Why you should not tell your toddler to "Stop crying!"

Psychologist Debbie Glasser advises parents not to say “Stop crying” or “Don’t be scared” when dealing with their toddlers. She says, “It's natural to want to protect a child from these feelings, but saying 'Don't be' doesn't make a child feel better, and it also can send the message that his emotions aren't valid - that it's not okay to be sad or scared."

We at Practica would like to add to this: when you give an instruction to your child that involves his body, such as: “Don’t touch the hot stove”, your toddler has a choice between two actions. He can either touch the stove, or not. Both these options are within his control.

On the other hand, when it comes to feelings, a toddler really doesn’t have a choice other than to give in to the emotion.

Your toddler is still in the process of learning other ways of dealing with intense feelings.

Interestingly, the way your toddler will learn how to soothe himself and deal with his own emotions in a more mature way is being shaped by the way that YOU deal with his big feelings now! When you soothe him, he learns to self-soothe and your compassion teaches him self-compassion.

In other words, when you say “Stop crying!” you are asking your child to do something that is developmentally still beyond his ability. When you treat his feelings as natural, soothe and hold him, and validate his feelings, you are modelling to him how to do these things for himself one day.

Before you know it your child won’t be a toddler any longer and he will be able to deal with big feelings in more mature ways.

NOTE: We are not saying that all crying is equal! This only applies to situations where a toddler has a valid reason for crying, e.g. when he is scared, frustrated, over-tired or angry to the point where he is overwhelmed by his emotions. It doesn’t apply to situations where your child is using crying to manipulate you and get his way. Read about the two kinds of tantrums here

Words: Lizette van Huyssteen

When we know better... we do better

10 tips to boost speech & language development

Children are talking less. In fact, research in the UK points to a disturbing trend where half of all five-year-olds entering primary school are very far behind on their speech milestones. “Up to 300,000 [children] are struggling to string a sentence together or [aren’t able] to understand simple instructions by the age of five,” says the Daily Mail article penned by Sarah Harris. And, says Sarah, the main reason for this sad state of affairs is that today’s parents simply spend less time speaking to their children than the parents of yesteryear...

    This is all fine and well, but we’re beyond busy these days aren’t we? Just how can we fit more time into our days? The fact is, being a parent has always been a really tough job, but our parents didn’t have television ‘digital’ babysitters or battery operated decoys… They had to find a way to include us and engage us… The simplest way back then was through conversation. And parents today can do the same – for the sake of their children’s ability to speak and understand language.

   The good news is that there are 10 easy pointers that can amplify your efforts as you encourage your little one’s speech and language skills.

1.       Put yourself in your child’s shoes
What does your child want to talk about? What would be most important to your child in the different situations you find yourselves in? Your child is most likely to pay attention to what you say when you’re talking about something that interests him, albeit using simple language. On top of this, you can  learn a great deal about what your little one is thinking and feeling by looking at his facial expressions and his body language to see where he is focusing his attention.

2.       Make it meaningful and simple

Always start with the most natural and common use of a word possible.
  
   For example, start with ‘bird’ before progressing to ‘goose’ or ‘duck’.

3.       Get descriptive
Try not to just name things, but describe them too…

   For example, ‘see the shiny apple’ or ‘touch the cat softly’. And, instead of simply saying, “Put it over there”, you can say “Please put the fluffy cushion on the blue chair.” The more specific and descriptive our language is as we speak to children, the more they learn.

4.       Get real
While it remains  really important to read books with your child and point to pictures, language is often learned much quicker through actual experience. For example, it is much easier to learn the words ‘kick’ and ‘ball’ when you’re actually kicking a ball together.

5.       Make the most of everyday opportunities
This is really an easy one, because any toddler wants to be involved anyway.

   For example, let your child help you pack the washing machine and talk about ‘socks’, ‘pants’, and other clothes, or let them “help” you find things in the grocery store.

   It’s great to introduce children to new and novel experiences for obvious reasons, but everyday experiences are specifically valuable because they create the opportunity for children to learn through real life experience. It’s also easy to repeat these experiences over and over again.  

6.       Use gestures
Not only is it ok, it is actually great if you use gestures for certain words such as ‘hello’ (wave), ‘fetch the…’ (point), ‘sit on my lap’ (pat your lap) etc. You can also indicate when things are big or small with your hands or point if you want your child to climb over or under something. To add to the meaning as well, you can use your voice and facial expressions to indicate anger, sadness, sleepiness, happiness etc.

7.       Repetition, repetition, repetition
It is very important to emphasize and repeat the words you want your child to learn. Sometimes you may need to repeat something several times and sometimes a hundred times; it depends on the age of your child and the particular word.

   For example, you can emphasize the word whenever the moment arises and then repeat it immediately again, “It is time to bath. You like to bath. Let’s go bath!”

8.       Respond immediately
There is nothing like an instant response to tell a child that using language and speaking is important and valuable to them. When your child sees results, there will be more incentive for them to try and try again.

   For example, when you’re child points at a dog and says ‘dog’, you can respond by saying, ‘Yes… there is the dog! What do dogs say? Woof woof!’

9.       Practice makes perfect
At first your child will be approximating words and they may not be pronounced perfectly. This is just fine at first, so encourage your child to use the word without correcting the mistake and embarrassing your child.   Rather respond by using the word correctly in a sentence, for example, when your child points to a baby and says, “ba”, you can respond with, “Oh yes, a baby! Let’s say hello to the baby!”

10.   What words are not…
In order to learn what things are, your child also needs to know what they are not… It’s generally best to point out what something is before pointing out what it is not…

    For example, when you are playing with a ball you can use the ‘ball’ and then refer to a cube and say, ‘Is this a ball? No! Of course not! (and giggle) It’s a cube!’

   When research tells us that parents are spending more time watching television than in meaningful conversation with their children, it becomes concerning. Language is vitally important for a child’s intellectual development and being a parent is a lot like being a tour-guide to your child’s world.

   Talking to your children doesn’t have to mean dedicating more time that doesn’t actually exist – it just means switching off the television, getting them involved and making a little effort to talk to them – they will love it and so will you!

Remember, if your child can’t name it, he can’t claim it.

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better...

To comment or to be added to the mailing list for blog updates please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Asking and answering questions made simple

Image: www.lorenstow.co.za

Most parents can agree that it is incredibly frustrating when your baby or toddler wants something but can’t communicate what it is… You don’t know what to get them or do for them, and they get increasingly frantic… Another example is when you know that your child knows something, but when you ask them a question about it, all you get is a blank stare, like when you ask your child to show you the blue crayon and all of a sudden they can’t.

    With this in mind, we thought it would be fitting to do a post on how to teach your child to ask and answer questions. It is not as difficult as it sounds and is based firmly on encouraging your child to take part in his day-to-day activities while giving him a running commentary of what’s happening and why.

    Other than the obvious benefit of being able to understand what your child wants, teaching him how to ask to questions will also boost his confidence, help him to learn more about what’s going on around him in his world, and eventually increase his social skills.

Learning to ask

The process of teaching your child how to ask questions is, as with everything else, an on-going ‘dance’ that will continue well into adolescence, but you can get started from about the age of 21 months.

Question skills generally follow a typical order as follows:


2 yrs             Q: Yes/No     Eg: May I go?
2yrs              Q: What       Eg: What is this?
2 ½ yrs         Q: Where      Eg: Where is my shoe?
2 ½ - 3 yrs    Q: Who         Eg: Who is that?
4 – 5 yrs       Q: Why         Eg: Why is he crying?
4 – 5 yrs       Q: How         Eg: How did you make that?
5 – 6 yrs       Q: When       Eg: When is she coming?

“What” and “Where” questions develop first because at that stage a child is typically more interested in the names and locations of various things in their world. The “Why” and “How” questions develop from age four because this is when children start to think in more abstract terms. And the “When” questions develop after a child has learned a concept of time.

Why do some children struggle to ask questions?

There could be three reasons, and if your child is struggling at all it may be a good idea to see which area could use some attention. In order to ask a question your child needs to:

1. Know how to put words together to form questions
2. Have the thinking skills to think of something to ask
3. Trust that the other person is going to react positively

Encourage your child to ask questions

• You can start by modelling the behaviour and showing your child how people think about certain things, and then answer your own questions, for example “What is this? A feather!” or “What are we going to do next? Close the door!”

• Give your full attention when your child is asking a question, get down to their eye level and be patient, allowing enough time for the question to be asked.

• Answer your child’s questions – when you do this your child knows that they have been successful and their self-confidence is boosted.

• If you don’t understand the question, ask your child to repeat it or to try and show you. If your child hasn’t asked correctly or hasn’t used words, repeat their question in a simple, correct way and then answer it. For example, if your child points at their juice on the table you can say, “You want your juice? Here, mommy will get your juice for you.”

Learning to answer

The ability to answer questions develops at roughly the same rate as the ability to ask questions, and it’s a good idea to meet your child where they are at. So, if your child is asking “Why” questions, then you can assume that he can answer “Why” questions as well.

    The best time to ask questions is when you and your child are engrossed in an activity together. Wait and watch your child and see what his attention is on, and then ask a question about that. Make sure you have your child’s full attention before asking the question and allow your child some time to answer the question, creating a calm and accepting atmosphere.

    As a parent, it’s important to ask your child questions, but don’t overdo it and become like 00-Mom/Dad… It is all too easy to dominate the conversation. Try using questions to discover what your child is thinking and what he knows so that you know how to relate to him, rather than turning the conversation into a test or a lesson.

    And don’t forget, questions like “You know what?” are your child’s way of getting your attention so that they can share something with you – so respond with interest and love, and most of all have fun!

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better


Comments? Suggestions? Or simply want to be added to the emailed updates? Contact lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

How to improve your child's memory

Picture: http://biggerthanyourblock.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/child_learn.jpg

Do you remember a time when that complicated maths problem in 8th grade suddenly made sense? It was as if the clouds parted and the understanding 'dawned on you', changing the way you viewed maths from then on? Or is there another moment when a sudden realisation left you looking at the world in a completely new way?

Our children are in the unique position where this kind of learning - the kind that facilitates seeing the world from a new perspective - happens all the time! But what makes this kind of experience 'stick' into long-term memory?

A recent study done by the Weizmann Institute of Science discovered that we tend to remember 'aha' moments that are emotionally-laden better than ones that have no emotional context.

Using MRI scans, the researchers found that when participants were given certain 'aha' moments, the part of the brain called the amygdala was activated. This is the area of the brain associated with emotion.

In the study, participants were shown degraded and hardly identifiable images and then were shown the actual (clear) image - in an effort to create a moment of 'oh... that's what it is!'

However, not all images elicited an emotional response or 'lit up' the amygdala. In the end the researchers were able to actually predict that those images which elicited an emotional response from the amygdala guaranteed that the participant would be able to remember what the degraded image represented a long time after.

This corresponds with what we believe when it comes to helping your child to remember and learn new things - that when learning occurs in an emotional context, it 'sticks'.

There are three simple ways to give your child an emotionally-laden learning experience:

1. Create an opportunity for your child to make their own discovery.
When you allow your child to make their own discovery, for example that a big ball does not fit into a small opening, but that a small ball does, you allow them to experience an 'aha' moment of their own.

2. Make sure there is a fun atmosphere.
Making the learning experience fun, with lots of emotion from your part, helps to make the moment 'stick' into your child's memory. For example, when reading a book, make funny voices for each of the characters, exaggerate your facial expressions when pointing at the pictures and make the whole experience really fun for your child.

3. Praise your child.
When your child learns something new or completes a task, praise goes a long way towards giving the moment an emotional context. If you want to learn more about praise, visit the posts we did on this subject here and here.

By adding emotion to your child's learning experience, you can go a long way towards helping them to create memories and learn.

Study: Weizmann Institute of Science (2011, March 31). New insight into 'aha' memories.

The Practica Team
Parents who know better... do better.

Do you have a comment or do you want to be added to the emailed new-post alert? Email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Concentration - your child's mental workout!

Picture: http://blogs.simplyfun.com/

Parents often phone into the Practica Program Advisory Service asking why concentration is not listed as a ‘skill’ in the Parent’s Guide. This is because most parents want to help grow their children’s ability to concentrate. We agree that it is very important and felt this was indeed a topic to discuss!

What is concentration?

Let’s start off by saying that concentration is a term that describes the brain’s ability to keep on going at a task, much like the term ‘fitness’ describes the body’s ability to keep on going during a sport’s game.

    Researchers can use PET scans to point out different regions in the brain that control speech, analytical reasoning, emotional experiences, visual processing, auditory processing, motor skills and so on – but there is no region in the brain that can be pointed out as the ‘concentration’ hotspot. So instead of viewing concentration as a ‘skill’ on its own, it helps to think of concentration as being ‘mentally fit’.

How does a child naturally learn to concentrate for longer?
As discussed in earlier posts, a child’s brain is ‘wired’ during the early years of life, mainly during the first 3 years, and up to early-school-years. (If you missed that post, click here.) Two interesting processes go along with this ‘wiring’ process: (1) myelination and (2) the development of brain cohesion.

    1. Myelination: We know by now that activities which use the brain will develop a stronger neural network of connections between brain cells. As this process unfolds, a waxy covering develops around each and every neural connection that acts as ‘insulation’ in the same way as one would like to insulate an electrical wire to keep the sparks from flying all over the place. The more a certain region of the brain is used, the thicker these myelin sheaths develop around the brain cell connections in that area, and the smoother and more quickly information will travel there.

    As this process of myelination progresses throughout the various regions of a child’s brain, the child gradually learns to process information more effectively, focus his attention better, and keep going for longer. In other words – he learns to ‘concentrate’.

    2. Brain cohesion: The more various regions of the brain are used together in combinations, the better they learn to ‘talk’ to each other. That is called ‘brain cohesion.’ Interestingly, different tasks require different combinations of brain regions to work together.

    For example, as a child listens to a story while looking at the illustrations, he uses a special combination of brain regions that include those that process sounds, visual images, language, emotions, logical sequences and memory. However, when the same child looks at an instruction card to build a construction with blocks, he also uses the visual part, but now combines it with other regions, like those that control eye-hand coordination and logical reasoning.

    The more a certain combination of brain regions work together, the better they learn to talk to each other – it’s as if the information gets to travel on big highways between regions that are used together often, as opposed to having to travel on little footpaths between other regions of the brain.

    This explains why parents often report that a child can ‘concentrate at home’ but not at school. The simple explanation is that a formal school environment expects of the child to use combinations of brain regions together that he may not often get the opportunity to use together at home or in a pre-school. A good example of this would be a child who seldom listens to stories, but loves to play blocks can easily get to the point where he plays with his blocks for 30 minutes, but continues to ‘space out’ or start talking about other things after listening to a story (or a lesson) for 3 minutes!

How to train your child to concentrate for longer:

Step 1: Start by determining your child’s developmental level.
Many parents do not understand just how long their child should be able to concentrate for at any given age, so here is a practical age-by-age list:

Age and concentration in minutes

1 year = 1 minute

1,5 years = 2 minutes

2 years = 3 minutes

2,5 years = 5 minutes 

3 years = 10 minutes

4 years = 15 minutes

5 years = 20 minutes

6 years = 25 minutes 

    The most that a child of six years or older can concentrate for is 25 minutes, which is why the South African Department of Education has chosen to structure all school lessons in 25-30 minute intervals. In fact, most adults are also only able to really tolerate 25 minutes of concentration at a time as well.

Note to Practica Parents: One of the greatest benefits of the Practica Program is that the activities listed for every age group in the Parents' Guide has been specifically selected to last as long as a typical child of that age is able to concentrate.

Step 2: Build from the bottom up.
A person wanting to run the comrades marathon will start with a 10 minute walk once a day and build up to a point where they are fit enough to take on an 80km run, and again, this rings true for your child’s ability to concentrate.

    Similarly, if your 6 year old can concentrate for only 3-5 minutes, meet him where he is at by playing a wide variety of games with him that require of him to focus his attention and complete a task while actively using his mind for 3-5 minutes. (Parents who own a Practica Program can save time by paging to the 2-year old section in the Parents’ Guide and choosing activities from all the various sections listed under that age, because the games in that section are designed to last for 3-5 minutes.)

    After a number of weeks, when your child is confident that he can easily play all kinds of games for 5 minutes at a time, move on to activities that encourage your child to keep going for 10 minutes at a time (listed in the 3-year old section in the Parents' Guide) … and so forth. Keep going slowly but surely until your child reaches the point where he enjoys activities that are age-appropriate for a 6-year old and keeps going for 25 minutes at a time.

Important pointers:

1. Variety is very important
Spending many hours practising your tennis game isn’t going to do much to improve your soccer skills – simply because each game requires a unique combination of body parts to work together well. Similarly, the best way to prepare a young child for any challenge that may come his way later on in his schooling career is to play a WIDE variety of activities and games on a regular basis. We’re repeating ourselves, but this important factor is so often overlooked that it is worth repeating!

2. Don’t waste precious concentration time!
Don’t be discouraged when you spend 20 minutes preparing an interesting activity for your 2,5-year-old only to find that they get bored after five minutes! This is completely normal!

    This is not to say that you shouldn’t prepare activities, but it is a great idea to prepare them once a week for the week ahead (as is recommended by the Practica Program), so that you have them on hand quickly and can catch your little one when they’re ready to interact.

    It is also a good idea to spread activities out. Do some brain-building interaction for the length of time listed above and then take a 10-15 minute break and do the same thing or something new again after that. This gives your child a chance to ‘recharge’ and be mentally ready for the next activity.

3. Differentiate between fun and fitness
In physical fitness there is a real difference between the benefits of swing-ball (which is fun) and the benefits of tennis (which builds fitness), and the same rule applies to building mental fitness.

    While it may be fun to run around outside, unpack the Tupperware drawer and bang pots together, and free-play and creativity have their place in your child’s day, this kind of unstructured activity is not going to exercise your child’s ability to concentrate.

    The kinds of games and activities that do improve concentration involve anything where there is a task to be completed, a plan to be followed, steps to take in a progressive fashion and a goal at the end of the activity. For example, finding all the yellow marbles, or stacking a tower of 10 blocks high, matching all the same coloured socks, building a construction with building blocks according to the instructions on an instruction card, singing a song from beginning to end with specific gestures at various points, etc.

4. Make building self-confidence a priority.
The greatest draw-back for a 6-year old who cannot concentrate for long is not always the obvious consequence of not being able to follow instructions and complete tasks – it’s more often the fact that he has been told directly or indirectly, over and over again by various adults in various situations that he cannot concentrate!

   In light of this, starting with activities aimed at 2-year-old level of concentration and building up from there has a dual purpose – not only are the activities short, but they’re also easy. By moving on to more advanced and longer activities gradually, you ensure that your child experience success over and over again, in a wide variety of contexts, he starts to believe in himself and his abilities. If you do not have a Practica Program you can still help your child by ensuring that you meet them where they are at, and slowly increasing the length of time in which they are encouraged to concentrate on completing a task.

    Concentration is important, especially when it comes to school as well as just learning about life in general, and just like keeping your body fit, it is all about keeping your mind fit as well!

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better

Comments, or a request to be added to the post update alert email? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

What makes educational games really valuable?

Picture: www.maxamuxa.com

When little Johnny’s mother points to a picture and states that the elephant is ‘big’ and the mouse is ‘small’ it doesn’t mean much to the little guy.

Later, as the two of them are packing toys away, he tries to fit his big inflatable beach ball into the smaller sized toy basket with no success. His mom adds meaning to his experience by saying” Oh dear! The ball is BIG and the opening is SMALL. Let’s pack all the BIG toys here next to the wall and put the SMALLER things in the toy hamper.”

That evening, when she points to the picture in the book again, Johnny’s eyes light up when she talks about the “big” elephant and the “small” mouse. On their way to the bathroom Mom says: “Let’s make BIG steps like the elephant, and now make SMALL steps like the mouse” and the concept of big and small is slowly but surely starting to become more real to him!

Little children live and learn in a physical world.
Abstract ideas don’t mean much when it comes to little ones. They need real life experiences that clarify those abstract ideas for them. As in little Johnny’s case, the most meaningful real-life experiences can be divided into 3 categories: those that involve a child’s body (kinaesthetic experience), his hands (handling 3-dimensional objects) and his eyes (looking at 2-dimensional images printed on paper).

In other words, the best way to teach the concept of the ‘number three’ to a 3 year old will be to play three kinds of games with him:

1) Get his body moving: “Let’s jump in the air THREE times. Now let’s count while we walk up these THREE steps: “One, Two, THREE!”

2) Let his hands handle 3D objects: “Let’s build a tower with THREE blocks.”

3) Get those eyes looking at 2D images: “Look at the DICE – how many dots do you count? One, Two, THREE! How many ducks are in this picture?”

Playing all of these kinds of games make all the difference.
In fact, this is the basis of much of the success of the Practica Program. Practica Parents will notice, as they read through the hundreds of activities listed for the various age groups in the Parents’ Guide that each and every one of the activities falls into one of the key three categories described above.

The beauty of the Practica Program is that all the work has been done for the parent and it’s handy to have all the specialised toys and printed material readily at hand.

Games that you can create yourself:
If you don’t own a Practica Program, there is no need to feel left out. It will take some time, but you can improvise and put together your own list of helpful activities.

Start off by selecting an age-appropriate concept that you’d like to introduce to your child. Then think of a game that involves body movement, another one that involves his hands, and another one that involves an image on a flat surface.

For example, say you’d like to introduce your child to the concept of a triangle:

Games in Category 1 (using body movement):
• Draw a large triangle with chalk on the pavement in your driveway, or use masking tape to tape a triangle onto the floor in your child’s room. Place a little toy at every corner and say, “Let’s walk on the triangle to get to the toys. Now let’s put all three the bears inside the triangle.”

• Get down on the floor and say, “Let’s see if you and I and your dad can use our bodies to lie down on the floor in the shape of a triangle!”

Games in Category 2 (hands handling 3D objects):
• Let’s use our fingers to make a triangle!”

• “I have placed cardboard shapes in a bag – put your hand in there and see if you can find me a triangle!”

Games in Category 3 (eyes looking at 2D images):
• “Let’s draw triangles on brown paper and then use it to wrap Daddy’s present. He loves triangles!”

• “Help me to use these match sticks to build lots of triangles on the coffee table.”

• “I’m busy drawing a row of houses on the blackboard. Let me show you how you can draw triangles to make a roof for each of them.”

Why go to all the trouble?
Many of us know what it feels like to work on an essay for weeks to get a mark of 60%, while the product that another child has whipped together in 30 minutes during break time ends up being published in the local newspaper!

And even more of us remember sitting in a Maths class, with hair rising in the back of our necks as we struggle to figure out which of whole series of mathematical rules should be applied to make some sense out of a question in a geometry test. And there was always that one kid who could give the sketch one look and immediately respond with a solution to the problem, almost instinctively. Well, that’s the kind of insight that we’re trying to develop in our children by introducing them to all kinds of concepts in a more creative and “real” way at an early age.

We want them to develop such a deeply ingrained understanding of the world around them at an early age that their understanding and insights will be almost sub-conscious by the time their old enough to make their mark in life! Almost like a golf player that practices his golf swing correctly from the start so that the ends up with the right ‘muscle-memory’ later on in his career.

We hope that this knowledge opens up a whole new world of possibilities for you and your child. It’s so much more rewarding to invest time and energy into doing things that really make a difference!

The Practica Team
Parents who know better… do better.

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

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