Love, Respect and Confidence

Professionals who do school readiness tests often comment on the quiet and unshakable confidence that our Practica children have when they are faced with the typical challenges that unnerve other children of the same age. This is remarkable, especially since there are so many other really talented children who are lacking in confidence. In fact, many clever children become afraid of failure over time and as a result they tend to avoid challenges instead of “laughing in the face of danger”.  

The good news is that the Practica Program provides parents with thousands of little learning opportunities that are so easily interwoven into a daily routine, allowing parents and children to play together more often than they would otherwise have done. One activity leads to the next, and the activities become progressively more challenging. This teaches Practica children that trying, failing and trying again is part of learning and getting ahead. Being confident has a lot more to do with failing and learning to be patient with yourself than most parents think. 

I guess this is why I just loved the following quote when a good friend shared it with me last week. I searched, but although she said she had read it online, I cannot find the original source. It reads as follows:

Patience with family is LOVE

Patience with others is RESPECT

Patience with yourself is CONFIDENCE.

The more I think about these words, the more I am impacted by how true they are. As I think back over the time that I had with my children when they were little, I realize that it was definitely during the times when I expected too much of myself that I was also most impatient and my confidence levels reached an all-time low.

What makes me sad is that those were also often the times when I was most impatient with my children, and it was the most difficult time for me to let them feel my love for them. Also, as I count back the years and link different incidences and experiences, I realize that it was during those exact times that my husband didn't feel loved and respected.

I don't know if this is true for everyone, but in my case, the biggest lesson that I learn from these wise words is that expecting too much from myself won't impress the people that I love. It doesn't make them love me more or somehow make me more "worthy" of their respect. It simply deprives them of the love and respect that I would otherwise be able to give to them.  

Written by Lizette van Huyssteen

When we know better... we do better

How to fill your child's 'love tank'



Photography: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

 As parents, we do our very best for our children, actively giving them everything we believe they need... and more. So, the idea that their ‘love tanks’ may sometimes be running low is not only hard to believe, but it flies in the face of the love we express for them daily through our words and actions.

The 5 Love Languages

In a book written by Gary Chapman, called The 5 Love Languages (Moody Press, 1997), the author describes how there are five main ways of expressing and experiencing love (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch).

Each of us (including our children) prefers to express and receive love in one or maybe two of these ways. If we can find a way to ‘talk’ the right love language, well then our needs and the needs of those we love are easier to fulfil.

This book is very true, and a later companion book called The 5 Love Languages of Children (Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell M.D.), notes that a child's preferred 'love language' only becomes noticeable from around age five. 


What about babies and toddlers?

Interestingly, when a baby is born, the one area of the brain that is most developed and able to process information is the area regulating touch. And, because little babies and toddlers live on a very physical level, for the most part they experience life and understand the world through their bodies.

Babies and toddlers also naturally don't yet understand abstract concepts like giving and receiving gifts; the underlying value of spending time together; the meaning of words; and the intentions behind acts of service. So it makes sense that young children across the board initially prefer the language of physical touch when it comes to expressing and experiencing love and affection.

What is an 'empty love tank'?

Simply put, a person suffers from an empty love tank when he doesn't feel loved and secure in the relationship he has with the important people in his life.

How do I know when my child's love tank is running low?

1. Your little one becomes very clingy.

2. Your little one becomes more demanding than usual, especially when you’re in the middle of something, like a phone call, shopping, or cooking dinner...

3. Your little one cannot deal with simple frustrations (like someone taking their toy) and have a meltdown as if their emotional foundation has been rocked when they don't get their way.

4. Your little one is finding it exceptionally difficult to deal with a ‘big change’, such as a new school, teacher, sibling, moving house, a divorce or any other major life changes.


This is the season of empty tanks!

At this time of year, the Practica Program Advisory Service commonly receives many calls from Practica Parents needing advice on two areas – a need for discipline-related information, and issues related to new day care arrangements (new crèche, new teacher, new nanny etc).

In both instances, there are many underlying causes for the problem, but an empty love tank is often one. Typically, a shift from the fun and closeness of the holidays back to the business of everyday life can make your child feel emotionally insecure. And parents often don't communicate their love for their children in a 'language' that their children can understand - the result being that their children don’t have the emotional reserve to deal with small frustrations, which leads to discipline problems, or big changes, which leads to clinginess.

The value of Touch Therapy

The good news is that you can help to solve two incredibly taxing parenting challenges with one simple remedy: fill your child’s love tank. And how is this done? Well, while filling somebody's love tank may involve different things for different people, Touch Therapy is by far the most effective way to communicate love and security to young children.

When using Touch Therapy, you are literally communicating to your child that he is deeply loved... When done correctly, this basic touch-technique tells your child what countless of words and actions can not...

Because Touch Therapy helps to fill your child's love tank, the end result is usually a child who is more emotionally grounded, secure and resilient. So it is also a great method to use when starting sleep training; when a new sibling arrives; when your child is struggling with frustration; when your child is being verbally or physically aggressive; and when your child is sick.

Commonly, parents find they interpret their child’s negative behaviour with more insight and empathy once they are aware of the concept of an empty love tank. However, beware of responding by doing Touch Therapy within a few minutes after an ‘incident’, in an effort to soothe your child, because you may inadvertently be rewarding the negative behaviour. In fact, Touch Therapy works best as part of a routine, for instance, every morning and every night at roughly the same point in your waking-up or bedtime sequence of events.

Touch Therapy – Step by Step

You can do Touch Therapy when your child is lying down, or even sitting on your lap. Using gentle but firm and rhythmical pressure, hold-and-squeeze your child’s arms, starting at the shoulders. Slowly and repeatedly hold-and-squeeze all the way down his arms until you reach his wrists. At this point, press your child’s hands together and squeeze them gently but firmly. Now, do the same with your child’s legs, starting at his hips and working towards his ankles, ending off by gently but firmly squeezing his feet together. You can repeat this slow and rhythmical ‘massage’ for at least five minutes, and it makes the whole experience more enjoyable for your little one if you sing and recite rhymes to the rhythm of the movements of your hands. Try to make as much eye contact with your child as is comfortable for the both of you, and remember this is a special time, so the atmosphere should ideally be calm, relaxing and free from distractions for these few minutes.

As your child’s personality unfolds and develops between the ages of five and eight, he will find himself drawn more towards one of the five love languages as described by Gary Chapman. But it is good to know that for the rest of his life, touch will remain a calming and reassuring experience. And this is true not only for your children, but for you as an adult as well. There is nothing more effective than a good firm hug every now and again to make us feel as if our very existence is solid and worthwhile.

If you’d like to read more about why touch is so magical, please refer to our previous post called “A Mother’s Touch”.

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

10 Easy-Peasy Everyday Reading Ideas

Image Source: http://www.thedailygreen.com/

Our last post was about the importance of early reading (if you missed it, go here), and today we’re sharing some simple and inspiring tips that can make practicing reading simple, as long as you recognise the opportunities!

1. Set the scene for Dreamland: Help your child to wind down at bedtime by switching on a dim nightlight and lighting a candle. Read the last story for the day in a quiet tone of voice and end it off with a calming hug and a kiss. Whisper 'goodnight' as you let your child blow out the candle as part of the ritual (only once!)

2. Pack a snack and a book: When you're going someplace that you suspect you'll be waiting for a while (like the doctor’s office), don't only pack a snack, include one or two favourite books to read while you wait! This demonstrates to your child that reading is something worth planning for.

3. Read while you shop: The next time you go shopping with your children, don't forget to look out for and read notices, signs and labels to them. When possible, point to whatever you’re reading to focus your child’s attention on the written word. And while you're in the car, why not make it a fun game to read number plates, road signs, street names and other interesting billboards?

4. Add words to real-life pictures. Print out extra copies of your digital pictures; stick pieces of paper on them and write on it, e.g. “Daddy gives Mommy a hug.” “Stephen brushes his teeth. He gets ready for bed.” “Milo is a happy dog. He wags his tail when he sees us.” Put these pictures in an appropriately sized photo-album or laminate them and ask any printing shop in a shopping mall to ring-bind it into a book for you.

5. Far and Away: The next time you take a long business trip, photocopy one or two of your child’s favourite books ahead of time. Read to your child over the speaker phone at bed time, while your spouse helps your little one to turn the pages of the original book at the right times.

From 3 years onwards:

6. Sit back and relax: Record your (or a grandparent’s) voice as you read a story. If needed, use a video recorder and cover the screen so that you record only the sound. Using a teaspoon, ding on a glass to indicate page turns. On nights when you’re too tired to function you can sit with your child and turn the pages together. These recordings of loved ones sharing of themselves can become priceless family heirlooms.

7. Love those Labels: Label common objects in your home by writing words like ‘door’, ‘bed’, ‘chair’, and ‘bath’ etc. on pieces of paper and attaching the labels to the real objects. Hand-write your labels so that you can make sure the letters look similar to how your child’s Grade One teacher will one day teach him to form his letters. Also, leave the capitals and use only small letters.

8. SOUND it - don’t SPELL it: Children love to discover which sounds are represented by various letters, for example ‘s’ represents the s–sound as in ssssnake. However, keep in mind, when your child asks you to sound a word out for him, you’ll be helping him make the link between the letter and the sound better if you simply break the word up into separate sounds. Steer clear of using the names of the letters of the alphabet to spell the word for your child. For example, instead of spelling the word 'b', 'a', 't', 'h', rather say, 'buh-aa-th'.

9. Stick it in your pocket: Create a 'reading pocket' in your jacket where you collect all the interesting things you've read in the day, a cartoon from your daily newspaper, a fortune cookie message, a greeting card etc. When you get home you can share your wonderfully special 'finds' with your little one!

10. Give them a cooking-clue: The next time you bake cookies or cook with your children, let them see how you read the recipe step-by-step. Then line up all the ingredients before you start, and show your child how he can point to the ingredients from left to right, while naming each one out loud, for example flour, eggs, butter, milk, baking powder, and vanilla. This prepares him for reading words from left to right one day!


We hope this post has inspired in you ideas on how to make reading an everyday (simple) opportunity. It can be fun, it can be silly, and most of all it can be a wonderful opportunity to learn and share.

Just a quick note - our next post on Friday will be all about choosing the right gift for the right age this Christmas. So, if you're planning on doing your Christmas shopping this or next weekend, this post will come in really handy!


Words: Loren Stow

Comments or reading tips? Email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za when we know better... we do better

The 3 Secrets of Early Reading

Image Source: http://www.scusd.edu/

I remember as a little girl that I loved to read - I would even pretend to read my mother stories that I had learned to memorise. When I learned to write, my love of words was further extended, and I would re-write by hand poems and songs that I loved to listen to.

However, as we get older, we are bombarded wherever we go by the written word whether it be through advertising, logos, memos, emails, sms's, or monthly post... The 'magic' of reading is lost and we can begin to think that reading is just one of many ways to interact with our children.

The benefits of reading are obvious for most parents - increased language, better grades at school, exercising memory and understanding skills etc. - the list goes on and on. However, there are certain benefits of reading that are unique to sitting down and opening a book... irreplaceable with any other experience...

We know that most parents understand the more obvious benefits of reading, so today we want to look at three priceless benefits that you wouldn't necessarily think about when choosing to sit down with your child and a book and open that first page....

It's about Love

Reading to a child communicates love and acceptance to a child primarily in two ways - firstly, through physical touch, and secondly through sharing an experience that fosters emotional closeness.

We've written before on the blog about just how important Love is to learning - it is the 'thing' that makes all learning stick.  And the beauty of reading with your child is that it is about more than just pictures and words on a page - it is about Love.

Imagine a scene where a dad is reading to his son. The son is sitting on his father's lap, enveloped in his arms, and both of them are fixated on the book in front of them. Dad is reading each word with emphasis, his tone and inflection changing, and his facial expressions mimicking what he's reading. He suddenly roars (like a lion...) and his son laughs and curls even closer to his dad... Can you see it? Can you see what we're trying to describe?

As parents, we can sometimes see reading a chore... But for a child, reading is about Love.  It is a time when his mom or dad physically and emotionally 'comes down' to his level and there is a closeness. He comes to anticipate the funny monkey sounds or the knock-knock-knocking that are coming on the next page... his excitement and joy are barely contained...

Reading fosters Love - it is about sharing, one-on-one with your child. It is about opening up a world of fairy tales, or dinosaurs, or farm animals or whatever it is... It is about taking your child's hand and guiding them through a door into a world where they will be given anything their heart desires...

Teaching your child to associate love and closeness with reading is possibly the best foundation you could ever lay for your child in terms of academics, social skills, and increasing language and therefore intellectual development. This is because the pleasant memories create in a child a hunger for more... But more than that, reading gives you an opportunity to be close, to share a moment, to laugh together and Love together.

Its about finding a familiar place in the world

As parents, we assume that children get bored of reading the same book over and over again, but contrary to this popular belief, children actually thrive on this predictability. To a child, being able to predict what is going to happen on the next page is equal to being able to predict his world and understand his place in it, making him feel safe and secure. Predictability is one of the most fundamental emotional and intellectual needs of a child, and reading is the easiest way for a parent to almost exactly recreate an entire 20 minute experience over and over again, day after day.

Repetition is of course also a strong foundation of learning - because children learn through seeing, hearing and experiencing the same thing over and over again.

It's about doing what works

Another common misconception is that books are often seen as 'old fashioned' and parents are tempted to replace them with seemingly more modern stimulation, such as television, dvd's, video games, computers, and battery-operated toys with moving parts and flashing lights...

The difference between these 'new and improved' types of stimulation and reading, is that reading (and story-telling) will always be the number one activity that requires of a child to actively use his brain to make it fun. In order for reading to 'make sense' and be enjoyable, your child needs to use various parts of his brain to process the activity. As opposed to other more 'modern' stimulation, where a lot less is asked of his brain...

Finally it is important to understand that reading is a really high-functioning skill and nothing else, definitely not television, not educational games, not flash cards, not even something as precious as talking to your child or singing songs till the cows come home... nothing stimulates phonetic and phonological awareness (which is absolutely crucial for reading readiness) quite as much as reading age-appropriate children's books with loads of rhyme and repetition, over and over again. Therefore, reading to a child not only fosters a love for reading, it actually wires a child's brain to be able to learn to read later on...

With this said, we hope that the next time you buy your child a book, or the next time you reorganise their book-shelf, you stop for a second and see a book for what it is... It is not only the best foundation for future reading abilities with all the good things that go along with that, but it is also a magical key to demonstrating your love for your child, and creating a safe and predictable place for him in our fast-paced world that can at times be so scary for little souls...

A book really is more than just the sum total of it's pages and colourful pictures - it is a gift; for you, for your child, for the future.

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogam.co.za

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

6 Instant Relationship Boosters

Photography: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

In our last post we discussed the importance of consciously developing your child's self-esteem (if you missed it, go here) and in light of the rather 'heavy' responsibility it can be to do this, we wanted to share some quick and easy ideas on how you can instantly make your child feel as though they are the most important person in your world.

1. When your child enters a room, look genuinely happy to see him.
We're repeating this point again (we mentioned in our last post) for very good reason - because it works! Make sure your eyes light up and you give your child a warm and welcoming smile... they will feel as though they really make your day!

In the same vein, when you see your child for the first time after a long separation (after school or a day at work), take five minutes to be with them immediately - Forget about putting the groceries in the fridge or your bag in your room, just drop everything and engage with them for five minutes.

2. Touch your child for an uninterrupted period of five minutes every day.
When she is relaxed, let her lie with her head on your lap. Play with her hair, use your fingers to 'draw pictures' on her back, rub her hands, massage her feet... Use deep pressure touch, squeezing and releasing her arms from her shoulders to her wrists, moving slowly and rhythmically. Do the same with her legs from her hips to her ankles.

Touch is the single most effective way to communicate love to a young child - we call this 'touch therapy' for obvious reasons, and if you missed our post of the benefits of deep pressure touch, go here.

3. Say no negative word about your child to any person when you are within earshot of your child.
Even toddlers, who can not understand every word said, can sense when a parent is talking about them and whether the tone is positive or negative. So, when your friend asks how your son is adapting to your new baby, simply smile and wink at your friend, saying "Oh yes! That! Remind me at some other time to bring up that very interesting topic!" - then change the subject.

4. Often whisper something in your child's ear as if you're sharing a little secret with them.
It doesn't have to be a real secret, but simply whispering to your child makes her feel like the two of you share something important. For example, you could say, "Guess what? When we get home we're going to play in the garden!", or "Guess what? After our game, we're going to go and make something to drink!" Your little one will be thrilled to be 'in' on something exciting...

5. Treat everyone with respect, including your child.
When your child interrupts a conversation, calmly ask the other person to give you a second and go down to your child's level. Firmly but lovingly tell him, "Mommy is phone with daddy (or whoever) right now. I'll hold your hand until I'm ready to let you speak. Then we can talk."

Hold your child's hand while continuing the conversation for about 20 seconds, then excuse yourself for a minute or so to listen to your child before resuming the conversation again.

6. Draw the picture and then colour it in.
In other words, provide structure by sticking to a routine and disciplining your child, but also allow her to inspire you to live in the moment as only a child can (if you missed our post on living in the moment, go here).

It's better to opt for doing less in full colour, than doing more in black and white. If you live your life at a comfortable pace, you will find it easier to say, "I love you THIS much! I am so glad that you were born and that you're part of my life."

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comment? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

*Practica Parents: The Practica Program offers thousands of age-appropriate activities which practically means that a child who has grown up with this program has had thousands of opportunities to achieve success - what a great way to build self-confidence in a child.

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Creating Happy and Whole Little People

Photography: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

As a child, my mother used to explain self-esteem to me as such - we are all like trees. Some of us are Pine Trees; straight, organised and neat. While others are like Thorn Trees; a bit rugged, uneven and disorganised. While both trees are so different, they each have their own unique beauty and attraction. And while they both offer different gifts, one gift is no more important than another.

I think that as adults, parents having been out in 'this world' for long enough to have been bumped and bruised and left with little (or sometimes big) marks on our self-esteem. As adults it's natural to no longer feel we are capable of anything and that the world will rise up to meet us... But we also instinctively know that our children need to start off with a certain level of naivety that will be tempered by experiences in their own time. Our role is to equip them with a dream and life will do the pruning.

In order to discuss the topic of self-esteem, it's important (as always) to start at the beginning...

Babies are born without the knowledge that they exist as separate human beings. They view themselves as being part of their parents - an extension, so to speak. It is only at around nine months that a baby starts to realise that she exists in a body that is separate to those of other people.

You will know that your baby has made this discovery when something interesting happens and he looks at your face to see your reaction. This is called "joint attention".

Developing gradually, from that first moment of joint attention, your child's  ability to form an own opinion blossoms at about 18 months when "No!" becomes a passionate response. By then she has a clear understanding that her will is her own and she doesn't have to eat that butternut if she doesn't want to... This is a major discovery for her, and it's understandable that she is intrigued by this knowledge.

You can see your child's concept of self develop practically by doing the 'mirror test': Put a mark on your child's forehead and stand him in front of the mirror. If he's under 18 months old, he is likely to try to wipe the mark off the mirror, while an older child will realise that he is looking at his reflection and wipe the mark off his own face.



Interestingly, at 2 years old, your child's concept of himself reaches a point where he starts referring to himself as 'I' instead of using his name (as if he was talking in the third-person).

Then, six months later, at about two-and-a-half years old, your child will reach another exciting milestone in this regard when she will now be able to name herself in a photograph.

These are all steps in the process of your child understanding that she is person in her own right. It doesn't happen overnight, rather it is a process over months and years.

Just like a child's concept of her physical body develops over time, so too does her concept of her core emotional self.

In terms of self-esteem, your 18-month-old child will not notice if you tell her that she's a failure, while a two-year-old will most likely become upset and then bounce back rather quickly. However, if you consistently tell your three-year-old that she's bad and wrong, this is sure to scar the concept that she has of her core emotional self. In other words, she will learn to see herself as being a person who is "bad" and "wrong".

According to a book written by Dr John Pearce called Growth and Development, by the age of five, your child has come to understand what he's like as a person. Is he clever or not so clever? Is he good-looking or not so attractive? Is he successful or mostly a failure? Is he likable or disliked? Is he generous or selfish? And the list goes on...

Dr Nathaniel Brandan, a specialist in self-esteem, defines it as, "...the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness."

According to the Child Development Institute, a child or teenager with healthy self-esteem will be able to:

• Act independently
• Assume responsibility
• Take pride in his or her accomplishments
• Tolerate Frustration
• Attempt new tasks and challenges
• Handle positive and negative emotions in himself and others
• Offer assistance to others

Conversely, a child or teenager with unhealthy self-esteem will:

• Avoid trying new things
• Feel unloved and unwanted
• Blame others for his or her shortcomings
• Feel, or pretend to feel, emotionally indifferent
• Be unable to tolerate normal levels of frustration
• Put down his or her own talents and abilities
• Be easily influenced

Maya Angelo (acclaimed American writer and poet) so eloquently explained what she believes a parent's role should be - when your child walks into a room and you look them up and down, noting their mismatched socks, untied shoes, unruly hair and dirty finger nails... they feel judged. What a child wants and deserves more than anything in the world is for your eyes to light up as they enter a room - as though they have just brought the sunlight with them. This is so heart-warming, and it sat on my heart like a butterfly about to take flight, motivating me to find out more about how I could grow my child's self-esteem in a practical way.

The answer, I have found, is about self-denial...

Practically speaking, parenting can be such a stressful job that its very easy to forget the big picture. We sometimes get bogged down by focusing on short-term solutions that do not have long-term benefits. For example, lashing out at a child when he disappoints us, screaming a child when we want to get something done quickly, doing things for our child instead of giving him the time he needs to practice to do things for himself...

These things seem to work in the short-term but building self-confidence is a long-term process that takes short-term sacrifices. The investment we make when we're tired but still make the effort to let our face light up when our child enters the room, biting our tongue when our child is trying to tie his own shoe-laces for the 50th time, answering the same questions over and over again with a happy tone of voice and a smile on our face, and hiding our disappointment when we find out our child has used his brother as a chew-toy once again...

Because our children's actions touch us so deeply, this is probably the highest level of self-sacrifice... But we instinctively deny ourselves for their sake. And our message to you today is 'keep it up - it is worth it!'.

It remains a fact that our children see themselves mirrored in our eyes, and our choices today will directly affect their image of themselves for the rest of their lives. We make certain sacrifices in these formative years so that they can enter the world as happy and whole people.

Words: Loren Stow

when we know better... we do better

Comments? please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

*Practica Parents: Anything that helps in lessening the responsibility of parenting is a blessing. With the Practica Program at hand, you are able to let go of the worry of doing the right thing at the right time to stimulate your child's development, so that you can devote more energy and time into your relationship. The key however is to read your guide and plan in advance so that you can weave it into your daily life.

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

The "Dad-Manual"

Photography: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

Dads are so important in their children's lives - from day one (if you missed the post on why dads are so important, go here). However, many dads don't know what is expected of them, or how to be their best. Don't worry! All parents - moms and dads alike - struggle to find their place and feel comfortable. It is process that gets easier over time.

In the meantime, we've sourced some tips from Steve and Shaaron Biddulph's book called "Raising a happy child in the precious years from birth to six":

Make Time
In today's society, this is a big one. Many fathers work long hours in order to provide for their families, but they do need to make the time to be with their children, everyday if possible.
Try to negotiate flexi-time with your employer, or go into work late two mornings a week. Perhaps you can get home early and work later, after the kids are bed?
Whatever your approach, make sure that your time spent with your children is packed with opportunity - so switch off that TV and take it outside - give your children 100% when you are around.

Start Early
Get involved in your baby's care - early bonding between father and baby has a huge impact later down the line. So, change those nappies, give them a bath, get involved in feeding and dressing. Be as involved as possible from the very first days.

Be Warmer
Give lots of hugs, kisses and cuddles. Read to your children, or sing them songs. If you weren't given much affection as a child by your father - now is the time to learn how special this can be.

Lighten Up
See your time with your children as a joy and not a chore or obligation. By spending time with them, you will start to enjoy them and get to know them. Fathers are often serious, carrying heavy burdens of responsibility and these feelings can often carry over into childcare - look forward to your time with your children and enjoy them.
The goal for you would be to see your time with your children as a 'stress-reliever' and not a 'stress-builder', and if it's not like that for you, then see it as a catalyst for you to change whatever you need to in order to make it work for you.

Heavy Down
Some dads fit comfortably into the 'good-time fun person', leaving all the heavy work to the moms. Get involved in chores, homework, discipline, decisions on schooling and the future. Fathers can make a huge difference when it comes to decision making. Be willing to carry the load when it comes to making final decisions in your house. Men are generally less emotionally-charged when it comes to making decisions, and this helps to stabilise the emotional climate in your house. It also gives your child a model on how to deal with uncertainties.

Don't do it alone
Be on the lookout for support from other dads or from family members. If being an involved father makes you feel alienated, try to actively pursue friendships that support the role that you are playing in your children's lives.

Be a proud dad
You are one of a kind - and to your children, you are their only dad. Be proud of the job you're doing and be proud of your children. You are their super-hero.

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za
*Practica Parents: Practica Dads report that they prefer doing activities that involve challenges (like those listed under gross and fine motor development). They have explained how writing a list of games on a piece of paper and putting the relevant toys from the box aside, allows them to plan ahead and be prepared to have fun with their children.

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

The "Dad-Factor"

Photography: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

There is no doubt that moms and dads instinctively do things differently. I know that in my interactions with my children, I tend to choose to sing to them, read to them, hold them gently and generally be soft and loving.

My husband however, naturally creates fun and challenges our children. He throws them up in the air, gets them doing somersaults, jumping off the couch crashing into pillows, giving them 'good' frights... you get the picture. And, when it comes to dad, he gives my children more freedom, lets them try things that make me cringe (like walking freely in a gift shop filled to the rafters with breakables... sitting unaided in the bath... climbing to impossible heights on the jungle-gym... oh my heart!).

Other than giving your children a really fun time, and causing mothers everywhere near heart-attacks, fathers make a crucial contribution to their children's development. This is good news really. We've known for ever that there are certain things that only mothers can do, and it is high time that dads get their slice of 'recognition pie'. 

Sometimes dads today are really stretched, having to provide for their families and being more involved in parenting duties than previous generations, and they sometimes wonder if their contribution is really so important - if it's worth going the extra mile so to speak. We can, without a doubt, say Yes - it is worth it, and here's why:

In an article called "How do fathers fit in?" by CIVITAS (The Institute for the Study of Civil Society in Britain), directed by Dr David Green, we learn that fathers are unique in two very special ways.

Firstly, fathers play differently and that has a massive impact on child development. Secondly, and most interestingly, it is what fathers don't do that makes them so special...

Fathers Play Differently
My husband is not alone. Scientific studies have found that fathers tend to be more boisterous, adventurous and exciting in their play than their mommy-counterparts. Imagine for a second a father playing with his child - throwing, tumbling, wrestling, holding a toy just out of reach, loud bursts of laughter, unpredictability, and high energy. And then, when your child is just about to burst from excitement, father calms them and models self constraint, teaching siblings to take turns...

A father is teaching his child trust when he jumps from the couch into his arms. He is teaching his child problem solving skills, goal orientation and perseverance when he holds the ball just out of reach. He is teaching self-control and social skills when he models how to play 'nicely'. He makes it acceptable to have a competitive and driven spirit, revelling in feelings of accomplishment.

Fathers Act Differently
Fathers are less prone to 'hellicopter parenting' and allow their toddlers to do things that would make most mother's hair grey - like running free in a gift shop, bathing themselves, feeding themselves, and generally exploring their worlds with less restriction than mother's usually impose.... need I say more?
This is teaching a child about self-sufficiency, self-esteem and skill development. In fact, studies have found that developing social skills and self-esteem has less to do with the mother and more with the father's interaction.

Fathers just being fathers seem to naturally nurture and develop their children's sense of industry, competence and responsibility.

To wrap up I quote from an interview on the Evolution of Dad website, with Yale-Based Professor and specialist in child and adolescent psychiatry, Dr Kyle Pruett:

"One of the most important things about dad is that he is not mom... and that the world beyond mom really begins with dad. Children who've had involved fathers often can take a bigger slice of the world and not be scared by it.

I think one of the other barriers to involved fathering is that society perpetuates this equation in stone - that the distant, productive, 'bring home the bacon' father is the only way to really love your children. Children wouldn't buy into that for a minute! They need to know who this guy is, why he's in their life, why he loves them, and what he loves about them.

If you want to reduce gang membership, teen-pregnancy, dropping out of school, abuse and neglect of children, and substance abuse, you can do it by engaging fathers early and often in the lives of their children.

We know this from the science, we know it makes sense. It's not easy, but it absolutely works! It works on these problems like aspirin on a headache. And our failure to connect the dots here with what we know, is a huge unfinished problem. And our children absolutely deserve for us to stop fooling around and fix this."

For the in-depth article from CIVITAS on father's role, visit http://www.civitas.org.uk/hwu/fathers.php 

For more about Inspired Fathering, visit http://www.evolutionofdad.com/

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

comments? please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

*Practica Parents: Fathers sometimes find it difficult, after a day at work dealing with adult issues, to enter their child's world. The Practica Program offers age-appropriate games and activities that fathers can do as part of their lifestyle, and by simply following easy instructions they can engage their children and bond on their level.

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za 

The Brain-Heart Connection

Photography: Loren Stow
http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

In last week's post we discussed School Readiness (if you missed the post go here), and today we are delving a bit deeper into the practical steps you can take to ensure your child is as school-ready as possible.

Firstly, it is interesting to understand the physical make-up of your child's brain. According to Mike Bruton (whom we quoted last week as well) in his article "Smart Play", written for the Mail and Guardian (2 Aug 2010):

"The brain is a remarkable organ, widely considered to be the most complex system in the universe. It is soft, has no moving parts and is not sensitive to touch. It needs oxygen, glucose and physical exercise to function properly, is flushed by 35 litres of blood every hour, and uses about 20% of our body energy. It contains more than 10-billion neurons, has more than 1 000-billion-billion connections and sends and receives electro chemical messages through a 50 000km-long network of nerves."

This is amazing to think of, that this bundle of nerves, neurons and connections is in the process of being built in our children... And our interactions with them - the quality of experiences we gift them - directly affects the way in which their brains will develop.

As discussed last week, while it is fun to teach your child certain things (types of dinosaurs, makes of cars etc), it is far more productive to develop your child's ability to make sense of the world around them - this will enable them to process information given to them in a learning context such as school. The major difference is that it is relatively quick and easy to teach facts, but it takes time and shared experiences to 'switch on' processing skills.

These processing skills include gross motor, fine motor, sensory, visual, auditory, and language development, as well as thinking, reasoning, emotional and social skills. And while this might sound like quite a list, these areas can be worked mostly through one-on-one interaction and play with your child.

Lizette explains it as such, "Play with your children at home so that they can learn at school."

Everyday activities that stimulate these areas of development are simple and fun!

Reading to your child; music and singing songs; playing construction games; building and taking apart puzzles; physical activities like running, jumping, climbing, swinging, pushing, pulling etc; fantasy play; and creative activities like drawing and painting.

We understand that as parents, sometimes there simply isn't enough 'in the tank' to make the effort. It is easier to switch on Barney and make that cup of coffee that you so deserve. "Anyway... what difference does playing in the sandpit make at the end of the day..." you may ask yourself...

What we want to share is that it is important and it does make a difference. Playing the sand; making silly faces in a song; poking at bubbles in the air; wrestling in the grass; letting your child 'help' you pack away the groceries; making mud cakes and sharing giggles while you stare up at the clouds... this is the stuff that feeds a child's growing brain.

If the saying goes that a way to a man's heart is through his stomach, then the way to a child's brain is through his heart.

So, we know that you're tired sometimes, and motivation is nowhere to be found. But simply taking that step, sitting down and pulling out the play-dough, will get the ball rolling and you will find it gets easier every day. Soon, it will be your escape from the maddening world - to experience life through your child's eyes.

Offering your children a wealth of experiences, sprinkled continuously and generously with love (to make it all stick), is not a waste of time, in fact it is the essential ingredient for nurturing school-readiness.

Now isn't that great news?

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

*Practica Parents: The reality of the situation is that a parent who knows better, does better. This is one of the founding principles of the Practica Program -  the better we understand our children, the more we can draw from everyday opportunities as well as new and exciting research.

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

On your marks... get ready... go!

Photography: Loren Stow

As busy parents, our lives are often filled with lists.  Get the kids ready; Go to work; Go to the grocery store; Prepare dinner; Bath the kids and get them to bed... tick, tick, tick... you get your list done and move onto the next thing.

While having the ability to race through your daily tasks may be a great skill with managing your time, it is not a great way of looking at your child's development.

Despite what many well-intentioned parents believe, milestones are not simply notches on your child's proverbial belt,  that must be raced through on the way to bigger and better things.  Milestones ARE the bigger and better things.

We found a really great parabel, about two dads who loved their boys very much.

Johnny and Timmy were exactly the same age and each of them received a ball for their birthday. Johnny's dad took it upon himself to teach his son how to play with the ball and when Johnny showed how quickly he learned how to kick, throw and catch the ball, his father was so proud. "OK," said Johnny's dad, "I am so proud of you, you're so clever. Now that you know how to do this, we don't have to bother anymore. Let's go do something else." Timmy, who's dad also grabbed the opportunity to teach him some ball skills was well impressed when Timmy also learned how to kick, throw and catch the ball. However, unlike Johnny's dad, when Timmy asked what they were going to do next, his dad answered, "Well, I'm going to teach you how to play soccer!" 

What both dads have in common is a love for their sons and for helping them to aquire new skills. However, Johnny's dad thought that he only needed to tick off a skill and that it would further develop on it's own without much input.

Timmy's dad however, realised that not only had his son achieved something and learned new skills, which made him proud, but these new skills also allowed them, as father and son, to do something together, to interact and learn and have fun - together.

Milestones are not only a case of ticking off a list of skills that your child should have at a certain age - each skill should be taken and nurtured, like a new flower in spring. Growing, watering, caring for and marveling in the amazing new skills your child is revealing everyday.

So how do you nurture your child's milestones? Sometimes its as easy as repeating the new skill over and over again, for as long this brings your child  joy. For example, a dad kicking a ball with his child everyday after work from the age of two until he goes off to univesity! 

At other times, it may mean expanding on a new skill, so that you keep your child interested. For example, a child who has learned to thread beads onto a string, can then start threading colour patterns such as red, blue, red, blue. 

Basically, the idea is that a milestone is not a medal to be hung around a child's neck, it is in fact the key to opening the door to new experiences and making new memories.

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

*Practica Parents: The structured, progressive way in which the program has been put together makes it easier for parents to keep on setting the barrier a little higher as their children develop. A great tool for doing this can be found in the back of the Practica Guide where there is a comprehensive list of skills, each with its related activities listed in order of difficulty.

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

A Mother's Touch...

Photography - http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

 I believe that parents instinctively know that touch is not only soothing for their children, but that it also communicates love on a profound level. A caress of the cheek, a long and deep-felt hug, or rubbing a scraped knee - certain kinds of touch tell your child that they are loved and secure.

Science has finally caught up and after years of studies have confirmed what parents have always known - that touch is so incredibly beneficial for your child's health and well being.

According to the Massage Therapy Association of South Africa (http://www.mtasa.co.za/), "Touch and massaging has benefits (emotional as well as physical), such a sensory and muscle stimulation, relaxation, and stress management, just to name a few."

Dr. Tiffany Field, of the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami School of Medicine (UMSM), stated in an annual meeting of the Academy of American Pediatrics, "Our research suggests that touch is as important to infants and children as eating and sleeping. Touch triggers physiological changes that help infants and children grow and develop. For example, massage can stimulate nerves in the brain which facilitate food absorption, resulting in faster weight gain. It also lowers levels of stress hormones, resulting in improved immune function."

According to Dr. Field, touch therapy involves either gently stroking or more firm deep pressure touch in three main regions of a child's body -

1. Face, neck, head and shoulders.

2. Arms and hands.

3. Back, legs and feet.

Your child will not only benefit physically from touch, but emotionally too. If you find your child is particularly insecure, clingy, unsettled or unnerved by a new event (such a new sibling, moving house, a divorce, a new school etc), touch can go a long way towards giving your child a deep sense of security and feeling of being loved. Touch is literally a direct way of tapping into your child's subconscious and giving him a strong message of love and acceptance.


The science behind touch involves a rather unknown '7th sense' called proprioception. In addition to sight, smell, hearing, touch and taste, human beings also have a vestibular sense (the sense of where you are in space - linked closely to a system in your inner ears) and a proprioceptive sense (the sense of where your body parts are in relation to each other, and a sensitivity to pressure and the experience of gravity).

This 7th Sense, proprioception, is very real, and affects your emotions in the same way as other senses affect mood - for example the soothing feeling of a soft blanket to in your hands, or the invigorating smell of Jasmin in the spring time.

You get much of your proprioceptive 'input' from your joints and muscles, which is why massage and deep pressure touch is so calming. When you swaddle a newborn baby, you are giving his whole body a deep pressure touch and feeding his proprioceptive sense in a calming way.

Now that you know the importance of touch, you can use it as a way to calm and soothe your child in moments of distress or even as an everyday tool for staying connected.

An easy way to do this is to gently, but firmly, hold and squeeze your child's arms from their shoulders to the hands, moving slowly and symmetrically with both hands. You can do the same on from their hips to their feet. Do this slow and constant deep pressure touch for at least 5 uninterrupted minutes to make sure the message gets through.

The benefits of deep pressure touch can be immediately calming, and if regularly done, can create long term feelings of well being and security.

The good news is that you can connect with your child on this level today - so tell them that you love them through your touch.

Words: Loren Stow

when we know better... we do better

*Practica Parents: Please remember that part of being a Practica Parents involves access to the advisory service where there is a panel of experts available to answer questions on development as well as emotional and social and discipline-related questions.

If you would like to be updated by email with each new post, please email lizette@practicaprogram.blogspot.com

Fertile Ground - how your baby's brain grows and develops

photography: Loren Stow

In the spirit of the Lizette's years of searching and gaining knowledge, we thought it would be apt to start our blog off with a post on how your baby's brain is wired. To understand this could change the way you view your role as parent forever. In fact, it is only in recent years that science has corroborated Lizette's early passion for shaping your baby and child through experience.

Your baby is born with approximately 100 billion brain cells, but he is not able to use most of them because the connections between the cells are yet to be 'hard-wired', which can be compared to a row of telephone poles that still need to be wired together before they can carry messages. Neuroscientists can today confirm the unlike an arm or leg that simply grows bigger, the brain doesn't only grow, it changes with each new connection it makes!

This basically means that what your child's early experiences impact his brain to the point where it is shaped to adapt to his unique circumstances. His experiences have a direct effect on his ability to be happy, feel safe, think intelligently and use his latent skills and talents.

When your baby is born, his primitive reflexes, such as breathing and his beating heart are in place in order for him to survive. Then, in the first couple of months, your baby's brain makes trillions of connections between brain cells, more than he'll ever actually need, but these connections are immature and wispy and are only 'hard-wired' through experience.

Those connections that are not hard-wired through experience actually fall away in a process called 'pruning'. The implications of this discovery are astounding because it means that without regular exposure, the ability to learn and understand certain things will fall away and become difficult or impossible to learn later on.

The more your baby experiences something, like your caress or a lullaby, holding his rattle or building blocks, the stronger the connections become. The opposite is also true. Researchers at the Baylor College of Medicine in the US have found that children who don't play much and are rarely touched develop brains that 20% - 30% smaller than their peers.

The data coming from laboratories are underscoring the importance of hands-on parenting, of how important it is to cuddle your baby, talk to your toddler and provide your children with stimulating experiences. Scientists have seen evidence of this fact as early as the 1970's, but it has only been recently that researchers have had the tools powerful enough to actually see inside your baby's brain.

Children who are talked to more often have larger vocabularies confirms a study by Janellen Huttenlocher of the University of Chicago. At 20 months, children of talkative mothers had on average 131 more words than their peers, while this more than doubled at 24 months to a gap of 295 more words.

What was also discovered is that only "live" language works, not television, because for language retention to be effective it must be used in relation to ongoing events and in the presence of real-life emotions, or it's just white noise.

This discovery lead to another - that information embedded in an emotional context seems to stimulate neural activity more powerfully than information alone. In a book written by Steve Biddulph, called 'Raising Babies' he explains how love and happiness literally grows babies' brains.

"When a baby sees a smiling face, or is given a warm cuddle, its body produces more growth hormone and it's brain comes alive, and grows new connections more quickly. Happiness is as essential to a baby as food or air."

So, not only is stimulation important for your baby, but the way in which the stimulation is packaged. Love and care are the glue that makes the learning stick, so to speak. If your baby's brain development could be compared to a stack of loose bricks, love and care would be the mortar used to build what will house your baby's full potential.

Now that the scientific community has confirmed how important experiences, stimulation and a loving environment are for your baby, I am sure you are wondering how you can use this knowledge to change your life?

The first and most important step is to create a secure and loving environment, as this is the 'glue' that will make everything else you do stick.

The second thing to remember is that with limited time, you must always aim to stimulate your baby or child in an age-appropriate way. Do what they need, when they need it. For example, an hour long marathon of stimulation is not going to work for a child who has a five-minute attention span. Rather spread out stimulation into little bundles throughout the day.

And lastly, see your child as a 'whole person'. Find a balance between nurturing their weaknesses and building on their strengths. Remember all the areas of development - physical, emotional, intellectual and social and try to include them all in your day-to-day life.

Your child, born with an amazing capacity to learn, needs you and your loving interaction to shape his abilities - to lay the foundation for the rest of his life. While this is a real responsibility, it is also exciting and motivating. Sing or talk as you change your baby's nappy, smile and laugh as you build blocks, play peek-a-boo to get your little one to laugh, cuddle when you read together, let your face light up when your child enters a room.

The good news is that your love really does make a huge difference to your child's ability to reach his fullest potential.

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better


*Practica Parents, we hope this post inspires you to continue using the programme everyday. There are so many valuable exercises designed to reinforce the connections in your baby's brain, to build a solid foundation for future potential. If you ever wonder how to use something in the program, please call the advisory service for assistance.

If you would like to be notified by email when the blog is updated please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za