Healthy Praise - 3 Practical Tips



Image: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/


In our last post, we discussed how not all praise is equal. In fact, if praise were like food, some praise is like the finest organic fruit and vegetables, while other praise is like junk food which is plain unhealthy and even harmful (if you missed the post, go here).

However, there is so much research out there on the effects of praise, that we took the opportunity to sift through much of it for you and bring you the three most important things to remember when praising your children.

We believe that knowledge is all fine and well, but we need to find a way to apply it to our lives in a practical way, otherwise it can just become another 'burden' that weighs us, as parents, down.

We really hope these tips, which are based on real studies, will help you to see how to use praise in the way that we know it is intended - as a tool to nurture and grow our children's abilities and talents.

Praising Tip #1

DO praise your children for things that are within their power to change.

Praise your child for good manners, working hard, persevering at a task, for thinking of clever ways to solve a problem, for being a team player, for treating others with respect, following instructions, doing more than what was expected and other good choices that your child makes. By praising your child for things that are within his power to change, you are communicating to him that he has the power to make the right choices and that his efforts are recognised.

DO NOT praise your child by telling him how smart or talented he is.

It is not healthy to respond to your child's successes by saying, "Look how SMART you are!"

Children easily get the idea that adults observe them from a distance, rating how they fare at certain tasks, with the goal of stereotyping into little boxes marked with signs like 'genius', 'above-average', 'average' and 'stupid', and it scares them. What if they are confronted with something they can't do? Will adults see their failure as a sign that they are not as smart as they once thought? Will a mistake lead to a loss of love or respect?

These children don't want to risk loosing their little 'gifted' tags that have been hung around their necks and as a result they avoid challenges (Mueller and Dweck 1998).

Praising Tip #2

DO be sincere and specific

Wait for a real opportunity to praise your child. Then be specific and give information about what impressed you, for example "This picture is my favourite. I like how you took your time and used many different colours."

Keep in mind that, by giving information about what you appreciate, you are conveying a standard that is shaping how your child will act in future. So be careful to set reasonable standards and not unintentionally inhibit your child with your comments. If you would, for instance, always say that you like  a picture because he used blue and green, then he may never use orange and red again!

DO NOT praise in a way that is overenthusiastic or undeserved

Very young children will likely take a parent's praise at face value, but older children are a different story. As children mature, from about the age of 3-4, they become aware a parent's possible motives for praising them, and they respond negatively to insincere praise.

When you praise a child in a situation where they feel that they didn't really deserve the recognition, they may feel that you think they are in need of encouragement and that you are praising them because you feel sorry for them (Meyer 1992).

A child may also feel as though you are trying to be manipulative, or that you don't really understand them (Henderlong and Lepper 2002).

Praising Tip #3

DO focus on your child as an individual

Be truly interested and involved in a child's personal interests, growth and successes, regardless of what other children are like, do or achieve. Praise a child when he does something right or masters something, and not for outperforming other children.

DO NOT use praise that compares your child to others

Children who are praised for outperforming others initially respond well by trying hard to make their parents proud. However, they become so focused on winning that they don't learn to enjoy the activity itself, and when they no longer win, they loose interest.

Many of these children also react by avoiding challenges, because they have a real fear of not being the best. This kind of praise doesn't prepare them for coping with failure and it doesn't teach them making mistakes is an important and valuable part of learning (Elliot and Dweck 1988).

References:
Mueller CM and Dweck CS. 1998. Praise for intelligence can undermine children’s motivation and performance. Journal for Personality and Social Psychology 75(1): 33-52

Meyer W.-U. 1992. Paradoxical effects of praise and criticism on perceived ability. In: W. Strobe and M. Hewstone (eds): European review of social psychology, volume 3. Chichester, England: Wiley.

Henderlong J and Lepper MR. 2002. The effects of praise on children’s intrinsic motivation: A review and synthesis. Psychological Bulletin 128(5): 774-795.

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

When Praise is Harmful



Image: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

 As a parent, I want to raise my children in a way that celebrates who they are and what they achieve. I want them to know that they have a special place in the world and that the world is truly a better place because they are in it.

I feel this way so strongly that sometimes when I think of how much I love my children, and how much I want them to understand that they are special - my heart actually constricts for a moment... fluttering in anticipation for their future.

I don't think I am alone on this one - I think that most parents feel this way about their children. One way in which we try to give our children this positive message is through praise. Contrary to three or four generations ago, when children 'were seen and not heard', in today's world, we praise our children as diligently as we feed and bath them - it is a 'staple food' in our daily emotional diet.

However, just like not all foods are healthy, not all kinds of praise are healthy either. Certain kinds of praise are like junk food, filled with empty calories, while other kinds of praise are like smorgasbords of finest organic fruits and vegetables, packed with healthy nutrients.

What is “junk food praise” and why is it unhealthy?

One example of junk food praise is when our praise labels our children. Remember that any label (positive or negative) can be damaging, because it shapes how a child views himself and the world. “But...” I hear you say... “isn't a 'positive label' good for self-concept?” No. Not always.

For example, if your child completes a puzzle and you say proudly, "oh you're so clever!" you are effectively labelling your child as clever. What happens then is interesting, because instead of having a positive effect, your child actually starts to become fearful of living up to this expectation of 'cleverness'.

They become afraid of trying something that they just might not succeed in, lest they be 'caught out' and no longer be considered as clever. Because, you see, after hearing it enough times they start to equate their 'cleverness' with your love - in other words, mommy and daddy love them because they're clever.

What is “organic praise” and why is it healthy?

Using the same example, a healthy response to a finished puzzle could be, "Well done for completing the puzzle! I have noticed that you started with the corners today. That worked well. Good plan" or “I saw you enjoyed that puzzle and worked hard at it. Way to go!”

By giving this kind of practical feedback, you are effectively telling your child that his efforts and choices are noticed and valuable. He is a capable human being who can achieve things when he applies himself. Working hard can be fun and, at times, having a good time is a good reason in itself to do things!

When you give practical feedback, your child needn't be afraid of living up to any passive 'label' bestowed on him by forces outside his sphere of influence. The focus is on what he does and chooses – two things that he can control. As a result, he will be more willing to try new and more difficult things. He is given the message that 'we enjoy watching you develop and make choices’ instead of ‘how lucky we are that you are so smart.’

This gives your child the security of knowing that your love and approval are not dependent on his success. Because let’s face it, all people and our children included, will face their fair share of failures.

After all, being successful has nothing to do with avoiding failure with a big old ‘clever-label’ around your neck. On the contrary, it’s about learning the lessons that you need to learn from your own fair share of ups and downs - so that you can get to a place where you are truly leading a life that you love.

A fascinating bit of research:

In her article entitled The Perils and Promises of Praise, American psychologist Dr Carol Dweck, who has studied student motivation for 35 years, explains that the way in which children view their own intelligence is closely linked to how they are praised (Dweck 1999, 2006).

In one of her studies, a group of 5th grade children were all given a task to complete, and then one group of them was praised for their intelligence only ("You must be smart at these problems"), while the second group was praised for their effort ("You must have worked hard at these problems").

The researchers then asked a question that each child had to agree or disagree with - "Your intelligence is something basic about you that you cannot really change.” Children praised for their intelligence agreed more with this statement than children who were praised for their efforts!

The children were also asked to define intelligence, and once again, the children praised for intelligence made more reference to it being a fixed and innate capacity, while children praised for their effort made references to effort and learning.

The children were then given the option of working on a task that was challenging or a task that guaranteed an error-free performance. Most of the children praised for intelligence opted for the easy task, while most children praised for effort opted for the challenging task.

Next, the children were given a challenging task to complete, on a whole the children who were praised for their intelligence lost their confidence as soon as it became difficult, because they equated success with 'cleverness' and if they were struggling, then it meant that they were not clever... The other group who were praised for their effort on the whole remained confident and eager.

Finally, when the children were asked to hand in their scores (anonymously), almost 40% of the intelligence-praised children lied, because their feelings of self-worth were so wrapped up in their performance that they couldn't admit to mistakes. Only 10% of the effort-praised children falsified their results. (I have to admit that I’m a bit taken aback by the fact that so many of them actually lied!)

"Praising children for their intelligence, then, hands them not motivation and resilience but a fixed mind-set with all its vulnerability. In contrast, effort or 'process' praise (praise for engagement, perseverance, strategies, improvement, and the like) fosters hardy motivation. It tells children what they've done to be successful and what they need to do to be successful again in the future," says Dr Dweck.

What to make of this?

We believe we are all praising our children from our hearts and with the best intentions. But, as always, parents who know better do better. That is why we have written about this, because many parents would never guess that something as well-intentioned as telling their child that he is clever can have such a far reaching impact.

In our next post, we will give you 3 practical tips on how to avoid the wrong the kinds of praise by replacing them with the right kinds of praise. Until then, let’s just play it safe and follow the advice of Kenneth Blanchard, author of the The One Minute Manager: catch them doing things right. When your children do things that legitimately warrant praise from you, give practical feedback on what they have done right and the good choices that they have made.

And don’t forget to tell them that you’re so thankful that they were born. I can’t imagine that that could ever back-fire?

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better
Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za


*Practica Parents: All the activities in the Practica Program obviously give Practica kids more opportunities than most children to do things that call for praise from parents. I can imagine that it’s going to take some practice to think of things to say that are practical and relevant – it just used to be so much easier to sincerely respond with “you’re so smart” to everything! But it cannot be too difficult. If our kids can learn new things – so can we!

How to Talk to Build Your Child's Spirit

Photography: Loren Stow

The words we choose to use when communicating with our loved ones have a profound impact on them and the atmosphere in your home. But sometimes it is difficult to know the 'best' way to phrase something, or how to give constructive criticism without hurting those we love.

When it comes to our children, so much of our communication is in the form of giving instructions or direction, and this can be tricky, because we want to build our little ones up, instead of having them feel as though their efforts are not good enough.

We also want to teach our children how to communicate in a caring and respectful way - and they are going to learn this from the way in which we talk to them day in and day out.



With this in mind, we thought it would be helpful to remember the following tips to encourage loving communication.

In general communication with your child, remember the following two points:

1. Validate your child's emotions - "I understand you are frustrated. but we don't hit other children," rather than "Why did you hit Johnny?" or "I know that your head must hurt after falling," rather than "You're a big boy, and big boys don't cry."

2. Avoid making negative statements - "Can I help you get that?", rather than "You're too small to reach that". It is unnecessary to mention anything to your child that is not encouraging.

When correcting your child, remember the following three points:

 1. Make statements instead of giving instructions - "We eat with our spoons", rather than "I want you to use your spoon" or "we don't hit others", rather than "don't hit others". This kind of instruction is a neutral statement of the 'how things are done in the world' and not a judgement or demand.

2. Give reasons for your rules, rather than demand unquestioned obedience - "Share your toys with your brother because he'd like to play too," rather than "Share your toys," or "we don't hit the dog because it hurts him," rather than "Don't hit the dog."

3. Explain what to do instead of what not to do - "Lets tidy your toys," rather than "Stop making a mess" or "Let's touch the cat softly (demonstrate)," rather than "Stop hitting the cat."

When giving your child directions or instructions, remember the following two points:

1. Be specific and share the details - "Finish all your food please," rather than "I want you to eat dinner nicely" or "I love the colours you used in your picture," rather than "Pretty picture."

2. Demonstrate what you're trying to say - "We hold our cup with both hands (demonstrate) so that we don't spill", rather than "Hold your cup nicely."

When we communicate in a way that doesn't judge or make demands, we are teaching our children a more loving and more peaceful way to be in the world. All the tips may seem too much to remember, so try applying one a week and slowly work your way through all of them - pretty soon it will become second nature!

These tips, if applied, can make a real difference to the atmosphere and energy in your home and family - building your child's spirit along the way.

Words: Loren Stow

when we know better... we do better

*Practica Parents: Since you are spending so much valuable time with your children with all the Practica Activities that you have available - it is especially important to give attention to the way in which you communicate with your child when you give instructions and feedback. The key is to build your child's self esteem.

If you would like to receive email updates please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

"N" is for Naming-The-World

Photography - Loren Stow

You know it's important to give your baby the names for things (like dog, cat, bath, water, ball etc), and that when they reach toddler-hood they literally demand the names for things... but you're not to sure why this is so important and how much of a difference it can make to your child's development.

Well, imagine you're a traveller to a new, and foreign, city. You jump off the bus and you're in the town square, surrounded by sounds, smells and sights that you've never experienced before. It's quite overwhelming and you ideally need a native tour guide to help explain where you're at and start exploring the city.

The tour guide explains where you are, gives you a history on the buildings around you, explains that the yummy smell coming from a nearby cafe is their local delicacy, and that the loud sounds in the background are from the trams passing by. And you slowly start to understand your surroundings and build pictures in your mind that will allow you to navigate your way easier.

Parenting is a similar concept. Your child will for many years experience absolutely new things each and every day, and without being told what these things are, your child will struggle to get their bearings. In a child's development, language and intellect are closely linked. This means that knowing the words for things helps them to understand those things.

The more you encourage your baby to look at something and listen to it's name or explain how it works, the better he'll understand what he hears and sees and his intellectual development will follow suit.


A well known experiment demonstrates how this works:

Two groups of children, aged 13 - 31 months, were given the same task - to find a sweet hidden in one of two boxes (coloured green and red). The first group were left to find the box themselves and discovered that the red box contained the sweet. This took some trial and error and the children forgot from one day to the next that it was always the red box.

The second group of children were also left to find the sweet in the red box, but when they did find the correct red box the experimenters always said the word 'red'. This group needed only 15 trials before they made the connection and consistently chose the red box first.

A week later both groups were brought back to see if they would remember which box held the sweet. The first group of children could not remember and had to be taught again, while the second group of children remembered immediately without any help. Simply saying a single word, 'red', while teaching them a week prior had helped these children to remember.

So, in your day to day life with your little one, don't forget the importance and impact of naming things in his world. You can name body parts while bathing, or clothes while dressing. You can even name sounds or animals, toys and games, thoughts and feelings. The important thing to remember is that you're your baby's 'tour guide' in this new and exciting place called Life.

When playing the 'Naming Game', keep these tips in mind:


Use short sentences - five words or less is best. Instead of saying, "come let's go and have a lovely hot bath", rather say "we're going to bath". Imagine if you were learning a new language, the more words that are used that you don't understand, the less likely you'll be able to understand anything that's being said. Keep it short and simple and your child will understand more.

Use the same phrases - when teaching your child words, it's best to use the same phrases for things that you could describe in a multitude of ways (clean up, tidy up and put your things away all mean the same thing). Choose one way to describe something and always use it first - you can then elaborate to expand their language base, for example "Let's tidy up. See, you put these toys in the basket." and then "Let's tidy up. See, you put your clothes in the wash basket."

Repeat Key Words - It also helps to repeat your key word in two consecutive sentences. For example, you can say "There is the cat. Let's stroke the cat", or "Let's go bath. Do you like to bath?".

Use hand movements - it helps to throw in some hand movements as well to illustrate the words. For example, you can rub your hands together and say ,"Let's wash our hands" or you can gesture and touch your lap and say "Come sit on mommy's lap."

Words: Loren Stow

when we know better... we do better

*Practica Parents: Remember when you use the program to not only focus on the toys and the apparatus in the toy box, but also give attention to the activities in the guide. Because there are activities that do not involve toys that are so important to learn and use.

If you would like to receive email updates when the blog is updated, please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Living in the Moment...

photography: Loren Stow

Because of the way their brains are wired, babies and young children live from moment to moment and consequently have little concern for what's going to happen later or what happened earlier. For them it's all about now.

As adults, living in the moment can be very difficult to achieve... in fact there are entire philosophies and 'self-help' books dedicated to 'Living in the Now'. If it was easy to live in the moment, we wouldn't be spending to much time trying to achieve it!

The important thing about being a parent living in the moment is firstly that you are able to appreciate and therefore share and communicate with your child all the wonderful sights, sounds, smells, textures and tastes of the experience - most of which you'd miss if you weren't firmly grounded in the moment. And secondly, you are able to fully appreciate the emotions that go along with what's going on around you. In both instances, of course, you are sharing these sensory and emotional treasures with your little one.

So, while you're trying hard to get your toddler ready to leave the house on a Saturday morning, rushing here and there to get bags packed, food ready, bottles filled - planning for the next couple of hours you'll be out, your toddler is living happily in the moment, wanting to explore and learn and have fun.

A fantastic tool that will help you stay in the present moment with your child is the same tool that helps bring logic to your child's world and decodes his experiences - talking.

The importance of talking to your child constantly - running a commentary - on what you and they are doing, thinking and feeling and what's going on around them, cannot be underestimated (if you missed the post about this go here).

Talking shapes your child's understanding of the world and - voila! - it's a great tool for keeping you firmly grounded in the present moment (even if that moment is about throwing the washing in the basket, filling a bottle of water or packing a bag).

So, keep talking and you'll have found the key to staying right in the moment with your child.

Words: Loren Stow

when we know better... we do better


*Practica Parents: Make sure to choose your activities for the week ahead of time. This will make it easier for you to weave it into your everyday lifestyle, from one moment to the next. By doing brain-building activities while you're eating, bathing or having fun with your child, you adding the sensory experiences and the emotion to the activity which makes it so much more effective.

If you would like to be emailed when the blog is updated, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za