Safety around Strangers

Image from Hoodwinked

As parents we teach our children all kind of things in a sincere attempt to keep them out of harm’s way. There is no doubt that “no going anywhere with strangers” and “no treats from strangers” are important rules that should be taught from early on, but think twice before teaching your little one that he or she should not TALK to strangers …

“Teaching your child not to talk to strangers is an illogical rule and even potentially dangerous”, says safety expert Gavin de Becker in his book Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane). He argues that children who have been taught that it’s wrong and unsafe to talk to strangers can be confused by their parents’ periodic insistence that they should say “hi” to people they don’t know.

And if these children get lost, how will they be able to seek help if they don’t talk to strangers? Should we not rather teach our children to make wise choices about whom to talk to and what they’re going to say in a situation where they’re lost, alone or in danger? Are they not at their most vulnerable when their only plan of action in a crisis situation is to stand around crying until some random person approaches them to ask if they need help?

Gavin advises parents to encourage little ones to practise talking to strangers in a safe environment. He suggests little exercises like sending them to an adult to ask for the time, or asking a store assistant where to find a certain item in a store.

Children should also be made familiar with how to find a suitable adult to turn to in times of crisis. He advises that we teach them to approach a woman - preferably a mommy with children - as women are statistically safer than men and more likely to commit to helping children until they are safe. (When my girls were little their instructions were to go to the nearest cashier sitting behind a till in a store and ask the lady to please call mommy.)

Older children should be helped to develop an awareness of other people’s behaviour rather than whether a person is a “stranger” or not. “The issue isn’t strangers, it is strangeness”, says Gavin de Becker. And what he says certainly makes sense since it is common knowledge that a child is statistically far more likely to be harmed or abused by somebody that is well known to him or her, than by a complete stranger.

He goes on to say, “It is inappropriate behavior that’s relevant: a stare held too long, a smile that curls too slowly, a narrowing or widening of the eyes, a rapid looking away. The muscles in the face are instruments of communication, resulting in an eloquent language that can put us at ease or give us the creeps.”

To learn more, have a look at Gavin's online articles:

Teach Your Kids How to Talk to Strangers.

How do I change what I’ve taught my Youngster about Strangers?

Written by Lizette van Huyssteen
When we know better... we do better

Top Tips for Good Behaviour

Why is it that some people bring out the best in children? What is so different about them that little ones seem to geniunely WANT to please them and enthusiastically do what they say? Inborn temperament certainly plays a role. Consistency and self-confidence also makes a difference. Yet, the crucial factor is that these special people have learned to think about and talk to children in a special way. Luckily, these ways of thinking and talking can easily be copied. Here are two of the most common "tricks of the trade" that social workers typically advise parents to adopt:  

1. Take a few seconds to set the scene: Before giving an instruction, let your child know that you have special expectations of the outcome of the interaction that the two of you are about to have. This radically increases the odds that he will spring into action after you’ve said your say.

Practically Speaking: Before flinging words into thin air, look directly at your child. Say his name to get him to focus his attention on you and what you have to say. Make eye contact. When speaking to a toddler, go down on your haunches if at all possible and look him straight in the eye. Lower your tone of voice and speak clearly and calmly as if making an important announcement.

Note: Use a firm voice, but do not shout. If shouting tells your little one that you really mean it, you're training him to brush you off untill you raise your voice. 

2. Describe an appropriate substitute. Instead of hammering on about what your child SHOULD NOT be doing, let him know what he SHOULD do. To a young child, and many older ones, the phrase “Don’t be naughty!” simply calls up the image of him sitting still like a porcelain doll. So even if he does his utmost to please you, he will most likely succeed for no more than a few minutes before losing concentration and giving in to his natural urge to  be actively doing something else!

Can you suggest that he goes outside to play in the garden? Can he possibly help you with what you’re doing? What about drawing a picture or dancing to the beat of whatever is playing on the radio? By offering an attractive alternative to your child’s current undesirable behaviour, it's three times more likely that he will do as you say.   

Practically Speaking: Concentrate on starting your sentences with “please” whilst staying clear of using the word “don’t”. Try saying, “Please use your walking feet and help me pack the groceries into the trolley” instead of, “Don’t run around in the shop!” Similarly, when your child is misbehaving in a restaurant, open a notebook on the table and hand him a pen whilst saying, “Please help me to draw a picture of the salad that we've ordered” instead of saying, "Don’t stand on the chair”.

Note: Naturally there will be situations when you will need to say "Stop!" or "Don't stick your finger in the plug!", but your child will react quicker to these important instructions if you don't bombard him with "don't-messages" all day long.

When we know better... we do better
Written by Lizette van Huyssteen

You are the Key to Maximal Brain Development

Picture: www.developingchild.harvard.edu 

We often exhibit the Practica Program at baby shows and expo's in South Africa and it's truly mind boggling to see how many products are available to new parents nowadays. I can imagine that entering into the world of parenthood must be very exciting and a little daunting at the same time - especially for first time parents - and even more so if you don't have unlimited funds available ...

To add to the pressure, developmental scientists are often quoted as saying that 'rich environments build rich brains'. I can imagine that it must be easy to confuse 'rich environments' for luxurious prams and rooms filled to the rafters with toys.

The good news is that the researchers are actually referring to an environment that is abundantly blessed with loving interaction between baby and adult - whether a parent or a carer.

The fact is babies under the age of three learn very little from toys and other babies; they learn from adults. (And that is something that we have to keep in mind when we consider day care options for our children...)

Numerous studies show that, when it comes to maximal brain development, children need a loving adult more than anything else during the early years of life. The company of a loving adult is absolutely crucial to anchor, colour and 'decode' a little one's world, especially during the first 3 years of life. You are the key!

Picture a 14 month old baby playing with toys next to another 14 month old baby. Now picture the same baby playing with an adult in the very same situation. What's different? And why is this difference so important?

1. Adults can provide language. Babies and toddlers cannot. Expensive toys cannot. Words, gestures and facial expressions add special meaning to experiences. In fact, being immersed in language is so crucial for building young brains and fostering intellectual, social and emotional skills that developmentalists often refer to language as being as effective as water on a seed☺!

2. Adults can point things out, repeat things over and over again and add emotions of exitement to help a child to focus his attention for maximum brain gain. This makes it and easy for a little one to discover things in his world that would otherwise simply pass him by if he was spending most of his time in the company of other babies, or amidst expensive equipment, without the first hand involvement of an interested adult. 

3. A loving adult can make the most of simple daily experiences by turning even the most basic little activity like changing a nappy or feeding a cat into a step-by-step sequence of exciting events. Real life is the class room where under 3's learn. And when your baby starts to recognise patterns and begins to predict what's going to happen next in a familiar situation, you can take this as a sure sign that huge strides are being made with regards to his intellectual development. 

4. Lastly, and most importantly, only a loving adult can provide a young child with a deep sense of security. A baby or toddler simply needs to spend his days in the company of a key-adult with whom he has formed a safe attachment. In the absence of this most important key factor, a young child experiences toxic levels of stress that causes his little brain to be "marinated" in stress hormones that eat away at the neural networks on a daily basis.   

To learn more, have a look at the Harvard Center's series of two-minute videos on what it takes to build a brain during the first years of life:

Written by Lizette van Huyssteen
When we know better... we do better.

Building Boundaries

Picture from www.tripadvisor.co.uk

When we leave our homes as young adults, one of the very first things that I think most of us relish in is the new-found freedom to break free of the boundaries that our parents asked us to respect. It is not always a case of not agreeing with their boundaries, as much as perhaps not fully understanding why they needed them in the first place…

Fast forward a few years and you are a new parent yourself –  navigating this tiring job as well as building a career and perhaps still laying a solid foundation of a young marriage. Suddenly you feel anxious, frustrated or even depressed and you’re not really sure why. The very boundaries you wanted to break free from could be the answer.

Tanya van Zyl, accredited life coach and published writer (www.tanyavanzyl.co.za), recently described personal boundaries using the most vivid analogy. Imagine crossing a high-bridge over a beautiful gorge, but the bridge has no side-rails. You will walk very slowly, quite scared of tripping and falling, or even being blown off by a strong wind, and you will never dare to approach the edge to look over at the stunning view – it just isn’t safe.

Then, imagine crossing the same bridge but this time it has side-rails. Now you can walk confidently, skipping along even, and approach the sides to look left, right, and all around you in comfort and with confidence that you are safe and protected.

           This analogy describes a life without boundaries versus a life with boundaries. The same boundaries that once made you feel captive in your parent’s home now give you freedom to be confident, feel safe and explore the bridge that represents your personal journey.  

The benefits of boundaries

If the analogy was not enough to instantly create an image in your mind of how important boundaries are, then here are a few more benefits to consider.

           Boundaries enable you to release emotional energy instead of being constantly drained by fear, worry and insecurities. You are able to really ‘skip along that bridge’ instead of stammering along the centre, afraid of making a mistake or falling or being hurt.

            Instead of creating conflict, boundaries actually help to create less conflict because there are fewer instances where you are left feeling as though you’ve been taken advantage of, or that you are so drained that the smallest thing will set you off on a tangent.

             Also contrary to popular belief, boundaries actually make you more emotionally accessible. Instead of holding up a protective shield and constantly being ‘on guard’ because you’re not sure what is coming next, you are actually able to be more open with your emotions within the safety of your personal boundaries.

             Probably the most important benefit is the way in which you will react to challenges. A person with no boundaries will be reactive, often feeling victimised and almost attacked by life coming at them from all angles. While the person with boundaries is more proactive – they see challenges as places to put up future boundaries and even suss out situations beforehand to ensure that their boundaries are sufficient – this makes them more empowered. 

What if you had no boundaries?

Boundaries are not only important for the world ‘out there’, abounding with all sorts of strangers and dangers alike. Most importantly, boundaries are for family too – because without them you will never be truly relaxed enough to have an open relationship, even with your children.                

            A person who lacks boundaries is setting the stage to become abused. Dr Phil famously coined the phrases “You teach people how to treat you” and “The best predictor of past behaviour is future behaviour.”

            Both phrases cover important aspects of boundaries. Firstly, you set the tone and quite literally teach people how to treat you. If you walk into a beautiful garden only to be bitten by a vicious dog, you are certainly the victim of a terrible tragedy the first time. The next time you walk into that garden knowingly – you are your own abuser.

             Secondly, and leading off the paragraph above, people show you who they are and what they do. They are actually quite honest, if you’ll just take their word for it. The dog has honestly shown that he will bite you, and he’s not joking or lying.

    So, if your friend has a habit of fetching her child from your house well after the agreed collecting time over and over again, then you will need to build in extra time (and a healthy dose of acceptance), or refuse to have her child over to your house again. The point is that the choice is yours, and you are empowered.

              Without boundaries in place, your image of yourself breaks down as you subconsciously begin to realise that you are not very good at protecting your precious self, and so perhaps you just aren’t that precious after all…

  On the flip side of a coin, a person with boundaries exudes confidence because they are empowered and they have come to accept that they may be judged or even rejected because their boundaries do not make everyone happy all of the time. There is no room for people-pleasers when it comes to building healthy boundaries. 

 

Why boundaries are important in families

It is vitally important to show your children what healthy boundaries are, because children do not do as they’re told, but rather do as they see. Boundaries do not need to result in selfishness, on the contrary, to have a home with healthy boundaries means creating an environment where the rights and responsibilities of every person are celebrated.

       According to Adri Vos, a counselling therapist on the West Rand, children who grow up in families where boundaries are uncertain simply don't learn to deal with disappointment. They become so used to getting their own way that they soon feel very uncomfortable with getting 'no' as an answer from anyone. As adults, they typically get into the negative cycle of taking any refusal or negative response from another person as a sign of personal rejection. "And," says Adri Vos, "they typically reach a point where they themselves find it very difficult to say 'no' to other people without experiencing feelings of intense quilt and self-doubt." Clearly, this is not a pretty picture.


Where do we need to draw lines in the sand?
There are certain True North guiding principles that apply to family boundaries. These rights and responsibilities are universal, regardless of culture and personal preferences. 

For example:

·  Everyone in the family has the right to recharge their batteries and fill their tanks - mommies and daddies too.

·  Everyone has the right to feel safe within a predictable routine.

·  Everyone’s needs are important, but no more important that anyone else’s needs.

·  Everyone’s physical needs should be met.

·  Everyone should be able to have fun in their home.

·  Every family should benefit from good parental relationships - which means that it's in everyone's best interest when mom and dad invest time and energy in their relationship.

·  Every family should have a healthy and consistent hierarchy.

 

Five steps to creating lasting boundaries

There are five important steps to creating lasting boundaries. Like weight-loss or beating an addiction, creating and maintaining boundaries is not easy.

1.       What is your motivation?

Why are boundaries important to you? Your convictions will be what keep you going. Do you truly believe you deserve to have time to recharge, are your needs for being spoken to in a respectful way ultimately important, etc.?

2.       Get over your fears of rejection

When you create boundaries you will certainly not please everyone, especially those closest to you. They may become frustrated and annoyed and you will need to make peace with this fact.

3.       Act quickly

Boundaries are not something that ‘grow’ in a kind of inverted weight-loss scenario. No… you need to set a boundary and it is either there or not there. And even by not having a boundary you are sending a message and setting a ‘non-boundary’ area where anything is acceptable.

4.       Your home is your haven

You need to be especially firm when it comes to your home and your personal space.

5.       React confidently

Finally, when your boundaries are pushed and pulled (as they will be), you need to act quickly and decisively to make sure there is no misunderstanding. It could be as simple as, “I am sorry that you got stuck in traffic, and next time Amy comes to visit please pack her pyjamas so that she can bath along with the rest of the children.” 

It’s in our nature

To look at a child is to understand that boundaries are part of our nature from the very beginning. A child is programmed to look for the routine - the sameness - in their environment in order to feel that sense of security and belonging. And as they get older and are allowed more freedom, they will push at every boundary, not to break it down but to ensure that it is there and strong… keeping them safe and secure inside.

The Practica Team
parents who know better, do better

To comment or to be added to the mailing list for blog updates please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

10 tips to boost speech & language development

Children are talking less. In fact, research in the UK points to a disturbing trend where half of all five-year-olds entering primary school are very far behind on their speech milestones. “Up to 300,000 [children] are struggling to string a sentence together or [aren’t able] to understand simple instructions by the age of five,” says the Daily Mail article penned by Sarah Harris. And, says Sarah, the main reason for this sad state of affairs is that today’s parents simply spend less time speaking to their children than the parents of yesteryear...

    This is all fine and well, but we’re beyond busy these days aren’t we? Just how can we fit more time into our days? The fact is, being a parent has always been a really tough job, but our parents didn’t have television ‘digital’ babysitters or battery operated decoys… They had to find a way to include us and engage us… The simplest way back then was through conversation. And parents today can do the same – for the sake of their children’s ability to speak and understand language.

   The good news is that there are 10 easy pointers that can amplify your efforts as you encourage your little one’s speech and language skills.

1.       Put yourself in your child’s shoes
What does your child want to talk about? What would be most important to your child in the different situations you find yourselves in? Your child is most likely to pay attention to what you say when you’re talking about something that interests him, albeit using simple language. On top of this, you can  learn a great deal about what your little one is thinking and feeling by looking at his facial expressions and his body language to see where he is focusing his attention.

2.       Make it meaningful and simple

Always start with the most natural and common use of a word possible.
  
   For example, start with ‘bird’ before progressing to ‘goose’ or ‘duck’.

3.       Get descriptive
Try not to just name things, but describe them too…

   For example, ‘see the shiny apple’ or ‘touch the cat softly’. And, instead of simply saying, “Put it over there”, you can say “Please put the fluffy cushion on the blue chair.” The more specific and descriptive our language is as we speak to children, the more they learn.

4.       Get real
While it remains  really important to read books with your child and point to pictures, language is often learned much quicker through actual experience. For example, it is much easier to learn the words ‘kick’ and ‘ball’ when you’re actually kicking a ball together.

5.       Make the most of everyday opportunities
This is really an easy one, because any toddler wants to be involved anyway.

   For example, let your child help you pack the washing machine and talk about ‘socks’, ‘pants’, and other clothes, or let them “help” you find things in the grocery store.

   It’s great to introduce children to new and novel experiences for obvious reasons, but everyday experiences are specifically valuable because they create the opportunity for children to learn through real life experience. It’s also easy to repeat these experiences over and over again.  

6.       Use gestures
Not only is it ok, it is actually great if you use gestures for certain words such as ‘hello’ (wave), ‘fetch the…’ (point), ‘sit on my lap’ (pat your lap) etc. You can also indicate when things are big or small with your hands or point if you want your child to climb over or under something. To add to the meaning as well, you can use your voice and facial expressions to indicate anger, sadness, sleepiness, happiness etc.

7.       Repetition, repetition, repetition
It is very important to emphasize and repeat the words you want your child to learn. Sometimes you may need to repeat something several times and sometimes a hundred times; it depends on the age of your child and the particular word.

   For example, you can emphasize the word whenever the moment arises and then repeat it immediately again, “It is time to bath. You like to bath. Let’s go bath!”

8.       Respond immediately
There is nothing like an instant response to tell a child that using language and speaking is important and valuable to them. When your child sees results, there will be more incentive for them to try and try again.

   For example, when you’re child points at a dog and says ‘dog’, you can respond by saying, ‘Yes… there is the dog! What do dogs say? Woof woof!’

9.       Practice makes perfect
At first your child will be approximating words and they may not be pronounced perfectly. This is just fine at first, so encourage your child to use the word without correcting the mistake and embarrassing your child.   Rather respond by using the word correctly in a sentence, for example, when your child points to a baby and says, “ba”, you can respond with, “Oh yes, a baby! Let’s say hello to the baby!”

10.   What words are not…
In order to learn what things are, your child also needs to know what they are not… It’s generally best to point out what something is before pointing out what it is not…

    For example, when you are playing with a ball you can use the ‘ball’ and then refer to a cube and say, ‘Is this a ball? No! Of course not! (and giggle) It’s a cube!’

   When research tells us that parents are spending more time watching television than in meaningful conversation with their children, it becomes concerning. Language is vitally important for a child’s intellectual development and being a parent is a lot like being a tour-guide to your child’s world.

   Talking to your children doesn’t have to mean dedicating more time that doesn’t actually exist – it just means switching off the television, getting them involved and making a little effort to talk to them – they will love it and so will you!

Remember, if your child can’t name it, he can’t claim it.

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better...

To comment or to be added to the mailing list for blog updates please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Asking and answering questions made simple

Image: www.lorenstow.co.za

Most parents can agree that it is incredibly frustrating when your baby or toddler wants something but can’t communicate what it is… You don’t know what to get them or do for them, and they get increasingly frantic… Another example is when you know that your child knows something, but when you ask them a question about it, all you get is a blank stare, like when you ask your child to show you the blue crayon and all of a sudden they can’t.

    With this in mind, we thought it would be fitting to do a post on how to teach your child to ask and answer questions. It is not as difficult as it sounds and is based firmly on encouraging your child to take part in his day-to-day activities while giving him a running commentary of what’s happening and why.

    Other than the obvious benefit of being able to understand what your child wants, teaching him how to ask to questions will also boost his confidence, help him to learn more about what’s going on around him in his world, and eventually increase his social skills.

Learning to ask

The process of teaching your child how to ask questions is, as with everything else, an on-going ‘dance’ that will continue well into adolescence, but you can get started from about the age of 21 months.

Question skills generally follow a typical order as follows:


2 yrs             Q: Yes/No     Eg: May I go?
2yrs              Q: What       Eg: What is this?
2 ½ yrs         Q: Where      Eg: Where is my shoe?
2 ½ - 3 yrs    Q: Who         Eg: Who is that?
4 – 5 yrs       Q: Why         Eg: Why is he crying?
4 – 5 yrs       Q: How         Eg: How did you make that?
5 – 6 yrs       Q: When       Eg: When is she coming?

“What” and “Where” questions develop first because at that stage a child is typically more interested in the names and locations of various things in their world. The “Why” and “How” questions develop from age four because this is when children start to think in more abstract terms. And the “When” questions develop after a child has learned a concept of time.

Why do some children struggle to ask questions?

There could be three reasons, and if your child is struggling at all it may be a good idea to see which area could use some attention. In order to ask a question your child needs to:

1. Know how to put words together to form questions
2. Have the thinking skills to think of something to ask
3. Trust that the other person is going to react positively

Encourage your child to ask questions

• You can start by modelling the behaviour and showing your child how people think about certain things, and then answer your own questions, for example “What is this? A feather!” or “What are we going to do next? Close the door!”

• Give your full attention when your child is asking a question, get down to their eye level and be patient, allowing enough time for the question to be asked.

• Answer your child’s questions – when you do this your child knows that they have been successful and their self-confidence is boosted.

• If you don’t understand the question, ask your child to repeat it or to try and show you. If your child hasn’t asked correctly or hasn’t used words, repeat their question in a simple, correct way and then answer it. For example, if your child points at their juice on the table you can say, “You want your juice? Here, mommy will get your juice for you.”

Learning to answer

The ability to answer questions develops at roughly the same rate as the ability to ask questions, and it’s a good idea to meet your child where they are at. So, if your child is asking “Why” questions, then you can assume that he can answer “Why” questions as well.

    The best time to ask questions is when you and your child are engrossed in an activity together. Wait and watch your child and see what his attention is on, and then ask a question about that. Make sure you have your child’s full attention before asking the question and allow your child some time to answer the question, creating a calm and accepting atmosphere.

    As a parent, it’s important to ask your child questions, but don’t overdo it and become like 00-Mom/Dad… It is all too easy to dominate the conversation. Try using questions to discover what your child is thinking and what he knows so that you know how to relate to him, rather than turning the conversation into a test or a lesson.

    And don’t forget, questions like “You know what?” are your child’s way of getting your attention so that they can share something with you – so respond with interest and love, and most of all have fun!

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better


Comments? Suggestions? Or simply want to be added to the emailed updates? Contact lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Inspirational Quote

As parents we are facing a time in history where the role of the parent is being downplayed by the advent of technology to make your life easier. You can buy a machine to make and freeze baby food, a chair that rocks your baby for you, a weighted pillow in the shape of a hand that mimics your hand on your baby's sleeping body, books where you can record your voice reading to your child...

These products all have one thing in common - but by promising to make the parent's life easier by 'taking the parent's place' what they are actually saying is that a parent's role is so unimportant that a clever design and set of batteries can replace it.

This, thankfully, is not true. Nothing can take your place. Nothing can be invented or designed to offer what a real, and loving, parent can.

With this in mind is today's inspirational quote - because you really matter to your children!

Image: Loren Stow http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

"No one has more potential to influence your child than you. We need to remember that our influence has more to do with our relationships with our children than it does our skills as parents."

- Reggie Joinuer & Carey Nieuwof

The Practica Team

parents who know better... do better