Television - The Great Thief

Image source: http://www.mamaroo.com/

I have been rather afraid of writing this post, because it is without a doubt going to be rather difficult for many parents to swallow. The important thing, however, is to tell the truth (no matter how ugly), because our philosophy at Practically Speaking is that "when we know better, we do better". So, stick with the post, to the very end, because this is an important truth.

We're talking about television - the advent of which has changed the world (and our families) as we know it. Almost every family has one at the center of their living room, throwing out colourful images and noise, day in and day out. I don't think there are many people in the modern world who do not have television-time as part of their everyday lives.

Television entertains, informs, shares and broadens our horizons - it certainly plays a critical role... for adults. It also mesmerises our children, and I am not above admitting that it's my "babysitter" when I need to get dinner ready in the evenings. I had even bought a whole stash of 'baby-appropriate' dvds that suggest my baby will become a 'genius' or 'einstein' through watching them.

Never before in parenting history has there been entire product ranges (and channels) available to make television-watching more 'appropriate' for children, as young as three months old. Surely, if I am letting my baby watch a dvd that was specifically designed for him, it's ok? Surely, television is as beneficial for our children as it is for us?

The simple and honest answer is "No". Television is not good for babies or young children at all. It doesn't matter what's on, even if it's a special dvd you spent your hard-earned money on. A whole series of scientific research projects confirms this for us. Sorry folks, that's the ugly truth.

What do the scientists say?

The University of Washington studied more than 1000 families and reported that for every hour that infants of 8 - 16 months watched dvds such as "Baby Einstein" and "Brainy Baby", they understood 6-8 fewer words than other babies who were not exposed to such dvds (Associations between Media Viewing and Language Development in Children under Age 2 years - The Journal of Pediatrics, V151, Issue 4, Pgs 364-368). Interestingly, Disney, who own Baby Einstein, is now offering refunds to disgruntled US parents.

A study from Seattle examined more than 2500 children younger than 36 months, and found that for every hour of television watched daily, the risk of attention problems at age seven increased nearly 10 percent. They were more likely to be confused, impulsive, restless or obsessive about things in their lives - the problems were similar to symptoms of ADHD. (Attention-Deficit Risk Linked to Young Kids' TV Time, Seattle Times, 5 April 2004)

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no TV before the age of two years and that children over two years be limited to one to two hours per day of educational material on TV. (Eh-Oh! Pediatricians Ban TV for Toddlers, David Burke www.whitedot.org)

In August 2009, France's broadcasting authority banned the airing of TV shows aimed at children under three, after French psychologists found that: "Television viewing hurts the development of children under three years old and poses a certain number of risks, encouraging passivity, slow language acquisition, over-excitedness, troubles with sleep and concentration, as well as dependence on screens."  (France Pulls Plug on TV Shows Aimed at Babies, CBC News, Wed Aug 20 2008)

Why does television have such a negative effect on children during the early years?

As adults, we can watch something on television and give it meaning - this is primarily because our brains are already wired. We have real life experiences behind us, we understand language and we have a frame of reference to draw from.

Young children, however, are especially vulnerable to the negative effects of television because a young child's brain is being wired at a rate of half a million brain cell connections per second...(The Baby Brain-Drain, The Times, 1 Nov 2007, Dr Miriam Stoppard). The experiences that your child is having is literally shaping his brain, and the more often he uses certain pathways, the more 'hardwired' those neural pathways become.

Young children simply stare at the rapidly changing scenes and take in the noises without any understanding whatsoever. We know this for a fact because scientists using Positron Imaging Technology can see inside a young child's brain when they're watching television. They have discovered that only the visual and listening areas of the child's brain is stimulated, while the areas of the brain used for communicating, learning, thinking, memorising, expressing personality and fine tuning social behaviour remain inactive and completely un-stimulated during television-time.

In stark contrast, when a parent reads to a child and plays various games with him, his brain lights up like a Christmas tree as links are rapidly formed between all the regions of the brain. For example, when you show your child a picture of a dog and explain how the dog jumps and barks, he has to use various parts of his brain to form a mental picture of this through his imagination - when he watches television, the work of understanding and imagining is literally stolen away from his young developing brain, and along with that, the brain development that could've taken place is also snatched away. This arguably makes television one of the greatest and most silent thieves in the modern child's world.

Reading and interacting with your child gives him language (scientific research proves that spoken language on TV is just 'white noise' for your child, without any meaning). In addition, when you're interacting with your child you can read his emotions and respond appropriately, giving a little more attention to an area he doesn't quite understand or laughing at the parts that he finds amusing (television cannot do this).

As adults, we often use television as a relaxation tool, 'spacing out' in front of our television sets after a stressful or busy day, and many adults find that it helps them to fall asleep. For young children, the rapidly changing scenes and noise is so mesmerising, it can actually be equated to 'baby crack cocaine'.

Watching television literally rewires a child's brain during the early years - the result is a child whose brain is so used to side-stepping the language and thinking areas that it becomes the default setting of that child's brain to react to information without understanding - not only when they're watching television, but in the real world as well.

The result is child who literally looks without 'seeing' and hears without 'listening'.

OK - so what if your child has already been exposed to large amounts of television?

As quoted by a writer for The Times, Dr Martin Ward-Platt believes, "of course, the thing that really makes a difference for a baby is interaction with a caregiver and there is nothing we can invent as a people substitute. But if a child watches some TV and is exposed to people for the rest of the time, they will do fine. What we don't know is where the limit is, where you start to hold children back."

In real life, if you have a strong immune system, your body can fight off small viral attacks, and if you exercise everyday you can indulge in that piece of chocolate cake without fear of putting on too much weight. Similarly, if your baby receives large amounts of loving one-on-one interaction and stimulation from the important people in her life, her brain will be more densely wired and therefore will be more resilient to the impact of short periods of television watching.

As a parent I didn't understand the effects of television on my young baby, and knowing what I know now, I will make wiser choices. If you enjoy some 'me-time' or a cup of coffee while your young child is watching television in the morning or evening, it is not the end of the world. As long as you don't for one second believe it is actually good for them in any way. Keep in mind that you need to ensure a healthy balance by giving your young child as much individual attention as possible, whenever you can. We literally have to counter-act the negative effects of television-viewing with the positive effects of large amounts of one-on-one interaction.

In our next post, we will give you tips on how to make wise television choices for your toddler (three years and older), so stay tuned!

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments or Questions? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

*Practica Parents: It is quite interesting to discover that your child has different regions in the brain which control various skills and the more we exercise these skills, the more we are building highways between the various regions of brain - assisting them to 'talk' to each more effectively. You'll note that in the 2-6 year section of the Practica Parents Guide, each activity is followed by a list of the various areas in the brain that are involved - because effective 'communication' between these areas is key to overall brain coherence.

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

6 Instant Relationship Boosters

Photography: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

In our last post we discussed the importance of consciously developing your child's self-esteem (if you missed it, go here) and in light of the rather 'heavy' responsibility it can be to do this, we wanted to share some quick and easy ideas on how you can instantly make your child feel as though they are the most important person in your world.

1. When your child enters a room, look genuinely happy to see him.
We're repeating this point again (we mentioned in our last post) for very good reason - because it works! Make sure your eyes light up and you give your child a warm and welcoming smile... they will feel as though they really make your day!

In the same vein, when you see your child for the first time after a long separation (after school or a day at work), take five minutes to be with them immediately - Forget about putting the groceries in the fridge or your bag in your room, just drop everything and engage with them for five minutes.

2. Touch your child for an uninterrupted period of five minutes every day.
When she is relaxed, let her lie with her head on your lap. Play with her hair, use your fingers to 'draw pictures' on her back, rub her hands, massage her feet... Use deep pressure touch, squeezing and releasing her arms from her shoulders to her wrists, moving slowly and rhythmically. Do the same with her legs from her hips to her ankles.

Touch is the single most effective way to communicate love to a young child - we call this 'touch therapy' for obvious reasons, and if you missed our post of the benefits of deep pressure touch, go here.

3. Say no negative word about your child to any person when you are within earshot of your child.
Even toddlers, who can not understand every word said, can sense when a parent is talking about them and whether the tone is positive or negative. So, when your friend asks how your son is adapting to your new baby, simply smile and wink at your friend, saying "Oh yes! That! Remind me at some other time to bring up that very interesting topic!" - then change the subject.

4. Often whisper something in your child's ear as if you're sharing a little secret with them.
It doesn't have to be a real secret, but simply whispering to your child makes her feel like the two of you share something important. For example, you could say, "Guess what? When we get home we're going to play in the garden!", or "Guess what? After our game, we're going to go and make something to drink!" Your little one will be thrilled to be 'in' on something exciting...

5. Treat everyone with respect, including your child.
When your child interrupts a conversation, calmly ask the other person to give you a second and go down to your child's level. Firmly but lovingly tell him, "Mommy is phone with daddy (or whoever) right now. I'll hold your hand until I'm ready to let you speak. Then we can talk."

Hold your child's hand while continuing the conversation for about 20 seconds, then excuse yourself for a minute or so to listen to your child before resuming the conversation again.

6. Draw the picture and then colour it in.
In other words, provide structure by sticking to a routine and disciplining your child, but also allow her to inspire you to live in the moment as only a child can (if you missed our post on living in the moment, go here).

It's better to opt for doing less in full colour, than doing more in black and white. If you live your life at a comfortable pace, you will find it easier to say, "I love you THIS much! I am so glad that you were born and that you're part of my life."

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comment? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

*Practica Parents: The Practica Program offers thousands of age-appropriate activities which practically means that a child who has grown up with this program has had thousands of opportunities to achieve success - what a great way to build self-confidence in a child.

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Creating Happy and Whole Little People

Photography: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

As a child, my mother used to explain self-esteem to me as such - we are all like trees. Some of us are Pine Trees; straight, organised and neat. While others are like Thorn Trees; a bit rugged, uneven and disorganised. While both trees are so different, they each have their own unique beauty and attraction. And while they both offer different gifts, one gift is no more important than another.

I think that as adults, parents having been out in 'this world' for long enough to have been bumped and bruised and left with little (or sometimes big) marks on our self-esteem. As adults it's natural to no longer feel we are capable of anything and that the world will rise up to meet us... But we also instinctively know that our children need to start off with a certain level of naivety that will be tempered by experiences in their own time. Our role is to equip them with a dream and life will do the pruning.

In order to discuss the topic of self-esteem, it's important (as always) to start at the beginning...

Babies are born without the knowledge that they exist as separate human beings. They view themselves as being part of their parents - an extension, so to speak. It is only at around nine months that a baby starts to realise that she exists in a body that is separate to those of other people.

You will know that your baby has made this discovery when something interesting happens and he looks at your face to see your reaction. This is called "joint attention".

Developing gradually, from that first moment of joint attention, your child's  ability to form an own opinion blossoms at about 18 months when "No!" becomes a passionate response. By then she has a clear understanding that her will is her own and she doesn't have to eat that butternut if she doesn't want to... This is a major discovery for her, and it's understandable that she is intrigued by this knowledge.

You can see your child's concept of self develop practically by doing the 'mirror test': Put a mark on your child's forehead and stand him in front of the mirror. If he's under 18 months old, he is likely to try to wipe the mark off the mirror, while an older child will realise that he is looking at his reflection and wipe the mark off his own face.



Interestingly, at 2 years old, your child's concept of himself reaches a point where he starts referring to himself as 'I' instead of using his name (as if he was talking in the third-person).

Then, six months later, at about two-and-a-half years old, your child will reach another exciting milestone in this regard when she will now be able to name herself in a photograph.

These are all steps in the process of your child understanding that she is person in her own right. It doesn't happen overnight, rather it is a process over months and years.

Just like a child's concept of her physical body develops over time, so too does her concept of her core emotional self.

In terms of self-esteem, your 18-month-old child will not notice if you tell her that she's a failure, while a two-year-old will most likely become upset and then bounce back rather quickly. However, if you consistently tell your three-year-old that she's bad and wrong, this is sure to scar the concept that she has of her core emotional self. In other words, she will learn to see herself as being a person who is "bad" and "wrong".

According to a book written by Dr John Pearce called Growth and Development, by the age of five, your child has come to understand what he's like as a person. Is he clever or not so clever? Is he good-looking or not so attractive? Is he successful or mostly a failure? Is he likable or disliked? Is he generous or selfish? And the list goes on...

Dr Nathaniel Brandan, a specialist in self-esteem, defines it as, "...the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness."

According to the Child Development Institute, a child or teenager with healthy self-esteem will be able to:

• Act independently
• Assume responsibility
• Take pride in his or her accomplishments
• Tolerate Frustration
• Attempt new tasks and challenges
• Handle positive and negative emotions in himself and others
• Offer assistance to others

Conversely, a child or teenager with unhealthy self-esteem will:

• Avoid trying new things
• Feel unloved and unwanted
• Blame others for his or her shortcomings
• Feel, or pretend to feel, emotionally indifferent
• Be unable to tolerate normal levels of frustration
• Put down his or her own talents and abilities
• Be easily influenced

Maya Angelo (acclaimed American writer and poet) so eloquently explained what she believes a parent's role should be - when your child walks into a room and you look them up and down, noting their mismatched socks, untied shoes, unruly hair and dirty finger nails... they feel judged. What a child wants and deserves more than anything in the world is for your eyes to light up as they enter a room - as though they have just brought the sunlight with them. This is so heart-warming, and it sat on my heart like a butterfly about to take flight, motivating me to find out more about how I could grow my child's self-esteem in a practical way.

The answer, I have found, is about self-denial...

Practically speaking, parenting can be such a stressful job that its very easy to forget the big picture. We sometimes get bogged down by focusing on short-term solutions that do not have long-term benefits. For example, lashing out at a child when he disappoints us, screaming a child when we want to get something done quickly, doing things for our child instead of giving him the time he needs to practice to do things for himself...

These things seem to work in the short-term but building self-confidence is a long-term process that takes short-term sacrifices. The investment we make when we're tired but still make the effort to let our face light up when our child enters the room, biting our tongue when our child is trying to tie his own shoe-laces for the 50th time, answering the same questions over and over again with a happy tone of voice and a smile on our face, and hiding our disappointment when we find out our child has used his brother as a chew-toy once again...

Because our children's actions touch us so deeply, this is probably the highest level of self-sacrifice... But we instinctively deny ourselves for their sake. And our message to you today is 'keep it up - it is worth it!'.

It remains a fact that our children see themselves mirrored in our eyes, and our choices today will directly affect their image of themselves for the rest of their lives. We make certain sacrifices in these formative years so that they can enter the world as happy and whole people.

Words: Loren Stow

when we know better... we do better

Comments? please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

*Practica Parents: Anything that helps in lessening the responsibility of parenting is a blessing. With the Practica Program at hand, you are able to let go of the worry of doing the right thing at the right time to stimulate your child's development, so that you can devote more energy and time into your relationship. The key however is to read your guide and plan in advance so that you can weave it into your daily life.

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

The "Dad-Manual"

Photography: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

Dads are so important in their children's lives - from day one (if you missed the post on why dads are so important, go here). However, many dads don't know what is expected of them, or how to be their best. Don't worry! All parents - moms and dads alike - struggle to find their place and feel comfortable. It is process that gets easier over time.

In the meantime, we've sourced some tips from Steve and Shaaron Biddulph's book called "Raising a happy child in the precious years from birth to six":

Make Time
In today's society, this is a big one. Many fathers work long hours in order to provide for their families, but they do need to make the time to be with their children, everyday if possible.
Try to negotiate flexi-time with your employer, or go into work late two mornings a week. Perhaps you can get home early and work later, after the kids are bed?
Whatever your approach, make sure that your time spent with your children is packed with opportunity - so switch off that TV and take it outside - give your children 100% when you are around.

Start Early
Get involved in your baby's care - early bonding between father and baby has a huge impact later down the line. So, change those nappies, give them a bath, get involved in feeding and dressing. Be as involved as possible from the very first days.

Be Warmer
Give lots of hugs, kisses and cuddles. Read to your children, or sing them songs. If you weren't given much affection as a child by your father - now is the time to learn how special this can be.

Lighten Up
See your time with your children as a joy and not a chore or obligation. By spending time with them, you will start to enjoy them and get to know them. Fathers are often serious, carrying heavy burdens of responsibility and these feelings can often carry over into childcare - look forward to your time with your children and enjoy them.
The goal for you would be to see your time with your children as a 'stress-reliever' and not a 'stress-builder', and if it's not like that for you, then see it as a catalyst for you to change whatever you need to in order to make it work for you.

Heavy Down
Some dads fit comfortably into the 'good-time fun person', leaving all the heavy work to the moms. Get involved in chores, homework, discipline, decisions on schooling and the future. Fathers can make a huge difference when it comes to decision making. Be willing to carry the load when it comes to making final decisions in your house. Men are generally less emotionally-charged when it comes to making decisions, and this helps to stabilise the emotional climate in your house. It also gives your child a model on how to deal with uncertainties.

Don't do it alone
Be on the lookout for support from other dads or from family members. If being an involved father makes you feel alienated, try to actively pursue friendships that support the role that you are playing in your children's lives.

Be a proud dad
You are one of a kind - and to your children, you are their only dad. Be proud of the job you're doing and be proud of your children. You are their super-hero.

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za
*Practica Parents: Practica Dads report that they prefer doing activities that involve challenges (like those listed under gross and fine motor development). They have explained how writing a list of games on a piece of paper and putting the relevant toys from the box aside, allows them to plan ahead and be prepared to have fun with their children.

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

The "Dad-Factor"

Photography: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

There is no doubt that moms and dads instinctively do things differently. I know that in my interactions with my children, I tend to choose to sing to them, read to them, hold them gently and generally be soft and loving.

My husband however, naturally creates fun and challenges our children. He throws them up in the air, gets them doing somersaults, jumping off the couch crashing into pillows, giving them 'good' frights... you get the picture. And, when it comes to dad, he gives my children more freedom, lets them try things that make me cringe (like walking freely in a gift shop filled to the rafters with breakables... sitting unaided in the bath... climbing to impossible heights on the jungle-gym... oh my heart!).

Other than giving your children a really fun time, and causing mothers everywhere near heart-attacks, fathers make a crucial contribution to their children's development. This is good news really. We've known for ever that there are certain things that only mothers can do, and it is high time that dads get their slice of 'recognition pie'. 

Sometimes dads today are really stretched, having to provide for their families and being more involved in parenting duties than previous generations, and they sometimes wonder if their contribution is really so important - if it's worth going the extra mile so to speak. We can, without a doubt, say Yes - it is worth it, and here's why:

In an article called "How do fathers fit in?" by CIVITAS (The Institute for the Study of Civil Society in Britain), directed by Dr David Green, we learn that fathers are unique in two very special ways.

Firstly, fathers play differently and that has a massive impact on child development. Secondly, and most interestingly, it is what fathers don't do that makes them so special...

Fathers Play Differently
My husband is not alone. Scientific studies have found that fathers tend to be more boisterous, adventurous and exciting in their play than their mommy-counterparts. Imagine for a second a father playing with his child - throwing, tumbling, wrestling, holding a toy just out of reach, loud bursts of laughter, unpredictability, and high energy. And then, when your child is just about to burst from excitement, father calms them and models self constraint, teaching siblings to take turns...

A father is teaching his child trust when he jumps from the couch into his arms. He is teaching his child problem solving skills, goal orientation and perseverance when he holds the ball just out of reach. He is teaching self-control and social skills when he models how to play 'nicely'. He makes it acceptable to have a competitive and driven spirit, revelling in feelings of accomplishment.

Fathers Act Differently
Fathers are less prone to 'hellicopter parenting' and allow their toddlers to do things that would make most mother's hair grey - like running free in a gift shop, bathing themselves, feeding themselves, and generally exploring their worlds with less restriction than mother's usually impose.... need I say more?
This is teaching a child about self-sufficiency, self-esteem and skill development. In fact, studies have found that developing social skills and self-esteem has less to do with the mother and more with the father's interaction.

Fathers just being fathers seem to naturally nurture and develop their children's sense of industry, competence and responsibility.

To wrap up I quote from an interview on the Evolution of Dad website, with Yale-Based Professor and specialist in child and adolescent psychiatry, Dr Kyle Pruett:

"One of the most important things about dad is that he is not mom... and that the world beyond mom really begins with dad. Children who've had involved fathers often can take a bigger slice of the world and not be scared by it.

I think one of the other barriers to involved fathering is that society perpetuates this equation in stone - that the distant, productive, 'bring home the bacon' father is the only way to really love your children. Children wouldn't buy into that for a minute! They need to know who this guy is, why he's in their life, why he loves them, and what he loves about them.

If you want to reduce gang membership, teen-pregnancy, dropping out of school, abuse and neglect of children, and substance abuse, you can do it by engaging fathers early and often in the lives of their children.

We know this from the science, we know it makes sense. It's not easy, but it absolutely works! It works on these problems like aspirin on a headache. And our failure to connect the dots here with what we know, is a huge unfinished problem. And our children absolutely deserve for us to stop fooling around and fix this."

For the in-depth article from CIVITAS on father's role, visit http://www.civitas.org.uk/hwu/fathers.php 

For more about Inspired Fathering, visit http://www.evolutionofdad.com/

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

comments? please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

*Practica Parents: Fathers sometimes find it difficult, after a day at work dealing with adult issues, to enter their child's world. The Practica Program offers age-appropriate games and activities that fathers can do as part of their lifestyle, and by simply following easy instructions they can engage their children and bond on their level.

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za 

The Brain-Heart Connection

Photography: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

In last week's post we discussed School Readiness (if you missed the post go here), and today we are delving a bit deeper into the practical steps you can take to ensure your child is as school-ready as possible.

Firstly, it is interesting to understand the physical make-up of your child's brain. According to Mike Bruton (whom we quoted last week as well) in his article "Smart Play", written for the Mail and Guardian (2 Aug 2010):

"The brain is a remarkable organ, widely considered to be the most complex system in the universe. It is soft, has no moving parts and is not sensitive to touch. It needs oxygen, glucose and physical exercise to function properly, is flushed by 35 litres of blood every hour, and uses about 20% of our body energy. It contains more than 10-billion neurons, has more than 1 000-billion-billion connections and sends and receives electro chemical messages through a 50 000km-long network of nerves."

This is amazing to think of, that this bundle of nerves, neurons and connections is in the process of being built in our children... And our interactions with them - the quality of experiences we gift them - directly affects the way in which their brains will develop.

As discussed last week, while it is fun to teach your child certain things (types of dinosaurs, makes of cars etc), it is far more productive to develop your child's ability to make sense of the world around them - this will enable them to process information given to them in a learning context such as school. The major difference is that it is relatively quick and easy to teach facts, but it takes time and shared experiences to 'switch on' processing skills.

These processing skills include gross motor, fine motor, sensory, visual, auditory, and language development, as well as thinking, reasoning, emotional and social skills. And while this might sound like quite a list, these areas can be worked mostly through one-on-one interaction and play with your child.

Lizette explains it as such, "Play with your children at home so that they can learn at school."

Everyday activities that stimulate these areas of development are simple and fun!

Reading to your child; music and singing songs; playing construction games; building and taking apart puzzles; physical activities like running, jumping, climbing, swinging, pushing, pulling etc; fantasy play; and creative activities like drawing and painting.

We understand that as parents, sometimes there simply isn't enough 'in the tank' to make the effort. It is easier to switch on Barney and make that cup of coffee that you so deserve. "Anyway... what difference does playing in the sandpit make at the end of the day..." you may ask yourself...

What we want to share is that it is important and it does make a difference. Playing the sand; making silly faces in a song; poking at bubbles in the air; wrestling in the grass; letting your child 'help' you pack away the groceries; making mud cakes and sharing giggles while you stare up at the clouds... this is the stuff that feeds a child's growing brain.

If the saying goes that a way to a man's heart is through his stomach, then the way to a child's brain is through his heart.

So, we know that you're tired sometimes, and motivation is nowhere to be found. But simply taking that step, sitting down and pulling out the play-dough, will get the ball rolling and you will find it gets easier every day. Soon, it will be your escape from the maddening world - to experience life through your child's eyes.

Offering your children a wealth of experiences, sprinkled continuously and generously with love (to make it all stick), is not a waste of time, in fact it is the essential ingredient for nurturing school-readiness.

Now isn't that great news?

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

*Practica Parents: The reality of the situation is that a parent who knows better, does better. This is one of the founding principles of the Practica Program -  the better we understand our children, the more we can draw from everyday opportunities as well as new and exciting research.

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

School Readiness

Photography: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

 What do you think of when you hear the phrase 'School Readiness'? I know that in my mind I think of giving my child a head start, maybe trying to teach him how to read before school... maybe some counting too... the overwhelmed part of me also considers 'putting it off' until he's older and big enough to become, well... ready.

Many parents also leave it up to the preschool that their children attend. The reality however, is that the majority of children go to preschool, and yet a large percentage of them are not school ready by the time they need to enter formal schooling... 

So I know School Readiness can't be that simple, or that easy - there has to be more to it, I am sure of it.

According to Lizette, "School Readiness lays the foundation for future learning. The more school-ready your child is, the better his outcome later on in his schooling career."

It is a bit like planting a seed. The more you water the seed and dig compost into the soil around the seed, feeding it and giving it as many nutrients as possible, the bigger the root system will become and the taller the tree will grow. School Readiness is that root system - the bigger and denser the roots, the taller and wider the tree will be able to grow later on.

So what exactly is School Readiness? Well, it is something that can be measured, just like IQ and EQ - and it is basically a culmination of your child's emotional, physical and intellectual readiness to begin school.

School Readiness is not a line in the sand that you step over - now you're ready... No - it's measured on a continuum where one child can be twice as school-ready as another child of the same age. So your aim is not to simply get your child school-ready, but to get your child as school-ready as possible. You see the difference?

In parent's efforts to get their children school-ready, two myths exist that are just that - myths.

1. You need to Teach your child
Many parents confuse teaching their child with stimulating their child's latent skills. The job of a teacher is to teach, the job of a parent is to stimulate. As a parent, your job is to stimulate your child's brain to be able to process future information (learned at school) effectively.
Teaching a child facts such as the capital cities of the world or the different names of the planets in the solar system is simply a process of memory retention, but stimulating your child to think constructively, process information, solve problems, to be goal-oriented and so forth - that will help them when they need to apply themselves in a learning environment.

Interestingly according to an article written by Mike Bruton for the Mail and Guardian (2 Aug 2010) called "Smart Play", our brain tends to discard most of the information that reaches it and retains only what we need. "In fact, it has been calculated that our brains have a relatively small capacity for storing information (about 1.25 gigabytes), less than the average memory stick, and probably 60 times less than your laptop. But our brains have enormous processing power, far greater than any mainframe computer in existence."

In other words, if your child's brain is a tool-box, your job would be to not only ensure that he has all the tools he needs, but that those tools are sharp and ready for use.

2. Getting to school early is an advantage
Many well-intentioned parents believe that getting their child into school as early as possible will give them a head-start in life, enabling them to achieve more in less time... However, six or twelve months makes a huge difference in your child's ability to be school-ready.

The child who is as school-ready as possible is one who feels competent, and develops a life-long love of learning, which unlocks his ability to really excel to his full potential - in school and in life in general.

Alternatively, a child who is not school-ready and who is put into school anyway may be left feeling insecure, overwhelmed, and uncomfortable in a learning environment. This experience will most likely leave this child feeling frustrated, with his potential untapped.

In next week's Tuesday post, we will be focusing on how you can ensure you are giving your child the tools to become school-ready, so don't miss it!

If this post has given you a fright (like me) and you're all fired up to start getting your child school-ready, then I leave you with another interesting bit of information from Mike Burton's article on "Smart Play":

Professor Edgar Klugman, a leading authority in the field in the United States said: "Play is one of the most important areas of activity in which children engage as they grow up and develop. Play contributes positively to a child's ability to learn, interact and communicate with other children and develop abstract thinking skills . . . The vital life skill of being able to visualise future events is directly derived from the skills learned while playing as a child."

So that should give you a clue as to how to work on getting your child school-ready...

The good news?

School Readiness may not be what you initially thought it was, but in my mind it is even better. You don't need to be teacher to get your child prepared for the important step of starting school - you just have to be a mom or dad who are inspired to play. 

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

*Practica Parents: Obviously... this is what the Practica Program is all about! The program is about Big Picture Parenting, and the natural progression of your investment in the program and your child's future is to get them as school-ready as possible, and to be inspired to play.

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

The Two Kinds of Tantrums

Photography: Loren Stow

What is a temper tantrum?

Some temper tantrums are violent storms of emotion which occur because your child's thinking-brain is not yet sufficiently developed (if you missed the post on amygdala hijacking, go here), while other tantrums are efforts by your child to manipulate a situation.  As parents we all feel helpless, frustrated and overwhelmed when our child throws a tantrum, but sometimes, the surge of emotions that your child goes through are also scary for him to experience.

Firstly, it is good to understand that temper tantrums are actually important experiences that aid in brain development - they are great opportunities to teach your child to develop the neural pathways in their brain that will enable them to manage stress when they're older.

Two different kinds of tantrums

As the post heading suggests, there are two different kinds of tantrums, each requiring their own specific reaction from you as a parent. Simply put, in the case of a Distress Tantrum you need to move towards your child and in the case of a Little-Nero Tantrum, you need to move away from your child.

When to respond softly and with understanding

The first type of tantrum - a distress tantrum - happens when your child's lower (emotional) brain is affected (as in the case of an amygdala hijacking). In this instance, your child has experienced a loss, frustration or disappointment so incredible to them that they cannot stop the emotions that erupt from them.

When your child has a distress tantrum, there are excessively high levels of stress chemicals racing through your child's body and brain. Your child is in genuine distress and as a parent you need to model for your child how to cope with these intense and scary feelings.

When your child has a distress tantrum, their ability to talk or listen is severely limited - their emotions literally take over. It is important to understand this because talking to (and trying to reason with) your child at this time is futile. You need to move towards your child, hold them, and soothe them. Your goal should be to meet their feelings of loss, frustration or disappointment with sympathy and understanding.

By doing this, you are developing your child's ability to regulate stress in his higher thinking-brain. If you hold your child, you are telling her that you are there for her. Speak softly, using simple words, and your child will begin to feel safe again as she realises that you can help her to understand and deal with these huge feelings she has.

Why a fixed approach is not advisable

If you adopt a single fixed approach to tantrums (walking away or time-out for example), you may loose an important opportunity to teach your child how to handle stress appropriately. In addition, imagine how reassuring it is for your child to know that mommy or daddy can understand these intense storms of emotion that rip through his body and brain. Alternatively, imagine how disturbing it is, when your child is having a genuine distress tantrum, for you to walk away from him... you would never walk away from a friend in true distress, so why would you walk away from your child?

The best way to handle a distress tantrum is to use simple and calm actions, try to distract your child with something interesting (this often helps to reactivate the thinking-brain), hold your child with tenderness, avoid using the time-out technique or sending your child to their room alone, and keep reminding yourself that your child's distress is very real for them.

When a tantrum is unacceptable

On the flip-side of the coin, a Little-Nero Tantrum is the complete opposite. Where a distress tantrum activates your child's emotional center and shuts down the thinking-brain, a little-nero tantrum occurs in your child's thinking-brain. This tantrum is about manipulation - which takes lots of thought.

A Little-Nero Tantrum is about getting what they want through bullying or manipulation - the point of this tantrum is to get a desired response. But how can you tell the two tantrums apart? A Little-Nero Tantrum often has a lack of tears and your child will be able to articulate exactly what they want(remember that with a distress tantrum, your child isn't even able to speak coherently).

Little-Nero Tantrums that are not handled correctly may teach a child to become a bully - a child that believes that they can get their own way all the time. The way in which you handle this tantrum is very different - firstly, if you are certain your child is not having a distress tantrum, walk away. When no one is watching, there is very little point of having a manipulative tantrum! Don't try to reason, argue with or persuade your child, and don't try to negotiate. Be firm and also remind them of the more socially acceptable ways to get the result they want. Use your own method of discipline in this case. But whichever way you choose - be consistent and stand your ground.

When the tantrums spill over into each other

It is sometimes difficult to distinguish between the two types of tantrums and sometimes one tips over into another - a little-nero tantrum can become a distress tantrum. For example, when your child is verbally demanding a sweet and your 'no' is so disappointing that they have a powerful surge of emotions that tips them over into a distress tantrum. 

If you sense genuine pain in your child's tantrum and know that it isn't an act, you need to help her with her feelings. As a parent, your child needs to know that you will not give into demands, but that you are there for them when they are in genuine pain.  All children are programmed to react with intense emotions if they do not get their anticipated reward, especially because their thinking-brain is not yet properly wired.

Common triggers for tantrums

It is also a good idea to recognise 'triggers' for tantrums in your environment. In addition to tiredness and hunger, boredom and under-stimulation is an important trigger for tantrums - have you noticed how your child has fewer tantrums when they're engaged in something interesting? Frustration and disappointment are also two key triggers for tantrums, and coping with these feelings is one of the things that parents need to teach their children.

Dealing with tantrums are not easy - but if you can learn to differentiate between the two different kinds of tantrums and respond to each kind by 'moving towards' or 'moving away' from your child when appropriate - you will start to see results.

The important point to remember once again is that as a parent you should not give into demands, but you should offer yourself in times of great pain and anguish.

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

*Practica Parents: It's much easier to comfort rather than to discipline a child, because there are so many different methods of discipline. At the Practica Advisory Service, we advise parents to choose their method of discipline with two important considerations in mind: the method that you use should be one that you will be able to use consistently under pressure, and it should also be one that helps you to stay calm and in control of your emotions during the process.

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za