The Four Keys to Ending Food Wars

Photography: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

We've all been there... the day that our once-compliant and well-fed baby turns her nose up at meal-time, followed by a clear and concise 'no!'. She shakes her head and just plainly refuses a meal that mere days ago she gobbled down with delight! And before you know it, she's surviving on a diet of cheese curls and banana - refusing any other food-related material that tries to pass her lips...

How did this happen? And why? And... most importantly... will it ever end?

Firstly, let us start by saying that your toddler is not the first, nor will she be the last, to baffle a parent at possibly every mealtime for months on end...

The reason for this is because the first year of life is one of tremendous growth, where a baby can triple its birth weight. Yes - that is some serious growing, and nutrition is very important to support this growth. However, from gaining around 6kgs in the first year, your toddler will only gain around 1-2kgs in her second year. Therefore, she doesn't need as much food as she once did.

This reduction in appetite, coupled with a complete lack of a social understanding of food, creates a toddler who often is not hungry and doesn't want to eat at mealtimes. Your toddler simply does not understand that breakfast time means sitting down to eat - unlike adults who will often eat at prescribed mealtimes (whether or not they are hungry), because we have a strong social understanding of eating (which our toddlers have yet to learn).

Now, there is little you can do to increase a toddler's appetite, but there are certain key points to remember to make it easier to coax your little one into eating at mealtimes. This is important to try to achieve, as you are laying the foundation of your toddler's social and emotional connections to food during the second year of life.

1. Don't fall back on a bottle of milk...

The most important key to remember is that your toddler must be hungry enough to want to eat. So, cast your mind as to what you are feeding your toddler and when. Then ask yourself if your toddler is simply not hungry enough to try that balanced meal you worked so hard to prepare?

One of the biggest culprits in keeping toddlers' tummies full is too much milk. According to Ann Richardson (author of Toddlersense), your toddler needs only about 400mls of normal milk per day, and this includes sources such as yogurt and cheese as well. Ann suggests two bottles per day only - one in the early morning and one at night before bed.

Many parents decide to give their toddler a bottle of milk when they've skipped a meal in order to ensure that they're getting enough 'goodness' into them... However, this is only serving to fill your toddler's tummy and make her even less likely to try to eat at mealtimes.

On the contrary, it is in her best interest to make sure that she is hungry enough to want to explore new tastes and textures at mealtime - or else your toddler might get stuck at eating only a limited number of foods for many years to come!

2. Don't overlook those empty calories...

The second culprit is feeding your toddler empty calories - such as cheese curls, biscuits and the like.  Because these snacks taste good, a toddler will almost 'inhale' them in a gleeful mini-binge... however, these foods are once again taking up valuable tummy-space and are leaving your toddler with a feeling of being full. And... come meal-time... your toddler isn't hungry enough to eat.

Don't skip the snacks altogether, since there is much research that supports six small meals a day in order to keep your blood sugar levels constant. However, make these healthy snacks and time them so that they are not too close to meal-times.


3. Just relax...

Often, when a toddler doesn't eat they're greeted with Mom making airplane noises as the food 'flies' into their mouths, while Dad is dancing and singing a tune - all in an effort to get her to eat... Naturally, this is entertaining and your little one will want more, and she knows that to make this happen again, all she has to do is refuse to eat...

In short, when your toddler refuses to eat, don't make a big fuss. Try simply removing the plate and telling her, "Don't worry honey, you don't have to eat. When you're hungry, you tell Mommy," at which point you can offer the food she refused earlier. No fuss, no pleading, no amazing entertainment show...


4. Set the tone...

During the second and third years of life, your toddler is closely studying the key people in her life for their responses to their environment. In that way she learns a great deal about the world around her, including what is desirable and what is not desirable. Toddlers are not called 'little sponges' for nothing.

Because of this, it is important to model for your child how much you enjoy eating healthy, good food. Use facial expressions and words to show them how much you enjoy eating, and why not put an apple up as a reward for being good instead of a chocolate? 

Conversely, if you have a dislike for a certain food (for me, it's peanut butter), don't pass this onto your children. I ensure that I offer my children foods that I don't necessarily like, because they might like them one day!

It may seem obvious now, but let's recap:

Toddlers are no longer as hungry as they once were because they are simply not growing as fast as they did when they were babies. Toddlers have no social or emotional concept of food, so they still have to learn why they need to eat at certain times. As parents, it is our role to introduce our toddlers to the social, nurturing and comforting value of good food, but it is often difficult, especially when we don't allow them to become hungry enough to want to eat. If we never allow our toddlers to associate hunger with the relief of eating nutritious food, they will most likely continue to refuse food at mealtimes.

So, become a 'food detective' and figure out if you're often n allowing your toddler to become hungry enough to be motivated to enjoy good food and experiment with new tastes at mealtimes. A child will never starve itself, although many will embark on 'hunger strikes' that will send a parent into an emotional and mental tizz... But hold steadfast, and at least allow your toddler to opportunity to feel a bit hungry at times, as well as the awesome satisfaction that good food brings afterwards.

These tips may not completely fix the frustrations and fears that parents face at mealtimes with a toddler, because toddlers are toddlers after all! However, they may go a long way towards making it a little easier to deal with this common stage in development.

Good luck!

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

A great tip for dealing with BIG change!



Example of a page from a personalised book
Design by Loren Stow

 When you know your child is going to experience a big change, such as starting a new school, moving house, or the arrival of a new sibling, there is a creative and effective idea that has worked well for many moms and dads. Its basically a parent-led visualisation exercise for young children which helps our little ones to ‘make pictures in their minds-eye’ that works for them!

Create a book for your child, filled with real photographs and words that are applicable to the change they are experiencing. In this way, you can ‘paint a picture’ for your child of their world – and, when they recognise this ‘picture’ in their real life, they are filled with an immense security and feelings of everything being ‘just right’ in their world.

How to create the book:
(You can apply the ideas below to any major event)


New School:


Take photographs of your child during his school day. The pictures should include activities (in sandpit, on the swing, building blocks, dancing to the music etc.), people (teacher, headmaster, assistants, friends etc.), and things (the classroom, the bathroom, their school bag, their lunchbox etc).

Using your computer, make pages where you have the picture and a ‘story’ beneath each. For example, “Here is Johnny in the sandpit, playing with his friends,” and “This is Miss Henderson, Johnny’s teacher” etc.

Print the pages and slip them into a flip file.

New Sibling:
(Here it is important to stress your child’s place in the home and family)

Take photographs of your child’s routine and home life, including (as above) activities (bath time, bedtime, mealtime, playtime), people (mommy, daddy, nanny, the pets etc), and things (bed, bath, blanket, favourite toy etc).

Again, put a short ‘story’ under each picture and print the pages to be inserted into a flip file.

You can now read your special book over and over again, giving your child a certainty of how everything is ‘as it should be’ in his world. By repeating the story again and again, you are guiding your child in understanding his world and creating a sense of predictability and the security that goes along with that.

Tips to focus on when creating your child’s book:


• Routines and sequences of events (including small details such as picking up toys after play time, getting into pyjamas after bath time etc.).


• Specific places where things happen (such as mealtimes, playtime etc).


• Objects that are used.


• Try to have your child in the pictures (it is about him after all).


• Ensure that the book is realistic (don’t paint a picture that is far from the truth, because then it will just be confusing. Stay as close to reality as possible...)

Beyond the practical and emotional benefit of giving your child their very own personalised book, you are also creating a life-long memory for your child and a great gift for grandparents! You can ‘up the ante’ and even try your hand at digital scrapbooking, creating not just a book, but a colourful work of art that will catch your little one’s eye and will be treasured forever.

There are many free digital scrapbooking downloads available on the internet (try http://www.shabbyprincess.com/), and so this does not have to cost a fortune at all. Just a bit of time (which is very precious, we know...) and some creative inspiration is all that is needed!

Why not give it a try? Your child will find it easier to deal with big changes in his world, you will get to create something truly special, and the result will document your child’s special world for a lifetime.

Words: Loren Stow

when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

*If you are interested in doing a book for your child, but don't have the time, email Loren to get a quote on designing your child's unique book for you - info@lorenstow.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

How to fill your child's 'love tank'



Photography: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

 As parents, we do our very best for our children, actively giving them everything we believe they need... and more. So, the idea that their ‘love tanks’ may sometimes be running low is not only hard to believe, but it flies in the face of the love we express for them daily through our words and actions.

The 5 Love Languages

In a book written by Gary Chapman, called The 5 Love Languages (Moody Press, 1997), the author describes how there are five main ways of expressing and experiencing love (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch).

Each of us (including our children) prefers to express and receive love in one or maybe two of these ways. If we can find a way to ‘talk’ the right love language, well then our needs and the needs of those we love are easier to fulfil.

This book is very true, and a later companion book called The 5 Love Languages of Children (Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell M.D.), notes that a child's preferred 'love language' only becomes noticeable from around age five. 


What about babies and toddlers?

Interestingly, when a baby is born, the one area of the brain that is most developed and able to process information is the area regulating touch. And, because little babies and toddlers live on a very physical level, for the most part they experience life and understand the world through their bodies.

Babies and toddlers also naturally don't yet understand abstract concepts like giving and receiving gifts; the underlying value of spending time together; the meaning of words; and the intentions behind acts of service. So it makes sense that young children across the board initially prefer the language of physical touch when it comes to expressing and experiencing love and affection.

What is an 'empty love tank'?

Simply put, a person suffers from an empty love tank when he doesn't feel loved and secure in the relationship he has with the important people in his life.

How do I know when my child's love tank is running low?

1. Your little one becomes very clingy.

2. Your little one becomes more demanding than usual, especially when you’re in the middle of something, like a phone call, shopping, or cooking dinner...

3. Your little one cannot deal with simple frustrations (like someone taking their toy) and have a meltdown as if their emotional foundation has been rocked when they don't get their way.

4. Your little one is finding it exceptionally difficult to deal with a ‘big change’, such as a new school, teacher, sibling, moving house, a divorce or any other major life changes.


This is the season of empty tanks!

At this time of year, the Practica Program Advisory Service commonly receives many calls from Practica Parents needing advice on two areas – a need for discipline-related information, and issues related to new day care arrangements (new crèche, new teacher, new nanny etc).

In both instances, there are many underlying causes for the problem, but an empty love tank is often one. Typically, a shift from the fun and closeness of the holidays back to the business of everyday life can make your child feel emotionally insecure. And parents often don't communicate their love for their children in a 'language' that their children can understand - the result being that their children don’t have the emotional reserve to deal with small frustrations, which leads to discipline problems, or big changes, which leads to clinginess.

The value of Touch Therapy

The good news is that you can help to solve two incredibly taxing parenting challenges with one simple remedy: fill your child’s love tank. And how is this done? Well, while filling somebody's love tank may involve different things for different people, Touch Therapy is by far the most effective way to communicate love and security to young children.

When using Touch Therapy, you are literally communicating to your child that he is deeply loved... When done correctly, this basic touch-technique tells your child what countless of words and actions can not...

Because Touch Therapy helps to fill your child's love tank, the end result is usually a child who is more emotionally grounded, secure and resilient. So it is also a great method to use when starting sleep training; when a new sibling arrives; when your child is struggling with frustration; when your child is being verbally or physically aggressive; and when your child is sick.

Commonly, parents find they interpret their child’s negative behaviour with more insight and empathy once they are aware of the concept of an empty love tank. However, beware of responding by doing Touch Therapy within a few minutes after an ‘incident’, in an effort to soothe your child, because you may inadvertently be rewarding the negative behaviour. In fact, Touch Therapy works best as part of a routine, for instance, every morning and every night at roughly the same point in your waking-up or bedtime sequence of events.

Touch Therapy – Step by Step

You can do Touch Therapy when your child is lying down, or even sitting on your lap. Using gentle but firm and rhythmical pressure, hold-and-squeeze your child’s arms, starting at the shoulders. Slowly and repeatedly hold-and-squeeze all the way down his arms until you reach his wrists. At this point, press your child’s hands together and squeeze them gently but firmly. Now, do the same with your child’s legs, starting at his hips and working towards his ankles, ending off by gently but firmly squeezing his feet together. You can repeat this slow and rhythmical ‘massage’ for at least five minutes, and it makes the whole experience more enjoyable for your little one if you sing and recite rhymes to the rhythm of the movements of your hands. Try to make as much eye contact with your child as is comfortable for the both of you, and remember this is a special time, so the atmosphere should ideally be calm, relaxing and free from distractions for these few minutes.

As your child’s personality unfolds and develops between the ages of five and eight, he will find himself drawn more towards one of the five love languages as described by Gary Chapman. But it is good to know that for the rest of his life, touch will remain a calming and reassuring experience. And this is true not only for your children, but for you as an adult as well. There is nothing more effective than a good firm hug every now and again to make us feel as if our very existence is solid and worthwhile.

If you’d like to read more about why touch is so magical, please refer to our previous post called “A Mother’s Touch”.

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

The Gifted Parent Questionnaire

Photography: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

In his book, "How to be a Gifted Parent", Dr David Lewis formulated 40 questions that would measure how gifted a parent is. In light of our last post on the shared qualities of parents who are raising gifted children, we thought this would be interesting.

The Rules

Give yourself one mark for those statements that you would normally make, not ones that you only sometimes believe. If your child is under three, some statements will not apply - but you can add them if you truly intend to have those responses later on. For statements that you often (but not always) make, give yourself half a point.

The Questions

1. I answer all questions from my child as patiently and honestly as possible.



2. I take serious questions or statements from my child seriously.


3. I provide a display board where my child can show off his/her work.


4. I am prepared to tolerate an untidy work area if my child has not yet completed some creative task (i.e. painting, model making etc.).


5. I provide my child with a room, or part of a room, exclusively for his/her own use.


6. I show my child he/she is loved for own sake, not for achievements.


7. I give my child responsibilities suitable to age.


8. I help him/her make own plans and decisions.


9. I take my child on trips to places of interest.


10. I teach my child how to improve on the tasks he/she does.


11. I encourage my child to get along with children from different backgrounds.


12. I set a reasonable standard of behavior and see my child follows it.


13. I never compare my child unfavorably to other children.


14. I never denigrate my child as a form of punishment.


15. I provide hobby materials and books.


16. I encourage the child to think things out for himself/ herself.


17. I read regularly to my child.


18. I teach my child early reading habits.


19. I encourage my child to invent stories and fantasies.


20. I give careful consideration to the individual needs of each child.


21. I provide a time each day when the child can be alone with me.


22. I allow my child to have a say in planning family programs or trips.


23. I never mock my child for making a mistake.


24. I encourage my child to remember stories, poems and songs.


25. I encourage my child to be sociable with adults of all ages.

26. I devise practical experiments to help my child find out about things.


27. I allow my child to play with all kinds of junk objects.


28. I encourage my child to look for problems and then solve them.


29. I look for specific things to praise in my child’s activities.


30. I avoid general praise which I do not really mean.


31. I am honest about my emotions with my child.


32. I do not have any subjects which I would totally refuse to discuss with my child.


33. I provide opportunities for real decision-making by my child.


34. I encourage my child to be an individual.


35. I help my child find worthwhile programs on TV.


36. I help my child to think positively about his/her abilities.


37. I never dismiss failures by my child with the comments: ‘I can’t do it either!’


38. I encourage my child to be as independent of adults as possible.


39. I have faith in my child’s good sense and trust him/her.


40. I would sooner my child failed by himself/herself than succeeded because I did most of the work.

What your score reveals

30-40: The parents of gifted children in Dr Lewis' study ended up with an average of 30 points.

25-30: As a parent, you are carrying out most of responses found in families where children are exceptional in their abilities. You might find it worthwhile to look at any of the statements that you were not able to add and see if any of these could be incorporated in your family.

1-24: If you scored less than 25 points, it may be a great idea to read through the statements again and see if any of them could become useful activities in your home.


This questionnaire, once again, is not designed to make any parents feel guilty or 'less than'. As we've mentioned before - when you know better, you do better - Practically Speaking is about pushing boundaries, learning new things, seeing parenting in a new way, and becoming more and more inspired. 


Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

*Practica Parents: The Practica Program lists large number of games in the Parents' Guide that enable parents to boost and support a child's development at every age. Naturally, the more you play with your child, the greater the impact will be on his or her developing brain. However, no two parents' situations are the same, and some parents naturally have more time available than others. At the end of the day, we each have to make the best of our unique situation. So even if you don't get to do all the activities, if our program and our efforts help you to be the very best parent that you can be, we are achieving our goal. 

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

The Secrets of Gifted Parents



Photography: Loren Stow
www.lorenstow.co.za

 When we hear the word 'gifted', it usually applies to a child, a prodigy... We do not normally associate this word with being a parent. Our children are the gifts... not us...

Nevertheless, a well-known psychologist Dr David Lewis, wrote a book called "How to be a Gifted Parent", in which he detailed the findings of years of researching gifted children. Basically, he started to see a trend, a 'way of parenting', that was present whenever a child was developing exceptionally well in all areas.

We have summarised the findings here for you, and want to share this because we feel that in learning how others are doing it, we can learn do certain things differently. It is not about comparison and feeling 'less than'... it is about learning something you maybe didn't know before today... it is about maybe trying something new... it may even be about saying 'well done... I think I'm doing a really good job'...

Also, considering that we have just started a brand new year - 2011 - this might become a valuable tool in making the best parenting decisions you can this coming year.

Gifted parents find their own way

The first thing that many new parents do is to look to others for advice, including friends and their own parents... Raising a child is a hugely daunting task that I think few parents take lightly.  Sometimes we can become overly attached to a certain idea, not willing to move or try something new, believing that if it worked for someone else or for our parents, well then it must be the 'right way'. Equally, some parents will believe that what worked for their first child simply will work for their other children.

The fact is, Dr Lewis found that Gifted Parents always find their own way. They have enough confidence in their abilities to not fall back blindly on the advice of others. They ask and learn and share, but will ultimately make a parenting decision based on their own instinct. They are open to all kinds of ideas, and don't judge any methods with extreme acceptance or indifference, rather they make judgements based on the effect it is having on their child. They ultimately understand that what works for one child will not necessarily work for another.

Gifted parents are comfortable with diversity

Sometimes, as adults, we identify so strongly with particular cultures or beliefs that we truly believe that these are superior to all others, and the mere thought that our children might stray outside of these boundaries is terrifying.  In an effort to steer our children 'the right way', we may want to put blinkers on them or express disdain for those that are different.

Gifted Parents, on the other hand, focus on developing their child's character and personality, with the knowledge - and in the hope - that they will one day formulate their own convictions, opinions, likes and dislikes. They intently expose their children to the widest view points from an early age, while at the same time openly expressing their own honestly held beliefs and values. Their culture and beliefs are held with dignity, but not to the exclusion of all others.

Gifted parents don't favour one child

It is tough to admit, but research does indicate that it is quite common for parents to get along better with certain of their children over others. That is to say, parents can sometimes feel an affinity towards one of their children that they do not necessarily feel towards their other children - and then they can unintentionally favour this child, believing that he or she is capable of more, and is better equipped to succeed.

Gifted Parents however, understand that their children are to a certain extent shaped by the expectations that their parents have of them, so each of their children is given their fair share of attention, opportunities and encouragement. They refuse to believe that one child is better able to succeed because they're better looking, the right sex or particularly talented. They know that some children are late bloomers, and that 'success' means different things to different people.

Gifted parents are comfortable with excellence

We all went to school with that exceptionally 'nerdy' type. I remember a boy in my class who could speak 10 different languages fluently at the age of 12. He was pretty much an outcast.  So, sometimes parents baulk at the idea of their children having certain gifts, or being exceptionally intelligent. They don't want their children to become 'nerds' or 'outcasts' in school - they want them to have a normal childhood.

Gifted Parents understand that children with fully developed mental abilities are not less stable than others, but often cases more stable. That boy from my class is probably the CEO of some company today, leading a fulfilling and motivating life! In fact, since most children who develop exceptionally well are just as well equipped to sum up a social situation as they are at summing up a maths problem, many of these children don't ever become the 'nerdy' type. Instead they feel confident, are happier, more sociable, and more aware of their judgements. In other words, they often times set the pace and lead the pack.

Gifted parents encourage independence

As new parents, we often feel value and pride in what we do for our babies. They are wholly dependent on us and we show our love for them by ensuring that we meet all their needs. From birth, however, a baby starts the journey towards becoming an independent individual, even if it doesn't feel that way. Parents can often feel that they want to do things for their children even when their children are perfectly capable of doing these things for themselves. It's easy to feel as if we will automatically become less important in our children's lives as we become less needed. So we might find ourselves holding on, trying to stop our little ones from growing up too quickly.

Gifted Parents encourage their children to grow up and act as intelligently and competently as possible. They encourage their children to make age-appropriate choices wherever possible and don't do things for their children that they are capable of doing for themselves. When their child asks for something or expresses an opinion, instead of viewing him as arrogant or demanding, they rather see him as assertive and experimenting with different options.  They're not threatened by the situation, and instead think of it as an opportunity for teaching. 

Gifted parents don't rely on what they can buy

The reality of today is that in order for many families to survive, both parents need to work. In addition, women are part of the work force and are enjoying more opportunities to be successful in business. All this contributes to families having more disposable income than their parents had. The attitude of, 'I want to give my children everything I didn't have as a child', or 'I know that I don't spend as much time with my children as I would like, but I will give them the best of everything' is common and understandable. 

Gifted Parents understand that an environment rich in opportunities provides many stimulating possibilities for their children, however, access to wonderful toys and the best schooling is not nearly as important as one-on-one parenting every single day. 

It is scientifically researched that effective learning takes place by doing, and not merely by owning educational and stimulating toys. People, loving interaction and shared interest make toys 'come alive'. A young child struggles to learn by passive absorption, and needs a loving parent to interact with him one-on-one, answering his questions and interpreting his experiences for him. A child who hasn't been taught by a loving adult how to apply his mind is like a beggar who doesn't know how to use a tin opener - he starves although he has a tin of food in one hand, and a tin opener in the other...

So what does this all mean?

These concepts are not new, and for every 'common' trait that parents of gifted children share, there is naturally a flip-side of the coin. This does not mean that parents who find themselves on the 'flip side' of one or more of the above traits are bad. We might find ourselves on the flip-side for a number of reasons, one of which is fear - whether it be fear that we won't do it 'right', fear that our children will stray from belief systems that we hold, fear of loosing our 'little' ones too fast, or fear that we won't be able to give our children everything we didn't have growing up. Another reason might be that we've never actually sat down and thought about this stuff... and how our viewpoints affect our child's world and how they develop.

When we do things out of fear, or without making conscious decisions, the result is often negative. When we choose to acknowledge our fears and open our minds, we are more free to make better parenting choices. 

Parenting is not easy, but it is a journey that we walk with our children, a journey that will shape them and us forever. This is daunting at times, but if we share with other parents, and if we look outside of ourselves to see how others are approaching this journey, it is amazing what we can learn and apply to our own lives.

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za.