"Wherever you are, be all there." ~Jim Elliot.

It seems as if little children were deliberately put together in such a way that everything about them slows adults down. Why is that?

Well, the obvious reason is that they develop better when the important adults in their lives are not only in the room, but also in the moment. The more we talk with them and help to interpret their experiences for them, the more they learn.

Adults also benefit. Slowing down may not seem like a blessing at first, but children make adults spend time on many things that would otherwise mostly go by unnoticed. Then, years later, many older people look back and realize that those little things were really the big things.

As Angela Schwindt once said, "While we are teaching our children all about life, they are teaching us what life is all about."

Best wishes for the holiday season!

Why did I DO that?

"Why did you grab that toy? Why did you hit your sister? Why is there spaghetti in your hair?"

We ask toddlers these questions and they never come up with an answer. Why? Because they live in the moment. Their brains aren't wired to the point where they can think about their own thinking.

This ability develops over time. By the time he's about 4-5 years old, your child will be able to think and talk about his thoughts and explain why he did something. He'll even be able to imagine what other people are thinking and put himself in their shoes.

That's when parents and children can (and should) have a lot of fun talking about why a child likes this or that and why he chooses one thing and not the other. You can even ask your 4 year old's opinion about house rules!

Toddlers, on the other hand, simply experiment with all kinds of behaviours. As they do things over and over again, and important adults in their lives consistently respond either positively or negatively, they learn about certain behaviours being either acceptable or unacceptable.

So, for now, asking your toddler to explain himself only serves to overwhelm him. And, depending on your tone of voice, the message that you're sending may very well be: "You clearly weren't THINKING when you did that! I cannot believe how STUPID you are!"

"When we know better... we do better."

Everyday may not be a good day, but ...

Today, only hours after the passing of Mr. Nelson Mandela, we can look back on what he stood for and learn so much. If we learn nothing else, let's take from his example that forgiveness is a gift that we give not only to ourselves, but also to our children.

We live in a broken world. The choices we make about whether or not to forgive people who wronged us in the past can either marinate our children in bitterness as they spend their childhood in our homes, or give them light and hope and a future. Let's, like the father of our Rainbow Nation, choose freedom. 

"When we know better... we do better"

Why you should not tell your toddler to "Stop crying!"

Psychologist Debbie Glasser advises parents not to say “Stop crying” or “Don’t be scared” when dealing with their toddlers. She says, “It's natural to want to protect a child from these feelings, but saying 'Don't be' doesn't make a child feel better, and it also can send the message that his emotions aren't valid - that it's not okay to be sad or scared."

We at Practica would like to add to this: when you give an instruction to your child that involves his body, such as: “Don’t touch the hot stove”, your toddler has a choice between two actions. He can either touch the stove, or not. Both these options are within his control.

On the other hand, when it comes to feelings, a toddler really doesn’t have a choice other than to give in to the emotion.

Your toddler is still in the process of learning other ways of dealing with intense feelings.

Interestingly, the way your toddler will learn how to soothe himself and deal with his own emotions in a more mature way is being shaped by the way that YOU deal with his big feelings now! When you soothe him, he learns to self-soothe and your compassion teaches him self-compassion.

In other words, when you say “Stop crying!” you are asking your child to do something that is developmentally still beyond his ability. When you treat his feelings as natural, soothe and hold him, and validate his feelings, you are modelling to him how to do these things for himself one day.

Before you know it your child won’t be a toddler any longer and he will be able to deal with big feelings in more mature ways.

NOTE: We are not saying that all crying is equal! This only applies to situations where a toddler has a valid reason for crying, e.g. when he is scared, frustrated, over-tired or angry to the point where he is overwhelmed by his emotions. It doesn’t apply to situations where your child is using crying to manipulate you and get his way. Read about the two kinds of tantrums here

Words: Lizette van Huyssteen

When we know better... we do better

A few tips from Lizette - 5 Things I have learnt over the years about disciplining children

“A true hero is not someone who thinks about doing what is right, but one that simply does what is right without thinking!” -Kevin Heath 

With this in mind, I thought I’d share five things that I have learnt over the years about disciplining children:

1. Be the kind of person that you want your child to become. Your child learns far more from your example (what you do) than from your convictions(how you tell them to behave and what you say you believe).

2. Ask advice. You may think you know how to raise your child because you were a child once. You don’t. You and your child most likely share a different combination of temperaments compared to what you've shared with your own parents. More importantly, you are raising a child in a totally different time. Your child is exposed to so much more than you were when you were his age. If you think it was difficult finding ‘True North’ when you were a child and a teenager, imagine how difficult it’s going to be for your child to find it living in a time where there are hundreds of different maps. Parenting isn't as simple as it used to be. Get help.

3. Invest time in training. Never tire of setting up situations where you can use positive and negative consequences to help shape your child’s thoughts, habits and character. Make the most of every opportunity. There’s no other way. No short cut. Just do it.

4. Laugh a lot. Don’t laugh when your child does something that is unacceptable – it confuses them. Don’t make jokes at their expense and never laugh at your child when he is embarrassed. At any other time, make jokes – even when you don’t really feel like it. Keep things light. If needed, Google “jokes for children”, jot a few lines down on paper and keep the notes in your handbag. See laughter as sunlight and discipline as water. Together they make things grow. It’s amazing how much easier it is for a child to be corrected by a parent that he even more often shares a laugh with.

5. Recognize that you are shaping both a heart and a relationship. In the end you will be able to count yourself successful if you end up with two things: (1) an adult child who knows his way when he gets to a fork in the road, and mostly simply does what is right without thinking and (2) an adult child who wants to spend time with you because he respects you and values your opinion. Don’t be weak. Don’t be lazy. You are in a race against time. Your child doesn't need another friend. He needs a parent.

With love,
Lizette van Huyssteen
Founder of the Practica Program

When we know better... we do better

3 Reasons Why We Should DISCOURAGE Perfectionism

It is very easy to believe that being a perfectionist is a favourable quality. But is it really? Here are three reasons why we should DISCOURAGE perfectionism in children:

1. Perfectionists are less likely to take risks and try their hand at new things. They often become fearful of failure and if they cannot be the best, they would rather not try at all.
2. They spend more time completing tasks.  Being the only one in class that hasn’t finished yet, can make a child feel inferior.
3. Friends or peers may start to feel judged and avoid your child when they don’t live up to his standards.

What to do about it?

-       Distinguish between healthy and unhealthy praise.  (Go here if you missed that post.)

When your child is doing a task, talk about the PROCESS, the CHOICES that he makes and ways in which he can CHALLENGE himself, instead of focusing only on the product and then making general statements that label your child, such as “You are so smart” or “You are a champion artist”. These labels put pressure on children, making them fearful of making mistakes and then losing admiration and respect. Rather, when your child draws a picture, ask questions about the colours he is using and what he plans to do next. When playing ball games, give him the choice of which ball to play with and encourage him to challenge himself: “Why not try kicking the tennis ball and see if you can get as good at it as when you kicked the soccer ball.”

-       Help your child to distinguish between people-orientated and task-orientated situations.

Some people are naturally task-orientated and others are people- orientated. Regardless of your child’s natural preference, it will serve him well to be able to differentiate between these two kinds of situations. This insight will help your child to manage his actions and his emotions better. After all, losing a game of Monopoly should not be viewed in the same light as flunking a test!

Use words to describe the different situations. When people-orientated, say something like:  “Remember that this is about spending time together, having fun and making memories.” And when a situation is task orientated: “We’re not kidding around now; this is a get-down-to-it-and-get-it- done activity”.

In the words of Peggy O’Mara, “The way that you talk to your child, becomes his inner voice.”  When parents mostly talk about the end result, their child’s focus is obviously also directed towards the end result. On the contrary, when you as the parent shift your attention away from the end result towards the process and the choices that can be made, your child’s thoughts will follow suit.

Just to hammer the nail a bit deeper into the coffin of perfectionism, we end with a spirited quote by Anne Lamott:

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a sh*#! first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.”

― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

 When we know better... we do better

Bullying...what's your role?

Bullying damages the physical, social, and emotional well-being of its victims. It also hurts the children who bully, as well as those who watch it happen.

In fact, bullying creates a climate of fear, callousness, and disrespect for everyone involved. Bullying begins in the preschool years, peaks in early adolescence, and continues, but with less frequency, into the high school years. But bullying does NOT have to be a part of growing up.

Over the past two decades, what we know about bullying—who is involved, where, when, and why it occurs, and the situations that allow it to spread—has increased tremendously. This knowledge has helped researchers develop new and useful strategies that both children and adults can use to intervene effectively and, better yet, prevent bullying before it ever occurs.

Our blog now includes a new section called “Free Printables”. From here parents can download free printable activities and information straight to their computer/devices.  Today’s post includes a free printable toolkit!  The Eyes on Bullying Toolkit was developed and written by Kim Storey, Ron Slaby, Melanie Adler, Jennifer Minotti, and Rachel Katz, at Education Development Center, Inc.  The toolkit will help you:

1. Understand the extent, seriousness, and dynamics of bullying.
2. Recognize and respond early and effectively to behaviours that can lead to bullying
3. Learn about new, effective strategies for controlling bullying.
4. Prepare children to recognize and respond effectively to early bullying behaviour
5. Teach children how everyone—bullies, victims, bystanders, and supportive adults—can help control bullying.
6. Create an environment where everyone understands that bullying behaviours are unacceptable, harmful, and preventable.
7. Empower yourself and children to actively intervene to prevent and stop bullying.

Words by eyesonbullying.org

When we know better... we do better