Building Boundaries

Picture from www.tripadvisor.co.uk

When we leave our homes as young adults, one of the very first things that I think most of us relish in is the new-found freedom to break free of the boundaries that our parents asked us to respect. It is not always a case of not agreeing with their boundaries, as much as perhaps not fully understanding why they needed them in the first place…

Fast forward a few years and you are a new parent yourself –  navigating this tiring job as well as building a career and perhaps still laying a solid foundation of a young marriage. Suddenly you feel anxious, frustrated or even depressed and you’re not really sure why. The very boundaries you wanted to break free from could be the answer.

Tanya van Zyl, accredited life coach and published writer (www.tanyavanzyl.co.za), recently described personal boundaries using the most vivid analogy. Imagine crossing a high-bridge over a beautiful gorge, but the bridge has no side-rails. You will walk very slowly, quite scared of tripping and falling, or even being blown off by a strong wind, and you will never dare to approach the edge to look over at the stunning view – it just isn’t safe.

Then, imagine crossing the same bridge but this time it has side-rails. Now you can walk confidently, skipping along even, and approach the sides to look left, right, and all around you in comfort and with confidence that you are safe and protected.

           This analogy describes a life without boundaries versus a life with boundaries. The same boundaries that once made you feel captive in your parent’s home now give you freedom to be confident, feel safe and explore the bridge that represents your personal journey.  

The benefits of boundaries

If the analogy was not enough to instantly create an image in your mind of how important boundaries are, then here are a few more benefits to consider.

           Boundaries enable you to release emotional energy instead of being constantly drained by fear, worry and insecurities. You are able to really ‘skip along that bridge’ instead of stammering along the centre, afraid of making a mistake or falling or being hurt.

            Instead of creating conflict, boundaries actually help to create less conflict because there are fewer instances where you are left feeling as though you’ve been taken advantage of, or that you are so drained that the smallest thing will set you off on a tangent.

             Also contrary to popular belief, boundaries actually make you more emotionally accessible. Instead of holding up a protective shield and constantly being ‘on guard’ because you’re not sure what is coming next, you are actually able to be more open with your emotions within the safety of your personal boundaries.

             Probably the most important benefit is the way in which you will react to challenges. A person with no boundaries will be reactive, often feeling victimised and almost attacked by life coming at them from all angles. While the person with boundaries is more proactive – they see challenges as places to put up future boundaries and even suss out situations beforehand to ensure that their boundaries are sufficient – this makes them more empowered. 

What if you had no boundaries?

Boundaries are not only important for the world ‘out there’, abounding with all sorts of strangers and dangers alike. Most importantly, boundaries are for family too – because without them you will never be truly relaxed enough to have an open relationship, even with your children.                

            A person who lacks boundaries is setting the stage to become abused. Dr Phil famously coined the phrases “You teach people how to treat you” and “The best predictor of past behaviour is future behaviour.”

            Both phrases cover important aspects of boundaries. Firstly, you set the tone and quite literally teach people how to treat you. If you walk into a beautiful garden only to be bitten by a vicious dog, you are certainly the victim of a terrible tragedy the first time. The next time you walk into that garden knowingly – you are your own abuser.

             Secondly, and leading off the paragraph above, people show you who they are and what they do. They are actually quite honest, if you’ll just take their word for it. The dog has honestly shown that he will bite you, and he’s not joking or lying.

    So, if your friend has a habit of fetching her child from your house well after the agreed collecting time over and over again, then you will need to build in extra time (and a healthy dose of acceptance), or refuse to have her child over to your house again. The point is that the choice is yours, and you are empowered.

              Without boundaries in place, your image of yourself breaks down as you subconsciously begin to realise that you are not very good at protecting your precious self, and so perhaps you just aren’t that precious after all…

  On the flip side of a coin, a person with boundaries exudes confidence because they are empowered and they have come to accept that they may be judged or even rejected because their boundaries do not make everyone happy all of the time. There is no room for people-pleasers when it comes to building healthy boundaries. 

 

Why boundaries are important in families

It is vitally important to show your children what healthy boundaries are, because children do not do as they’re told, but rather do as they see. Boundaries do not need to result in selfishness, on the contrary, to have a home with healthy boundaries means creating an environment where the rights and responsibilities of every person are celebrated.

       According to Adri Vos, a counselling therapist on the West Rand, children who grow up in families where boundaries are uncertain simply don't learn to deal with disappointment. They become so used to getting their own way that they soon feel very uncomfortable with getting 'no' as an answer from anyone. As adults, they typically get into the negative cycle of taking any refusal or negative response from another person as a sign of personal rejection. "And," says Adri Vos, "they typically reach a point where they themselves find it very difficult to say 'no' to other people without experiencing feelings of intense quilt and self-doubt." Clearly, this is not a pretty picture.


Where do we need to draw lines in the sand?
There are certain True North guiding principles that apply to family boundaries. These rights and responsibilities are universal, regardless of culture and personal preferences. 

For example:

·  Everyone in the family has the right to recharge their batteries and fill their tanks - mommies and daddies too.

·  Everyone has the right to feel safe within a predictable routine.

·  Everyone’s needs are important, but no more important that anyone else’s needs.

·  Everyone’s physical needs should be met.

·  Everyone should be able to have fun in their home.

·  Every family should benefit from good parental relationships - which means that it's in everyone's best interest when mom and dad invest time and energy in their relationship.

·  Every family should have a healthy and consistent hierarchy.

 

Five steps to creating lasting boundaries

There are five important steps to creating lasting boundaries. Like weight-loss or beating an addiction, creating and maintaining boundaries is not easy.

1.       What is your motivation?

Why are boundaries important to you? Your convictions will be what keep you going. Do you truly believe you deserve to have time to recharge, are your needs for being spoken to in a respectful way ultimately important, etc.?

2.       Get over your fears of rejection

When you create boundaries you will certainly not please everyone, especially those closest to you. They may become frustrated and annoyed and you will need to make peace with this fact.

3.       Act quickly

Boundaries are not something that ‘grow’ in a kind of inverted weight-loss scenario. No… you need to set a boundary and it is either there or not there. And even by not having a boundary you are sending a message and setting a ‘non-boundary’ area where anything is acceptable.

4.       Your home is your haven

You need to be especially firm when it comes to your home and your personal space.

5.       React confidently

Finally, when your boundaries are pushed and pulled (as they will be), you need to act quickly and decisively to make sure there is no misunderstanding. It could be as simple as, “I am sorry that you got stuck in traffic, and next time Amy comes to visit please pack her pyjamas so that she can bath along with the rest of the children.” 

It’s in our nature

To look at a child is to understand that boundaries are part of our nature from the very beginning. A child is programmed to look for the routine - the sameness - in their environment in order to feel that sense of security and belonging. And as they get older and are allowed more freedom, they will push at every boundary, not to break it down but to ensure that it is there and strong… keeping them safe and secure inside.

The Practica Team
parents who know better, do better

To comment or to be added to the mailing list for blog updates please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

10 tips to boost speech & language development

Children are talking less. In fact, research in the UK points to a disturbing trend where half of all five-year-olds entering primary school are very far behind on their speech milestones. “Up to 300,000 [children] are struggling to string a sentence together or [aren’t able] to understand simple instructions by the age of five,” says the Daily Mail article penned by Sarah Harris. And, says Sarah, the main reason for this sad state of affairs is that today’s parents simply spend less time speaking to their children than the parents of yesteryear...

    This is all fine and well, but we’re beyond busy these days aren’t we? Just how can we fit more time into our days? The fact is, being a parent has always been a really tough job, but our parents didn’t have television ‘digital’ babysitters or battery operated decoys… They had to find a way to include us and engage us… The simplest way back then was through conversation. And parents today can do the same – for the sake of their children’s ability to speak and understand language.

   The good news is that there are 10 easy pointers that can amplify your efforts as you encourage your little one’s speech and language skills.

1.       Put yourself in your child’s shoes
What does your child want to talk about? What would be most important to your child in the different situations you find yourselves in? Your child is most likely to pay attention to what you say when you’re talking about something that interests him, albeit using simple language. On top of this, you can  learn a great deal about what your little one is thinking and feeling by looking at his facial expressions and his body language to see where he is focusing his attention.

2.       Make it meaningful and simple

Always start with the most natural and common use of a word possible.
  
   For example, start with ‘bird’ before progressing to ‘goose’ or ‘duck’.

3.       Get descriptive
Try not to just name things, but describe them too…

   For example, ‘see the shiny apple’ or ‘touch the cat softly’. And, instead of simply saying, “Put it over there”, you can say “Please put the fluffy cushion on the blue chair.” The more specific and descriptive our language is as we speak to children, the more they learn.

4.       Get real
While it remains  really important to read books with your child and point to pictures, language is often learned much quicker through actual experience. For example, it is much easier to learn the words ‘kick’ and ‘ball’ when you’re actually kicking a ball together.

5.       Make the most of everyday opportunities
This is really an easy one, because any toddler wants to be involved anyway.

   For example, let your child help you pack the washing machine and talk about ‘socks’, ‘pants’, and other clothes, or let them “help” you find things in the grocery store.

   It’s great to introduce children to new and novel experiences for obvious reasons, but everyday experiences are specifically valuable because they create the opportunity for children to learn through real life experience. It’s also easy to repeat these experiences over and over again.  

6.       Use gestures
Not only is it ok, it is actually great if you use gestures for certain words such as ‘hello’ (wave), ‘fetch the…’ (point), ‘sit on my lap’ (pat your lap) etc. You can also indicate when things are big or small with your hands or point if you want your child to climb over or under something. To add to the meaning as well, you can use your voice and facial expressions to indicate anger, sadness, sleepiness, happiness etc.

7.       Repetition, repetition, repetition
It is very important to emphasize and repeat the words you want your child to learn. Sometimes you may need to repeat something several times and sometimes a hundred times; it depends on the age of your child and the particular word.

   For example, you can emphasize the word whenever the moment arises and then repeat it immediately again, “It is time to bath. You like to bath. Let’s go bath!”

8.       Respond immediately
There is nothing like an instant response to tell a child that using language and speaking is important and valuable to them. When your child sees results, there will be more incentive for them to try and try again.

   For example, when you’re child points at a dog and says ‘dog’, you can respond by saying, ‘Yes… there is the dog! What do dogs say? Woof woof!’

9.       Practice makes perfect
At first your child will be approximating words and they may not be pronounced perfectly. This is just fine at first, so encourage your child to use the word without correcting the mistake and embarrassing your child.   Rather respond by using the word correctly in a sentence, for example, when your child points to a baby and says, “ba”, you can respond with, “Oh yes, a baby! Let’s say hello to the baby!”

10.   What words are not…
In order to learn what things are, your child also needs to know what they are not… It’s generally best to point out what something is before pointing out what it is not…

    For example, when you are playing with a ball you can use the ‘ball’ and then refer to a cube and say, ‘Is this a ball? No! Of course not! (and giggle) It’s a cube!’

   When research tells us that parents are spending more time watching television than in meaningful conversation with their children, it becomes concerning. Language is vitally important for a child’s intellectual development and being a parent is a lot like being a tour-guide to your child’s world.

   Talking to your children doesn’t have to mean dedicating more time that doesn’t actually exist – it just means switching off the television, getting them involved and making a little effort to talk to them – they will love it and so will you!

Remember, if your child can’t name it, he can’t claim it.

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better...

To comment or to be added to the mailing list for blog updates please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Asking and answering questions made simple

Image: www.lorenstow.co.za

Most parents can agree that it is incredibly frustrating when your baby or toddler wants something but can’t communicate what it is… You don’t know what to get them or do for them, and they get increasingly frantic… Another example is when you know that your child knows something, but when you ask them a question about it, all you get is a blank stare, like when you ask your child to show you the blue crayon and all of a sudden they can’t.

    With this in mind, we thought it would be fitting to do a post on how to teach your child to ask and answer questions. It is not as difficult as it sounds and is based firmly on encouraging your child to take part in his day-to-day activities while giving him a running commentary of what’s happening and why.

    Other than the obvious benefit of being able to understand what your child wants, teaching him how to ask to questions will also boost his confidence, help him to learn more about what’s going on around him in his world, and eventually increase his social skills.

Learning to ask

The process of teaching your child how to ask questions is, as with everything else, an on-going ‘dance’ that will continue well into adolescence, but you can get started from about the age of 21 months.

Question skills generally follow a typical order as follows:


2 yrs             Q: Yes/No     Eg: May I go?
2yrs              Q: What       Eg: What is this?
2 ½ yrs         Q: Where      Eg: Where is my shoe?
2 ½ - 3 yrs    Q: Who         Eg: Who is that?
4 – 5 yrs       Q: Why         Eg: Why is he crying?
4 – 5 yrs       Q: How         Eg: How did you make that?
5 – 6 yrs       Q: When       Eg: When is she coming?

“What” and “Where” questions develop first because at that stage a child is typically more interested in the names and locations of various things in their world. The “Why” and “How” questions develop from age four because this is when children start to think in more abstract terms. And the “When” questions develop after a child has learned a concept of time.

Why do some children struggle to ask questions?

There could be three reasons, and if your child is struggling at all it may be a good idea to see which area could use some attention. In order to ask a question your child needs to:

1. Know how to put words together to form questions
2. Have the thinking skills to think of something to ask
3. Trust that the other person is going to react positively

Encourage your child to ask questions

• You can start by modelling the behaviour and showing your child how people think about certain things, and then answer your own questions, for example “What is this? A feather!” or “What are we going to do next? Close the door!”

• Give your full attention when your child is asking a question, get down to their eye level and be patient, allowing enough time for the question to be asked.

• Answer your child’s questions – when you do this your child knows that they have been successful and their self-confidence is boosted.

• If you don’t understand the question, ask your child to repeat it or to try and show you. If your child hasn’t asked correctly or hasn’t used words, repeat their question in a simple, correct way and then answer it. For example, if your child points at their juice on the table you can say, “You want your juice? Here, mommy will get your juice for you.”

Learning to answer

The ability to answer questions develops at roughly the same rate as the ability to ask questions, and it’s a good idea to meet your child where they are at. So, if your child is asking “Why” questions, then you can assume that he can answer “Why” questions as well.

    The best time to ask questions is when you and your child are engrossed in an activity together. Wait and watch your child and see what his attention is on, and then ask a question about that. Make sure you have your child’s full attention before asking the question and allow your child some time to answer the question, creating a calm and accepting atmosphere.

    As a parent, it’s important to ask your child questions, but don’t overdo it and become like 00-Mom/Dad… It is all too easy to dominate the conversation. Try using questions to discover what your child is thinking and what he knows so that you know how to relate to him, rather than turning the conversation into a test or a lesson.

    And don’t forget, questions like “You know what?” are your child’s way of getting your attention so that they can share something with you – so respond with interest and love, and most of all have fun!

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better


Comments? Suggestions? Or simply want to be added to the emailed updates? Contact lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Inspirational Quote

As parents we are facing a time in history where the role of the parent is being downplayed by the advent of technology to make your life easier. You can buy a machine to make and freeze baby food, a chair that rocks your baby for you, a weighted pillow in the shape of a hand that mimics your hand on your baby's sleeping body, books where you can record your voice reading to your child...

These products all have one thing in common - but by promising to make the parent's life easier by 'taking the parent's place' what they are actually saying is that a parent's role is so unimportant that a clever design and set of batteries can replace it.

This, thankfully, is not true. Nothing can take your place. Nothing can be invented or designed to offer what a real, and loving, parent can.

With this in mind is today's inspirational quote - because you really matter to your children!

Image: Loren Stow http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

"No one has more potential to influence your child than you. We need to remember that our influence has more to do with our relationships with our children than it does our skills as parents."

- Reggie Joinuer & Carey Nieuwof

The Practica Team

parents who know better... do better

Five ways in which a child learns social skills

Image: http://www.sheknows.com/

Most parents agree that they want their children to reach their full potential – whatever that may be. They won’t enjoy and celebrate a child any less if it turns out that his or her fullest potential doesn’t involve straight A’s and being hugely successful in the sports arena. In fact, most of us will be more than pleased to see our little ones grow up to be truly happy and successful in their own unique way. As long as they live their best life – everything else is a bonus.


    However, ask any adult about their happiness level and whether they think they’re living meaningful lives and you will soon realise that "living your best life" is not as easy as it sounds. It's so difficult, in fact, that any practical advice to parents about things that can be done during the early years to increase a child’s changes to be happy and content one day is extremely valuable.


    Today’s tips focus on what research teaches us about cultivating social skills in our children. It is, after all, impossible for a person to be either happy or successful without being able to get along with people.


    Here are five things that parents can do to help lay a solid foundation with regards to social skills:


1. Talk about emotions. Studies show that children, whose parents talk about emotions often, are more popular and more comfortable in social situations and better able to cope with anger and disappointment.


2. Deliberately work on having a sunny outlook on life. Kids with the most developed preschool social skills are the ones who experience more positive emotions at home. It’s not necessary or even realistic to be constantly happy, but practice a “can-do” attitude towards setback and frustrations.


    Studies indicate that children suffer when parents – and particularly mothers – tend to give in to anger or despair when things don’t go according to plan. The more often children see their mothers display negative emotions, the less likely they are to view their mothers as people who can comfort them and give them advice.


3. Create special opportunities for pretend play and join in the action every now and then. One of the most important ways in which children develop friendships during the pre-school years is by playing pretend games together.


    Researchers have found that kids who pretend together are less likely than other kids to quarrel or have communication problems. They also develop self-control and the ability to “put themselves in somebody else’s shoes”. Parents who play along from time to time are doing their children a huge favour. Kids are found to play for longer and at a higher level when parents encourage them – but remember to keep the experience upbeat and don’t take over the situation completely; allow your little one to take the lead.


4. Use words wisely when you discipline your child. Kids whose parents take the time to explain rules and discuss consequences of bad behaviour have found to be popular, have more self-control and less conflict with peers.


5. Be sensitive to your child’s emotions. One study, done by Suzanne Denham in 1997 asked children to say what they think their parents would do when they experience strong emotions in various situations, for instance when they wake up from a bad dream. The very same kids who reported that their parents would comfort them and not ignore their emotions or get angry were the ones who were pointed out by teachers to be more socially skilled when they are amongst their friends. These children were also better able to relate to other children’s feelings, and they were generally more cooperative.


    What much of the research boils down to is that taking part, in an emotionally positive way is very important to your child’s social development. What’s more, discussing emotions, whether positive or negative, helps your child to understand their own emotions, and therefore other people’s emotions, so much better.


The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better


Comments or want to be added to the mailing list for future updates? Email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Making Choices

Image: www.ayushveda.com

Gone are the days where children were seen and not heard. In today’s world it is very popular – expected in fact – to give children choices. One theory is that if a child is given a choice, say between the green and the red t-shirt, then he’d most likely follow through and not have a tantrum over having to get dressed.

    The second theory is that children who are given the opportunity to make choices will naturally make intelligent choices later on life – practice makes perfect after all doesn’t it?

    These theories are both true, and children do need to be given the opportunity to make choices. However, it is important that a child is not expected to make a choice that is beyond their ability to understand the consequences of that choice.

The difference between responsible and irresponsible choices
Preschool children should be allowed to make choices in their daily lives, however these choices should only be ones that your child is capable of making. You should not give your child a choice that you will not accept, or one that will put them in harms way.

    For example, it’s great to give a preschooler the choice between the red and blue t-shirt, but not whether they want to bath or not. Your preschooler cannot know that not bathing will potentially result in a health hazard a few days later. At this age, your child thinks on a very concrete level and abstract ideas are not within their grasp.

    Using a rather extreme example is toddler-proofing your home, including putting safety plugs in sockets. You simply do not want to give your child the ability to choose whether they’d like to put their finger in the plug or not – this would be very unsafe and completely irresponsible.

Giving your preschooler safe and healthy choices
It would be inappropriate to allow a preschooler to eat chocolate for breakfast, because that was their choice. Of course, the wonderful sweet taste is an instantly enjoyable experience and your toddler would likely choose it over and over again. But it’s simply unhealthy in the long term.

    This doesn’t mean you cannot give your toddler a choice of different breakfasts, it just means that you have limit their choices to healthy options, for example “Would you like French toast or cereal for breakfast?” In this way, your toddler’s choice will be guaranteed to be healthy and something that you’re comfortable with.

    Another example of giving your toddler a healthy choice is when they are outgrowing their daytime nap at around the age of four. Your toddler is tired and cranky and you know they need to nap, but if you had to ask them if they’d like to have a nap, their answer would most surely be a loud ‘no!’

    So, instead of asking them if they’d like to nap, try another strategy – give your child the option of taking a nap or reading a book during some quiet time. Guaranteed your child will choose the book and will most likely be asleep in no time anyway. If not, at least your child has benefited from some calming quiet time.

Keep choices limited
Toddlers can and should make choices, but these should be limited to two or three different options. Any more options are simply confusing. It is your job as a parent to narrow down the choices for your child and as time progresses and your child matures, they will be able to make healthy decisions.

    You will ensure that your toddler is exposed only to the choices that they can responsibly be expected to make. You will be giving your child the ability to exercise their ability to choose and directly affect their environment, fostering valuable self-esteem.

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better.

If you have a comment or if you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Inspirational Quote

Today's inspiring quotation is about fighting - but in the good sense. Fighting for what you believe in, standing up after being knocked down and instilling in your child the will to persevere through thick and thin as they learn to trust, from watching you and living with you from day to day, that you are fighting for them and not with them.

"There is a world of difference between when you fight with someone and when you fight for someone. When you fight with someone, you want to win. When you fight for someone, you want that person to win. When you fight with people, walls are built up. When you fight for people, walls come down. When you fight with people, relationships are jeopardised. When you fight for people, relationships are prioritised."

- Reggie Joiner & Carey Nieuwhof, Parenting Beyond Your Capacity.

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better.