Healthy Praise - 3 Practical Tips



Image: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/


In our last post, we discussed how not all praise is equal. In fact, if praise were like food, some praise is like the finest organic fruit and vegetables, while other praise is like junk food which is plain unhealthy and even harmful (if you missed the post, go here).

However, there is so much research out there on the effects of praise, that we took the opportunity to sift through much of it for you and bring you the three most important things to remember when praising your children.

We believe that knowledge is all fine and well, but we need to find a way to apply it to our lives in a practical way, otherwise it can just become another 'burden' that weighs us, as parents, down.

We really hope these tips, which are based on real studies, will help you to see how to use praise in the way that we know it is intended - as a tool to nurture and grow our children's abilities and talents.

Praising Tip #1

DO praise your children for things that are within their power to change.

Praise your child for good manners, working hard, persevering at a task, for thinking of clever ways to solve a problem, for being a team player, for treating others with respect, following instructions, doing more than what was expected and other good choices that your child makes. By praising your child for things that are within his power to change, you are communicating to him that he has the power to make the right choices and that his efforts are recognised.

DO NOT praise your child by telling him how smart or talented he is.

It is not healthy to respond to your child's successes by saying, "Look how SMART you are!"

Children easily get the idea that adults observe them from a distance, rating how they fare at certain tasks, with the goal of stereotyping into little boxes marked with signs like 'genius', 'above-average', 'average' and 'stupid', and it scares them. What if they are confronted with something they can't do? Will adults see their failure as a sign that they are not as smart as they once thought? Will a mistake lead to a loss of love or respect?

These children don't want to risk loosing their little 'gifted' tags that have been hung around their necks and as a result they avoid challenges (Mueller and Dweck 1998).

Praising Tip #2

DO be sincere and specific

Wait for a real opportunity to praise your child. Then be specific and give information about what impressed you, for example "This picture is my favourite. I like how you took your time and used many different colours."

Keep in mind that, by giving information about what you appreciate, you are conveying a standard that is shaping how your child will act in future. So be careful to set reasonable standards and not unintentionally inhibit your child with your comments. If you would, for instance, always say that you like  a picture because he used blue and green, then he may never use orange and red again!

DO NOT praise in a way that is overenthusiastic or undeserved

Very young children will likely take a parent's praise at face value, but older children are a different story. As children mature, from about the age of 3-4, they become aware a parent's possible motives for praising them, and they respond negatively to insincere praise.

When you praise a child in a situation where they feel that they didn't really deserve the recognition, they may feel that you think they are in need of encouragement and that you are praising them because you feel sorry for them (Meyer 1992).

A child may also feel as though you are trying to be manipulative, or that you don't really understand them (Henderlong and Lepper 2002).

Praising Tip #3

DO focus on your child as an individual

Be truly interested and involved in a child's personal interests, growth and successes, regardless of what other children are like, do or achieve. Praise a child when he does something right or masters something, and not for outperforming other children.

DO NOT use praise that compares your child to others

Children who are praised for outperforming others initially respond well by trying hard to make their parents proud. However, they become so focused on winning that they don't learn to enjoy the activity itself, and when they no longer win, they loose interest.

Many of these children also react by avoiding challenges, because they have a real fear of not being the best. This kind of praise doesn't prepare them for coping with failure and it doesn't teach them making mistakes is an important and valuable part of learning (Elliot and Dweck 1988).

References:
Mueller CM and Dweck CS. 1998. Praise for intelligence can undermine children’s motivation and performance. Journal for Personality and Social Psychology 75(1): 33-52

Meyer W.-U. 1992. Paradoxical effects of praise and criticism on perceived ability. In: W. Strobe and M. Hewstone (eds): European review of social psychology, volume 3. Chichester, England: Wiley.

Henderlong J and Lepper MR. 2002. The effects of praise on children’s intrinsic motivation: A review and synthesis. Psychological Bulletin 128(5): 774-795.

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

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When Praise is Harmful



Image: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

 As a parent, I want to raise my children in a way that celebrates who they are and what they achieve. I want them to know that they have a special place in the world and that the world is truly a better place because they are in it.

I feel this way so strongly that sometimes when I think of how much I love my children, and how much I want them to understand that they are special - my heart actually constricts for a moment... fluttering in anticipation for their future.

I don't think I am alone on this one - I think that most parents feel this way about their children. One way in which we try to give our children this positive message is through praise. Contrary to three or four generations ago, when children 'were seen and not heard', in today's world, we praise our children as diligently as we feed and bath them - it is a 'staple food' in our daily emotional diet.

However, just like not all foods are healthy, not all kinds of praise are healthy either. Certain kinds of praise are like junk food, filled with empty calories, while other kinds of praise are like smorgasbords of finest organic fruits and vegetables, packed with healthy nutrients.

What is “junk food praise” and why is it unhealthy?

One example of junk food praise is when our praise labels our children. Remember that any label (positive or negative) can be damaging, because it shapes how a child views himself and the world. “But...” I hear you say... “isn't a 'positive label' good for self-concept?” No. Not always.

For example, if your child completes a puzzle and you say proudly, "oh you're so clever!" you are effectively labelling your child as clever. What happens then is interesting, because instead of having a positive effect, your child actually starts to become fearful of living up to this expectation of 'cleverness'.

They become afraid of trying something that they just might not succeed in, lest they be 'caught out' and no longer be considered as clever. Because, you see, after hearing it enough times they start to equate their 'cleverness' with your love - in other words, mommy and daddy love them because they're clever.

What is “organic praise” and why is it healthy?

Using the same example, a healthy response to a finished puzzle could be, "Well done for completing the puzzle! I have noticed that you started with the corners today. That worked well. Good plan" or “I saw you enjoyed that puzzle and worked hard at it. Way to go!”

By giving this kind of practical feedback, you are effectively telling your child that his efforts and choices are noticed and valuable. He is a capable human being who can achieve things when he applies himself. Working hard can be fun and, at times, having a good time is a good reason in itself to do things!

When you give practical feedback, your child needn't be afraid of living up to any passive 'label' bestowed on him by forces outside his sphere of influence. The focus is on what he does and chooses – two things that he can control. As a result, he will be more willing to try new and more difficult things. He is given the message that 'we enjoy watching you develop and make choices’ instead of ‘how lucky we are that you are so smart.’

This gives your child the security of knowing that your love and approval are not dependent on his success. Because let’s face it, all people and our children included, will face their fair share of failures.

After all, being successful has nothing to do with avoiding failure with a big old ‘clever-label’ around your neck. On the contrary, it’s about learning the lessons that you need to learn from your own fair share of ups and downs - so that you can get to a place where you are truly leading a life that you love.

A fascinating bit of research:

In her article entitled The Perils and Promises of Praise, American psychologist Dr Carol Dweck, who has studied student motivation for 35 years, explains that the way in which children view their own intelligence is closely linked to how they are praised (Dweck 1999, 2006).

In one of her studies, a group of 5th grade children were all given a task to complete, and then one group of them was praised for their intelligence only ("You must be smart at these problems"), while the second group was praised for their effort ("You must have worked hard at these problems").

The researchers then asked a question that each child had to agree or disagree with - "Your intelligence is something basic about you that you cannot really change.” Children praised for their intelligence agreed more with this statement than children who were praised for their efforts!

The children were also asked to define intelligence, and once again, the children praised for intelligence made more reference to it being a fixed and innate capacity, while children praised for their effort made references to effort and learning.

The children were then given the option of working on a task that was challenging or a task that guaranteed an error-free performance. Most of the children praised for intelligence opted for the easy task, while most children praised for effort opted for the challenging task.

Next, the children were given a challenging task to complete, on a whole the children who were praised for their intelligence lost their confidence as soon as it became difficult, because they equated success with 'cleverness' and if they were struggling, then it meant that they were not clever... The other group who were praised for their effort on the whole remained confident and eager.

Finally, when the children were asked to hand in their scores (anonymously), almost 40% of the intelligence-praised children lied, because their feelings of self-worth were so wrapped up in their performance that they couldn't admit to mistakes. Only 10% of the effort-praised children falsified their results. (I have to admit that I’m a bit taken aback by the fact that so many of them actually lied!)

"Praising children for their intelligence, then, hands them not motivation and resilience but a fixed mind-set with all its vulnerability. In contrast, effort or 'process' praise (praise for engagement, perseverance, strategies, improvement, and the like) fosters hardy motivation. It tells children what they've done to be successful and what they need to do to be successful again in the future," says Dr Dweck.

What to make of this?

We believe we are all praising our children from our hearts and with the best intentions. But, as always, parents who know better do better. That is why we have written about this, because many parents would never guess that something as well-intentioned as telling their child that he is clever can have such a far reaching impact.

In our next post, we will give you 3 practical tips on how to avoid the wrong the kinds of praise by replacing them with the right kinds of praise. Until then, let’s just play it safe and follow the advice of Kenneth Blanchard, author of the The One Minute Manager: catch them doing things right. When your children do things that legitimately warrant praise from you, give practical feedback on what they have done right and the good choices that they have made.

And don’t forget to tell them that you’re so thankful that they were born. I can’t imagine that that could ever back-fire?

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better
Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za


*Practica Parents: All the activities in the Practica Program obviously give Practica kids more opportunities than most children to do things that call for praise from parents. I can imagine that it’s going to take some practice to think of things to say that are practical and relevant – it just used to be so much easier to sincerely respond with “you’re so smart” to everything! But it cannot be too difficult. If our kids can learn new things – so can we!