Six weeks to a happier home

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Let's face it, as parents we spend most of our time directing our children's behaviour and sometimes it can feel as though all we ever say is 'no', 'don't' and 'stop'. While it is important to guide our children, there is a way to do it that is more positive for both you and your child.

Here's a six-week plan to a happier home - we hope it helps to make a difference!

Week 1: Don’t be surprised when your child acts like a child
Even the sweetest child will repeat just about every bad behaviour at least a few times before he eventually learns from the negative responses that he gets, telling him that certain behaviours are to be avoided.

    You’ll do your child an enormous favour if you accept that it is natural for a young child to experiment with various behaviours, both good and bad.

    Practise for a week to stay calm when your child does something ‘bad’ and do not give in to your emotions. In fact, try to establish why you feel emotional in the first place. Is it not normal for a 3-year old to act like a typical 3-year old?

    Instead of getting upset, or ignoring your child’s bad behaviour to the point where you explode in a fit of rage, rather act quickly and decisively when he does something that is unacceptable. Discipline him as if his offence, as well as your reaction to it, is perfectly normal and within your ability to handle.

    Then go on with life with the firm belief that he is a sweet and good little person who just needs a little nudge in the right direction every now and then.

    Refuse to label your child as ‘bad’ and don’t see anything he does as a personal insult. He will soon discover, and learn to believe, that he is a good person as he learns to see himself through your eyes.

Week 2: Ask for consideration instead of judging
Practise for a week to tell your child how you feel and what you need, instead of telling him he's wrong.

    Say: “I don’t like it when the house is a mess. I need you to help me pick up the toys.” Instead of: “I can’t believe the mess you’ve made! You’re such a slob!”

    Say: “This is my favourite CD and it makes me happy to listen to it. I need you to go and play outside if you’re going to continue being noisy.” Instead of: “Get out or shut up!”

Week 3: Put his feelings into words
Practise for a week to put your child’s feelings into words.

    Say: “You are sad because your toy broke.” / “You are angry because I won’t let you go outside to play.” / “You’re excited about going to the beach and it’s difficult for you to wait.”

    When needed, explain what you expect.

    “You are sad because your toy broke, but sometimes toys do break.”

    “You are angry because I won’t let you go outside to play, but it is time to go to bed now.”

    “You’re excited about going to the beach and it’s difficult for you wait, but you need to help me to get everything ready before we can go.”

    Hearing you put his feelings into words over and over again in various situations lets your child know that you understand him. As a result, he will feel less frustrated when you set boundaries and he will find it easier to deal with his emotions.

Week 4: Talk about what to do, instead of what not to do
Practise for a week to put requests in a positive way, so that your child knows exactly how to stay within the boundaries.

    Say: “You need to walk while we’re in the shop.”
    Instead of: “Don’t run in the shop!”

    Say: “Look with your eyes, not with your hands.”
    Instead of: “Don’t touch!”

    Say: “Pet the cat like this.”
    Instead of: “Don’t hurt the cat!”

Week 5: Express confidence in your child
Practise for a week to build your child’s feelings of self-worth by telling him that you believe in his ability.

    Say: “I know you can do this.”

    Say: “I’m so proud of you for doing what I tell you to.”

Week 6: Avoid trying to use guilt as a tool
No happy and successful man has ever stood in front of an audience with the words: “I want to thank my mother for making me feel guilty most of the time. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without those feelings.”

    Many parents doubt their own ability to set boundaries and to discipline their children appropriately. So they resort to using guilt as a tool. They don’t allow themselves to relax or to be happy when they are around their children, because they are afraid of being caught off guard. Instead, they act like frustrated martyrs, in an attempt to evoke sympathy from their children and blackmail them into being ‘good’.

    It takes courage to be happy and enjoy life. Practise for a week to relax and enjoy your children while they’re within the boundaries. When they overstep the boundaries, deal with it as quickly as possible - without laying a guilt trip on them. Then resume where you left off. Soon, being happy will become your default state of mind!

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better

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How to discipline your child - part 2



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 You’ve heard it before – every single piece of literature on discipline contains the word ‘consistency’. Yet it is something that is surprisingly difficult to achieve ... and many people wonder how important it is anyway?

The answer is that consistency is more important than most parents realize. In fact, if you cannot provide it in your discipline routine, research suggests you should rather discard discipline altogether. Why? Because a lack of consistency doesn't only confuse your child - it actually reinforces bad behaviour!

Imagine for a moment your favourite pastime – it could be playing Bingo, golf, fishing, gambling, scrap booking, video games or checking your Facebook page. Research suggests that these popular pastimes can turn into 'addictions' due to what is called the 'partial reinforcement effect'. In laymen’s terms, it refers to the fact that these activities reward those who engage in them in random, unpredictable ways, and so they become very addictive. You keep going back for more because you are never guaranteed the same outcome. It's exciting in a frustrating way, and these experiences actually condition you to want more and more.

Now, apply the same principles to your child. When you react in random, unpredictable ways when your child does things that are unacceptable, it's only natural that he or she is will also over time become ‘addicted’ to the game of ‘what will mommy or daddy do this time?’.

To top it all off, children have such a profound need for consistency in their lives that they, without fail, respond to unpredictable parenting by becoming deeply insecure and fearful. They are then driven to act like little tyrants as they almost feverishly repeat the same behaviour in an untiring effort to 'crack the hidden code' of the household they live in. Their innate sense of surival compels them to experiment over and over again as they try to find some kind of pattern or sense of predictability in their parents' reactions.

This potent mix of survival instinct, fear and excitement is what makes people addicted to extreme sports like sky-diving, base-jumping, swimming with sharks etc. If this mix creates a drive in people that is so strong that it motivates adults to risk their very lives - imagine how easily a child is swept away by it.  

HOW TO DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILD

Pearl of Wisdom #2:

Discipline is about consistency – the key to forming associations

When parents consistently reinforce good behaviour with positive responses and link negative behaviour with negative outcomes, their children eventually learn to associate various ways of acting with 'good' or 'bad' consequences. As a result, they really DO crack the 'hidden code' of the household that they live in. Knowing that they can largely predict their parents' reactions in most situations leaves children confident and secure. Consistency leads to associations, which leads to security.

Plain. And. Simple.

What does this mean practically?

• Consistency requires the same reaction to the same behaviour every single time. In other words – if you’ve decided that hitting requires a warning followed by a time-out and persistent nagging requires that play time comes to an end, don't switch that up the next day.

 • Consistency requires that you choose ways of disciplining your child that you can apply once or one-hundred times a day without getting so tired and emotionally drained that you end up losing self-control or throwing in the towel. In fact, repetition is the cornerstone of training - so we can just as well make peace with it.

 • Consistency means that you start off the way you’d like to continue. In other words – don't let your children get away with certain behaviours when they’re younger, and then expect them to understand why they can’t do it later on.

• Consistency is a team-effort. Ideally, all the key persons in your child's life should be pretty much on the same page regarding which discipline-action is taken when specific boundaries are overstepped, as well as which positive behaviours should be rewarded and how. 
 

The important thing to remember when it comes to consistency is that without it, your discipline routine simply will not work as expected. In fact, it will most likely do more harm than good. Because of this, it is better to have a few rules, that you are capable of consistently following-through on, rather than many rules that you cannot be consistent about.

We cannot have a post about consistency without also reminding you about the power of consistently rewarding positive behaviour – a pat on the back, an approving look and a bit of real and honest validation from you are the most powerful incentives for your child to repeat desirable actions.

So, it is best to count the cost with regards to your discipline routine with your child. The importance of being able to offer consistency will mean that at least in the beginning, until your child starts to form negative or positive associations with their actions, a massive amount of energy will be required on your part. Ask yourself… are you up to it? If not, rather prepare yourself sufficiently and then begin, when you have the courage of your convictions behind you.

Words: Loren Stow

when we know better... we do better

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