make choices and interact with your child from a place of confidence. Put boundaries into place in order to protect yourself from burn-out and your child from guilt. To parent in a way that makes you unhappy will also make your child unhappy – without a doubt.

When you learn to balance the self-sacrifice that naturally goes along with being a loving parent, with making parenting choices that make you happy, you are well on your way to becoming a more emotionally grounded parent. And this will give your child a better shot at being happy too. Let’s put first things first.

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za