Five ways in which a child learns social skills

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Most parents agree that they want their children to reach their full potential – whatever that may be. They won’t enjoy and celebrate a child any less if it turns out that his or her fullest potential doesn’t involve straight A’s and being hugely successful in the sports arena. In fact, most of us will be more than pleased to see our little ones grow up to be truly happy and successful in their own unique way. As long as they live their best life – everything else is a bonus.


    However, ask any adult about their happiness level and whether they think they’re living meaningful lives and you will soon realise that "living your best life" is not as easy as it sounds. It's so difficult, in fact, that any practical advice to parents about things that can be done during the early years to increase a child’s changes to be happy and content one day is extremely valuable.


    Today’s tips focus on what research teaches us about cultivating social skills in our children. It is, after all, impossible for a person to be either happy or successful without being able to get along with people.


    Here are five things that parents can do to help lay a solid foundation with regards to social skills:


1. Talk about emotions. Studies show that children, whose parents talk about emotions often, are more popular and more comfortable in social situations and better able to cope with anger and disappointment.


2. Deliberately work on having a sunny outlook on life. Kids with the most developed preschool social skills are the ones who experience more positive emotions at home. It’s not necessary or even realistic to be constantly happy, but practice a “can-do” attitude towards setback and frustrations.


    Studies indicate that children suffer when parents – and particularly mothers – tend to give in to anger or despair when things don’t go according to plan. The more often children see their mothers display negative emotions, the less likely they are to view their mothers as people who can comfort them and give them advice.


3. Create special opportunities for pretend play and join in the action every now and then. One of the most important ways in which children develop friendships during the pre-school years is by playing pretend games together.


    Researchers have found that kids who pretend together are less likely than other kids to quarrel or have communication problems. They also develop self-control and the ability to “put themselves in somebody else’s shoes”. Parents who play along from time to time are doing their children a huge favour. Kids are found to play for longer and at a higher level when parents encourage them – but remember to keep the experience upbeat and don’t take over the situation completely; allow your little one to take the lead.


4. Use words wisely when you discipline your child. Kids whose parents take the time to explain rules and discuss consequences of bad behaviour have found to be popular, have more self-control and less conflict with peers.


5. Be sensitive to your child’s emotions. One study, done by Suzanne Denham in 1997 asked children to say what they think their parents would do when they experience strong emotions in various situations, for instance when they wake up from a bad dream. The very same kids who reported that their parents would comfort them and not ignore their emotions or get angry were the ones who were pointed out by teachers to be more socially skilled when they are amongst their friends. These children were also better able to relate to other children’s feelings, and they were generally more cooperative.


    What much of the research boils down to is that taking part, in an emotionally positive way is very important to your child’s social development. What’s more, discussing emotions, whether positive or negative, helps your child to understand their own emotions, and therefore other people’s emotions, so much better.


The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better


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How to teach Manners - the 123 and ABC

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In our last post we discussed how important it is to guide your young child in developing good manners because it will affect his self-concept, create higher EQ and eventually culminate in more success later on life (if you missed the post, go here). However, we're still just human beings, and some clear directions come in handy from time to time!

So, this post is going to give you the '123 and ABC' of manners - what you can realistically expect, when and how!

Although we all know this as parents, it can't hurt to repeat it - children learn by example!  So, if you want to foster respect in your child, treat them and those in their world with respect. If you want your child to say 'please', use the term when you ask something of them. If you want your child to greet people warmly, then make sure you greet them and those in their world warmly as well. And the list goes on...

1 and 2 year olds
You can realistically add 'please' and 'thank you' to your child's vocabulary from when they are able to say a few words. Be consistent and after you're sure that your child knows the words well, prompt him to say them when requesting or receiving something.

Introducing your child to dinner-time around the table around the age of two is also great! Even if they've eaten already, give them a bowl of yogurt or fruit, so that they don't feel left out. Talk to your toddler during dinner to demonstrate the social side of family dinners and let him experiment with a spoon. There may be a bit of a mess, which is understandable, but don't allow him to make a mess for the sake of it. Remember to praise your child when you're done, for example, "What a good job you did eating with your spoon tonight buddy!"

Two-year-olds can also be taught to greet politely. You can start by practicing at home, with all his stuffed toys, creating a little 'pretend' visit where he says 'hello' and 'goodbye' to each toy. You can also prompt your little one when you're going to visit a friend by saying, "We're going to visit aunty Mary. When we get there we're going to say 'hello'". However, some little ones get 'stage fright' anyway when it comes to saying hello to real people, and in this instance you can say hello for your child, reinforcing the social principle.

Toddlers will rarely 'play nicely' without adult supervision, so be prepared to closely monitor play dates. Sometimes it helps to have a special 'play date toy box' with two of every toy, but if this is not possible and there is a single favourite toy that everyone wants a piece of, ensure that everyone gets a turn. In this way you can introduce your toddler to the word 'share'. Sometimes you may need to change the scenery by going outside or to another room. And don't forget to praise your toddler when he does share nicely.

3 and 4 year olds

It is important to remember that whatever rules you put in place need to apply both at home and while you're out. However, don't ever embarrass your child out in public, if he has done something that requires a talk, do so in a private place like a washroom. Also remember that if you threaten consequences, you need to be willing to follow through.

Your three-year-old can now learn to not interrupt. You can teach him to tap your leg or put his hand on your arm when he wants your attention while you're in mid-sentence. Simply putting your free hand on his will reassure him that you know he's there and that he's waiting his turn to talk to you. Unless he's in real distress, he can only benefit from learning to wait for 5 or 10 minutes.

Now is the age to build on the table-manners you started the previous year. Make a light-hearted game out of sitting still and straight up for up to 10 minutes or longer. You can expect him to use his napkin properly and eat with a spoon or fork correctly. In addition he should be drinking from a cup neatly and can learn to ask to be excused from the table. He is also old enough to help to lay and clear the table around dinner time.

Your child is also old enough now to follow some basic 'birthday party etiquette' - such as not going for the pile of gifts that are not for him. When it's his party, you can teach him to accept gifts graciously through role play - remember, children often learn better when a concept is demonstrated to them. Praising your child for his efforts is so important, and try not to sweat the small mistakes he might make.

Saying 'sorry' and accepting a 'sorry' is also important at this stage. As parents, we instinctively prompt our children to say 'sorry' when they've hurt someone or taken someone's toy, and just as we'd like them to say sorry, we also want them to learn to graciously accept an apology if they are on the receiving end of the 'offence'.

Most children won't be able to say 'sorry' and mean it until they're about 7-8 years old. So while your child is still far from reaching that milestone, you will need to help him understand why he needs to say 'sorry', otherwise the word will end up having an empty meaning for him. For example, you can say, "Johnny, see how sad Ben is that you took his toy? Please give his toy back and say 'sorry' to help Ben feel better."

Another way to teach 'sorry' is to do so yourself if you have been in the wrong with your child, if for instance you've lost your temper with him. If you - the 'invincible' parent - can apologise, then it becomes easier for your child to say 'sorry' too.

Around this age, young children can sometimes lash out and call people names like 'stupid'. If your child does this you can simply say, "We don't call people stupid, I will not have you talk like that," and remove your child from the situation, explaining that he can't be around his friends or family if he doesn't talk nicely.

By the age of four, most children can remember to use the words 'please' and 'thank you' appropriately. They can also remember to say 'excuse me' after burps, and greet people without being prompted. But again, don't feel as though you've failed if they forget every now and again - Rome was not built in a day after all!

5 and 6 year olds

Your child should now be able to sit around a dinner table with the rest of the family and guests in an appropriate way - sitting still, receiving food graciously, eating with utensils, chewing with his mouth closed etc. 

As always, role-play is always helpful as it builds self-confidence. So if you want to you can 'simulate' a restaurant dinner, light candles and put flowers on the table. Make sure to give your child a list of the manners you want to see around the table, and then reward him in some way for a job well done.

Dinner is a wonderful time to share and come together as a family. Practice asking each other questions about the day and sharing in a light-hearted way. Try to avoid making dinner-time a battle-zone by keeping lectures and comments about unfinished chores for other times of the day, away from the family dinner.

Manners, at this age, should be second nature for your child, as he behaves in a way that is acceptable to your family and your culture.

What is important to remember is that manners are taught - they do not just 'happen' to a child. When you give your child the gift of manners and the self-discipline that goes along with it, you are not only shaping the way in which they perceive themselves and the world, but equipping them with a higher EQ and the potential to be a truly successful citizen of the world.

Having said that (and again...), Rome was not built in a day. There is fine line between firmly and lovingly guiding your child, and becoming a dictator who dissects everything your child does. You know your child best, and you know when they're doing their level best - reward their efforts, tell them you're proud of them, and lead by loving example.

The key principle to remember when you're not sure if you're doing the right thing? "Teach your child that he or she is very important, but no more important than anyone else."

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

3 Reasons to start manners early

I vaguely remember a time before I joined the legion of parents out there, looking at other people's children and thinking smugly to myself... "I would never let my child get away with that..." or "I can't believe how badly behaved that child is, my child will never do that..."

Then... I had my own children! And now it's a whole new ball game. I can now understand just how difficult it is to shape my children's behaviour in a positive way, and just how much time and effort it really takes. It's not easy, by any stretch of the imagination, I am sure you will agree? But still, I hope and pray that my children will one day be abundantly blessed with that magic social gift call 'manners'.

So how is it done - how do I bestow upon my little charges the very important gift of manners? What can be expected at their various ages and stages of development? When do I start? How do I start?

These are all questions that I think most parents ask, because we're all secretly hoping that on the other side of the 'tantrum curtain' is the little angel that we know exists in there... somewhere...

Common Questions

Many parents wonder why they should teach their children 'respectful' behaviour before the age of 7-8, which is when they really only start to understand the concept of 'respect'.

For example, why force a two-year-old, who is at a very difficult stage socially, to say 'please' and 'thank you' when they don't understand the words? Is that not being unreasonable? Surely, children who grow up in an environment where other people are being considerate to them will eventually choose to turn into considerate human beings - when they are good and ready to do so?

It's a case of which came first, the chicken or the egg? In other words, does a child have to understand respect in order to behave respectfully?

Well, in our research we have found three important reasons to strive to teach our children to be as well-mannered as reasonably possible from early on - firstly, acting respectfully leads to being respectful; secondly, good manners help pave the way to a higher EQ; and thirdly, manners teaches self-control which leads to success.

Acting respectfully leads to being respectful

Parents who put manners on the back-burner until their child is old enough to develop his own convictions about the matter, usually find themselves in a rather precarious situation. The reality of the situation is that it becomes difficult for the parents and others in their child's life to act as if their child is a blessing and a joy to be around if he's running around like a self-centered mini-dictator... no matter how understanding they try to be.

The development of this child's self-concept is not put on the back-burner along with the manners - no matter how young he is, the way in which those around him react to him continually shapes the way in which he perceives himself and the world around him. If people are constantly irritated and annoyed in this child's company, he will come to view himself as 'irritating' and learn that the world is cold and unwelcoming to someone who is as 'unlikeable' as he is.

On the other hand, approving smiles, appreciative looks, and positive comments from parents and other people can have an almost miraculously positive impact on a child's developing self-concept. It therefore makes sense to teach a child to be pleasant and courteous to people, even if he doesn't really yet understand the concept underlying this behaviour.

Then, by the time a child is old enough to truly understand what respect means, he will have three good reasons to continue being respectful. 1) He has been treated with respect within his own family and social circle many times before and knows that it feels good. 2) He has treated others with respect many times before and knows it makes them feel good. 3) He is used to thinking of himself as a 'nice boy' and acting in a way that is contrary to this is unthinkable to him. Being 'respectful' is just a more grown-up way of looking at it!

Good manners help pave the way to a higher EQ

Just like a child can be born with an amazing aptitude of music or sport, which may never be realised due to lack of opportunities, a child can also be born with the potential to develop a high emotional intelligence (EQ) and never reach this potential due to lack of guidance.

One of the most important components of EQ is a person's ability to effectively 'read' what other people are feeling and respond accordingly. Since having good manners is in essence about being sensitive to the needs and feelings of other people, teaching manners is a wonderfully practical way to help your child develop his emotional intelligence.

For example, when your child wipes his mouth on the tablecloth, you can remind him to use his napkin and make sure to bring other people's feelings into the picture by adding, "The reason why we wipe our mouths on napkins is because we want to keep the table looking nice and clean for all the other people who are also eating."

Another example is when your child interrupts you while you're on the phone. You can say, "You're interrupting. It's Granny on the phone. Mommy loves Granny. I need to speak to her. You'll have to wait for a while." Then hold your child's hand if need be so that he knows that you know that he's waiting. Continue talking for a few minutes, unless your child is in physical distress or danger.

No child can develop exceptional social skills without learning somewhere along the line that his feelings and needs are very important, but no more important than the feelings and needs of the other people in his world.

Manners teaches self control which leads to success

Dr Walter Mischel, psychologist specialising in personality theory and social psychology at the University of Columbia, studied hundreds of four-year-olds. In his study, each child was left alone in a room with a one-way-mirror for 15-20 minutes with a marshmallow on a plate in front of them. Before leaving the room 'to run an errand', the doctor explained that the child was allowed to eat the marshmallow, but if they could wait for him to return, they would get two marshmallows to eat!

Only one-third of the children were able to wait for his return and the reward of an extra marshmallow.

Follow-up studies of the children who were able to wait revealed that when these children were old to enough to graduate from high school, they scored higher on achievement tests. They also dealt with stress better and were more popular with their peers.

Researchers now know that there is an area in the brain called the 'dorsal frontomedian cortex', which is situated just above the eyes. This area is responsible for a person's ability to exercise self-control. Interestingly - and importantly - although it is one of the last areas of the brain to mature, its wiring starts at a very young age.

The more your child uses this area in his brain, even when he's only a toddler, the more densely it is wired. In other words, the more your child gets the opportunity to practice his ability to exert self-control, the easier it becomes (this is where all grandparents spontaneously applaud)!

Luckily we are not suggesting boot camps for toddlers! Dr Daniel Goleman, hugely successful psychologist and author of Emotional Intelligence (which was on the New York best-sellers list for 18 months and has sold five million copies worldwide in 30 different languages), says that parents can help a child develop self-control by doing nothing more than being good parents.

Instead of leaving it up to the child to figure out for themselves how they should behave, parents should be present to direct and influence their child's behaviour. Dr Goleman describes that this can be achieved by consistently saying 'no' to your child when he does something undesirable, encourage him to try again when he is frustrated by a challenging task and remind him to mind his manners in various situations.

The reason why parents' reminders eventually become internalised is because they are literally wired into their child's brain over time. "Habits shape character and character determines destiny."

So, when you're frustrated and feeling as though your efforts are simply falling into a bottomless black pit (also known as the 'terrible twos')... remember, you are making a difference to your child's development which will set the course of his life. Just like a river starts with a small trickle of water and grows bigger and wider and stronger as it gets closer to the ocean, so too will your efforts eventually accumulate to create a 'tide of manners'.


Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Practica Parents: We specifically develop emotional intelligence with games from 0-7 years, but ALL the Practica games actually develop EQ! Why? Because EQ has to do with how well a person can read and react to his own and other people’s emotions and control his own attitude and behaviour, and every Practica activity is an ideal opportunity to model and teach these skills in the right way at every age. Now that is Parent Power!


If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za