How to lay the Foundation for Future Happiness in your Child

Image from www.infpblog.com

“How different our lives are when we really know what is deeply important to us, and keeping that picture in mind, we manage ourselves each day to be and to do what really matters most." ― Stephen R. Covey

As human beings we are all involved in creative processes whether we know it or not and, quite frankly, whether we like it or not.

When we get to create something from scratch by putting pieces together, like when building a house or recording a piece of music, we may choose to first build a two-room home, live there for a year or two, and then add more rooms.

Or a musician can record a song with guitar backing only, and add more instruments later on. In these instances one can take one’s time, learn as you go along and add a bit here and there when you feel like it. You can pretty much allow your level of effort be dictated by how much money and energy you have available at that point in time. No harm done.

Unfortunately, in many other instances, this approach doesn’t work. Some creative processes are more like baking a cake:  there are certain basic ingredients that simply have to be added; a certain balance needs to be maintained in the system or else the whole thing will, well … flop.

The baker has limited scope to add some of his own flair to the process. For the most part, he simply needs to respect the “big picture” of what it takes to bake a cake.

I can think of at least two creative processes that parents are responsible for that fall into the “recipe” category:

1. Building a child’s brain: If you’re visiting this blog and you’re not familiar with the Practica Program, it will probably serve you well to visit www.practicaprogram.co.za to find out more about this valuable system, which basically empowers parents by offering them a complete big picture and step-by-step guide for building young brains – complete with all the ingredients in correct measure and balance and how to add them year by year as time goes by.

AND

2. Laying the foundations for future happiness in a child: Similarly, laying the foundations for future happiness in a child is not a project that responds well to a touch-and-go, slapdash, or “we’ll-fix-it-when-we-get-to-it” approach.

So imagine my delight when I stumbled on a five sentence summary of what is described as the “basic factors making for happiness in the human mind”.

It felt as if bells where ringing in my head. Yay! The “big picture” of how we can radically raise our children’s changes of growing into happy adults!

What really caught my attention was that this strikingly complete “big picture” was (1) coming from the mouth of the famous psychologist, Carl Jung; (2) given to us when he was 85 years old, after all that he has experienced and when he was close to the end of his remarkable life and (3) shared during an interview with utmost confidence and clarity in response to a question to which a vague, off-the-cuff answer would probably also had sufficed. . . 

Here is the quote as I found it on the Happiness Project:

In 1960, journalist Gordon Young asked Jung, "What do you consider to be more or less basic factors making for happiness in the human mind?" Jung answered with five elements:

1) Good physical and mental health.

2) Good personal and intimate relationships, such as those of marriage, the family, and friendships.

3) The faculty for perceiving beauty in art and nature.

4) Reasonable standards of living and satisfactory work.

5) A philosophic or religious point of view capable of coping successfully with the vicissitudes of life.

Here’s what I advise you to do to make this knowledge work for you:
 

Sit down and think through each of these factors. What choices are you making (both deliberately and unintentionally) in your own life to either sabotage or invest in each of these five happiness factors?  Giving attention to whether or not we as parents are relatively happy in ourselves is like keeping the kitchen clean in which our child’s “happiness cake” is taking shape.

Now think about how your child is doing with regards to each of Carl Jung’s happiness factors? Here are a few examples of questions that you may want to ask yourself:

1.    Are you making it easy for your child to adopt healthy eating habits? Are you setting an example by exercising regularly? With regards to mental health, are you teaching your child to take responsibility for his or her own emotions?  

2.    What are you (intentionally or unintentionally) teaching your child about relationships? Have you practically taught him how to hold a conversation as yet? Make friends? Maintain ties with family? Or does he constantly hear you criticize friends and family when they’re not around? The list can go on and on ….
 

3.    How are you fostering an appreciation of beauty in art and nature in your child? Do you expose him or her to various kinds of music, art and cultural styles? Are you taking your child on trips to the country and encouraging him to spend time in nature? 
 

4.    Are you investing in developing your child’s brain tools and his future learning abilities? Are doing what is necessary to develop his talents and take care of “weaknesses” while he is still young and his brain is still developing? (Three hoorahs for the Practica Program!) 

5.    Are you letting your child into your spiritual world? What are you teaching your child about faith as he watches you live your life? How much input does he receive in this regards compared to, say, the amount of time that he spends in front of the television on a weekly basis?

All parents face situations every now and then on their parenting journey that call for them to make decisions that are bound to impact their children’s lives to a large degree. Examples of this include when we choose a caregiver for our baby or toddler, decide on a school for our older kids and when we have to exclude certain extra-curricular activities to make a child’s weekly schedule more child-friendly.

I believe that Carl Jung’s happiness factors can be used as a wonderfully practical tool to help parents make decisions that are truly in their child’s best interest. Oh, how I love it when things come together with real meaning!

Written by Lizette van Huyssteen

When we know better... we do better

Inspiring Quote

"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye."

Another favourite from Antoine de Saint-Exupéry:

When we know better... we do better

Love, Respect and Confidence

Professionals who do school readiness tests often comment on the quiet and unshakable confidence that our Practica children have when they are faced with the typical challenges that unnerve other children of the same age. This is remarkable, especially since there are so many other really talented children who are lacking in confidence. In fact, many clever children become afraid of failure over time and as a result they tend to avoid challenges instead of “laughing in the face of danger”.  

The good news is that the Practica Program provides parents with thousands of little learning opportunities that are so easily interwoven into a daily routine, allowing parents and children to play together more often than they would otherwise have done. One activity leads to the next, and the activities become progressively more challenging. This teaches Practica children that trying, failing and trying again is part of learning and getting ahead. Being confident has a lot more to do with failing and learning to be patient with yourself than most parents think. 

I guess this is why I just loved the following quote when a good friend shared it with me last week. I searched, but although she said she had read it online, I cannot find the original source. It reads as follows:

Patience with family is LOVE

Patience with others is RESPECT

Patience with yourself is CONFIDENCE.

The more I think about these words, the more I am impacted by how true they are. As I think back over the time that I had with my children when they were little, I realize that it was definitely during the times when I expected too much of myself that I was also most impatient and my confidence levels reached an all-time low.

What makes me sad is that those were also often the times when I was most impatient with my children, and it was the most difficult time for me to let them feel my love for them. Also, as I count back the years and link different incidences and experiences, I realize that it was during those exact times that my husband didn't feel loved and respected.

I don't know if this is true for everyone, but in my case, the biggest lesson that I learn from these wise words is that expecting too much from myself won't impress the people that I love. It doesn't make them love me more or somehow make me more "worthy" of their respect. It simply deprives them of the love and respect that I would otherwise be able to give to them.  

Written by Lizette van Huyssteen

When we know better... we do better

Spending Time with Children

“Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly." G.K.Chesterton

Spending time with children is in many ways like eating carrots. While some people naturally love it, other people will consciously have to work at getting used to it - especially if one hasn't done it for a while. However, whether it comes naturally or not, doing it is exceptionally good for you.

There are so many different micronutrients in vegetables that it is difficult for scientists to identify them all, let alone reproduce them in pill form. Similarly, people who regularly spend quality time with children benefit from these experiences in countless ways.

One of the benefits of children is that they are able to live in the moment, laugh easily and be playful without feeling silly. As we grow into adulthood many of us lose the ability to laugh, to have a sense of humour, and ‘to take ourselves lightly’. People, who allow themselves to connect with children on their level and get into their world, find it much easier to reconnect with their own ‘inner child’.

The good news is that our bodies naturally release ‘feel-good hormones’ called endorphins into our systems when we laugh out loud. So laughing with children allows you to tap into a powerful resource that is known to relieve physical tension and stress, boost the immune system and protect the heart, both physically and figuratively.

In fact, Norman Cousins tells in his book Anatomy of an Illness, how he was cured of a potentially fatal illness by watching comedy movies. He literally used laughter as therapy. Children laugh so freely and easily that being around them can be described as being in a “therapy zone”.

We can learn a great deal from extensive studies done by the World Health Organization into the lifestyles of communities that are well-known for their longevity, such as the Italian community of Campodimele, the Hunza of Pakistan, and the Okinawans who live on islands near Japan.

What do these communities have in common that cause them to enjoy a life expectancy 20-30 years higher than the rest of us?

Not surprisingly, they eat sparingly of a largely plant-based diet and their daily exercise incorporates physical activity such as gardening and walking. But most interestingly, another similar pattern that was found in all of these very special communities is that they typically live in close family units of five generations living under one roof. As a result, adults get to interact with little children often and for most of their lives.

They live simply and slowly as they provide their children with healthy boundaries and enough emotional stability and security that will sustain them throughout their lives. According to the researchers they typically live out their lives “singing, eating joyfully and living in peace with themselves and with the environment”.

To many of us this sounds like an impossible dream. But is it really? Even though many facets of our world are far removed from this picture, there is at least one wonderful component that we have in common with these privileged communities: our children start off just as innocent and playful as theirs and they have just as much to offer us. The only difference is how we guide them and how we allow them to impact our lives.

The lesson to take from this is that in life, truly, less is more. If we haven’t learnt this from other sources, let’s allow our children to teach us the practicals.

Regardless of your religious views, I believe the following words written by G.K. Chesterton, from his famous book Orthodoxy, apply to all of us:

"Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, "Do it again"; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, "Do it again" to the sun; and every evening, "Do it again" to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we." 

Written by Lizette van Huyssteen
When we know better... we do better

Inspiring Quote

"What you cannot enforce, do not command." Sophocles

When we know better... we do better

Safety around Strangers

Image from Hoodwinked

As parents we teach our children all kind of things in a sincere attempt to keep them out of harm’s way. There is no doubt that “no going anywhere with strangers” and “no treats from strangers” are important rules that should be taught from early on, but think twice before teaching your little one that he or she should not TALK to strangers …

“Teaching your child not to talk to strangers is an illogical rule and even potentially dangerous”, says safety expert Gavin de Becker in his book Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane). He argues that children who have been taught that it’s wrong and unsafe to talk to strangers can be confused by their parents’ periodic insistence that they should say “hi” to people they don’t know.

And if these children get lost, how will they be able to seek help if they don’t talk to strangers? Should we not rather teach our children to make wise choices about whom to talk to and what they’re going to say in a situation where they’re lost, alone or in danger? Are they not at their most vulnerable when their only plan of action in a crisis situation is to stand around crying until some random person approaches them to ask if they need help?

Gavin advises parents to encourage little ones to practise talking to strangers in a safe environment. He suggests little exercises like sending them to an adult to ask for the time, or asking a store assistant where to find a certain item in a store.

Children should also be made familiar with how to find a suitable adult to turn to in times of crisis. He advises that we teach them to approach a woman - preferably a mommy with children - as women are statistically safer than men and more likely to commit to helping children until they are safe. (When my girls were little their instructions were to go to the nearest cashier sitting behind a till in a store and ask the lady to please call mommy.)

Older children should be helped to develop an awareness of other people’s behaviour rather than whether a person is a “stranger” or not. “The issue isn’t strangers, it is strangeness”, says Gavin de Becker. And what he says certainly makes sense since it is common knowledge that a child is statistically far more likely to be harmed or abused by somebody that is well known to him or her, than by a complete stranger.

He goes on to say, “It is inappropriate behavior that’s relevant: a stare held too long, a smile that curls too slowly, a narrowing or widening of the eyes, a rapid looking away. The muscles in the face are instruments of communication, resulting in an eloquent language that can put us at ease or give us the creeps.”

To learn more, have a look at Gavin's online articles:

Teach Your Kids How to Talk to Strangers.

How do I change what I’ve taught my Youngster about Strangers?

Written by Lizette van Huyssteen
When we know better... we do better

Top Tips for Good Behaviour

Why is it that some people bring out the best in children? What is so different about them that little ones seem to geniunely WANT to please them and enthusiastically do what they say? Inborn temperament certainly plays a role. Consistency and self-confidence also makes a difference. Yet, the crucial factor is that these special people have learned to think about and talk to children in a special way. Luckily, these ways of thinking and talking can easily be copied. Here are two of the most common "tricks of the trade" that social workers typically advise parents to adopt:  

1. Take a few seconds to set the scene: Before giving an instruction, let your child know that you have special expectations of the outcome of the interaction that the two of you are about to have. This radically increases the odds that he will spring into action after you’ve said your say.

Practically Speaking: Before flinging words into thin air, look directly at your child. Say his name to get him to focus his attention on you and what you have to say. Make eye contact. When speaking to a toddler, go down on your haunches if at all possible and look him straight in the eye. Lower your tone of voice and speak clearly and calmly as if making an important announcement.

Note: Use a firm voice, but do not shout. If shouting tells your little one that you really mean it, you're training him to brush you off untill you raise your voice. 

2. Describe an appropriate substitute. Instead of hammering on about what your child SHOULD NOT be doing, let him know what he SHOULD do. To a young child, and many older ones, the phrase “Don’t be naughty!” simply calls up the image of him sitting still like a porcelain doll. So even if he does his utmost to please you, he will most likely succeed for no more than a few minutes before losing concentration and giving in to his natural urge to  be actively doing something else!

Can you suggest that he goes outside to play in the garden? Can he possibly help you with what you’re doing? What about drawing a picture or dancing to the beat of whatever is playing on the radio? By offering an attractive alternative to your child’s current undesirable behaviour, it's three times more likely that he will do as you say.   

Practically Speaking: Concentrate on starting your sentences with “please” whilst staying clear of using the word “don’t”. Try saying, “Please use your walking feet and help me pack the groceries into the trolley” instead of, “Don’t run around in the shop!” Similarly, when your child is misbehaving in a restaurant, open a notebook on the table and hand him a pen whilst saying, “Please help me to draw a picture of the salad that we've ordered” instead of saying, "Don’t stand on the chair”.

Note: Naturally there will be situations when you will need to say "Stop!" or "Don't stick your finger in the plug!", but your child will react quicker to these important instructions if you don't bombard him with "don't-messages" all day long.

When we know better... we do better
Written by Lizette van Huyssteen