A few tips from Lizette - 5 Things I have learnt over the years about disciplining children

“A true hero is not someone who thinks about doing what is right, but one that simply does what is right without thinking!” -Kevin Heath 

With this in mind, I thought I’d share five things that I have learnt over the years about disciplining children:

1. Be the kind of person that you want your child to become. Your child learns far more from your example (what you do) than from your convictions(how you tell them to behave and what you say you believe).

2. Ask advice. You may think you know how to raise your child because you were a child once. You don’t. You and your child most likely share a different combination of temperaments compared to what you've shared with your own parents. More importantly, you are raising a child in a totally different time. Your child is exposed to so much more than you were when you were his age. If you think it was difficult finding ‘True North’ when you were a child and a teenager, imagine how difficult it’s going to be for your child to find it living in a time where there are hundreds of different maps. Parenting isn't as simple as it used to be. Get help.

3. Invest time in training. Never tire of setting up situations where you can use positive and negative consequences to help shape your child’s thoughts, habits and character. Make the most of every opportunity. There’s no other way. No short cut. Just do it.

4. Laugh a lot. Don’t laugh when your child does something that is unacceptable – it confuses them. Don’t make jokes at their expense and never laugh at your child when he is embarrassed. At any other time, make jokes – even when you don’t really feel like it. Keep things light. If needed, Google “jokes for children”, jot a few lines down on paper and keep the notes in your handbag. See laughter as sunlight and discipline as water. Together they make things grow. It’s amazing how much easier it is for a child to be corrected by a parent that he even more often shares a laugh with.

5. Recognize that you are shaping both a heart and a relationship. In the end you will be able to count yourself successful if you end up with two things: (1) an adult child who knows his way when he gets to a fork in the road, and mostly simply does what is right without thinking and (2) an adult child who wants to spend time with you because he respects you and values your opinion. Don’t be weak. Don’t be lazy. You are in a race against time. Your child doesn't need another friend. He needs a parent.

With love,
Lizette van Huyssteen
Founder of the Practica Program

When we know better... we do better

Inspiring Quote

"What you cannot enforce, do not command." Sophocles

When we know better... we do better

How to arm yourself for parenting in public

Image: www.positiveparentingsolutions.com

It’s murphy’s law that as soon as you come across another mother of four amazing, well-behaved children in the isles of Woolies, floating along on an aura of complete calm and composure... your (*ahem*... quiet and reserved) toddler will have a complete temper tantrum over the fact that you will not let them have the entire sweet shelf to themselves… What do you do? How do you cope with such a moment, especially in the face of everyone in the shop who have obviously noticed your debacle, and yet pretend not to as they rubberneck like they're passing an accident on the N1 in peak hour…

Lizette offers four ways in which to prepare for, and react to such a situation, as well as an awesome tip for parents of slightly older toddlers and young children.

1. Prepare your children
The first key is prepare your child in advance and to explain exactly what you expect from them.
    Using our Woolies example, you could say “We are going to Woolies and mommy wants you to sit quietly in the trolley and help me find all the groceries. Mommy doesn’t want you to be naughty, because if you are, then mommy will have to give you time-out when we get home. But if you’re good for mommy, you can choose one sweet when we get to the till.”
   This prepares your child for what is going to happen and how you expect them to behave.

2. Always put your child’s needs first
Although it may be tempting to try and hush over a moment where your child oversteps the boundaries that you laid out in point one, you need to keep your child’s need for your guidance and discipline at the top of your priority list.
   You will need to act swiftly and with conviction, despite what you think other’s may be thinking of you, your child or the (rather embarrassing) situation.

3. Never embarrass your child socially
While, in the heat of the moment, some parents may be tempted to scream, shout and perform, just so that all the other people (read: spectators) can see that they mean business and that they’re not the kind of parents whose kids walk all over them, do not do this.
    It is very important that you do not embarrass your child in a social setting. Take them aside and talk sternly to them about the situation, in a way that does not draw attention to them and in a way that they understand that you respect their feelings.

4. Be consistent
As with any form of behaviour direction, consistency is key. If you say you’re going to go straight home after Woolies, don’t be surprised when your children have a meltdown when you quickly decide to make a last-minute stop at Clicks too. Stick to your story. The same applies for discipline. If you say that you will discipline your child for screaming or throwing a tantrum in the store, then do this in a discreet and respectful way.

Great Tip (from age 2.5 to 8 years)
A wonderful idea for taking your empty threats and turning them into concrete results, especially when you’re out and about with your children, is to carry a black marker in your bag. When your child misbehaves or oversteps their boundaries, and you pull them aside for a respectful word, you simply mark their hand with a circle. You explain to them, and they will soon learn, that this mark means that when you get home they will be disciplined as agreed – e.g. time-out, loss of a privilege, or whatever works in your household.
    This little black mark is a tangible reminder to your child that they have misbehaved and will have to face the consequence for their actions, but does not embarrass them or cause undue stress while you’re in a public place.

We hope that these pointers and the tip will go a long way towards making outings more fun for your family!

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

How to discipline your child - part 5

Let’s set a scene that I am sure many parents have experienced before… It’s Monday evening, and after a long and stressful day you’re trying to prepare dinner or are tidying the house before bedtime. Your toddler is nagging behind you. You do not have the energy for confrontation, so you’re hoping they will forget what they wanted and wander off and occupy themselves for five minutes. The next thing you realize it is five minutes later and their nagging has reached a crescendo that you just cannot handle.

    Kaboom!

    You explode in an emotionally-charged outburst that you can barely contain, leaving your toddler shocked, and you feeling completely guilt-ridden.

    It happens... more often than you think and to more parents than would like to admit it. And that is why we have written this very important installment in our ‘discipline workshop’. The most influential person in the discipline-equation, the only one who is able to make it or break it, is you – the parent.

    That is why it is important to protect yourself emotionally; so that you can have a better shot at remaining calm and collected when it comes to your boundary-pushing toddler.

HOW TO DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILD

Pearl of Wisdom #5

Act from conviction and not from emotion – to keep your emotions from boiling over

When you realize that discipline is just like brushing your teeth or taking out the garbage – something you don’t particularly love to do, but something that is necessary to a balanced life – then it becomes simply another tool in your life. Before you know it you will be able to act out the conviction that training your child is an important and necessary duty, and you will no longer find yourself in situations where you have been ‘pushed to the brink’.

Boundaries are vital

The first step is to keep your boundaries and rules clear and ‘close’. By that we mean that it will help a great deal to take the time beforehand to decide what your boundaries are, and consider whether they protect you emotionally, as they should. The idea is to act before you get angry – when your child oversteps the line the first time. That’s what it means to have ‘close’ boundaries.


Anger is not necessary

The second step is to discover that, contrary to popular belief, a parent doesn’t have to be angry or pretend to be angry to be taken seriously. You don’t have to wait until you’re all worked-up to have the energy and forcefulness you need to get your child to respect you. You don’t need anger. It doesn’t serve you. In fact, you should try your utmost to never be angry when you discipline your child. Effective discipline comes from a place of calm conviction.

    When parents rely on anger to be their ‘partner’ in the act, their child typically puts two and two together and discovers that their parent’s bad moods are often directly related to something that they have done. This leaves them feeling as if they are responsible for their parent’s happiness. This is simply not true, and not something that a child can carry on their shoulders – it is an unfair burden.


Break the anger-discipline-guilt cycle

If you are in a cycle of anger-discipline-guilt, and cannot seem to escape it, it is sometimes effective to behave as you would like to, even if you are not feeling it at that moment. Start by setting up clear boundaries that are ‘close’ enough. Then uphold your boundaries gracefully by acting immediately and calmly when your child oversteps them – even when you’re not feeling as if the time is yet right to act. Ask yourself, “When would be a good time to take action – when I have been pushed too far?”

    There is a well-known notion that if you smile when you’re down, the smile itself will lift your spirits. Similarly, practice this ‘character script’ for a few days, as it’s the most ideal way to change the way you feel and think about discipline:

    Imagine your child being very cooperative, and then overstepping a boundary. Visualize how you say to him (or feel in your heart): “I know you’re frustrated, or upset. I know that you will make mistakes and test boundaries. It’s part of my job as your parent to guide and protect you, so that you can learn and we can grow through this together. I want you to know that I don’t see your childlike behaviors as a crisis or a problem. Look at me, I’m fine and happy, I’m still having a great day. It’s OK that you’re a child. And I am OK. Don’t worry about me.”

    Truly one of the greatest gifts that we as parents can give our children is to take back the burden of guilt that we have unintentionally placed on their shoulders through waiting to act until we are at breaking point.

Words: Loren Stowwhen we know better... we do better


Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

How to discipline your child - part 4

Picture: www.maxabellaloves.blogspot.com

In our last post, we discussed how words alone are simply not an effective means of discipline. This is because a small child’s world is based on their immediate and physical experience. Words alone own will not change a young child’s behaviour.

    However, words are very important when it comes to explaining just why the cookie is crumbling in the way that it is, so to speak…. With this in mind, the question that many parents have is, “What should I say while I discipline my child – and what not?”

HOW TO DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILD

Pearl of Wisdom #4

Words must be used wisely – they make a huge difference

DON’T habitually say ‘no’ or ‘stop that’ without any explanation:

When your default-response-setting is on ‘no’ or ‘stop that’, your child is robbed of a valuable learning experience in the discipline process. In addition, any sane person (children included) will eventually just ‘switch off’ to those repetitive words, rendering them completely meaningless and ineffective.


DON’T say something that ‘labels’ or ‘belittles’ your child:

Words are powerful tools for building up or breaking down a child’s spirit, and the way in which you describe your child forms his self-image, which is still tenderly developing. What you say about your child will become who and what they believe they are – and we all know that kicking the dog does not mean that your child is a terrible person, just someone who is need of parental guidance.

    So always talk with, and about, your child as if he is able to choose how he wants to act. Being disobedient or stepping out of line is something that he has chosen to DO, it’s not something that he has BECOME. In other words, rather say, “I don’t like the way you are acting right now” or “I don’t like the way I feel when you talk to me like that”, instead of, “You’re naughty” or “You’re rude”.


DO say what you don’t want, and then add what you do want:

When your child does something that you don’t want him to do, follow this recipe:

FIRST state what you don’t want them to do and why

SECOND state (and demonstrate if you can) what you do want them to do and why

For example, when my son hits his little brother I will say, “Don’t hit your brother. It hurts him and he doesn’t like that! I want you to touch him gently. Like this. See, he likes it when you touch him that way.”


DO let you child know that you understand that he is upset:

When your child is upset because he isn’t getting something he desperately wants, follow this recipe from Ann Richardson’s book Toddler Sense (Metz Press, 2010):

Acknowledge and name the feeling

Mirror the feeling

Explain why

For example, if your child wants to watch TV after bedtime, you could say “I know you are feeling angry because you can’t watch TV, I would feel angry if I were you too, but it is time for bed and TV time is over.”

    To summarise, words alone do not make an effective discipline routine. However they are important tools with which to decode your child’s behavioural experiences in a simple, effective and respectful way. And that’s enough words from us for now!

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

How to discipline your child - part 3

We often hear how children are referred to as ‘little adults’. However, while our children deserve the same respect and love that any adult does, they are not adults… by a long shot.

    Young children live in a world that is very different from ours. While we live in our heads, in the past, in the future, making plans and negotiating our way through the social networks that we create, young children live completely in the present moment, guided primarily by their senses.

    They are engrossed with what is right in front of them, and they respond to their environment from moment to moment, as they take in the world through their bodies.


HOW TO DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILD

 

Pearl of Wisdom #3:

Understand your child’s world – make a real difference

Because children understand and react to the world in a way that is different to adults, it would only make sense that we meet them where they are. Otherwise, our attempts to discipline them could backfire in many ways.

Physically get your child’s attention

When disciplining and communicating with your young child, it is most effective to enter their world in a very physical way. By this we mean that you need to help focus your child’s attention, so it makes sense to literally move into their personal space. Use your body to come down to their level so that you can look them in the eye as you speak. This helps them to focus on what you want to explain to them about their behaviour. You can even hold their hands or gently direct their face to look at you to emphasize your presence and the significance of the moment.

    Talking to them from across the room will most likely not even register on their radar, as their world is made of primarily of what immediately surrounds them. See this first step as a moment of closeness and of sharing knowledge with them. The goal is not to intimidate – you are simply entering their space in order to get their full attention.

Act immediately to help them to form associations

Discipline is first and foremost a way of training. It’s about forming associations – positive behaviour with positive responses and negative behaviour with negative consequences. The best way in which to assist your child to form these helpful associations is by acting immediately.

    Young children live in the present moment, not in five minutes time and definitely not ‘later when dad gets home’. In fact, if you want to teach your child not to climb onto the table, it is best to discipline your child when they are actually in the act or on the table. Or if you want to teach your child not to hit the dog, it is best to teach them when their hand is actually still on the dog! This helps them to form the association between their actual behaviour and negative consequence.

    Similarly, when your child is doing something positive like sharing toys or food with you or somebody else, reward him immediately by whispering “way to share” in his ear or even just bestowing an approving nod and a smile on him.

React in a physical way

The result of living in the present moment, with mostly their immediate surroundings as their ‘only world’ for that time, is that it is only natural that young children learn through their bodies – steered by how things smell, look, feel, taste, sound and move.

    They are still learning to understand the abstract social and moral concepts that adults adhere to. This is why discipline needs to be a physical experience for them.

    Negative consequences have to be real: removing them from the table that they’re climbing, putting them in time out, or calmly but firmly removing a toy or a plate of food when a child is being destructive with it. Threats, arguments and accusations are not “real” to young children – from their point of reference all that talking is just scary noise.

Teach in a physical way

Parenting is always easier when one focuses more on being more pro-active (thinking ahead) as opposed to being reactive. So, instead of waiting for your child to misbehave before jumping into action, show them ahead of time how you would like them to act and behave, by physically demonstrating what acceptable behaviour looks like.

    Spend lots of time playing and doing everyday things with them: show them how to stroke the cat softly, or how to push their toy cars and make a ‘brrrr’ noise instead of throwing it out the front door (all the while using words to describe the experience).

    Children are first-rate imitators and they truly flourish when they have something concrete to imitate. (One of the great things about having a Practica Program in the house is that it makes it so much easier to pick age-appropriate games and create positive teaching opportunities at every age from birth to seven years of age.)

To summarize, when it comes to discipline for a young child under five, actions really do speak louder than words. Words alone will never effectively change their behavior. Words are very important to decode your child’s experiences and help them to understand the detail of what is happening, but they are simply not effective without you physically getting your child’s full attention. This requires acting immediately, creating some kind of physical consequence that your child can associate with negative behavior, and teaching and demonstrating appropriate behavior in a real and physical way.

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

How to discipline your child - part 2



Picture: http://www.schuitema.co.za/

 You’ve heard it before – every single piece of literature on discipline contains the word ‘consistency’. Yet it is something that is surprisingly difficult to achieve ... and many people wonder how important it is anyway?

The answer is that consistency is more important than most parents realize. In fact, if you cannot provide it in your discipline routine, research suggests you should rather discard discipline altogether. Why? Because a lack of consistency doesn't only confuse your child - it actually reinforces bad behaviour!

Imagine for a moment your favourite pastime – it could be playing Bingo, golf, fishing, gambling, scrap booking, video games or checking your Facebook page. Research suggests that these popular pastimes can turn into 'addictions' due to what is called the 'partial reinforcement effect'. In laymen’s terms, it refers to the fact that these activities reward those who engage in them in random, unpredictable ways, and so they become very addictive. You keep going back for more because you are never guaranteed the same outcome. It's exciting in a frustrating way, and these experiences actually condition you to want more and more.

Now, apply the same principles to your child. When you react in random, unpredictable ways when your child does things that are unacceptable, it's only natural that he or she is will also over time become ‘addicted’ to the game of ‘what will mommy or daddy do this time?’.

To top it all off, children have such a profound need for consistency in their lives that they, without fail, respond to unpredictable parenting by becoming deeply insecure and fearful. They are then driven to act like little tyrants as they almost feverishly repeat the same behaviour in an untiring effort to 'crack the hidden code' of the household they live in. Their innate sense of surival compels them to experiment over and over again as they try to find some kind of pattern or sense of predictability in their parents' reactions.

This potent mix of survival instinct, fear and excitement is what makes people addicted to extreme sports like sky-diving, base-jumping, swimming with sharks etc. If this mix creates a drive in people that is so strong that it motivates adults to risk their very lives - imagine how easily a child is swept away by it.  

HOW TO DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILD

Pearl of Wisdom #2:

Discipline is about consistency – the key to forming associations

When parents consistently reinforce good behaviour with positive responses and link negative behaviour with negative outcomes, their children eventually learn to associate various ways of acting with 'good' or 'bad' consequences. As a result, they really DO crack the 'hidden code' of the household that they live in. Knowing that they can largely predict their parents' reactions in most situations leaves children confident and secure. Consistency leads to associations, which leads to security.

Plain. And. Simple.

What does this mean practically?

• Consistency requires the same reaction to the same behaviour every single time. In other words – if you’ve decided that hitting requires a warning followed by a time-out and persistent nagging requires that play time comes to an end, don't switch that up the next day.

 • Consistency requires that you choose ways of disciplining your child that you can apply once or one-hundred times a day without getting so tired and emotionally drained that you end up losing self-control or throwing in the towel. In fact, repetition is the cornerstone of training - so we can just as well make peace with it.

 • Consistency means that you start off the way you’d like to continue. In other words – don't let your children get away with certain behaviours when they’re younger, and then expect them to understand why they can’t do it later on.

• Consistency is a team-effort. Ideally, all the key persons in your child's life should be pretty much on the same page regarding which discipline-action is taken when specific boundaries are overstepped, as well as which positive behaviours should be rewarded and how. 
 

The important thing to remember when it comes to consistency is that without it, your discipline routine simply will not work as expected. In fact, it will most likely do more harm than good. Because of this, it is better to have a few rules, that you are capable of consistently following-through on, rather than many rules that you cannot be consistent about.

We cannot have a post about consistency without also reminding you about the power of consistently rewarding positive behaviour – a pat on the back, an approving look and a bit of real and honest validation from you are the most powerful incentives for your child to repeat desirable actions.

So, it is best to count the cost with regards to your discipline routine with your child. The importance of being able to offer consistency will mean that at least in the beginning, until your child starts to form negative or positive associations with their actions, a massive amount of energy will be required on your part. Ask yourself… are you up to it? If not, rather prepare yourself sufficiently and then begin, when you have the courage of your convictions behind you.

Words: Loren Stow

when we know better... we do better

Comments? Email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za.

How to discipline your child - part 1

Picture: www.thompsonblogs.org

For most parents, there is nothing so tiring or so challenging as discipline. We know we must do it, we know our children need and deserve boundaries, but the act of enforcing discipline often leaves parents feeling bad, frustrated, insecure and unsure.

As with many things in life, there are “different strokes for different folks” and “what works for one child may not work for another”. Consequently, there are many opinions and various discipline styles to choose from. What works in a specific household seems to be influenced by a number of factors, including the culture, lifestyle and routines of the family, the unique temperaments of all the individuals in the equation and the ages of the children. No wonder parents are apprehensive to commit to certain “methods”!

However, developing a disciplinary style is not something that can be done at a parent’s leisure. Hopping from one method to the next can only serve to confuse and unnerve everybody involved. Talk about pressure…

Consequently, we are very cautious as we tackle this topic. We most certainly don’t want to add to the confusion by offering more information about various methods, or a one-size-fits-all solution. Instead, we believe that we will serve you better by giving you a better understanding of what discipline is all about – by sharing fundamental truths with you that will make it easier for you to make informed decisions and move forward with the conviction needed to see your discipline routine through.

This is the first of several posts on discipline, a “mini-workshop” if you like, offering you an in depth look at discipline over the coming few weeks. That way you will have enough time to get a new concept under your skin before moving on the next.

Just so you know what to expect, here’s our first little pearl of wisdom:


HOW TO DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILD

Pearl of Wisdom #1:

Discipline is about training – not about passing a judgement

“But he doesn’t know what he’s doing...” is a common response from parents who struggle to discipline their child. Many parents believe that they should only discipline a child when they are sure that he is “guilty”. They view their discipline as a “judgement” in response to a “transgression”.

Consequently, they don’t feel comfortable with discipline while a child is still too young to understand that a certain way of behaving is unacceptable. They have a constant nagging feeling in the pit of their stomachs that they’re being unfair and unreasonable.

The problem with this very common (and understandable) way of thinking is that a child who is not disciplined consistently and confidently from the last quarter of first year of life onwards, is not likely to have a well developed sense of right and wrong by the time he will be expected to have that foundation of understanding. And it is far more difficult to back-track and try to re-train an older child.


A better way:

Instead of viewing discipline as “passing a judgement”, rather think of it as “training a child in the way that he should go”. Young children live in the moment. They don’t think in words, they don’t form or understand abstract ideas or have “pictures” in their minds of the way that things should be, and they sure don’t understand the concepts of “intent” or “guilt”.

We train little children by simply creating positive or negative associations in their minds: when a certain way of behaving consistently brings about a positive consequence, the child learns to repeat that behaviour, and conversely – when a specific action or behaviour consistently leads to some or other negative consequence – the child learns to refrain from repeating that action. It’s that simple.

So, when a ten month old baby hurts you by pulling your hair, it’s not unfair to react in a negative way with a clear and stern “No, that hurts Mommy!”. Then switch back to being your old friendly self and divert the child’s attention to something else by saying something like, “Let’s go see if the washing machine is spinning.” It’s a simple matter of training by creating associations. And you need to make peace with the fact that it takes time: you will need to repeat your tactics over and over again and be consistent – without getting upset or personal - until your child reaches the point where he or she will naturally start to feel uncomfortable with acting in certain ways.

Discipline is never about passing judgement – not even when dealing with older children, who naturally DO understand when they’re doing something wrong. The training element is always on the forefront. In fact, the word ‘discipline’ actually stems from the word ‘disciple’ (which has connotations of teaching and learning), so it’s always a method of guidance.

When you discipline an older child correctly he should be getting an empathetic message from your tone of voice and your expression that says: ‘what you are doing is not going to serve you over the long haul, rather do it this way.’

If this post speaks to you, changing your way of thinking may make a huge difference in your quality of life as a parent. When a parent stops feeling torn between the responsibility to discipline and the feelings of guilt that go along with “being the judge and jury”, it suddenly becomes much easier to stay calm and be consistent. And children of all ages respond much better to discipline when their parents feel good about what’s happening. No loving parent likes to judge – and no child likes to be judged. The good news is that we don’t have to go that route.

So, try the concept of non-judgemental discipline on for the next few days and see if it makes a difference to you. Good luck!




when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za