How to keep sane when the going gets tough

Picture: http://www.thiscrazythingcalledmotherhood.blogspot.com/

Being a parent is certainly a challenging undertaking, especially since most children can push the boundaries and be emotionally-charged at times. Nowadays, it seems as if the concept of ‘good’ parenting is forever changing, depending on which expert is doing the talking. This is because the very context in which parenting takes place (our cultures, society and the global community), is in a state of constant flux...

While it certainly is a blessing to live in an age where information is so readily available, there is a flip-side to this golden coin. The result can be a parent that is overwhelmed, tired, unsure and lacking confidence. Unfiltered and contradicting information can paralyse instead of galvanise.

However, one thing has not changed... That little person standing in front of you who is throwing a wobbly because he is not getting whatever it is he so desperately wants. Young children the world over are more alike than different, and they all share the same uncanny ability to push the limits with relentless stamina at times – as if they are programmed to ‘go, go, go!’.

Another unchanging fact is that all children experience frustration from time to time. It may be caused by all sorts of things – not getting their way, not being able to get their body to do what they want, not being able to reach the chandelier from which they so badly want to hang... This is one their jobs as children – to experiment with what is and what isn’t possible.

However, many parents today feel that they need to ‘protect’ their children from becoming frustrated, as if frustration in itself is a bad thing. They overlook the fact that frustration teaches children valuable lessons: how to be patient and to persevere. Being able to delay gratification is not inborn, it is a learned ability (and one that many adults can’t do too well either) – and it is an important factor in developing Emotional Intelligence (EQ).

Nowadays many well intended parents try to give in to their children’s every whim in an effort to protect them from feeling frustrated. In the process, these parents (mostly mothers) become tired, overwhelmed, and quite frankly grumpy...

Sadly, when parents are noticeably emotionally battered, their children run a very high risk of experiencing intense feelings of guilt. And a child who is riddled with guilt and shame is far worse off than a child who is given the opportunity to learn to deal with the natural frustrations of everyday life!

Every parent will undoubtedly feel unsure, tired and overwhelmed at times. The road which parents walk is long and winding… But the good news is, whatever your parenting style or philosophy, there are six tried and tested steps and thoughts that you can keep in mind to help ground yourself emotionally - to keep you just a tad further away from slipping into a ‘bad place’ when you’re facing daily challenges with your little one:

Make Friends with Frustration


1. Stop seeing your child’s frustration as ‘bad’... Remember patience, perseverance and the ability to delay gratification are not an inborn qualities, but learned skills (and “obedience” is not a four-letter word!).


2. Don’t feel guilty for being the ‘bad cop’ parent... If you’re worried that you’re the one who is always dishing out the discipline, don’t let the lure of being the ‘good cop’ push you off course. Children desperately need boundaries. Over the long haul they naturally gravitate towards adults who discipline and guide them in a nurturing, but firm way. It’s simply a part of their innate need to have structure in their lives.


3. Fight the urge to ‘give in’ so that your toddler leaves you in peace... There comes a point when parents are just too tired. So in an effort to maintain their sanity, they undermine months of hard work by giving in to their child just to get some peace and quiet. Sound familiar?

Make Friends with Yourself


4. Align your expectations with reality... Children are children after all. The sooner we all start talking about reality, the better. And toddlers specifically are little tornado's of energy with very little life experience... 


Accept this. Understand that things will not run smoothly (most of the time). Accepting that your toddler is just ‘being a toddler’. Because a child is prone to make mistakes does not mean that you condone undesirable behaviour. But, acceptance makes it possible to guide and discipline a child with love instead of with anger.


5. Set firm boundaries... Exactly what these boundaries are is up to you. Some of the rules in your home may seem trivial to others – but if they keep you sane and grounded, go ahead and do what you need to do in order to keep yourself and your emotions on an even keel. A tired, frustrated, ‘empty’ parent is no good for a growing child.


6. Nurture yourself as a caregiver and parent... In order to give abundantly of yourself to your children, you must have a resource from which to draw. You cannot draw from an empty tank. If this means taking 30 minutes a day to help you re-charge, or a whole afternoon once a week, then so be it.

The bottom line is that frustration is a natural and normal part of life – not only for adults, but for children too. The key is to adjust expectations without condoning undesirable behaviour. Then you will be able to make choices and interact with your child from a place of confidence. Put boundaries into place in order to protect yourself from burn-out and your child from guilt. To parent in a way that makes you unhappy will also make your child unhappy – without a doubt.

When you learn to balance the self-sacrifice that naturally goes along with being a loving parent, with making parenting choices that make you happy, you are well on your way to becoming a more emotionally grounded parent. And this will give your child a better shot at being happy too. Let’s put first things first.

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

How to teach Manners - the 123 and ABC

Image source: http://www.hatcheprints.com/

In our last post we discussed how important it is to guide your young child in developing good manners because it will affect his self-concept, create higher EQ and eventually culminate in more success later on life (if you missed the post, go here). However, we're still just human beings, and some clear directions come in handy from time to time!

So, this post is going to give you the '123 and ABC' of manners - what you can realistically expect, when and how!

Although we all know this as parents, it can't hurt to repeat it - children learn by example!  So, if you want to foster respect in your child, treat them and those in their world with respect. If you want your child to say 'please', use the term when you ask something of them. If you want your child to greet people warmly, then make sure you greet them and those in their world warmly as well. And the list goes on...

1 and 2 year olds
You can realistically add 'please' and 'thank you' to your child's vocabulary from when they are able to say a few words. Be consistent and after you're sure that your child knows the words well, prompt him to say them when requesting or receiving something.

Introducing your child to dinner-time around the table around the age of two is also great! Even if they've eaten already, give them a bowl of yogurt or fruit, so that they don't feel left out. Talk to your toddler during dinner to demonstrate the social side of family dinners and let him experiment with a spoon. There may be a bit of a mess, which is understandable, but don't allow him to make a mess for the sake of it. Remember to praise your child when you're done, for example, "What a good job you did eating with your spoon tonight buddy!"

Two-year-olds can also be taught to greet politely. You can start by practicing at home, with all his stuffed toys, creating a little 'pretend' visit where he says 'hello' and 'goodbye' to each toy. You can also prompt your little one when you're going to visit a friend by saying, "We're going to visit aunty Mary. When we get there we're going to say 'hello'". However, some little ones get 'stage fright' anyway when it comes to saying hello to real people, and in this instance you can say hello for your child, reinforcing the social principle.

Toddlers will rarely 'play nicely' without adult supervision, so be prepared to closely monitor play dates. Sometimes it helps to have a special 'play date toy box' with two of every toy, but if this is not possible and there is a single favourite toy that everyone wants a piece of, ensure that everyone gets a turn. In this way you can introduce your toddler to the word 'share'. Sometimes you may need to change the scenery by going outside or to another room. And don't forget to praise your toddler when he does share nicely.

3 and 4 year olds

It is important to remember that whatever rules you put in place need to apply both at home and while you're out. However, don't ever embarrass your child out in public, if he has done something that requires a talk, do so in a private place like a washroom. Also remember that if you threaten consequences, you need to be willing to follow through.

Your three-year-old can now learn to not interrupt. You can teach him to tap your leg or put his hand on your arm when he wants your attention while you're in mid-sentence. Simply putting your free hand on his will reassure him that you know he's there and that he's waiting his turn to talk to you. Unless he's in real distress, he can only benefit from learning to wait for 5 or 10 minutes.

Now is the age to build on the table-manners you started the previous year. Make a light-hearted game out of sitting still and straight up for up to 10 minutes or longer. You can expect him to use his napkin properly and eat with a spoon or fork correctly. In addition he should be drinking from a cup neatly and can learn to ask to be excused from the table. He is also old enough to help to lay and clear the table around dinner time.

Your child is also old enough now to follow some basic 'birthday party etiquette' - such as not going for the pile of gifts that are not for him. When it's his party, you can teach him to accept gifts graciously through role play - remember, children often learn better when a concept is demonstrated to them. Praising your child for his efforts is so important, and try not to sweat the small mistakes he might make.

Saying 'sorry' and accepting a 'sorry' is also important at this stage. As parents, we instinctively prompt our children to say 'sorry' when they've hurt someone or taken someone's toy, and just as we'd like them to say sorry, we also want them to learn to graciously accept an apology if they are on the receiving end of the 'offence'.

Most children won't be able to say 'sorry' and mean it until they're about 7-8 years old. So while your child is still far from reaching that milestone, you will need to help him understand why he needs to say 'sorry', otherwise the word will end up having an empty meaning for him. For example, you can say, "Johnny, see how sad Ben is that you took his toy? Please give his toy back and say 'sorry' to help Ben feel better."

Another way to teach 'sorry' is to do so yourself if you have been in the wrong with your child, if for instance you've lost your temper with him. If you - the 'invincible' parent - can apologise, then it becomes easier for your child to say 'sorry' too.

Around this age, young children can sometimes lash out and call people names like 'stupid'. If your child does this you can simply say, "We don't call people stupid, I will not have you talk like that," and remove your child from the situation, explaining that he can't be around his friends or family if he doesn't talk nicely.

By the age of four, most children can remember to use the words 'please' and 'thank you' appropriately. They can also remember to say 'excuse me' after burps, and greet people without being prompted. But again, don't feel as though you've failed if they forget every now and again - Rome was not built in a day after all!

5 and 6 year olds

Your child should now be able to sit around a dinner table with the rest of the family and guests in an appropriate way - sitting still, receiving food graciously, eating with utensils, chewing with his mouth closed etc. 

As always, role-play is always helpful as it builds self-confidence. So if you want to you can 'simulate' a restaurant dinner, light candles and put flowers on the table. Make sure to give your child a list of the manners you want to see around the table, and then reward him in some way for a job well done.

Dinner is a wonderful time to share and come together as a family. Practice asking each other questions about the day and sharing in a light-hearted way. Try to avoid making dinner-time a battle-zone by keeping lectures and comments about unfinished chores for other times of the day, away from the family dinner.

Manners, at this age, should be second nature for your child, as he behaves in a way that is acceptable to your family and your culture.

What is important to remember is that manners are taught - they do not just 'happen' to a child. When you give your child the gift of manners and the self-discipline that goes along with it, you are not only shaping the way in which they perceive themselves and the world, but equipping them with a higher EQ and the potential to be a truly successful citizen of the world.

Having said that (and again...), Rome was not built in a day. There is fine line between firmly and lovingly guiding your child, and becoming a dictator who dissects everything your child does. You know your child best, and you know when they're doing their level best - reward their efforts, tell them you're proud of them, and lead by loving example.

The key principle to remember when you're not sure if you're doing the right thing? "Teach your child that he or she is very important, but no more important than anyone else."

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

3 Reasons to start manners early

I vaguely remember a time before I joined the legion of parents out there, looking at other people's children and thinking smugly to myself... "I would never let my child get away with that..." or "I can't believe how badly behaved that child is, my child will never do that..."

Then... I had my own children! And now it's a whole new ball game. I can now understand just how difficult it is to shape my children's behaviour in a positive way, and just how much time and effort it really takes. It's not easy, by any stretch of the imagination, I am sure you will agree? But still, I hope and pray that my children will one day be abundantly blessed with that magic social gift call 'manners'.

So how is it done - how do I bestow upon my little charges the very important gift of manners? What can be expected at their various ages and stages of development? When do I start? How do I start?

These are all questions that I think most parents ask, because we're all secretly hoping that on the other side of the 'tantrum curtain' is the little angel that we know exists in there... somewhere...

Common Questions

Many parents wonder why they should teach their children 'respectful' behaviour before the age of 7-8, which is when they really only start to understand the concept of 'respect'.

For example, why force a two-year-old, who is at a very difficult stage socially, to say 'please' and 'thank you' when they don't understand the words? Is that not being unreasonable? Surely, children who grow up in an environment where other people are being considerate to them will eventually choose to turn into considerate human beings - when they are good and ready to do so?

It's a case of which came first, the chicken or the egg? In other words, does a child have to understand respect in order to behave respectfully?

Well, in our research we have found three important reasons to strive to teach our children to be as well-mannered as reasonably possible from early on - firstly, acting respectfully leads to being respectful; secondly, good manners help pave the way to a higher EQ; and thirdly, manners teaches self-control which leads to success.

Acting respectfully leads to being respectful

Parents who put manners on the back-burner until their child is old enough to develop his own convictions about the matter, usually find themselves in a rather precarious situation. The reality of the situation is that it becomes difficult for the parents and others in their child's life to act as if their child is a blessing and a joy to be around if he's running around like a self-centered mini-dictator... no matter how understanding they try to be.

The development of this child's self-concept is not put on the back-burner along with the manners - no matter how young he is, the way in which those around him react to him continually shapes the way in which he perceives himself and the world around him. If people are constantly irritated and annoyed in this child's company, he will come to view himself as 'irritating' and learn that the world is cold and unwelcoming to someone who is as 'unlikeable' as he is.

On the other hand, approving smiles, appreciative looks, and positive comments from parents and other people can have an almost miraculously positive impact on a child's developing self-concept. It therefore makes sense to teach a child to be pleasant and courteous to people, even if he doesn't really yet understand the concept underlying this behaviour.

Then, by the time a child is old enough to truly understand what respect means, he will have three good reasons to continue being respectful. 1) He has been treated with respect within his own family and social circle many times before and knows that it feels good. 2) He has treated others with respect many times before and knows it makes them feel good. 3) He is used to thinking of himself as a 'nice boy' and acting in a way that is contrary to this is unthinkable to him. Being 'respectful' is just a more grown-up way of looking at it!

Good manners help pave the way to a higher EQ

Just like a child can be born with an amazing aptitude of music or sport, which may never be realised due to lack of opportunities, a child can also be born with the potential to develop a high emotional intelligence (EQ) and never reach this potential due to lack of guidance.

One of the most important components of EQ is a person's ability to effectively 'read' what other people are feeling and respond accordingly. Since having good manners is in essence about being sensitive to the needs and feelings of other people, teaching manners is a wonderfully practical way to help your child develop his emotional intelligence.

For example, when your child wipes his mouth on the tablecloth, you can remind him to use his napkin and make sure to bring other people's feelings into the picture by adding, "The reason why we wipe our mouths on napkins is because we want to keep the table looking nice and clean for all the other people who are also eating."

Another example is when your child interrupts you while you're on the phone. You can say, "You're interrupting. It's Granny on the phone. Mommy loves Granny. I need to speak to her. You'll have to wait for a while." Then hold your child's hand if need be so that he knows that you know that he's waiting. Continue talking for a few minutes, unless your child is in physical distress or danger.

No child can develop exceptional social skills without learning somewhere along the line that his feelings and needs are very important, but no more important than the feelings and needs of the other people in his world.

Manners teaches self control which leads to success

Dr Walter Mischel, psychologist specialising in personality theory and social psychology at the University of Columbia, studied hundreds of four-year-olds. In his study, each child was left alone in a room with a one-way-mirror for 15-20 minutes with a marshmallow on a plate in front of them. Before leaving the room 'to run an errand', the doctor explained that the child was allowed to eat the marshmallow, but if they could wait for him to return, they would get two marshmallows to eat!

Only one-third of the children were able to wait for his return and the reward of an extra marshmallow.

Follow-up studies of the children who were able to wait revealed that when these children were old to enough to graduate from high school, they scored higher on achievement tests. They also dealt with stress better and were more popular with their peers.

Researchers now know that there is an area in the brain called the 'dorsal frontomedian cortex', which is situated just above the eyes. This area is responsible for a person's ability to exercise self-control. Interestingly - and importantly - although it is one of the last areas of the brain to mature, its wiring starts at a very young age.

The more your child uses this area in his brain, even when he's only a toddler, the more densely it is wired. In other words, the more your child gets the opportunity to practice his ability to exert self-control, the easier it becomes (this is where all grandparents spontaneously applaud)!

Luckily we are not suggesting boot camps for toddlers! Dr Daniel Goleman, hugely successful psychologist and author of Emotional Intelligence (which was on the New York best-sellers list for 18 months and has sold five million copies worldwide in 30 different languages), says that parents can help a child develop self-control by doing nothing more than being good parents.

Instead of leaving it up to the child to figure out for themselves how they should behave, parents should be present to direct and influence their child's behaviour. Dr Goleman describes that this can be achieved by consistently saying 'no' to your child when he does something undesirable, encourage him to try again when he is frustrated by a challenging task and remind him to mind his manners in various situations.

The reason why parents' reminders eventually become internalised is because they are literally wired into their child's brain over time. "Habits shape character and character determines destiny."

So, when you're frustrated and feeling as though your efforts are simply falling into a bottomless black pit (also known as the 'terrible twos')... remember, you are making a difference to your child's development which will set the course of his life. Just like a river starts with a small trickle of water and grows bigger and wider and stronger as it gets closer to the ocean, so too will your efforts eventually accumulate to create a 'tide of manners'.


Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Practica Parents: We specifically develop emotional intelligence with games from 0-7 years, but ALL the Practica games actually develop EQ! Why? Because EQ has to do with how well a person can read and react to his own and other people’s emotions and control his own attitude and behaviour, and every Practica activity is an ideal opportunity to model and teach these skills in the right way at every age. Now that is Parent Power!


If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za