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When writer Loren Stow launched the Practica blog back in 2010, we
decided to call it “Practically Speaking” and to sign off each post with Maya
Angelou’s famous words: “Parents who know better, do better”. I loved the
idea and I still do.
The reason why I’m mentioning this is because I recently stumbled upon
a piece of writing posted by Tess Lyons on her parenting blog in 2006, in which
she shared her thoughts on Maya Angelou’s statement. Tess is the mother of four
children, a single child plus a set of triplets. Judging on the pictures of her
children at that time, all of them were younger than 5 years old when she wrote
the post. Oh, how I empathize with how busy her life must have been at that
stage!
Tess described in her post how unsettled she felt at times when she knew
what to do, but ended up not doing it, simply because she ran out of energy. Here’s
what she said:
I am constantly surprised by the
guesswork involved in parenting. And the responsibility. And how each day I can
get up and say, "I am going to do the best I can do", and console
myself that my best can be better tomorrow. And sometimes it is, and sometimes
it isn't.
Do our kids remember that we
tried hard? Does that count? Do I just remember that my parents tried hard
because I feel that they "succeeded" in being good and loving
parents?
Oprah and Maya Angelou say,
"Parents who know better, do better." Is that true? It is a terribly
empowering rah rah statement, that is catchy and yay, but I don't know if it is
true. Sometimes I am too tired to follow through on my parenting. I hear a
scuffle, and I don't get up and investigate. Sometimes even though I have
uttered, "The next time you (insert sin here), I will (insert punishment here)"
and I don't. I pretend I didn't hear the crime, or see it. I suspect I am not
the only one who does this, but does this put me in the category of person who
doesn't know better? Can't I be a person who as often as she has the energy,
does better? Because that's where I fit.
Although very few of us are as attuned to our own thoughts and
emotions as Tess Lyons seems to be, I believe every person alive feels and
reacts like this from time to time – even in areas of our lives that are not
related to parenting. We learn something new, it raises the bar on our own
expectations and instead of “doing better” we end up “feeling worse”.
We launched the Practica Program in 1993 and since then we have literally
spoken to thousands of parents about how they can benefit from learning more and
equipping themselves with well researched ideas and activities that are aimed at
helping their children to develop to their fullest potential. I have always
wondered why parents react so differently to our message. Tess Lyons’s words shed some light on the
issue.
Without generalizing, I believe some parents are more open to learning
and applying new ideas and techniques because they are less afraid of dealing
with failure. They understand that, when it comes to parenting, making mistakes
and doing exactly the opposite of what you know to be best from time to time as
you proceed from one challenging episode to the next, is simply inevitable. Knowing
better should theoretically help a parent to fair better, but parents are
people first, and people tend to fall back into a “default” state when they’re
under pressure. There’s no sense in beating yourself up about it.
Learning to be the kind of parent that you really want to be
doesn’t happen without a certain level of commitment and effort.
In reality, learning to be a great parent is a lot like learning
to play golf. For those who are interested to learn, making mistakes is part of
the process. When you start off, most of your actions feel unnatural. You have
to consider the way you stand, the position of every finger, the position of
your head, the angle of your back, the tension in your muscles as you lift the
club, and so forth. To put it simply, you have to concentrate really hard and
you have to be patient with yourself as you will undoubtedly make many mistakes.
In fact, just as you get one thing right, something else seems to go wrong. But
the more you practise, the better (and luckier!) you get. Before you know it,
you have internalized the instructions and the advice that your instructor has
given you. Physically speaking, pathways have formed in your brain between the
various regions that work together to enable you to coordinate all your body parts
and hit that ball just right. You have developed “muscle memory”.
The same goes for parenting. The more you practise, the easier it
becomes. And before you know it, reacting in a better way is wired into your
brain. The new, better behaviour pops up without you even thinking about it
anymore. It has become your “default
reaction”. Your courage is paying off.
From time to time, when you’re dog tired or emotionally drained
you may make a bad decision or simply sit the round out. There will always be
better days and not-so-good days. That’s fine. You will have another
opportunity to make the right decision and get back on ‘course’.
Written by Lizette van Huyssteen
Parents who know better, do better …
Parents who know better, do better …