Teaching your child to follow directions

We all know what it's like to ask our little one to do something, and they carry on as if they've never heard us or can't understand what we're saying. However, it's important for children to be able to follow instructions - whether its a request or a warning for their safety - by the time they enter school.

As with everything else in your child's life, following instructions is learned through repeated practice. It will not happen overnight and will take some effort from your part. So the idea is to start with the easiest instructions and gradually progress from there. Here are some great everyday tips:

Give your child a sense of competence - praise more and correct less. With following instructions, and in general, a child who feels competent - who believes that he can understand, remember and act accordingly - will be more likely to follow instructions.


Make the most of every opportunity - children learn better when the directions that you give makes sense in the context of what is happening. For example, helping to set the table at mealtime, or putting things away after bath time. The more often you do things together, the more teaching opportunities you will have.

Ensure your child listens and understands when you give directions - avoid failure by making sure that you have your child’s full attention when you give directions. Get down to his eye level so that he can see your facial expression. Squat if you have to. Make eye contact; speak clearly and slowly (where appropriate) using simple words and short, simple sentences.

Use gestures to demonstrate the meaning of your words - when dealing with a baby or toddler, add a natural gesture to help your child understand your message. For example, "come here" paired with a hand gesture; “Give it to me” paired with your hand reaching for the item; or “Go to your room and get your coat” paired with pointing to your toddler’s room. 

*Note: As children near the age of 24 months they typically rely less and less on gestures to understand the meaning of language. It’s a good idea to use gestures when you teach new concepts to a child of any age, but if your 2½ year old is unable to follow a wide variety of everyday two-step instructions without gestures, it would be wise to have the child’s hearing tested and consult a speech-and-language therapist. An example of a two-step instruction would be, “Take off your shoes and put it in the bag.”

Use repetition - to follow your directions, your child has to do some mental work. The first step is to understand the meaning of what you are saying and the second step is to remember the directions while acting. After giving the instruction, give him some time to process the information. Then repeat the instruction slowly. This demonstrates to him that repeating an instruction in his head after he has heard it is a good way of remembering it.

    With older children, ask your child to repeat your directions after you. This activates his memory. It also tells you if he actually understood your directions.

    If needed, take him to a quiet room in the house before giving directions. This eliminates distractions and demonstrates that you have something important to say. The sounds of a radio, television, or others talking, make it more difficult for your child to listen to your directions.

Give your child clear feedback - when your child completes your directions, let him know exactly what was done correctly. This reinforces the learning that has taken place, and builds his confidence. If he didn’t complete your directions at all, show him or tell him exactly what needed to be done. If an attempt is partially successful, praise whatever he did correctly.

Adapt to your child’s level of development - he will be able to understand and follow more difficult directions as his language and memory skills develop. Use the following guidelines to help him progress:

1. At first, use gestures to demonstrate the meaning of simple directions: “Give it to me” while extending your hand.

2. Then teach your child to follow simple directions without gestures: “Stand up.” “Get the ball.” “Sit down.”

3. Following that, he will learn to do one thing with two objects: “Give me the bowl and the spoon.”

4. The next step is where you ask him to do two things with one object: “Get your shoes and put it in the cupboard.”

5. He will then learn to understand a combination of where to go and what to do there: “Go to your room and get your shoes.”

6. Then develop his memory even further by linking two totally separate directions together: “Put your glass on the table and get your teddy from the toybox.”

7. Finally, he should understand and follow a series of three unrelated directions involving three actions: “Put your toys away, go wash your hands and meet me in the kitchen.”

Once you are able to 'place' your child based on the above sequence of their ability to follow instructions, you know where to progress to next.

Most small children want to help out and feel independent and teaching them how to follow instructions is a great way to do this while growing their confidence in their abilities!

Words: Loren Stow
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How to demonstrate our love for our children

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Today we introduce our very first guest post - we will be inviting many people who work within the child development field to give us their take on what's important to know when it comes to your little one!

This guest post is written by Carol Bailie, a Child Educator and Parenting Workshop Facilitator. To learn more about Carol, visit http://www.daretolove.co.za/.


The Five Love Languages (Gary Chapman and D Ross Campbell’s book) is a wonderful general parenting book that gives such helpful insights into how to help our children feel loved and cherished, and is certainly worth the read. One of the Five Love Languages is “ACTS OF SERVICE”. It is an interesting love language because of the huge spin-off it has for general, as well as academic development. Looking closer at this love language is a fascinating topic.

“Acts of Service Love” occurs when a parent demonstrates their love for their child through doing things for them that they can’t do for themselves. Examples would include cooking supper, changing clothes, bathing, carrying, feeding and helping with tasks they can’t quite manage.

However, acts of service love has to evolve as the child gets older – they have to learn the art of serving themselves and serving the family, and not having everything done for them all the time. This is where it gets interesting – how do you cultivate independence by teaching your child “Acts of Service Love”, and what is age-appropriate?

Gary Chapman says in his Love Languages book that “we do our children a disservice if we do not teach them to do laundry.” The principle is simply this – children of all ages need to be actively involved in all chores around the home regardless of how imperfectly they contribute.

So let’s have a look at some age-appropriate chores for little children:

• From the moment a child can walk (technically then a toddler), they can be involved in many acts of service. They can lay the table (one fork or knife at a time, and probably not in the right place) and they can take their own plate to the kitchen after every meal.

• From the moment a child can sit upright, they can and should be involved in helping to pack their own toys away. A good way to do this is to sit on the floor and help them, but you only do one handful or one toy when they do one handful or toy. So you take turns. While packing away you sing a little pack-away song (make something up if you like) to signal that this is the time to tidy up.

• Small children of 2 or 3 years enjoy cleaning activities, especially if they think they are helping mom or dad. They gain a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. You can try giving a small spray bottle with clean water and a cloth and ask them to “wash” the windows – granted it will only be the bottom bit, and it may not be sparkly clean, but it will keep them occupied for some time if you work close by doing something else. They can wipe the windowsill, dust with a brightly coloured yellow duster, and wipe out toy drawers or containers when you sort toys.

• My children always loved washing activities – I give them play kitchen plates and cups in a basin of soapy water with a drying rack and dishcloth. Washing plastic items in a basin is great fun, as is cleaning plastic toys or washing dolls.

• Gardening is always brilliant – small rakes for raking leaves may take forever, but working alongside you with your big rake they will have a huge amount of fun. Putting the leaves in a wheelbarrow and then climbing on for the ride is even better!

• I started a very small vegetable garden when my son was about 2 or 3 years, as I found it to be a fun and constructive activity to involve them in putting compost in the bed, digging it over, making little spaces for seeds, planting out seedlings and best of all, picking vegetables for our table. Our gems have been far and away the most fun!

• From about 3 years, a child should start to help with the making of their bed.

• All children from two onwards should carry their own bags to school and back again!

• Children who can walk can help to put their pyjamas under the pillow and dirty clothes in the laundry basket and towels in the bathroom. At this age they will have to be reminded and accompanied, but from about 3 – 4 years they should be able to do it as a matter of course.

• Washing is indeed full of opportunities – putting the clothes in the machine, pouring in the soap, handing mom the pegs, sorting the colours of the dirty clothes. From about 4 years they should be able to take their own clean clothes to their drawers and put them away.

Acts of service involves a number of very important skills which all children need when they go into a playgroup or preschool setting:

1. Hard work
2. Work ethic (i.e. we value hard work)
3. Team work
4. Appreciating the work of others
5. Responsibility (care for toys, the house)
6. Perseverance
7. Doing things you don’t like
8. Eye hand co-ordination
9. Crossing the mid-line
10. Visual perceptual skills
11. Satisfaction
12. Patience
13. Following instructions
14. Autonomy and independence
15. Task specific skills

Involving small children in manageable acts of service each day not only helps them to learn the art of loving others through serving, but it serves the purpose of preparing them for many educational and life activities. Have fun!



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How to discipline your child - part 6

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Understanding how to follow a calm, collected and effective discipline routine is one (very important) thing, but actually deciding which behaviours are deemed unacceptable is another. This leaves some parents with a lax approach, allowing their children to explore (and conquer) at will. While other parents swing to the opposite end of the pendulum, and discipline their children for every conceivable ‘offence’, leaving their home feeling like Bosnia in the 1980’s.

It is obvious that both approaches are extreme, and ‘somewhere in the middle’ is a whole lot easier, for both parents and their young children. One of the most important factors to consider when deciding which behaviours will require discipline, is the need for consistency. The more rules you have, the bigger the challenge to remain consistent. So, it is sometimes more effective to have a handful of ‘true north principles’ rather than countless codes of conduct.

HOW TO DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILD

Pearl of Wisdom #6

Pick your battles – less is more

When it comes to parenting, and life in general, it is always easier to keep things simple and straightforward. Having a million things to remember is difficult enough - especially when it comes to discipline. We suggest the following list of discipline-worthy behaviours:

1.       When your child is disobedient and defiantly ignores you when you give him a direct instruction.

2.       When your child behaves arrogantly, for example slamming doors, spitting or hitting at you when he is angry, screaming at people and being generally disrespectful towards other people.

3.       When your child breaks well-known obvious and well-known rules such as climbing on the table in a restaurant, throwing stones at a window, hanging out the window of a moving vehicle, and the like.

Obviously, every parent and every child is different, and so each discipline routine will be unique. However, it is sometimes best to not sweat the small stuff and rather focus on the important principles with the conviction and consistency that is required to make a real change in behavior.

Present a united front to your child:

As children develop morally, they go through various stages during which they learn to think differently about right and wrong. (Academically inclined parents can have a look at Kohlberg’s Six Stages of Moral Development on http://faculty.plts.edu/gpence/html/kohlberg.htm)

Morally, all children start off at a place where they assume that rules are fixed and handed down by powerful authorities. A child who functions on this level believes that rules should be obeyed unquestioningly. Their reason for obeying is “because it’s WRONG to break the rules” and “because you’ll get PUNISHED if you do that!”. They still have to learn that an action may be “right” in one situation and “wrong” in another, that different people may have different perspectives about right and wrong and that one may decide to stick to the rules to uphold social order and not necessarily to avoid punishment. And children who function on the first level of moral development are most definitely not yet thinking about whether or not their actions align with their inner rudder or conscience.

Naturally, some people make it all the way to level six with regards to moral development, while others don’t. That’s a topic for another article. The point that we’re trying to make here is that every child starts at the same place. In other words, the very foundation of moral development is where a child views rules as “unquestionable”, “the same for everyone” and “applicable in all circumstances”.

With this in mind, one can imagine how disturbing and confusing it is to a young child when he is often confronted with two parents who openly disagree about what the rules should be, whether or not the child should be punished, and exactly what the punishment should involve.  Disunity amongst parents clearly has the potential to rock the very foundation of a child’s moral development!

 Why do parents typically disagree about discipline?

The most common conflict occurs between parenting couples who have opposing parenting styles. By the time we’re old enough to have children all of us have developed an individual belief system and an ingrained idea of what it means to be an effective parent. The greatest polarization and conflict typically arises when one parent is very authoritarian, while the other is very indulgent.

An authoritarian parent is more parent-centered and more committed to control and direct a child’s behaviour. An indulgent parent, on the other hand, is more child-centered. They are nontraditional and lenient; they do not require mature behavior and they generally avoid confrontation.

Practical advice:

As an Authoritarian Parent you can:

1)      Make an effort to be clear about rules and guidelines so that your child can have the security of knowing that he can predict how you’re going to react in different situations. Explain the reasoning behind the rules that you lay down. “Because I said so” doesn’t build bridges between you and your child.

2)      Deliberately make an effort to become more child-centered by taking time out to listen to your child and answer his or her questions. Older children can also be invited to give input into family activities and decision making.

3)      Use your knowledge of normal child development as a framework to better understand your child’s perspective in a given situation. If needed, deliberately learn more.

4)      Spend more time with your child in mutually pleasurable pastimes. Making memories and simply having fun together will help to strengthen your bond.

As an Indulgent Parent you can:

 

1)      Learn to see discipline as ‘training’ and an opportunity to shape a child’s character and develop self-control. Consider what the outcome will be for your children if you don’t help them to mature and develop the social skills they need to be respected and succeed in life.

2)      Practise saying ‘no’ to your child without trying to avoid confrontation and protecting him or her from frustration. Some of the most valuable lessons are learnt at the feet of pain and discomfort.

3)      Model by what you say and what you do that you expect of your child to respect the authority of adults and authority figures in his world.

4)      Be a parent to your child. He will have many friends in his life. He needs you to fulfill your special role as his parent and ‘trainer’. Remind yourself constantly that ‘parent’ is a verb.

The only way to resolve conflict between authoritarian and indulgent parents will be for both adults to make the effort to learn from each other. It’s not so much about compromise as it is about learning new skills.

Parenthood is clearly a journey that has the potential to shape us in profound ways when we let it. We have to agree with Queen Rania of Jordan when she said:

Children keep us in check. Their laughter prevents our hearts from hardening. Their dreams ensure we never lose our drive to make ours a better world. They are the greatest disciplinarians known to mankind.

when we know better... we do better

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How to discipline your child - part 5

Let’s set a scene that I am sure many parents have experienced before… It’s Monday evening, and after a long and stressful day you’re trying to prepare dinner or are tidying the house before bedtime. Your toddler is nagging behind you. You do not have the energy for confrontation, so you’re hoping they will forget what they wanted and wander off and occupy themselves for five minutes. The next thing you realize it is five minutes later and their nagging has reached a crescendo that you just cannot handle.

    Kaboom!

    You explode in an emotionally-charged outburst that you can barely contain, leaving your toddler shocked, and you feeling completely guilt-ridden.

    It happens... more often than you think and to more parents than would like to admit it. And that is why we have written this very important installment in our ‘discipline workshop’. The most influential person in the discipline-equation, the only one who is able to make it or break it, is you – the parent.

    That is why it is important to protect yourself emotionally; so that you can have a better shot at remaining calm and collected when it comes to your boundary-pushing toddler.

HOW TO DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILD

Pearl of Wisdom #5

Act from conviction and not from emotion – to keep your emotions from boiling over

When you realize that discipline is just like brushing your teeth or taking out the garbage – something you don’t particularly love to do, but something that is necessary to a balanced life – then it becomes simply another tool in your life. Before you know it you will be able to act out the conviction that training your child is an important and necessary duty, and you will no longer find yourself in situations where you have been ‘pushed to the brink’.

Boundaries are vital

The first step is to keep your boundaries and rules clear and ‘close’. By that we mean that it will help a great deal to take the time beforehand to decide what your boundaries are, and consider whether they protect you emotionally, as they should. The idea is to act before you get angry – when your child oversteps the line the first time. That’s what it means to have ‘close’ boundaries.


Anger is not necessary

The second step is to discover that, contrary to popular belief, a parent doesn’t have to be angry or pretend to be angry to be taken seriously. You don’t have to wait until you’re all worked-up to have the energy and forcefulness you need to get your child to respect you. You don’t need anger. It doesn’t serve you. In fact, you should try your utmost to never be angry when you discipline your child. Effective discipline comes from a place of calm conviction.

    When parents rely on anger to be their ‘partner’ in the act, their child typically puts two and two together and discovers that their parent’s bad moods are often directly related to something that they have done. This leaves them feeling as if they are responsible for their parent’s happiness. This is simply not true, and not something that a child can carry on their shoulders – it is an unfair burden.


Break the anger-discipline-guilt cycle

If you are in a cycle of anger-discipline-guilt, and cannot seem to escape it, it is sometimes effective to behave as you would like to, even if you are not feeling it at that moment. Start by setting up clear boundaries that are ‘close’ enough. Then uphold your boundaries gracefully by acting immediately and calmly when your child oversteps them – even when you’re not feeling as if the time is yet right to act. Ask yourself, “When would be a good time to take action – when I have been pushed too far?”

    There is a well-known notion that if you smile when you’re down, the smile itself will lift your spirits. Similarly, practice this ‘character script’ for a few days, as it’s the most ideal way to change the way you feel and think about discipline:

    Imagine your child being very cooperative, and then overstepping a boundary. Visualize how you say to him (or feel in your heart): “I know you’re frustrated, or upset. I know that you will make mistakes and test boundaries. It’s part of my job as your parent to guide and protect you, so that you can learn and we can grow through this together. I want you to know that I don’t see your childlike behaviors as a crisis or a problem. Look at me, I’m fine and happy, I’m still having a great day. It’s OK that you’re a child. And I am OK. Don’t worry about me.”

    Truly one of the greatest gifts that we as parents can give our children is to take back the burden of guilt that we have unintentionally placed on their shoulders through waiting to act until we are at breaking point.

Words: Loren Stowwhen we know better... we do better


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How to discipline your child - part 4

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In our last post, we discussed how words alone are simply not an effective means of discipline. This is because a small child’s world is based on their immediate and physical experience. Words alone own will not change a young child’s behaviour.

    However, words are very important when it comes to explaining just why the cookie is crumbling in the way that it is, so to speak…. With this in mind, the question that many parents have is, “What should I say while I discipline my child – and what not?”

HOW TO DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILD

Pearl of Wisdom #4

Words must be used wisely – they make a huge difference

DON’T habitually say ‘no’ or ‘stop that’ without any explanation:

When your default-response-setting is on ‘no’ or ‘stop that’, your child is robbed of a valuable learning experience in the discipline process. In addition, any sane person (children included) will eventually just ‘switch off’ to those repetitive words, rendering them completely meaningless and ineffective.


DON’T say something that ‘labels’ or ‘belittles’ your child:

Words are powerful tools for building up or breaking down a child’s spirit, and the way in which you describe your child forms his self-image, which is still tenderly developing. What you say about your child will become who and what they believe they are – and we all know that kicking the dog does not mean that your child is a terrible person, just someone who is need of parental guidance.

    So always talk with, and about, your child as if he is able to choose how he wants to act. Being disobedient or stepping out of line is something that he has chosen to DO, it’s not something that he has BECOME. In other words, rather say, “I don’t like the way you are acting right now” or “I don’t like the way I feel when you talk to me like that”, instead of, “You’re naughty” or “You’re rude”.


DO say what you don’t want, and then add what you do want:

When your child does something that you don’t want him to do, follow this recipe:

FIRST state what you don’t want them to do and why

SECOND state (and demonstrate if you can) what you do want them to do and why

For example, when my son hits his little brother I will say, “Don’t hit your brother. It hurts him and he doesn’t like that! I want you to touch him gently. Like this. See, he likes it when you touch him that way.”


DO let you child know that you understand that he is upset:

When your child is upset because he isn’t getting something he desperately wants, follow this recipe from Ann Richardson’s book Toddler Sense (Metz Press, 2010):

Acknowledge and name the feeling

Mirror the feeling

Explain why

For example, if your child wants to watch TV after bedtime, you could say “I know you are feeling angry because you can’t watch TV, I would feel angry if I were you too, but it is time for bed and TV time is over.”

    To summarise, words alone do not make an effective discipline routine. However they are important tools with which to decode your child’s behavioural experiences in a simple, effective and respectful way. And that’s enough words from us for now!

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

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How to discipline your child - part 3

We often hear how children are referred to as ‘little adults’. However, while our children deserve the same respect and love that any adult does, they are not adults… by a long shot.

    Young children live in a world that is very different from ours. While we live in our heads, in the past, in the future, making plans and negotiating our way through the social networks that we create, young children live completely in the present moment, guided primarily by their senses.

    They are engrossed with what is right in front of them, and they respond to their environment from moment to moment, as they take in the world through their bodies.


HOW TO DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILD

 

Pearl of Wisdom #3:

Understand your child’s world – make a real difference

Because children understand and react to the world in a way that is different to adults, it would only make sense that we meet them where they are. Otherwise, our attempts to discipline them could backfire in many ways.

Physically get your child’s attention

When disciplining and communicating with your young child, it is most effective to enter their world in a very physical way. By this we mean that you need to help focus your child’s attention, so it makes sense to literally move into their personal space. Use your body to come down to their level so that you can look them in the eye as you speak. This helps them to focus on what you want to explain to them about their behaviour. You can even hold their hands or gently direct their face to look at you to emphasize your presence and the significance of the moment.

    Talking to them from across the room will most likely not even register on their radar, as their world is made of primarily of what immediately surrounds them. See this first step as a moment of closeness and of sharing knowledge with them. The goal is not to intimidate – you are simply entering their space in order to get their full attention.

Act immediately to help them to form associations

Discipline is first and foremost a way of training. It’s about forming associations – positive behaviour with positive responses and negative behaviour with negative consequences. The best way in which to assist your child to form these helpful associations is by acting immediately.

    Young children live in the present moment, not in five minutes time and definitely not ‘later when dad gets home’. In fact, if you want to teach your child not to climb onto the table, it is best to discipline your child when they are actually in the act or on the table. Or if you want to teach your child not to hit the dog, it is best to teach them when their hand is actually still on the dog! This helps them to form the association between their actual behaviour and negative consequence.

    Similarly, when your child is doing something positive like sharing toys or food with you or somebody else, reward him immediately by whispering “way to share” in his ear or even just bestowing an approving nod and a smile on him.

React in a physical way

The result of living in the present moment, with mostly their immediate surroundings as their ‘only world’ for that time, is that it is only natural that young children learn through their bodies – steered by how things smell, look, feel, taste, sound and move.

    They are still learning to understand the abstract social and moral concepts that adults adhere to. This is why discipline needs to be a physical experience for them.

    Negative consequences have to be real: removing them from the table that they’re climbing, putting them in time out, or calmly but firmly removing a toy or a plate of food when a child is being destructive with it. Threats, arguments and accusations are not “real” to young children – from their point of reference all that talking is just scary noise.

Teach in a physical way

Parenting is always easier when one focuses more on being more pro-active (thinking ahead) as opposed to being reactive. So, instead of waiting for your child to misbehave before jumping into action, show them ahead of time how you would like them to act and behave, by physically demonstrating what acceptable behaviour looks like.

    Spend lots of time playing and doing everyday things with them: show them how to stroke the cat softly, or how to push their toy cars and make a ‘brrrr’ noise instead of throwing it out the front door (all the while using words to describe the experience).

    Children are first-rate imitators and they truly flourish when they have something concrete to imitate. (One of the great things about having a Practica Program in the house is that it makes it so much easier to pick age-appropriate games and create positive teaching opportunities at every age from birth to seven years of age.)

To summarize, when it comes to discipline for a young child under five, actions really do speak louder than words. Words alone will never effectively change their behavior. Words are very important to decode your child’s experiences and help them to understand the detail of what is happening, but they are simply not effective without you physically getting your child’s full attention. This requires acting immediately, creating some kind of physical consequence that your child can associate with negative behavior, and teaching and demonstrating appropriate behavior in a real and physical way.

Words: Loren Stow
when we know better... we do better

Comments? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

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How to discipline your child - part 2



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 You’ve heard it before – every single piece of literature on discipline contains the word ‘consistency’. Yet it is something that is surprisingly difficult to achieve ... and many people wonder how important it is anyway?

The answer is that consistency is more important than most parents realize. In fact, if you cannot provide it in your discipline routine, research suggests you should rather discard discipline altogether. Why? Because a lack of consistency doesn't only confuse your child - it actually reinforces bad behaviour!

Imagine for a moment your favourite pastime – it could be playing Bingo, golf, fishing, gambling, scrap booking, video games or checking your Facebook page. Research suggests that these popular pastimes can turn into 'addictions' due to what is called the 'partial reinforcement effect'. In laymen’s terms, it refers to the fact that these activities reward those who engage in them in random, unpredictable ways, and so they become very addictive. You keep going back for more because you are never guaranteed the same outcome. It's exciting in a frustrating way, and these experiences actually condition you to want more and more.

Now, apply the same principles to your child. When you react in random, unpredictable ways when your child does things that are unacceptable, it's only natural that he or she is will also over time become ‘addicted’ to the game of ‘what will mommy or daddy do this time?’.

To top it all off, children have such a profound need for consistency in their lives that they, without fail, respond to unpredictable parenting by becoming deeply insecure and fearful. They are then driven to act like little tyrants as they almost feverishly repeat the same behaviour in an untiring effort to 'crack the hidden code' of the household they live in. Their innate sense of surival compels them to experiment over and over again as they try to find some kind of pattern or sense of predictability in their parents' reactions.

This potent mix of survival instinct, fear and excitement is what makes people addicted to extreme sports like sky-diving, base-jumping, swimming with sharks etc. If this mix creates a drive in people that is so strong that it motivates adults to risk their very lives - imagine how easily a child is swept away by it.  

HOW TO DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILD

Pearl of Wisdom #2:

Discipline is about consistency – the key to forming associations

When parents consistently reinforce good behaviour with positive responses and link negative behaviour with negative outcomes, their children eventually learn to associate various ways of acting with 'good' or 'bad' consequences. As a result, they really DO crack the 'hidden code' of the household that they live in. Knowing that they can largely predict their parents' reactions in most situations leaves children confident and secure. Consistency leads to associations, which leads to security.

Plain. And. Simple.

What does this mean practically?

• Consistency requires the same reaction to the same behaviour every single time. In other words – if you’ve decided that hitting requires a warning followed by a time-out and persistent nagging requires that play time comes to an end, don't switch that up the next day.

 • Consistency requires that you choose ways of disciplining your child that you can apply once or one-hundred times a day without getting so tired and emotionally drained that you end up losing self-control or throwing in the towel. In fact, repetition is the cornerstone of training - so we can just as well make peace with it.

 • Consistency means that you start off the way you’d like to continue. In other words – don't let your children get away with certain behaviours when they’re younger, and then expect them to understand why they can’t do it later on.

• Consistency is a team-effort. Ideally, all the key persons in your child's life should be pretty much on the same page regarding which discipline-action is taken when specific boundaries are overstepped, as well as which positive behaviours should be rewarded and how. 
 

The important thing to remember when it comes to consistency is that without it, your discipline routine simply will not work as expected. In fact, it will most likely do more harm than good. Because of this, it is better to have a few rules, that you are capable of consistently following-through on, rather than many rules that you cannot be consistent about.

We cannot have a post about consistency without also reminding you about the power of consistently rewarding positive behaviour – a pat on the back, an approving look and a bit of real and honest validation from you are the most powerful incentives for your child to repeat desirable actions.

So, it is best to count the cost with regards to your discipline routine with your child. The importance of being able to offer consistency will mean that at least in the beginning, until your child starts to form negative or positive associations with their actions, a massive amount of energy will be required on your part. Ask yourself… are you up to it? If not, rather prepare yourself sufficiently and then begin, when you have the courage of your convictions behind you.

Words: Loren Stow

when we know better... we do better

Comments? Email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

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