How to arm yourself for parenting in public

Image: www.positiveparentingsolutions.com

It’s murphy’s law that as soon as you come across another mother of four amazing, well-behaved children in the isles of Woolies, floating along on an aura of complete calm and composure... your (*ahem*... quiet and reserved) toddler will have a complete temper tantrum over the fact that you will not let them have the entire sweet shelf to themselves… What do you do? How do you cope with such a moment, especially in the face of everyone in the shop who have obviously noticed your debacle, and yet pretend not to as they rubberneck like they're passing an accident on the N1 in peak hour…

Lizette offers four ways in which to prepare for, and react to such a situation, as well as an awesome tip for parents of slightly older toddlers and young children.

1. Prepare your children
The first key is prepare your child in advance and to explain exactly what you expect from them.
    Using our Woolies example, you could say “We are going to Woolies and mommy wants you to sit quietly in the trolley and help me find all the groceries. Mommy doesn’t want you to be naughty, because if you are, then mommy will have to give you time-out when we get home. But if you’re good for mommy, you can choose one sweet when we get to the till.”
   This prepares your child for what is going to happen and how you expect them to behave.

2. Always put your child’s needs first
Although it may be tempting to try and hush over a moment where your child oversteps the boundaries that you laid out in point one, you need to keep your child’s need for your guidance and discipline at the top of your priority list.
   You will need to act swiftly and with conviction, despite what you think other’s may be thinking of you, your child or the (rather embarrassing) situation.

3. Never embarrass your child socially
While, in the heat of the moment, some parents may be tempted to scream, shout and perform, just so that all the other people (read: spectators) can see that they mean business and that they’re not the kind of parents whose kids walk all over them, do not do this.
    It is very important that you do not embarrass your child in a social setting. Take them aside and talk sternly to them about the situation, in a way that does not draw attention to them and in a way that they understand that you respect their feelings.

4. Be consistent
As with any form of behaviour direction, consistency is key. If you say you’re going to go straight home after Woolies, don’t be surprised when your children have a meltdown when you quickly decide to make a last-minute stop at Clicks too. Stick to your story. The same applies for discipline. If you say that you will discipline your child for screaming or throwing a tantrum in the store, then do this in a discreet and respectful way.

Great Tip (from age 2.5 to 8 years)
A wonderful idea for taking your empty threats and turning them into concrete results, especially when you’re out and about with your children, is to carry a black marker in your bag. When your child misbehaves or oversteps their boundaries, and you pull them aside for a respectful word, you simply mark their hand with a circle. You explain to them, and they will soon learn, that this mark means that when you get home they will be disciplined as agreed – e.g. time-out, loss of a privilege, or whatever works in your household.
    This little black mark is a tangible reminder to your child that they have misbehaved and will have to face the consequence for their actions, but does not embarrass them or cause undue stress while you’re in a public place.

We hope that these pointers and the tip will go a long way towards making outings more fun for your family!

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better

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Six weeks to a happier home

Image: http://www.cartonera.co.cc/

Let's face it, as parents we spend most of our time directing our children's behaviour and sometimes it can feel as though all we ever say is 'no', 'don't' and 'stop'. While it is important to guide our children, there is a way to do it that is more positive for both you and your child.

Here's a six-week plan to a happier home - we hope it helps to make a difference!

Week 1: Don’t be surprised when your child acts like a child
Even the sweetest child will repeat just about every bad behaviour at least a few times before he eventually learns from the negative responses that he gets, telling him that certain behaviours are to be avoided.

    You’ll do your child an enormous favour if you accept that it is natural for a young child to experiment with various behaviours, both good and bad.

    Practise for a week to stay calm when your child does something ‘bad’ and do not give in to your emotions. In fact, try to establish why you feel emotional in the first place. Is it not normal for a 3-year old to act like a typical 3-year old?

    Instead of getting upset, or ignoring your child’s bad behaviour to the point where you explode in a fit of rage, rather act quickly and decisively when he does something that is unacceptable. Discipline him as if his offence, as well as your reaction to it, is perfectly normal and within your ability to handle.

    Then go on with life with the firm belief that he is a sweet and good little person who just needs a little nudge in the right direction every now and then.

    Refuse to label your child as ‘bad’ and don’t see anything he does as a personal insult. He will soon discover, and learn to believe, that he is a good person as he learns to see himself through your eyes.

Week 2: Ask for consideration instead of judging
Practise for a week to tell your child how you feel and what you need, instead of telling him he's wrong.

    Say: “I don’t like it when the house is a mess. I need you to help me pick up the toys.” Instead of: “I can’t believe the mess you’ve made! You’re such a slob!”

    Say: “This is my favourite CD and it makes me happy to listen to it. I need you to go and play outside if you’re going to continue being noisy.” Instead of: “Get out or shut up!”

Week 3: Put his feelings into words
Practise for a week to put your child’s feelings into words.

    Say: “You are sad because your toy broke.” / “You are angry because I won’t let you go outside to play.” / “You’re excited about going to the beach and it’s difficult for you to wait.”

    When needed, explain what you expect.

    “You are sad because your toy broke, but sometimes toys do break.”

    “You are angry because I won’t let you go outside to play, but it is time to go to bed now.”

    “You’re excited about going to the beach and it’s difficult for you wait, but you need to help me to get everything ready before we can go.”

    Hearing you put his feelings into words over and over again in various situations lets your child know that you understand him. As a result, he will feel less frustrated when you set boundaries and he will find it easier to deal with his emotions.

Week 4: Talk about what to do, instead of what not to do
Practise for a week to put requests in a positive way, so that your child knows exactly how to stay within the boundaries.

    Say: “You need to walk while we’re in the shop.”
    Instead of: “Don’t run in the shop!”

    Say: “Look with your eyes, not with your hands.”
    Instead of: “Don’t touch!”

    Say: “Pet the cat like this.”
    Instead of: “Don’t hurt the cat!”

Week 5: Express confidence in your child
Practise for a week to build your child’s feelings of self-worth by telling him that you believe in his ability.

    Say: “I know you can do this.”

    Say: “I’m so proud of you for doing what I tell you to.”

Week 6: Avoid trying to use guilt as a tool
No happy and successful man has ever stood in front of an audience with the words: “I want to thank my mother for making me feel guilty most of the time. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without those feelings.”

    Many parents doubt their own ability to set boundaries and to discipline their children appropriately. So they resort to using guilt as a tool. They don’t allow themselves to relax or to be happy when they are around their children, because they are afraid of being caught off guard. Instead, they act like frustrated martyrs, in an attempt to evoke sympathy from their children and blackmail them into being ‘good’.

    It takes courage to be happy and enjoy life. Practise for a week to relax and enjoy your children while they’re within the boundaries. When they overstep the boundaries, deal with it as quickly as possible - without laying a guilt trip on them. Then resume where you left off. Soon, being happy will become your default state of mind!

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better

Comment or want to be added to the email update list? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za