Like the rest of the country, Practically Speaking will be taking a holiday break! Our blog will remain accessible, but we will not be posting any new articles until the 14th of January 2011. We will be sure to send a mail to everyone again in the New Year as our first article goes up.
In the four-and-a-half short months that this blog has been running, we've been so proud to have touched thousands of lives, and from the wonderful comments we've received, we are blessed to know that we are making a difference.
We wish all our readers out there a truly safe and joyous Festive Season - filled with family, laughter, learning, growth, thanks-giving, and most of all... Love.
See you next year!
Lizette and Loren
Maintaining a Sense of Routine in the Holidays
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| Image: Loren Stow http://www.lorenstow.co.za/ |
Whatever your plans this holiday, it is a given is that your normal routine will most likely be affected in some way. Children are home from school and creche, carers and nanny's are also away on their own vacations, there may be day-trips, weeks away, and a whole lot of busy-ness...
Just how important are routines and can you ensure that they are nurtured?
For young children, routines are incredibly important. They create feelings of safety and being grounded in an ever-changing world (even more relevant when holidays roll around and their day-to-day life changes completely for a few weeks). In addition, young children actually look forward to their routines and enjoy them immensely.
So, how can you ensure that your children don't feel lost or insecure at a time when routines may be difficult or just plain impossible to follow?
The good news is that routines are not as 'time-based' or 'location-based' as parents think - as adults we usually relate the word 'routine' to a time-table and a certain place. While being three hours late for lunch or expecting our children to eat their lunch in the car would be a bit of push... doing lunch 30 minutes early or late, at a Wimpy en route to your holiday at the sea doesn't have to stray too far from the routine at all...
You see, this is because children do not see routine as a time-table. They see routine as the sequence of activities before, during and after an event. If you wash hands and say grace before every meal, talk about your favourite part of the day during the meal, and then wait for everyone to be finished with the meal before you clear the table, then this is the sequence of events that need to be applied at closely as possible no matter where you are.
The idea is that simply because you are in another location, or you're not perfectly 'on-time', does not mean that you cannot still apply the sequence of events that creates a sense of routine for your child.
Another example is if you usually read the same bedtime story every night and then blow out a candle just before saying good night - when you pack for a holiday away remember to take the book and candle with you, so that you can continue with the routine no matter where you are and even if your little one stays up a little past bedtime.
If you have overnight guests or are entertaining, you may need to shorten the individual steps (read one book instead of three at bedtime). You can also involve other family members, like grandparents, who are willing to help and want to deepen their relationship with your little one. Give them what they need and a little run-down of what needs to be done. You never know, your little one might be thrilled by this! The important thing is to stick to the basic routine.
So, in order to ensure that you keep your little one's routines going strong, take the time to look at their day and note the special sequences around events such as waking time, eating time, play time, bath time and bedtime. What is the pattern that you follow and are there any special props (such as a special towel, a bowl and spoon, a candle or book)? Make sure you make space for these things in your child's day, no matter where you are and what you're doing.
On the topic of routines, we thought we would share some special routine ideas that we've come across, that perhaps you apply in your little one's life...
Bedtime
A Practica Parent shared how he sends his little one off to dreamland every night, simply using a plastic glass with a glitter detail. He switches off the light and puts a torch under the glass, illuminating all the wonderful glitter. His daughter takes a sip of the 'magic water' just before going to sleep to help her off to wonderland...
Early Morning
Why not have a 'rise and shine' song that you sing with your little one just before getting out of bed. This song signals the start of a wonderful new day. "Hi ho, hi ho, its off to work we go..."
Cleaning Up
Using the magic of song again, why not sing while you pack away toys? "This is the way we pack our toys, pack our toys, pack our toys... this is the way we pack our toys, every single night..."
Welcome Home
When transitioning from a day out back to being at home, why not have a routine where everyone gets a drink and sits down to relax and unwind for five minutes before getting busy with the next thing on the list?
Meal Time
Setting the table (whether alone or just assisting) is a great way to incorporate routine in mealtimes. Another routine, as mentioned above, is washing hands, saying grace and sharing stories during meal time.
Hygiene
It's sometimes difficult for children to know how long to brush their teeth for, so you could use an egg timer or even sing a song, and your children know to brush their teeth for this whole time before rinsing. At bath time, my children choose which toys they want to play with in the bath - they have a basket filled with toys and throw their favourites in the running water with much 'hoopla' and joy!
Leaving Routine
It's often difficult for little ones to transition between activities, like shopping, visiting a friend, being on the beach or watching television. It helps immensely to have a routine where you ask your child to say goodbye and wave. In this way they understand that they are finishing with one thing and moving to the next.
Holiday Routine
Lizette describes how, as a preschooler, on family holidays to the beach, her father would always rinse her feet of all the sand under the tap and then carry her back to their cottage - to this day she remembers how that felt and that she looked forward to that little routine almost as much as playing in the sand and sea. Why not create a little everyday routine that is especially for your holiday?
Back to School
For older children, it may help them to feel excited about returning to school if you try to remember all their classmate's names and think of one positive sentence about each one. This shows that you care about their world at school and that they have something to look forward to after every holiday.
We hope that your family's holiday is safe and filled with love and that you find a way to maintain (or even introduce new) routines in your little one's life. These routines cannot be underestimated for their value in creating security, fostering excitement and building long-lasting memories.
Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better
Comment or a special routine you'd like to share? Email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za
If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za
Choosing the best toys this Festive Season!
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| Image: Loren Stow http://www.lorenstow.co.za/ |
I remember last Christmas, when my mother asked what she should buy for my son, and I wasn't really even sure. In fact, I would often buy toys that I
liked that wouldn't even win more than a casual glance from my little boy...
What I learned quickly was that I needed to understand what my son would be interested in, based on his developmental level - otherwise I was just wasting my hard-earned money!
So, I believe that if I've been confused at times, then there must be other parents out there who don't have the foggiest clue as to what to buy for the little people in their lives. So they opt for something flashy, maybe with batteries, some lights and tune or two... a kind of stab in the dark... only to be disappointed with their little ones hardly pay the toy any attention.
In addition to choosing the right toy for the right age, we can sometimes become sidetracked by the sheer magnitude of the Festive Season and forget the real meaning of toys when it comes to children. Play is one of the most important areas of development, shaping the way in which our little ones explore, pretend and share, to name but a few of the skills they acquire from the toys which they are given.
Santa's Toy List:
0-9 months
* Wind chimes make beautiful sounds to listen to.
* Mobiles to look at, especially those with bright high contrasting.
* Cuddly toys – woolly, furry, cloth, plastic, even a combination of different textures.
* Music boxes and CD’s of simple nursery rhymes, classical music, and children’s songs (check music boxes to make sure they’re not off key).
* Rattles, shakers and teethers to pick up, grasp and shake.
* A non-glass mirror.
* An activity gym with dangling objects.
* Plastic squeeze toys.
* Vinyl or cloth books.
* Roly-poly toys (round-bottomed figures that can be pushed over, but bounce back up).
9-12 months
* A door swing.
* Nesting blocks, stacking toys, and stacking rings.
* Push-me-pull-me toys.
* Toys with large popping beads / toys with pop-up parts that are easily activated by pushing a button (Children at this stage like to make things happen – they like to push a button and hear a song, or have a bird pop out of the window etc.)
* Bath toys, including toys that float and bubbles to pop.
* Board books.
* Balls (they now prefer neon colours).
* Musical instruments (drums, shakers, tambourines, xylophones).
* Take-apart toys with large pieces.
* A rag doll with embroidered eyes.
12-18 months
* Walking toys like a walker with a handle for pushing, shopping carts, baby carriages etc.
* Toys large enough to sit on like scooters or animal hoppers, and toys to sit in like a play tent.
* Soft dolls and stuffed animals.
* Balls of all sizes, including a soccer-sized ball and a larger inflatable beach ball.
* Music to listen to, participate in and move to.
* A shape sorter (the drop-in kind).
* Wooden blocks.
* A toy broom, dust pan and cloth.
* Medium sized toy truck and car.
* Nursery rhyme and picture books (go for a book with simple pictures and one sentence on a page).
18-24 months
* Dress-up and pretend items – hats, mom and dad’s old shoes, plastic houses and people, dolls, cars and trucks.
* Mallet and peg toys (pounding bench with large pegs in holes that are ‘hammered’ with a mallet made of wood or rubber).
* Wood, cloth and plastic animals of a good size.
* Toy phone.
* Indoor and outdoor swing.
* Sand box, sand toys, digging toys and a bucket.
* Balls and bean bags of all sizes.
* Simple puzzles (with 2-4 large sized pieces).
* Crayons and large sheets of paper.
* Music and children’s books with lots of rhyme and repetition.
2 years
* Housekeeping equipment (broom, toy dishes, tea-sets, cooking utensils, dolls and dolls equipment, washing and ironing toys, child-size table and chairs).
* Egg beater (held with one hand and turned with the other – not battery operated).
* Inflatable pool and water-play toys, and a sandpit and sand-play toys.
* Cars, large tipping truck and train (train with tracks from 2½ years).
* Low rocking horse or a tricycle (most use pedals from 2½ years).
* Play work bench with tools (kiddie’s screwdriver and wooden hammer).
* Small playground equipment for sliding and climbing.
* CD’s to listen to and simple musical toys like a drum, chimes or cymbal.
* Baby construction toys with large pieces to stack and or fit together / laces and beads to string / 6-8 piece inlay puzzles to put together.
* Children’s books with lots of rhyme and repetition.
3 years
All of the 2 year old favourites plus:
* Craft equipment (finger paint, beginner’s brush, paper, poster paints, glue, blunt scissors and construction paper; but no fill-in, tracing or paint-by-number art).
* Play dough with cookie cutters and rolling pin etc.
* Imaginary settings e.g. a town or castle with plastic figurines of humans and animals (not too small in size).
* A child’s CD player or an instrument to experiment with (e.g. a xylophone that is tuned).
* Push and pull vehicles (also maybe a sled on 2 small wheels).
* Dress-up dolls (with clothes that have buttons and zips) and dress-up clothes (mom and dad’s old clothes in a trunk).
* Beginner’s board games and picture Lotto’s (matching pictures).
* Full size playground equipment.
* Story books and fairy tales (to be read to).
* Simple number and letter toys.
4 years
All of the 3 year old favourites plus:
* Puppets and puppet theatre.
* Toys that involve eye-hand coordination, e.g. shooting a play arrow at a target, darts with rounded tips, shooting at a target with a water gun, tossing bean bags into containers or onto targets.
* Make believe kits for imaginary play, e.g. nurse and doctor kit; play-store equipment; hammer, carpet tacks and wooden board for setting up a play factory; typical office equipment to set up a ‘day at work’.
* Blackboard and chalk (buy a smooth masonite door from a hardware store and paint it with blackboard paint to create a huge blackboard – every child’s dream).
* Kiddie’s gardening tools and small plants that require little care.
* A see-saw.
* Equipment like a back-pack, ‘gogga’-box and magnifying glass for nature trips.
* Dominoes, board and card games like ‘snap’.
* Construction sets with smaller pieces / construction sets that work with magnets.
* CD’s of various kinds of music (children’s, classical, etc.) and lots of story books and fairy tales (to be read to).
Note: This is the age at which fads begin, so be sure to ask what they are collecting. If they are mad for dinosaurs they may be disappointed if the toy that you buy has another theme.)
5 years
All of the 3 and 4 year old favourites plus:
* Child-sized sports equipment that involve more skill, e.g. shooting a ball through a hoop / roller skates.
* Large doll’s pram and equipment / Barbie-style dolls with clothes and furniture.
* Craft equipment including stencils / adhesive tape and paper for three-dimensional construction.
* Regular screwdriver and large screws, nuts and bolts.
* Puzzles (most enjoy 20-25 pieces, many manage 50).
* Snakes and Ladders and other simple family games.
* Shadow puppets (playing with shadows against a wall) using hand puppets or hands alone see http://www.blifaloo.com/shadow-puppets/index.php .
* Rope tying games (learning to make special knots) and string games to strengthen little fingers (for example, watch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u98yAVyYGrI&feature=related to see how to make a cup-and-saucer out of string).
* Lots of story books, fairy tales and books on certain themes and topics (to be read to).
* Age-appropriate computer games (limit to 1 hour per day OR 2 hours Friday afternoon and 2 hours on Saturday).
6 – 7 years
All of the 5 year old favourites plus:
* Bicycle (soon without balancing wheels) / skipping rope / hop scotch mat / hoola-hoop /ring toss / ten pin bowling set / swimming equipment / ball games with equipment and rules, e.g. croquet, cricket , etc.
* Craft equipment, including equipment for plain stitching, simple weaving and mosaics (but no pre-printed patterns for the mosaics).
* Pick-up sticks / marbles /spinning tops / kite flying.
* Tag games, blind-fold games, tree climbing and hide and seek games.
* Masks and costumes.
* Simple card games (also include some that are more advanced than snap).
* A simple camera.
* Activity books that involve writing skills and perceptual development.
* Lots of story books, fairy tales and books on certain themes and topics. Now include beginning science and history toys and books, as well as rhyme, riddle, and joke books.
* Age-appropriate computer games (limit to 1 hour per day OR 2 hours Friday afternoon and 2 hours on Saturday).
It can all become a bit overwhelming, keeping in mind the age, developmental level, the true meaning of the toy, and all without blowing our budgets right out of the water... Never fear! There are some hard and fast guidelines to choosing the perfect toys, ones that will excite and entice your kiddos over the Festive Season, while teaching them valuable skills beyond the carols and the candlelight.
Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better
Comments? Please email lizette@practicallyspeaking.co.za
If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za
10 Easy-Peasy Everyday Reading Ideas
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| Image Source: http://www.thedailygreen.com/ |
Our last post was about the importance of early reading (if you missed it, go here), and today we’re sharing some simple and inspiring tips that can make practicing reading simple, as long as you recognise the opportunities!
1. Set the scene for Dreamland: Help your child to wind down at bedtime by switching on a dim nightlight and lighting a candle. Read the last story for the day in a quiet tone of voice and end it off with a calming hug and a kiss. Whisper 'goodnight' as you let your child blow out the candle as part of the ritual (only once!)
2. Pack a snack and a book: When you're going someplace that you suspect you'll be waiting for a while (like the doctor’s office), don't only pack a snack, include one or two favourite books to read while you wait! This demonstrates to your child that reading is something worth planning for.
3. Read while you shop: The next time you go shopping with your children, don't forget to look out for and read notices, signs and labels to them. When possible, point to whatever you’re reading to focus your child’s attention on the written word. And while you're in the car, why not make it a fun game to read number plates, road signs, street names and other interesting billboards?
4. Add words to real-life pictures. Print out extra copies of your digital pictures; stick pieces of paper on them and write on it, e.g. “Daddy gives Mommy a hug.” “Stephen brushes his teeth. He gets ready for bed.” “Milo is a happy dog. He wags his tail when he sees us.” Put these pictures in an appropriately sized photo-album or laminate them and ask any printing shop in a shopping mall to ring-bind it into a book for you.
5. Far and Away: The next time you take a long business trip, photocopy one or two of your child’s favourite books ahead of time. Read to your child over the speaker phone at bed time, while your spouse helps your little one to turn the pages of the original book at the right times.
From 3 years onwards:
6. Sit back and relax: Record your (or a grandparent’s) voice as you read a story. If needed, use a video recorder and cover the screen so that you record only the sound. Using a teaspoon, ding on a glass to indicate page turns. On nights when you’re too tired to function you can sit with your child and turn the pages together. These recordings of loved ones sharing of themselves can become priceless family heirlooms.
7. Love those Labels: Label common objects in your home by writing words like ‘door’, ‘bed’, ‘chair’, and ‘bath’ etc. on pieces of paper and attaching the labels to the real objects. Hand-write your labels so that you can make sure the letters look similar to how your child’s Grade One teacher will one day teach him to form his letters. Also, leave the capitals and use only small letters.
8. SOUND it - don’t SPELL it: Children love to discover which sounds are represented by various letters, for example ‘s’ represents the s–sound as in ssssnake. However, keep in mind, when your child asks you to sound a word out for him, you’ll be helping him make the link between the letter and the sound better if you simply break the word up into separate sounds. Steer clear of using the names of the letters of the alphabet to spell the word for your child. For example, instead of spelling the word 'b', 'a', 't', 'h', rather say, 'buh-aa-th'.
9. Stick it in your pocket: Create a 'reading pocket' in your jacket where you collect all the interesting things you've read in the day, a cartoon from your daily newspaper, a fortune cookie message, a greeting card etc. When you get home you can share your wonderfully special 'finds' with your little one!
10. Give them a cooking-clue: The next time you bake cookies or cook with your children, let them see how you read the recipe step-by-step. Then line up all the ingredients before you start, and show your child how he can point to the ingredients from left to right, while naming each one out loud, for example flour, eggs, butter, milk, baking powder, and vanilla. This prepares him for reading words from left to right one day!
We hope this post has inspired in you ideas on how to make reading an everyday (simple) opportunity. It can be fun, it can be silly, and most of all it can be a wonderful opportunity to learn and share.
Just a quick note - our next post on Friday will be all about choosing the right gift for the right age this Christmas. So, if you're planning on doing your Christmas shopping this or next weekend, this post will come in really handy!
Words: Loren Stow
Comments or reading tips? Email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za
If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za when we know better... we do better
The 3 Secrets of Early Reading
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| Image Source: http://www.scusd.edu/ |
I remember as a little girl that I loved to read - I would even pretend to read my mother stories that I had learned to memorise. When I learned to write, my love of words was further extended, and I would re-write by hand poems and songs that I loved to listen to.
However, as we get older, we are bombarded wherever we go by the written word whether it be through advertising, logos, memos, emails, sms's, or monthly post... The 'magic' of reading is lost and we can begin to think that reading is just one of many ways to interact with our children.
The benefits of reading are obvious for most parents - increased language, better grades at school, exercising memory and understanding skills etc. - the list goes on and on. However, there are certain benefits of reading that are unique to sitting down and opening a book... irreplaceable with any other experience...
We know that most parents understand the more obvious benefits of reading, so today we want to look at three priceless benefits that you wouldn't necessarily think about when choosing to sit down with your child and a book and open that first page....
It's about Love
Reading to a child communicates love and acceptance to a child primarily in two ways - firstly, through physical touch, and secondly through sharing an experience that fosters emotional closeness.
We've written before on the blog about just how important Love is to learning - it is the 'thing' that makes all learning stick. And the beauty of reading with your child is that it is about more than just pictures and words on a page - it is about Love.
Imagine a scene where a dad is reading to his son. The son is sitting on his father's lap, enveloped in his arms, and both of them are fixated on the book in front of them. Dad is reading each word with emphasis, his tone and inflection changing, and his facial expressions mimicking what he's reading. He suddenly roars (like a lion...) and his son laughs and curls even closer to his dad... Can you see it? Can you see what we're trying to describe?
As parents, we can sometimes see reading a chore... But for a child, reading is about Love. It is a time when his mom or dad physically and emotionally 'comes down' to his level and there is a closeness. He comes to anticipate the funny monkey sounds or the knock-knock-knocking that are coming on the next page... his excitement and joy are barely contained...
Reading fosters Love - it is about sharing, one-on-one with your child. It is about opening up a world of fairy tales, or dinosaurs, or farm animals or whatever it is... It is about taking your child's hand and guiding them through a door into a world where they will be given anything their heart desires...
Teaching your child to associate love and closeness with reading is possibly the best foundation you could ever lay for your child in terms of academics, social skills, and increasing language and therefore intellectual development. This is because the pleasant memories create in a child a hunger for more... But more than that, reading gives you an opportunity to be close, to share a moment, to laugh together and Love together.
Its about finding a familiar place in the world
As parents, we assume that children get bored of reading the same book over and over again, but contrary to this popular belief, children actually thrive on this predictability. To a child, being able to predict what is going to happen on the next page is equal to being able to predict his world and understand his place in it, making him feel safe and secure. Predictability is one of the most fundamental emotional and intellectual needs of a child, and reading is the easiest way for a parent to almost exactly recreate an entire 20 minute experience over and over again, day after day.
Repetition is of course also a strong foundation of learning - because children learn through seeing, hearing and experiencing the same thing over and over again.
It's about doing what works
Another common misconception is that books are often seen as 'old fashioned' and parents are tempted to replace them with seemingly more modern stimulation, such as television, dvd's, video games, computers, and battery-operated toys with moving parts and flashing lights...
The difference between these 'new and improved' types of stimulation and reading, is that reading (and story-telling) will always be the number one activity that requires of a child to actively use his brain to make it fun. In order for reading to 'make sense' and be enjoyable, your child needs to use various parts of his brain to process the activity. As opposed to other more 'modern' stimulation, where a lot less is asked of his brain...
Finally it is important to understand that reading is a really high-functioning skill and nothing else, definitely not television, not educational games, not flash cards, not even something as precious as talking to your child or singing songs till the cows come home... nothing stimulates phonetic and phonological awareness (which is absolutely crucial for reading readiness) quite as much as reading age-appropriate children's books with loads of rhyme and repetition, over and over again. Therefore, reading to a child not only fosters a love for reading, it actually wires a child's brain to be able to learn to read later on...
With this said, we hope that the next time you buy your child a book, or the next time you reorganise their book-shelf, you stop for a second and see a book for what it is... It is not only the best foundation for future reading abilities with all the good things that go along with that, but it is also a magical key to demonstrating your love for your child, and creating a safe and predictable place for him in our fast-paced world that can at times be so scary for little souls...
A book really is more than just the sum total of it's pages and colourful pictures - it is a gift; for you, for your child, for the future.
Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better
Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogam.co.za
If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za
Middle Ear Infection Emergeny Kit
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| Image Source: http://www.buzzle.com/ |
Today, we're looking at a communication 'Emergency Kit' - ways in which you can communicate with your child while they have this kind of infection, to ensure that you are maximising their ability to understand you. Please remember that fluid can remain on the ear for up to six weeks after the cold or allergy has been treated.
Sourced from an article written by Shannan H. Vines and Jo Rosenthal-Tanzer, both speech therapists, entitled Otitis Media and Speech and Language Development:
Structure the environment to help your child listen and learn by doing the following things:
- Get your child's attention before you begin talking. Call your child's name, tap your child's shoulder, or say "Look at me".
- Use gestures and facial expressions to help convey your meaning.
- Get down to your child's eye level.
- Emphasize word endings that may be difficult for your child to hear.
- Reduce background noise. Turn off the television and radio. Quiet other children playing in the room.
- Reduce physical activities during the communication process.
By doing these things, you are creating the ideal environment for your child to understand you and you will be minimising the possible negative effects that this kind of infection will have on your child's language development.
Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better
Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za
If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za
How Hearing Impacts Learning
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50% of children under the age of 12 months will experience at least one episode of middle ear infection (otitis media), and between the ages of one and three, 35% of children will have repeated episodes.
When we consider how important hearing is to language development and learning, it is staggering to imagine that many children will spend months of their formative years in a murky silence... not understanding clearly what is being said to them...
What is Middle Ear Infection?
Middle ear infection is caused by fluid build up on the middle ear, which affects the ear's ability to process sound properly. It's one thing to know this and another to understand what this actually means for your child.
To get an idea of how a child with middle ear-infection hears, put your hands over your ears tightly and ask another adult to read to you. It is really difficult to hear that person, especially if they aren't facing you and even more when there are background noises or other distractions occurring.
Middle ear infection can be caused by a common cold, allergies or irritants such as cigarette smoke - and it can happen to any child.
How Middle Ear Infection Impacts Language Development
Middle ear infections affect your child's ability to hear high-frequency sounds such as consonants, and especially those consonants at the end of words. So, for example, you might say 'bat' but your child hears 'back'. He or she will also struggle to hear short words such as 'to', 'but' or 'and'.
Living in this murky and muffled world is obviously frustrating for children, and they can often become tired or just plain bored with trying to understand what on earth you're trying to say. It just becomes too difficult, or even impossible, to focus on the finer details and nuances that makes language what it is. And of course, these finer details are so important because they can change the whole meaning of a sentence.
This has obvious and serious affects on language development, resulting in speech delays, problems with focusing attention, poor self-esteem, social problems, reading problems, and inability to follow instructions.
The real life implications of these delays is a child who is often 'left behind' in social settings. Older children (over the age of three years) who have experienced frequent episodes of these infections when they were younger often don't add the detail at the end of words, such as final consonants, past tense or plurals.
These infections often go 'unheard'
What often happens with middle ear infections is that sometimes it doesn't present with pain, so your child will not even indicate that there is something wrong. Your child cannot hear properly, but they don't have a big enough frame of reference to understand that they're not hearing properly...
Another misconception is that once it a cold or allergy is treated, the infection goes away. The truth of the matter is that the fluid can remain in the ear, affecting hearing, for up to six weeks after an infection or cold clears.
Because of this, it is important to know and look out for the signs that your child may have middle ear infection or still has fluid on the ear.
Symptoms of Middle Ear Infection
- Ear aches or draining of the ears
- Fever
- Partial loss of hearing
- Different responses to speech and everyday sounds
- Changes in sleeping or eating habits
- Irritability
- Rubbing or pulling on ears
- Having difficulty with balance
- Turning the TV or radio up louder than usual
- Frequent need to have directions and information repeated
- Talking less than usual
- Unclear speech
- Using gestures rather than talking
- Delayed speech and language development
- Avoid irritants such as cigarette smoke and allergens
- Consider a day care solution with fewer than six children
- Always wash hands and keep toys (especially those that are put in a child's mouth) clean
- Breastfeeding, even if only for a few weeks, makes a baby less prone to these infections
- Don't overuse antibiotics, since this can breed ever-resistant bacteria
- Allow plenty of fresh air in the home to avoid air-borne germs
- Consult a nurse or doctor about available vaccines
- Don't put your child to bed with a bottle because the liquid can leak out and go into the small tube leading to the middle ear
The reason we believe this post is so important is because middle ear infection can often go unoticed - or when it is noticed, it is considered to be 'just one of those things'. It really important to ensure that your child is treated, and that as a parent, you know that recurrent infections can have a major impact on your child's ability to hear for long periods of time.
In our next post, we will be looking at an 'emergency kit' should your child have middle ear infection. What you can do maximise his ability to hear and ensure that he's not left behind in a 'murky' and silent world.
Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better
Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za
*Practica Parents: We learn a great deal about typical development from those children who do not develop typically... Creating an ideal environment for development entails a 'recipe' with certain key ingredients - and we know which ingredients play which role when we look at what happens when one of them is missing. We hope that this post motivates our Practica Parents to have a new appreciation for the Group 4 Activities in the Parents' Guide, which are focused on developing listening skills in children.
If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za
Healthy Praise - 3 Practical Tips
In our last post, we discussed how not all praise is equal. In fact, if praise were like food, some praise is like the finest organic fruit and vegetables, while other praise is like junk food which is plain unhealthy and even harmful (if you missed the post, go here).
However, there is so much research out there on the effects of praise, that we took the opportunity to sift through much of it for you and bring you the three most important things to remember when praising your children.
We believe that knowledge is all fine and well, but we need to find a way to apply it to our lives in a practical way, otherwise it can just become another 'burden' that weighs us, as parents, down.
We really hope these tips, which are based on real studies, will help you to see how to use praise in the way that we know it is intended - as a tool to nurture and grow our children's abilities and talents.
Praising Tip #1
DO praise your children for things that are within their power to change.
Praise your child for good manners, working hard, persevering at a task, for thinking of clever ways to solve a problem, for being a team player, for treating others with respect, following instructions, doing more than what was expected and other good choices that your child makes. By praising your child for things that are within his power to change, you are communicating to him that he has the power to make the right choices and that his efforts are recognised.
DO NOT praise your child by telling him how smart or talented he is.
It is not healthy to respond to your child's successes by saying, "Look how SMART you are!"
Children easily get the idea that adults observe them from a distance, rating how they fare at certain tasks, with the goal of stereotyping into little boxes marked with signs like 'genius', 'above-average', 'average' and 'stupid', and it scares them. What if they are confronted with something they can't do? Will adults see their failure as a sign that they are not as smart as they once thought? Will a mistake lead to a loss of love or respect?
These children don't want to risk loosing their little 'gifted' tags that have been hung around their necks and as a result they avoid challenges (Mueller and Dweck 1998).
Praising Tip #2
DO be sincere and specific
Wait for a real opportunity to praise your child. Then be specific and give information about what impressed you, for example "This picture is my favourite. I like how you took your time and used many different colours."
Keep in mind that, by giving information about what you appreciate, you are conveying a standard that is shaping how your child will act in future. So be careful to set reasonable standards and not unintentionally inhibit your child with your comments. If you would, for instance, always say that you like a picture because he used blue and green, then he may never use orange and red again!
DO NOT praise in a way that is overenthusiastic or undeserved
Very young children will likely take a parent's praise at face value, but older children are a different story. As children mature, from about the age of 3-4, they become aware a parent's possible motives for praising them, and they respond negatively to insincere praise.
When you praise a child in a situation where they feel that they didn't really deserve the recognition, they may feel that you think they are in need of encouragement and that you are praising them because you feel sorry for them (Meyer 1992).
A child may also feel as though you are trying to be manipulative, or that you don't really understand them (Henderlong and Lepper 2002).
Praising Tip #3
DO focus on your child as an individual
Be truly interested and involved in a child's personal interests, growth and successes, regardless of what other children are like, do or achieve. Praise a child when he does something right or masters something, and not for outperforming other children.
DO NOT use praise that compares your child to others
Children who are praised for outperforming others initially respond well by trying hard to make their parents proud. However, they become so focused on winning that they don't learn to enjoy the activity itself, and when they no longer win, they loose interest.
Many of these children also react by avoiding challenges, because they have a real fear of not being the best. This kind of praise doesn't prepare them for coping with failure and it doesn't teach them making mistakes is an important and valuable part of learning (Elliot and Dweck 1988).
References:
Mueller CM and Dweck CS. 1998. Praise for intelligence can undermine children’s motivation and performance. Journal for Personality and Social Psychology 75(1): 33-52
Meyer W.-U. 1992. Paradoxical effects of praise and criticism on perceived ability. In: W. Strobe and M. Hewstone (eds): European review of social psychology, volume 3. Chichester, England: Wiley.
Henderlong J and Lepper MR. 2002. The effects of praise on children’s intrinsic motivation: A review and synthesis. Psychological Bulletin 128(5): 774-795.
Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better
Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za
If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za
 |
| Image: Loren Stow http://www.lorenstow.co.za/ |
In our last post, we discussed how not all praise is equal. In fact, if praise were like food, some praise is like the finest organic fruit and vegetables, while other praise is like junk food which is plain unhealthy and even harmful (if you missed the post, go here).
However, there is so much research out there on the effects of praise, that we took the opportunity to sift through much of it for you and bring you the three most important things to remember when praising your children.
We believe that knowledge is all fine and well, but we need to find a way to apply it to our lives in a practical way, otherwise it can just become another 'burden' that weighs us, as parents, down.
We really hope these tips, which are based on real studies, will help you to see how to use praise in the way that we know it is intended - as a tool to nurture and grow our children's abilities and talents.
Praising Tip #1
DO praise your children for things that are within their power to change.
Praise your child for good manners, working hard, persevering at a task, for thinking of clever ways to solve a problem, for being a team player, for treating others with respect, following instructions, doing more than what was expected and other good choices that your child makes. By praising your child for things that are within his power to change, you are communicating to him that he has the power to make the right choices and that his efforts are recognised.
DO NOT praise your child by telling him how smart or talented he is.
It is not healthy to respond to your child's successes by saying, "Look how SMART you are!"
Children easily get the idea that adults observe them from a distance, rating how they fare at certain tasks, with the goal of stereotyping into little boxes marked with signs like 'genius', 'above-average', 'average' and 'stupid', and it scares them. What if they are confronted with something they can't do? Will adults see their failure as a sign that they are not as smart as they once thought? Will a mistake lead to a loss of love or respect?
These children don't want to risk loosing their little 'gifted' tags that have been hung around their necks and as a result they avoid challenges (Mueller and Dweck 1998).
Praising Tip #2
DO be sincere and specific
Wait for a real opportunity to praise your child. Then be specific and give information about what impressed you, for example "This picture is my favourite. I like how you took your time and used many different colours."
Keep in mind that, by giving information about what you appreciate, you are conveying a standard that is shaping how your child will act in future. So be careful to set reasonable standards and not unintentionally inhibit your child with your comments. If you would, for instance, always say that you like a picture because he used blue and green, then he may never use orange and red again!
DO NOT praise in a way that is overenthusiastic or undeserved
Very young children will likely take a parent's praise at face value, but older children are a different story. As children mature, from about the age of 3-4, they become aware a parent's possible motives for praising them, and they respond negatively to insincere praise.
When you praise a child in a situation where they feel that they didn't really deserve the recognition, they may feel that you think they are in need of encouragement and that you are praising them because you feel sorry for them (Meyer 1992).
A child may also feel as though you are trying to be manipulative, or that you don't really understand them (Henderlong and Lepper 2002).
Praising Tip #3
DO focus on your child as an individual
Be truly interested and involved in a child's personal interests, growth and successes, regardless of what other children are like, do or achieve. Praise a child when he does something right or masters something, and not for outperforming other children.
DO NOT use praise that compares your child to others
Children who are praised for outperforming others initially respond well by trying hard to make their parents proud. However, they become so focused on winning that they don't learn to enjoy the activity itself, and when they no longer win, they loose interest.
Many of these children also react by avoiding challenges, because they have a real fear of not being the best. This kind of praise doesn't prepare them for coping with failure and it doesn't teach them making mistakes is an important and valuable part of learning (Elliot and Dweck 1988).
References:
Mueller CM and Dweck CS. 1998. Praise for intelligence can undermine children’s motivation and performance. Journal for Personality and Social Psychology 75(1): 33-52
Meyer W.-U. 1992. Paradoxical effects of praise and criticism on perceived ability. In: W. Strobe and M. Hewstone (eds): European review of social psychology, volume 3. Chichester, England: Wiley.
Henderlong J and Lepper MR. 2002. The effects of praise on children’s intrinsic motivation: A review and synthesis. Psychological Bulletin 128(5): 774-795.
Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better
Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za
If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za
When Praise is Harmful
As a parent, I want to raise my children in a way that celebrates who they are and what they achieve. I want them to know that they have a special place in the world and that the world is truly a better place because they are in it.
I feel this way so strongly that sometimes when I think of how much I love my children, and how much I want them to understand that they are special - my heart actually constricts for a moment... fluttering in anticipation for their future.
I don't think I am alone on this one - I think that most parents feel this way about their children. One way in which we try to give our children this positive message is through praise. Contrary to three or four generations ago, when children 'were seen and not heard', in today's world, we praise our children as diligently as we feed and bath them - it is a 'staple food' in our daily emotional diet.
However, just like not all foods are healthy, not all kinds of praise are healthy either. Certain kinds of praise are like junk food, filled with empty calories, while other kinds of praise are like smorgasbords of finest organic fruits and vegetables, packed with healthy nutrients.
What is “junk food praise” and why is it unhealthy?
One example of junk food praise is when our praise labels our children. Remember that any label (positive or negative) can be damaging, because it shapes how a child views himself and the world. “But...” I hear you say... “isn't a 'positive label' good for self-concept?” No. Not always.
For example, if your child completes a puzzle and you say proudly, "oh you're so clever!" you are effectively labelling your child as clever. What happens then is interesting, because instead of having a positive effect, your child actually starts to become fearful of living up to this expectation of 'cleverness'.
They become afraid of trying something that they just might not succeed in, lest they be 'caught out' and no longer be considered as clever. Because, you see, after hearing it enough times they start to equate their 'cleverness' with your love - in other words, mommy and daddy love them because they're clever.
What is “organic praise” and why is it healthy?
Using the same example, a healthy response to a finished puzzle could be, "Well done for completing the puzzle! I have noticed that you started with the corners today. That worked well. Good plan" or “I saw you enjoyed that puzzle and worked hard at it. Way to go!”
By giving this kind of practical feedback, you are effectively telling your child that his efforts and choices are noticed and valuable. He is a capable human being who can achieve things when he applies himself. Working hard can be fun and, at times, having a good time is a good reason in itself to do things!
When you give practical feedback, your child needn't be afraid of living up to any passive 'label' bestowed on him by forces outside his sphere of influence. The focus is on what he does and chooses – two things that he can control. As a result, he will be more willing to try new and more difficult things. He is given the message that 'we enjoy watching you develop and make choices’ instead of ‘how lucky we are that you are so smart.’
This gives your child the security of knowing that your love and approval are not dependent on his success. Because let’s face it, all people and our children included, will face their fair share of failures.
After all, being successful has nothing to do with avoiding failure with a big old ‘clever-label’ around your neck. On the contrary, it’s about learning the lessons that you need to learn from your own fair share of ups and downs - so that you can get to a place where you are truly leading a life that you love.
A fascinating bit of research:
In her article entitled The Perils and Promises of Praise, American psychologist Dr Carol Dweck, who has studied student motivation for 35 years, explains that the way in which children view their own intelligence is closely linked to how they are praised (Dweck 1999, 2006).
In one of her studies, a group of 5th grade children were all given a task to complete, and then one group of them was praised for their intelligence only ("You must be smart at these problems"), while the second group was praised for their effort ("You must have worked hard at these problems").
The researchers then asked a question that each child had to agree or disagree with - "Your intelligence is something basic about you that you cannot really change.” Children praised for their intelligence agreed more with this statement than children who were praised for their efforts!
The children were also asked to define intelligence, and once again, the children praised for intelligence made more reference to it being a fixed and innate capacity, while children praised for their effort made references to effort and learning.
The children were then given the option of working on a task that was challenging or a task that guaranteed an error-free performance. Most of the children praised for intelligence opted for the easy task, while most children praised for effort opted for the challenging task.
Next, the children were given a challenging task to complete, on a whole the children who were praised for their intelligence lost their confidence as soon as it became difficult, because they equated success with 'cleverness' and if they were struggling, then it meant that they were not clever... The other group who were praised for their effort on the whole remained confident and eager.
Finally, when the children were asked to hand in their scores (anonymously), almost 40% of the intelligence-praised children lied, because their feelings of self-worth were so wrapped up in their performance that they couldn't admit to mistakes. Only 10% of the effort-praised children falsified their results. (I have to admit that I’m a bit taken aback by the fact that so many of them actually lied!)
"Praising children for their intelligence, then, hands them not motivation and resilience but a fixed mind-set with all its vulnerability. In contrast, effort or 'process' praise (praise for engagement, perseverance, strategies, improvement, and the like) fosters hardy motivation. It tells children what they've done to be successful and what they need to do to be successful again in the future," says Dr Dweck.
What to make of this?
We believe we are all praising our children from our hearts and with the best intentions. But, as always, parents who know better do better. That is why we have written about this, because many parents would never guess that something as well-intentioned as telling their child that he is clever can have such a far reaching impact.
In our next post, we will give you 3 practical tips on how to avoid the wrong the kinds of praise by replacing them with the right kinds of praise. Until then, let’s just play it safe and follow the advice of Kenneth Blanchard, author of the The One Minute Manager: catch them doing things right. When your children do things that legitimately warrant praise from you, give practical feedback on what they have done right and the good choices that they have made.
And don’t forget to tell them that you’re so thankful that they were born. I can’t imagine that that could ever back-fire?
Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better
Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za
*Practica Parents: All the activities in the Practica Program obviously give Practica kids more opportunities than most children to do things that call for praise from parents. I can imagine that it’s going to take some practice to think of things to say that are practical and relevant – it just used to be so much easier to sincerely respond with “you’re so smart” to everything! But it cannot be too difficult. If our kids can learn new things – so can we!
 |
| Image: Loren Stow http://www.lorenstow.co.za/ |
I feel this way so strongly that sometimes when I think of how much I love my children, and how much I want them to understand that they are special - my heart actually constricts for a moment... fluttering in anticipation for their future.
I don't think I am alone on this one - I think that most parents feel this way about their children. One way in which we try to give our children this positive message is through praise. Contrary to three or four generations ago, when children 'were seen and not heard', in today's world, we praise our children as diligently as we feed and bath them - it is a 'staple food' in our daily emotional diet.
However, just like not all foods are healthy, not all kinds of praise are healthy either. Certain kinds of praise are like junk food, filled with empty calories, while other kinds of praise are like smorgasbords of finest organic fruits and vegetables, packed with healthy nutrients.
What is “junk food praise” and why is it unhealthy?
One example of junk food praise is when our praise labels our children. Remember that any label (positive or negative) can be damaging, because it shapes how a child views himself and the world. “But...” I hear you say... “isn't a 'positive label' good for self-concept?” No. Not always.
For example, if your child completes a puzzle and you say proudly, "oh you're so clever!" you are effectively labelling your child as clever. What happens then is interesting, because instead of having a positive effect, your child actually starts to become fearful of living up to this expectation of 'cleverness'.
They become afraid of trying something that they just might not succeed in, lest they be 'caught out' and no longer be considered as clever. Because, you see, after hearing it enough times they start to equate their 'cleverness' with your love - in other words, mommy and daddy love them because they're clever.
What is “organic praise” and why is it healthy?
Using the same example, a healthy response to a finished puzzle could be, "Well done for completing the puzzle! I have noticed that you started with the corners today. That worked well. Good plan" or “I saw you enjoyed that puzzle and worked hard at it. Way to go!”
By giving this kind of practical feedback, you are effectively telling your child that his efforts and choices are noticed and valuable. He is a capable human being who can achieve things when he applies himself. Working hard can be fun and, at times, having a good time is a good reason in itself to do things!
When you give practical feedback, your child needn't be afraid of living up to any passive 'label' bestowed on him by forces outside his sphere of influence. The focus is on what he does and chooses – two things that he can control. As a result, he will be more willing to try new and more difficult things. He is given the message that 'we enjoy watching you develop and make choices’ instead of ‘how lucky we are that you are so smart.’
This gives your child the security of knowing that your love and approval are not dependent on his success. Because let’s face it, all people and our children included, will face their fair share of failures.
After all, being successful has nothing to do with avoiding failure with a big old ‘clever-label’ around your neck. On the contrary, it’s about learning the lessons that you need to learn from your own fair share of ups and downs - so that you can get to a place where you are truly leading a life that you love.
A fascinating bit of research:
In her article entitled The Perils and Promises of Praise, American psychologist Dr Carol Dweck, who has studied student motivation for 35 years, explains that the way in which children view their own intelligence is closely linked to how they are praised (Dweck 1999, 2006).
In one of her studies, a group of 5th grade children were all given a task to complete, and then one group of them was praised for their intelligence only ("You must be smart at these problems"), while the second group was praised for their effort ("You must have worked hard at these problems").
The researchers then asked a question that each child had to agree or disagree with - "Your intelligence is something basic about you that you cannot really change.” Children praised for their intelligence agreed more with this statement than children who were praised for their efforts!
The children were also asked to define intelligence, and once again, the children praised for intelligence made more reference to it being a fixed and innate capacity, while children praised for their effort made references to effort and learning.
The children were then given the option of working on a task that was challenging or a task that guaranteed an error-free performance. Most of the children praised for intelligence opted for the easy task, while most children praised for effort opted for the challenging task.
Next, the children were given a challenging task to complete, on a whole the children who were praised for their intelligence lost their confidence as soon as it became difficult, because they equated success with 'cleverness' and if they were struggling, then it meant that they were not clever... The other group who were praised for their effort on the whole remained confident and eager.
Finally, when the children were asked to hand in their scores (anonymously), almost 40% of the intelligence-praised children lied, because their feelings of self-worth were so wrapped up in their performance that they couldn't admit to mistakes. Only 10% of the effort-praised children falsified their results. (I have to admit that I’m a bit taken aback by the fact that so many of them actually lied!)
"Praising children for their intelligence, then, hands them not motivation and resilience but a fixed mind-set with all its vulnerability. In contrast, effort or 'process' praise (praise for engagement, perseverance, strategies, improvement, and the like) fosters hardy motivation. It tells children what they've done to be successful and what they need to do to be successful again in the future," says Dr Dweck.
What to make of this?
We believe we are all praising our children from our hearts and with the best intentions. But, as always, parents who know better do better. That is why we have written about this, because many parents would never guess that something as well-intentioned as telling their child that he is clever can have such a far reaching impact.
In our next post, we will give you 3 practical tips on how to avoid the wrong the kinds of praise by replacing them with the right kinds of praise. Until then, let’s just play it safe and follow the advice of Kenneth Blanchard, author of the The One Minute Manager: catch them doing things right. When your children do things that legitimately warrant praise from you, give practical feedback on what they have done right and the good choices that they have made.
And don’t forget to tell them that you’re so thankful that they were born. I can’t imagine that that could ever back-fire?
Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better
Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za
*Practica Parents: All the activities in the Practica Program obviously give Practica kids more opportunities than most children to do things that call for praise from parents. I can imagine that it’s going to take some practice to think of things to say that are practical and relevant – it just used to be so much easier to sincerely respond with “you’re so smart” to everything! But it cannot be too difficult. If our kids can learn new things – so can we!
How to teach Manners - the 123 and ABC
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| Image source: http://www.hatcheprints.com/ |
In our last post we discussed how important it is to guide your young child in developing good manners because it will affect his self-concept, create higher EQ and eventually culminate in more success later on life (if you missed the post, go here). However, we're still just human beings, and some clear directions come in handy from time to time!
So, this post is going to give you the '123 and ABC' of manners - what you can realistically expect, when and how!
Although we all know this as parents, it can't hurt to repeat it - children learn by example! So, if you want to foster respect in your child, treat them and those in their world with respect. If you want your child to say 'please', use the term when you ask something of them. If you want your child to greet people warmly, then make sure you greet them and those in their world warmly as well. And the list goes on...
1 and 2 year olds
You can realistically add 'please' and 'thank you' to your child's vocabulary from when they are able to say a few words. Be consistent and after you're sure that your child knows the words well, prompt him to say them when requesting or receiving something.
Introducing your child to dinner-time around the table around the age of two is also great! Even if they've eaten already, give them a bowl of yogurt or fruit, so that they don't feel left out. Talk to your toddler during dinner to demonstrate the social side of family dinners and let him experiment with a spoon. There may be a bit of a mess, which is understandable, but don't allow him to make a mess for the sake of it. Remember to praise your child when you're done, for example, "What a good job you did eating with your spoon tonight buddy!"
Two-year-olds can also be taught to greet politely. You can start by practicing at home, with all his stuffed toys, creating a little 'pretend' visit where he says 'hello' and 'goodbye' to each toy. You can also prompt your little one when you're going to visit a friend by saying, "We're going to visit aunty Mary. When we get there we're going to say 'hello'". However, some little ones get 'stage fright' anyway when it comes to saying hello to real people, and in this instance you can say hello for your child, reinforcing the social principle.
Toddlers will rarely 'play nicely' without adult supervision, so be prepared to closely monitor play dates. Sometimes it helps to have a special 'play date toy box' with two of every toy, but if this is not possible and there is a single favourite toy that everyone wants a piece of, ensure that everyone gets a turn. In this way you can introduce your toddler to the word 'share'. Sometimes you may need to change the scenery by going outside or to another room. And don't forget to praise your toddler when he does share nicely.
3 and 4 year olds
It is important to remember that whatever rules you put in place need to apply both at home and while you're out. However, don't ever embarrass your child out in public, if he has done something that requires a talk, do so in a private place like a washroom. Also remember that if you threaten consequences, you need to be willing to follow through.
Your three-year-old can now learn to not interrupt. You can teach him to tap your leg or put his hand on your arm when he wants your attention while you're in mid-sentence. Simply putting your free hand on his will reassure him that you know he's there and that he's waiting his turn to talk to you. Unless he's in real distress, he can only benefit from learning to wait for 5 or 10 minutes.
Now is the age to build on the table-manners you started the previous year. Make a light-hearted game out of sitting still and straight up for up to 10 minutes or longer. You can expect him to use his napkin properly and eat with a spoon or fork correctly. In addition he should be drinking from a cup neatly and can learn to ask to be excused from the table. He is also old enough to help to lay and clear the table around dinner time.
Your child is also old enough now to follow some basic 'birthday party etiquette' - such as not going for the pile of gifts that are not for him. When it's his party, you can teach him to accept gifts graciously through role play - remember, children often learn better when a concept is demonstrated to them. Praising your child for his efforts is so important, and try not to sweat the small mistakes he might make.
Saying 'sorry' and accepting a 'sorry' is also important at this stage. As parents, we instinctively prompt our children to say 'sorry' when they've hurt someone or taken someone's toy, and just as we'd like them to say sorry, we also want them to learn to graciously accept an apology if they are on the receiving end of the 'offence'.
Most children won't be able to say 'sorry' and mean it until they're about 7-8 years old. So while your child is still far from reaching that milestone, you will need to help him understand why he needs to say 'sorry', otherwise the word will end up having an empty meaning for him. For example, you can say, "Johnny, see how sad Ben is that you took his toy? Please give his toy back and say 'sorry' to help Ben feel better."
Another way to teach 'sorry' is to do so yourself if you have been in the wrong with your child, if for instance you've lost your temper with him. If you - the 'invincible' parent - can apologise, then it becomes easier for your child to say 'sorry' too.
Around this age, young children can sometimes lash out and call people names like 'stupid'. If your child does this you can simply say, "We don't call people stupid, I will not have you talk like that," and remove your child from the situation, explaining that he can't be around his friends or family if he doesn't talk nicely.
By the age of four, most children can remember to use the words 'please' and 'thank you' appropriately. They can also remember to say 'excuse me' after burps, and greet people without being prompted. But again, don't feel as though you've failed if they forget every now and again - Rome was not built in a day after all!
5 and 6 year olds
Your child should now be able to sit around a dinner table with the rest of the family and guests in an appropriate way - sitting still, receiving food graciously, eating with utensils, chewing with his mouth closed etc.
As always, role-play is always helpful as it builds self-confidence. So if you want to you can 'simulate' a restaurant dinner, light candles and put flowers on the table. Make sure to give your child a list of the manners you want to see around the table, and then reward him in some way for a job well done.
Dinner is a wonderful time to share and come together as a family. Practice asking each other questions about the day and sharing in a light-hearted way. Try to avoid making dinner-time a battle-zone by keeping lectures and comments about unfinished chores for other times of the day, away from the family dinner.
Manners, at this age, should be second nature for your child, as he behaves in a way that is acceptable to your family and your culture.
What is important to remember is that manners are taught - they do not just 'happen' to a child. When you give your child the gift of manners and the self-discipline that goes along with it, you are not only shaping the way in which they perceive themselves and the world, but equipping them with a higher EQ and the potential to be a truly successful citizen of the world.
Having said that (and again...), Rome was not built in a day. There is fine line between firmly and lovingly guiding your child, and becoming a dictator who dissects everything your child does. You know your child best, and you know when they're doing their level best - reward their efforts, tell them you're proud of them, and lead by loving example.
The key principle to remember when you're not sure if you're doing the right thing? "Teach your child that he or she is very important, but no more important than anyone else."
Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better
Comments? Email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za
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3 Reasons to start manners early
I vaguely remember a time before I joined the legion of parents out there, looking at other people's children and thinking smugly to myself... "I would never let my child get away with that..." or "I can't believe how badly behaved that child is, my child will never do that..."
Then... I had my own children! And now it's a whole new ball game. I can now understand just how difficult it is to shape my children's behaviour in a positive way, and just how much time and effort it really takes. It's not easy, by any stretch of the imagination, I am sure you will agree? But still, I hope and pray that my children will one day be abundantly blessed with that magic social gift call 'manners'.
So how is it done - how do I bestow upon my little charges the very important gift of manners? What can be expected at their various ages and stages of development? When do I start? How do I start?
These are all questions that I think most parents ask, because we're all secretly hoping that on the other side of the 'tantrum curtain' is the little angel that we know exists in there... somewhere...
Common Questions
Many parents wonder why they should teach their children 'respectful' behaviour before the age of 7-8, which is when they really only start to understand the concept of 'respect'.
For example, why force a two-year-old, who is at a very difficult stage socially, to say 'please' and 'thank you' when they don't understand the words? Is that not being unreasonable? Surely, children who grow up in an environment where other people are being considerate to them will eventually choose to turn into considerate human beings - when they are good and ready to do so?
It's a case of which came first, the chicken or the egg? In other words, does a child have to understand respect in order to behave respectfully?
Well, in our research we have found three important reasons to strive to teach our children to be as well-mannered as reasonably possible from early on - firstly, acting respectfully leads to being respectful; secondly, good manners help pave the way to a higher EQ; and thirdly, manners teaches self-control which leads to success.
Acting respectfully leads to being respectful
Parents who put manners on the back-burner until their child is old enough to develop his own convictions about the matter, usually find themselves in a rather precarious situation. The reality of the situation is that it becomes difficult for the parents and others in their child's life to act as if their child is a blessing and a joy to be around if he's running around like a self-centered mini-dictator... no matter how understanding they try to be.
The development of this child's self-concept is not put on the back-burner along with the manners - no matter how young he is, the way in which those around him react to him continually shapes the way in which he perceives himself and the world around him. If people are constantly irritated and annoyed in this child's company, he will come to view himself as 'irritating' and learn that the world is cold and unwelcoming to someone who is as 'unlikeable' as he is.
On the other hand, approving smiles, appreciative looks, and positive comments from parents and other people can have an almost miraculously positive impact on a child's developing self-concept. It therefore makes sense to teach a child to be pleasant and courteous to people, even if he doesn't really yet understand the concept underlying this behaviour.
Then, by the time a child is old enough to truly understand what respect means, he will have three good reasons to continue being respectful. 1) He has been treated with respect within his own family and social circle many times before and knows that it feels good. 2) He has treated others with respect many times before and knows it makes them feel good. 3) He is used to thinking of himself as a 'nice boy' and acting in a way that is contrary to this is unthinkable to him. Being 'respectful' is just a more grown-up way of looking at it!
Good manners help pave the way to a higher EQ
Just like a child can be born with an amazing aptitude of music or sport, which may never be realised due to lack of opportunities, a child can also be born with the potential to develop a high emotional intelligence (EQ) and never reach this potential due to lack of guidance.
One of the most important components of EQ is a person's ability to effectively 'read' what other people are feeling and respond accordingly. Since having good manners is in essence about being sensitive to the needs and feelings of other people, teaching manners is a wonderfully practical way to help your child develop his emotional intelligence.
For example, when your child wipes his mouth on the tablecloth, you can remind him to use his napkin and make sure to bring other people's feelings into the picture by adding, "The reason why we wipe our mouths on napkins is because we want to keep the table looking nice and clean for all the other people who are also eating."
Another example is when your child interrupts you while you're on the phone. You can say, "You're interrupting. It's Granny on the phone. Mommy loves Granny. I need to speak to her. You'll have to wait for a while." Then hold your child's hand if need be so that he knows that you know that he's waiting. Continue talking for a few minutes, unless your child is in physical distress or danger.
No child can develop exceptional social skills without learning somewhere along the line that his feelings and needs are very important, but no more important than the feelings and needs of the other people in his world.
Manners teaches self control which leads to success
Dr Walter Mischel, psychologist specialising in personality theory and social psychology at the University of Columbia, studied hundreds of four-year-olds. In his study, each child was left alone in a room with a one-way-mirror for 15-20 minutes with a marshmallow on a plate in front of them. Before leaving the room 'to run an errand', the doctor explained that the child was allowed to eat the marshmallow, but if they could wait for him to return, they would get two marshmallows to eat!
Only one-third of the children were able to wait for his return and the reward of an extra marshmallow.
Follow-up studies of the children who were able to wait revealed that when these children were old to enough to graduate from high school, they scored higher on achievement tests. They also dealt with stress better and were more popular with their peers.
Researchers now know that there is an area in the brain called the 'dorsal frontomedian cortex', which is situated just above the eyes. This area is responsible for a person's ability to exercise self-control. Interestingly - and importantly - although it is one of the last areas of the brain to mature, its wiring starts at a very young age.
The more your child uses this area in his brain, even when he's only a toddler, the more densely it is wired. In other words, the more your child gets the opportunity to practice his ability to exert self-control, the easier it becomes (this is where all grandparents spontaneously applaud)!
Luckily we are not suggesting boot camps for toddlers! Dr Daniel Goleman, hugely successful psychologist and author of Emotional Intelligence (which was on the New York best-sellers list for 18 months and has sold five million copies worldwide in 30 different languages), says that parents can help a child develop self-control by doing nothing more than being good parents.
Instead of leaving it up to the child to figure out for themselves how they should behave, parents should be present to direct and influence their child's behaviour. Dr Goleman describes that this can be achieved by consistently saying 'no' to your child when he does something undesirable, encourage him to try again when he is frustrated by a challenging task and remind him to mind his manners in various situations.
The reason why parents' reminders eventually become internalised is because they are literally wired into their child's brain over time. "Habits shape character and character determines destiny."
So, when you're frustrated and feeling as though your efforts are simply falling into a bottomless black pit (also known as the 'terrible twos')... remember, you are making a difference to your child's development which will set the course of his life. Just like a river starts with a small trickle of water and grows bigger and wider and stronger as it gets closer to the ocean, so too will your efforts eventually accumulate to create a 'tide of manners'.
Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better
Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za
Practica Parents: We specifically develop emotional intelligence with games from 0-7 years, but ALL the Practica games actually develop EQ! Why? Because EQ has to do with how well a person can read and react to his own and other people’s emotions and control his own attitude and behaviour, and every Practica activity is an ideal opportunity to model and teach these skills in the right way at every age. Now that is Parent Power!
If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za
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