3 Tips on how to Calm an Angry Child

picture: http://www.myguitarsolo.com/

In a previous post called “The Two Kinds of Tantrums” we described how certain tantrums require that parents move towards their children to help them to deal with their overwhelming emotions, while a second kind of tantrum requires that parents move away from their child.

With this in mind we’ve sourced a few practical tips from http://www.allsands.com/ for you; something to keep up your sleeve for when your child genuinely needs emotional support and you feel as if you need a “magic wand” to make things better!

3 quick comfort measures for a child of any age

There are times when all children become angry or upset. It can be caused by something as simple as having been out at the mall too long, or even something more obvious like a sibling taking the other child’s favourite toy. There are quick and simple ways you can calm your child, but be aware that each child is different and may prefer different methods to settle down.

1. Small children are often comforted by being held tightly. Rock and sing to them. Express your love for them in terms that increase in size. For example, “My love for you is as big as a bug.” Then progress to, “My love for you is as big as a gorilla.” Encourage your child to help you think up bigger and bigger things until they are no longer focused on the anger.

2. Whisper in your child’s ear. Whisper that you love them, or whisper something silly. If they’ve been screaming this will stop them as they strain to listen to you. If you can think up something really great to say, often the upset turns to laughter or at least a less frantic mood.

3. Hold your child and tell them they have a smile inside, and if they don’t let it out it will turn into a giggle. Often it will. If your child is reticent to smile, tickle them gently, or say “no laughing” and usually this will turn things around until the anger is replaced with laughter and smiles.

These methods are not meant to encourage any parent to ignore their child’s anger. Once you have your child calmed down, you can then ask what the trouble is. The point of calming them is not only for emotional reasons, but they will not be able to communicate very well if they are screaming, crying or too upset to speak. Talk softly and gently to your child so that talking about what just angered and upset them doesn’t bring it all back, causing another fit of anger or tears.

The Practically Speaking Team
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

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The 10 Things Children REALLY Want From Parents

Picture: www.nanascorner.com

In our world today, parents can often feel that they are not being good parents unless their children have access to countless battery-operated toys, or even more extra-mural activities and sports to choose from. The result is a parent who is running from pillar to post in an effort to give their child everything they can...

But what matters most to children? Is it all the goodies, a designer room, and a jam-packed schedule? Or is it the smile on your face when they walk into a room? If you guessed the latter, you’re right.

Over 16 years, Erin Kurt (a US based teacher) asked her students every Mother’s Day to give her tips on being a better mother. Every year, no matter what country she found herself in, or what the demographic of the students in her class was, the answers were always the same – it’s the small things that parents do that make the biggest difference to their children.

Here is her top 10 list of all time:

1. Come into my bedroom at night, tuck me in and sing me a song. Also, tell me stories about when you were little.

2. Give me hugs and kisses and sit and talk to me privately.

3. Spend quality time with just me, without my brothers and sisters around.

4. Give me nutritious food so that I can grow up healthy.

5. At dinner, talk about what we could do together over the weekend.

6. At night, talk to me about anything – love, school, family etc.

7. Let me play outside... a lot.

8. Cuddle under a blanket and watch our favourite television shows together.

9. Discipline me. It makes me feel like you care.

10. Leave special messages in my desk or lunch bag.


Now, this is by no means an empirical study... but it certainly makes emotional sense to us. We adults tend to view life through the glasses that society has taught us to wear, while children can be profoundly insightful simply because they see things as they really are.

What we can learn from this is that Jesse Jackson was perfectly right when he said: “Your children need your presence more than your presents”.

We live in a society in which, for the most part, time is more scarce than money - so this kind of lifestyle may sound like a tall order to many parents. However, when we know better… we do better and each and every parent can choose to get better at making time to give these simple gifts of love: Attention, Loving Actions and Words, Healthy Food, Playtime, and Discipline – isn’t that great news?

*We think it’s striking how well the children’s top 10 list aligns with Sue Palmar’s article in the Daily Mail titled “Why are children today so unhappy?” Link: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-468866/Why-children-today-unhappy.html


Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

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How to keep sane when the going gets tough

Picture: http://www.thiscrazythingcalledmotherhood.blogspot.com/

Being a parent is certainly a challenging undertaking, especially since most children can push the boundaries and be emotionally-charged at times. Nowadays, it seems as if the concept of ‘good’ parenting is forever changing, depending on which expert is doing the talking. This is because the very context in which parenting takes place (our cultures, society and the global community), is in a state of constant flux...

While it certainly is a blessing to live in an age where information is so readily available, there is a flip-side to this golden coin. The result can be a parent that is overwhelmed, tired, unsure and lacking confidence. Unfiltered and contradicting information can paralyse instead of galvanise.

However, one thing has not changed... That little person standing in front of you who is throwing a wobbly because he is not getting whatever it is he so desperately wants. Young children the world over are more alike than different, and they all share the same uncanny ability to push the limits with relentless stamina at times – as if they are programmed to ‘go, go, go!’.

Another unchanging fact is that all children experience frustration from time to time. It may be caused by all sorts of things – not getting their way, not being able to get their body to do what they want, not being able to reach the chandelier from which they so badly want to hang... This is one their jobs as children – to experiment with what is and what isn’t possible.

However, many parents today feel that they need to ‘protect’ their children from becoming frustrated, as if frustration in itself is a bad thing. They overlook the fact that frustration teaches children valuable lessons: how to be patient and to persevere. Being able to delay gratification is not inborn, it is a learned ability (and one that many adults can’t do too well either) – and it is an important factor in developing Emotional Intelligence (EQ).

Nowadays many well intended parents try to give in to their children’s every whim in an effort to protect them from feeling frustrated. In the process, these parents (mostly mothers) become tired, overwhelmed, and quite frankly grumpy...

Sadly, when parents are noticeably emotionally battered, their children run a very high risk of experiencing intense feelings of guilt. And a child who is riddled with guilt and shame is far worse off than a child who is given the opportunity to learn to deal with the natural frustrations of everyday life!

Every parent will undoubtedly feel unsure, tired and overwhelmed at times. The road which parents walk is long and winding… But the good news is, whatever your parenting style or philosophy, there are six tried and tested steps and thoughts that you can keep in mind to help ground yourself emotionally - to keep you just a tad further away from slipping into a ‘bad place’ when you’re facing daily challenges with your little one:

Make Friends with Frustration


1. Stop seeing your child’s frustration as ‘bad’... Remember patience, perseverance and the ability to delay gratification are not an inborn qualities, but learned skills (and “obedience” is not a four-letter word!).


2. Don’t feel guilty for being the ‘bad cop’ parent... If you’re worried that you’re the one who is always dishing out the discipline, don’t let the lure of being the ‘good cop’ push you off course. Children desperately need boundaries. Over the long haul they naturally gravitate towards adults who discipline and guide them in a nurturing, but firm way. It’s simply a part of their innate need to have structure in their lives.


3. Fight the urge to ‘give in’ so that your toddler leaves you in peace... There comes a point when parents are just too tired. So in an effort to maintain their sanity, they undermine months of hard work by giving in to their child just to get some peace and quiet. Sound familiar?

Make Friends with Yourself


4. Align your expectations with reality... Children are children after all. The sooner we all start talking about reality, the better. And toddlers specifically are little tornado's of energy with very little life experience... 


Accept this. Understand that things will not run smoothly (most of the time). Accepting that your toddler is just ‘being a toddler’. Because a child is prone to make mistakes does not mean that you condone undesirable behaviour. But, acceptance makes it possible to guide and discipline a child with love instead of with anger.


5. Set firm boundaries... Exactly what these boundaries are is up to you. Some of the rules in your home may seem trivial to others – but if they keep you sane and grounded, go ahead and do what you need to do in order to keep yourself and your emotions on an even keel. A tired, frustrated, ‘empty’ parent is no good for a growing child.


6. Nurture yourself as a caregiver and parent... In order to give abundantly of yourself to your children, you must have a resource from which to draw. You cannot draw from an empty tank. If this means taking 30 minutes a day to help you re-charge, or a whole afternoon once a week, then so be it.

The bottom line is that frustration is a natural and normal part of life – not only for adults, but for children too. The key is to adjust expectations without condoning undesirable behaviour. Then you will be able to make choices and interact with your child from a place of confidence. Put boundaries into place in order to protect yourself from burn-out and your child from guilt. To parent in a way that makes you unhappy will also make your child unhappy – without a doubt.

When you learn to balance the self-sacrifice that naturally goes along with being a loving parent, with making parenting choices that make you happy, you are well on your way to becoming a more emotionally grounded parent. And this will give your child a better shot at being happy too. Let’s put first things first.

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

A great tip for dealing with BIG change!



Example of a page from a personalised book
Design by Loren Stow

 When you know your child is going to experience a big change, such as starting a new school, moving house, or the arrival of a new sibling, there is a creative and effective idea that has worked well for many moms and dads. Its basically a parent-led visualisation exercise for young children which helps our little ones to ‘make pictures in their minds-eye’ that works for them!

Create a book for your child, filled with real photographs and words that are applicable to the change they are experiencing. In this way, you can ‘paint a picture’ for your child of their world – and, when they recognise this ‘picture’ in their real life, they are filled with an immense security and feelings of everything being ‘just right’ in their world.

How to create the book:
(You can apply the ideas below to any major event)


New School:


Take photographs of your child during his school day. The pictures should include activities (in sandpit, on the swing, building blocks, dancing to the music etc.), people (teacher, headmaster, assistants, friends etc.), and things (the classroom, the bathroom, their school bag, their lunchbox etc).

Using your computer, make pages where you have the picture and a ‘story’ beneath each. For example, “Here is Johnny in the sandpit, playing with his friends,” and “This is Miss Henderson, Johnny’s teacher” etc.

Print the pages and slip them into a flip file.

New Sibling:
(Here it is important to stress your child’s place in the home and family)

Take photographs of your child’s routine and home life, including (as above) activities (bath time, bedtime, mealtime, playtime), people (mommy, daddy, nanny, the pets etc), and things (bed, bath, blanket, favourite toy etc).

Again, put a short ‘story’ under each picture and print the pages to be inserted into a flip file.

You can now read your special book over and over again, giving your child a certainty of how everything is ‘as it should be’ in his world. By repeating the story again and again, you are guiding your child in understanding his world and creating a sense of predictability and the security that goes along with that.

Tips to focus on when creating your child’s book:


• Routines and sequences of events (including small details such as picking up toys after play time, getting into pyjamas after bath time etc.).


• Specific places where things happen (such as mealtimes, playtime etc).


• Objects that are used.


• Try to have your child in the pictures (it is about him after all).


• Ensure that the book is realistic (don’t paint a picture that is far from the truth, because then it will just be confusing. Stay as close to reality as possible...)

Beyond the practical and emotional benefit of giving your child their very own personalised book, you are also creating a life-long memory for your child and a great gift for grandparents! You can ‘up the ante’ and even try your hand at digital scrapbooking, creating not just a book, but a colourful work of art that will catch your little one’s eye and will be treasured forever.

There are many free digital scrapbooking downloads available on the internet (try http://www.shabbyprincess.com/), and so this does not have to cost a fortune at all. Just a bit of time (which is very precious, we know...) and some creative inspiration is all that is needed!

Why not give it a try? Your child will find it easier to deal with big changes in his world, you will get to create something truly special, and the result will document your child’s special world for a lifetime.

Words: Loren Stow

when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

*If you are interested in doing a book for your child, but don't have the time, email Loren to get a quote on designing your child's unique book for you - info@lorenstow.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

How to fill your child's 'love tank'



Photography: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

 As parents, we do our very best for our children, actively giving them everything we believe they need... and more. So, the idea that their ‘love tanks’ may sometimes be running low is not only hard to believe, but it flies in the face of the love we express for them daily through our words and actions.

The 5 Love Languages

In a book written by Gary Chapman, called The 5 Love Languages (Moody Press, 1997), the author describes how there are five main ways of expressing and experiencing love (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch).

Each of us (including our children) prefers to express and receive love in one or maybe two of these ways. If we can find a way to ‘talk’ the right love language, well then our needs and the needs of those we love are easier to fulfil.

This book is very true, and a later companion book called The 5 Love Languages of Children (Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell M.D.), notes that a child's preferred 'love language' only becomes noticeable from around age five. 


What about babies and toddlers?

Interestingly, when a baby is born, the one area of the brain that is most developed and able to process information is the area regulating touch. And, because little babies and toddlers live on a very physical level, for the most part they experience life and understand the world through their bodies.

Babies and toddlers also naturally don't yet understand abstract concepts like giving and receiving gifts; the underlying value of spending time together; the meaning of words; and the intentions behind acts of service. So it makes sense that young children across the board initially prefer the language of physical touch when it comes to expressing and experiencing love and affection.

What is an 'empty love tank'?

Simply put, a person suffers from an empty love tank when he doesn't feel loved and secure in the relationship he has with the important people in his life.

How do I know when my child's love tank is running low?

1. Your little one becomes very clingy.

2. Your little one becomes more demanding than usual, especially when you’re in the middle of something, like a phone call, shopping, or cooking dinner...

3. Your little one cannot deal with simple frustrations (like someone taking their toy) and have a meltdown as if their emotional foundation has been rocked when they don't get their way.

4. Your little one is finding it exceptionally difficult to deal with a ‘big change’, such as a new school, teacher, sibling, moving house, a divorce or any other major life changes.


This is the season of empty tanks!

At this time of year, the Practica Program Advisory Service commonly receives many calls from Practica Parents needing advice on two areas – a need for discipline-related information, and issues related to new day care arrangements (new crèche, new teacher, new nanny etc).

In both instances, there are many underlying causes for the problem, but an empty love tank is often one. Typically, a shift from the fun and closeness of the holidays back to the business of everyday life can make your child feel emotionally insecure. And parents often don't communicate their love for their children in a 'language' that their children can understand - the result being that their children don’t have the emotional reserve to deal with small frustrations, which leads to discipline problems, or big changes, which leads to clinginess.

The value of Touch Therapy

The good news is that you can help to solve two incredibly taxing parenting challenges with one simple remedy: fill your child’s love tank. And how is this done? Well, while filling somebody's love tank may involve different things for different people, Touch Therapy is by far the most effective way to communicate love and security to young children.

When using Touch Therapy, you are literally communicating to your child that he is deeply loved... When done correctly, this basic touch-technique tells your child what countless of words and actions can not...

Because Touch Therapy helps to fill your child's love tank, the end result is usually a child who is more emotionally grounded, secure and resilient. So it is also a great method to use when starting sleep training; when a new sibling arrives; when your child is struggling with frustration; when your child is being verbally or physically aggressive; and when your child is sick.

Commonly, parents find they interpret their child’s negative behaviour with more insight and empathy once they are aware of the concept of an empty love tank. However, beware of responding by doing Touch Therapy within a few minutes after an ‘incident’, in an effort to soothe your child, because you may inadvertently be rewarding the negative behaviour. In fact, Touch Therapy works best as part of a routine, for instance, every morning and every night at roughly the same point in your waking-up or bedtime sequence of events.

Touch Therapy – Step by Step

You can do Touch Therapy when your child is lying down, or even sitting on your lap. Using gentle but firm and rhythmical pressure, hold-and-squeeze your child’s arms, starting at the shoulders. Slowly and repeatedly hold-and-squeeze all the way down his arms until you reach his wrists. At this point, press your child’s hands together and squeeze them gently but firmly. Now, do the same with your child’s legs, starting at his hips and working towards his ankles, ending off by gently but firmly squeezing his feet together. You can repeat this slow and rhythmical ‘massage’ for at least five minutes, and it makes the whole experience more enjoyable for your little one if you sing and recite rhymes to the rhythm of the movements of your hands. Try to make as much eye contact with your child as is comfortable for the both of you, and remember this is a special time, so the atmosphere should ideally be calm, relaxing and free from distractions for these few minutes.

As your child’s personality unfolds and develops between the ages of five and eight, he will find himself drawn more towards one of the five love languages as described by Gary Chapman. But it is good to know that for the rest of his life, touch will remain a calming and reassuring experience. And this is true not only for your children, but for you as an adult as well. There is nothing more effective than a good firm hug every now and again to make us feel as if our very existence is solid and worthwhile.

If you’d like to read more about why touch is so magical, please refer to our previous post called “A Mother’s Touch”.

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Maintaining a Sense of Routine in the Holidays

Image: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

The holidays are a time when we have all the time in the world (for a week or two) to spend with our families. Sometimes we go on holiday, other times we stay at home, and other times we invite family to stay with us... Holidays are treasured by most as an opportunity to recharge, enjoy their family and have fun experiences.
Whatever your plans this holiday, it is a given is that your normal routine will most likely be affected in some way. Children are home from school and creche, carers and nanny's are also away on their own vacations, there may be day-trips, weeks away, and a whole lot of busy-ness...

Just how important are routines and can you ensure that they are nurtured? 

For young children, routines are incredibly important. They create feelings of safety and being grounded in an ever-changing world (even more relevant when holidays roll around and their day-to-day life changes completely for a few weeks). In addition, young children actually look forward to their routines and enjoy them immensely.

So, how can you ensure that your children don't feel lost or insecure at a time when routines may be difficult or just plain impossible to follow?

The good news is that routines are not as 'time-based' or 'location-based' as parents think - as adults we usually relate the word 'routine' to a time-table and a certain place. While being three hours late for lunch or expecting our children to eat their lunch in the car would be a bit of push... doing lunch 30 minutes early or late, at a Wimpy en route to your holiday at the sea doesn't have to stray too far from the routine at all... 

You see, this is because children do not see routine as a time-table. They see routine as the sequence of activities before, during and after an event. If you wash hands and say grace before every meal, talk about your favourite part of the day during the meal, and then wait for everyone to be finished with the meal before you clear the table, then this is the sequence of events that need to be applied at closely as possible no matter where you are.

The idea is that simply because you are in another location, or you're not perfectly 'on-time', does not mean that you cannot still apply the sequence of events that creates a sense of routine for your child.

Another example is if you usually read the same bedtime story every night and then blow out a candle just before saying good night - when you pack for a holiday away remember to take the book and candle with you, so that you can continue with the routine no matter where you are and even if your little one stays up a little past bedtime.

If you have overnight guests or are entertaining, you may need to shorten the individual steps (read one book instead of three at bedtime). You can also involve other family members, like grandparents, who are willing to help and want to deepen their relationship with your little one. Give them what they need and a little run-down of what needs to be done. You never know, your little one might be thrilled by this! The important thing is to stick to the basic routine.

So, in order to ensure that you keep your little one's routines going strong, take the time to look at their day and note the special sequences around events such as waking time, eating time, play time, bath time and bedtime.  What is the pattern that you follow and are there any special props (such as a special towel, a bowl and spoon, a candle or book)? Make sure you make space for these things in your child's day, no matter where you are and what you're doing.

On the topic of routines, we thought we would share some special routine ideas that we've come across, that perhaps you apply in your little one's life...

Bedtime
A Practica Parent shared how he sends his little one off to dreamland every night, simply using a plastic glass with a glitter detail. He switches off the light and puts a torch under the glass, illuminating all the wonderful glitter. His daughter takes a sip of the 'magic water' just before going to sleep to help her off to wonderland...

Early Morning
Why not have a 'rise and shine' song that you sing with your little one just before getting out of bed. This song signals the start of a wonderful new day.  "Hi ho, hi ho, its off to work we go..."

Cleaning Up
Using the magic of song again, why not sing while you pack away toys? "This is the way we pack our toys, pack our toys, pack our toys... this is the way we pack our toys, every single night..."

Welcome Home
When transitioning from a day out back to being at home, why not have a routine where everyone gets a drink and sits down to relax and unwind for five minutes before getting busy with the next thing on the list?

Meal Time
Setting the table (whether alone or just assisting) is a great way to incorporate routine in mealtimes. Another routine, as mentioned above, is washing hands, saying grace and sharing stories during meal time.

Hygiene
It's sometimes difficult for children to know how long to brush their teeth for, so you could use an egg timer or even sing a song, and your children know to brush their teeth for this whole time before rinsing. At bath time, my children choose which toys they want to play with in the bath - they have a basket filled with toys and throw their favourites in the running water with much 'hoopla' and joy!

Leaving Routine
It's often difficult for little ones to transition between activities, like shopping, visiting a friend, being on the beach or watching television. It helps immensely to have a routine where you ask your child to say goodbye and wave. In this way they understand that they are finishing with one thing and moving to the next.

Holiday Routine
Lizette describes how, as a preschooler, on family holidays to the beach, her father would always rinse her feet of all the sand under the tap and then carry her back to their cottage - to this day she remembers how that felt and that she looked forward to that little routine almost as much as playing in the sand and sea. Why not create a little everyday routine that is especially for your holiday?

Back to School
For older children, it may help them to feel excited about returning to school if you try to remember all their classmate's names and think of one positive sentence about each one. This shows that you care about their world at school and that they have something to look forward to after every holiday.

We hope that your family's holiday is safe and filled with love and that you find a way to maintain (or even introduce new) routines in your little one's life. These routines cannot be underestimated for their value in creating security, fostering excitement and building long-lasting memories.

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comment or a special routine you'd like to share? Email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za