Safety around Strangers

Image from Hoodwinked

As parents we teach our children all kind of things in a sincere attempt to keep them out of harm’s way. There is no doubt that “no going anywhere with strangers” and “no treats from strangers” are important rules that should be taught from early on, but think twice before teaching your little one that he or she should not TALK to strangers …

“Teaching your child not to talk to strangers is an illogical rule and even potentially dangerous”, says safety expert Gavin de Becker in his book Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane). He argues that children who have been taught that it’s wrong and unsafe to talk to strangers can be confused by their parents’ periodic insistence that they should say “hi” to people they don’t know.

And if these children get lost, how will they be able to seek help if they don’t talk to strangers? Should we not rather teach our children to make wise choices about whom to talk to and what they’re going to say in a situation where they’re lost, alone or in danger? Are they not at their most vulnerable when their only plan of action in a crisis situation is to stand around crying until some random person approaches them to ask if they need help?

Gavin advises parents to encourage little ones to practise talking to strangers in a safe environment. He suggests little exercises like sending them to an adult to ask for the time, or asking a store assistant where to find a certain item in a store.

Children should also be made familiar with how to find a suitable adult to turn to in times of crisis. He advises that we teach them to approach a woman - preferably a mommy with children - as women are statistically safer than men and more likely to commit to helping children until they are safe. (When my girls were little their instructions were to go to the nearest cashier sitting behind a till in a store and ask the lady to please call mommy.)

Older children should be helped to develop an awareness of other people’s behaviour rather than whether a person is a “stranger” or not. “The issue isn’t strangers, it is strangeness”, says Gavin de Becker. And what he says certainly makes sense since it is common knowledge that a child is statistically far more likely to be harmed or abused by somebody that is well known to him or her, than by a complete stranger.

He goes on to say, “It is inappropriate behavior that’s relevant: a stare held too long, a smile that curls too slowly, a narrowing or widening of the eyes, a rapid looking away. The muscles in the face are instruments of communication, resulting in an eloquent language that can put us at ease or give us the creeps.”

To learn more, have a look at Gavin's online articles:

Teach Your Kids How to Talk to Strangers.

How do I change what I’ve taught my Youngster about Strangers?

Written by Lizette van Huyssteen
When we know better... we do better

Top Tips for Good Behaviour

Why is it that some people bring out the best in children? What is so different about them that little ones seem to geniunely WANT to please them and enthusiastically do what they say? Inborn temperament certainly plays a role. Consistency and self-confidence also makes a difference. Yet, the crucial factor is that these special people have learned to think about and talk to children in a special way. Luckily, these ways of thinking and talking can easily be copied. Here are two of the most common "tricks of the trade" that social workers typically advise parents to adopt:  

1. Take a few seconds to set the scene: Before giving an instruction, let your child know that you have special expectations of the outcome of the interaction that the two of you are about to have. This radically increases the odds that he will spring into action after you’ve said your say.

Practically Speaking: Before flinging words into thin air, look directly at your child. Say his name to get him to focus his attention on you and what you have to say. Make eye contact. When speaking to a toddler, go down on your haunches if at all possible and look him straight in the eye. Lower your tone of voice and speak clearly and calmly as if making an important announcement.

Note: Use a firm voice, but do not shout. If shouting tells your little one that you really mean it, you're training him to brush you off untill you raise your voice. 

2. Describe an appropriate substitute. Instead of hammering on about what your child SHOULD NOT be doing, let him know what he SHOULD do. To a young child, and many older ones, the phrase “Don’t be naughty!” simply calls up the image of him sitting still like a porcelain doll. So even if he does his utmost to please you, he will most likely succeed for no more than a few minutes before losing concentration and giving in to his natural urge to  be actively doing something else!

Can you suggest that he goes outside to play in the garden? Can he possibly help you with what you’re doing? What about drawing a picture or dancing to the beat of whatever is playing on the radio? By offering an attractive alternative to your child’s current undesirable behaviour, it's three times more likely that he will do as you say.   

Practically Speaking: Concentrate on starting your sentences with “please” whilst staying clear of using the word “don’t”. Try saying, “Please use your walking feet and help me pack the groceries into the trolley” instead of, “Don’t run around in the shop!” Similarly, when your child is misbehaving in a restaurant, open a notebook on the table and hand him a pen whilst saying, “Please help me to draw a picture of the salad that we've ordered” instead of saying, "Don’t stand on the chair”.

Note: Naturally there will be situations when you will need to say "Stop!" or "Don't stick your finger in the plug!", but your child will react quicker to these important instructions if you don't bombard him with "don't-messages" all day long.

When we know better... we do better
Written by Lizette van Huyssteen